We try to include my Mom in holiday celebrations on my husband’s side.
Christmas Eve we take her with us to his families and then we spend the night at her house, do presents with her alone, and then she comes with us to my MIL’s house to do Christmas morning at MIL’s with BIL/SIL/nieces/nephews.
My husband’s family is doing brunch this year for Mother’s Day and my Mom wants to attend but I told her I’d really like to do separate things. I told her it’s normal to do different events for your parents and your in laws and it’s unusual to combine every holiday with your parents and your in laws.
Also, I didn’t tell her this but, it’s stressful for me to have her there because I am constantly worrying about how my Mom will react to things and what she will say that will be rude or offensive. She’s got a very abrasive personality and sometimes I wonder if she is a narcissist.
For example Christmas morning at my MIL’s and my MIL got a beautiful wind chime, she loves wind chimes. My mom went on a long rant about how she hates wind chimes because they are loud and annoying. It was so awkward and I felt terrible for my MIL because she couldn’t really enjoy it with my mom talking about how much she hates it.
Back to this year Mother’s Day, Mom said she doesn’t want me to do different events on the same day because she doesn’t want me “stressed out running around”. I told her it wasn’t stressful and it’s actually more convenient to do it that way. She was not happy, she wants to be invited to the brunch or she doesn’t want to see me at all that day: she wants to choose a completely different day just for her. I planned to buy flowers and these really cool stacking planters for us and we could make them up together. She said she has all the flowers that she wants this year, she doesn’t want more, which hurt my feelings because I know if she was going to the brunch she’d be happy to plant flowers with me after. Also that’s the gift I picked for her and she basically told me she doesn’t like it/doesn’t want it.
She said it’s Mother’s Day and I should be with my Mother – not my Mother in Law. I tried explaining that during the brunch, yes, that would be the case but then in the afternoon I’d be with my Mother and my husband would be with his Mother in Law, so it’s fair and even because we are each seeing our Mom and our MIL. She said “no”. Just like… no … that’s not how it works. I’m like what?
She says I’m gaslighting her and that she should be included for brunch because she’s my mom and it’s Mother’s Day and she’s all alone. I do feel sad my stepdad passed away and that she lives alone but I feel like it’s unfair for her to constantly use the widow card to try and manipulate (?) me into doing what she wants/inviting her.
I feel confused and sad. It’s normal to want to do separate celebrations sometimes, right? Or AITA?
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We try to include my Mom in holiday celebrations on my husband’s side.
Christmas Eve we take her with us to his families and then we spend the night at her house, do presents with her alone, and then she comes with us to my MIL’s house to do Christmas morning at MIL’s with BIL/SIL/nieces/nephews.
My husband’s family is doing brunch this year for Mother’s Day and my Mom wants to attend but I told her I’d really like to do separate things. I told her it’s normal to do different events for your parents and your in laws and it’s unusual to combine every holiday with your parents and your in laws.
Also, I didn’t tell her this but, it’s stressful for me to have her there because I am constantly worrying about how my Mom will react to things and what she will say that will be rude or offensive. She’s got a very abrasive personality and sometimes I wonder if she is a narcissist.
For example Christmas morning at my MIL’s and my MIL got a beautiful wind chime, she loves wind chimes. My mom went on a long rant about how she hates wind chimes because they are loud and annoying. It was so awkward and I felt terrible for my MIL because she couldn’t really enjoy it with my mom talking about how much she hates it.
Back to this year Mother’s Day, Mom said she doesn’t want me to do different events on the same day because she doesn’t want me “stressed out running around”. I told her it wasn’t stressful and it’s actually more convenient to do it that way. She was not happy, she wants to be invited to the brunch or she doesn’t want to see me at all that day: she wants to choose a completely different day just for her. I planned to buy flowers and these really cool stacking planters for us and we could make them up together. She said she has all the flowers that she wants this year, she doesn’t want more, which hurt my feelings because I know if she was going to the brunch she’d be happy to plant flowers with me after. Also that’s the gift I picked for her and she basically told me she doesn’t like it/doesn’t want it.
She said it’s Mother’s Day and I should be with my Mother – not my Mother in Law. I tried explaining that during the brunch, yes, that would be the case but then in the afternoon I’d be with my Mother and my husband would be with his Mother in Law, so it’s fair and even because we are each seeing our Mom and our MIL. She said “no”. Just like… no … that’s not how it works. I’m like what?
She says I’m gaslighting her and that she should be included for brunch because she’s my mom and it’s Mother’s Day and she’s all alone. I do feel sad my stepdad passed away and that she lives alone but I feel like it’s unfair for her to constantly use the widow card to try and manipulate (?) me into doing what she wants/inviting her.
I feel confused and sad. It’s normal to want to do separate celebrations sometimes, right? Or AITA?
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> AITA for not inviting my mom to my in laws for Mother’s Day brunch because I know it hurts her feelings and she wants to be included?
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. It’s totally normal and honestly pretty common to split time between families on holidays. You’re not excluding her; you’re just trying to manage a day that honors multiple moms without unnecessary stress or drama.
It sounds like your mom is struggling with being alone and may be using guilt to get her way, which isn’t fair to you. Wanting a peaceful, balanced Mother’s Day doesn’t make you a bad daughter. You’re allowed to set boundaries, especially if her behavior tends to make events uncomfortable. You’ve offered a thoughtful plan, and it’s okay if she doesn’t like it but that doesn’t mean you have to change it.
I will assume you are an only child and your mother doesn’t have any other family (siblings, cousins to spend holidays with). That being said, NTA really. I don’t understand why she needs to tag along on Mother’s Day to your in-laws since you’ll spend time with her later on.
I’d say stick to your guns on this holiday at least.
NTA – it’s also YOUR mother’s day (if you have kids)!
Boundaries my dear are important.
Maybe have a chat with MIL about a plan ?
NTA. She’s lucky to be included in any events at all.
Why can’t you spend the whole day with your mother?
Your husband can spend the day with his mother.
NTA. Your mother gets the afternoon with just you and your husband or nothing. Her choice. And if she keeps going on about it tell her it is because you don’t feel comfortable with her abrasive nature.
NTA
Ultimately, you’re all your mom has. You just have to be firm. Here is the plan. I will be here at 2pm and we have a dinner res at 5pm (maybe your husband can join). I hope you open your door.
Sorry you ‘re going through this.
I’m curious what your husband and MIL say about inviting your mom to brunch?
I can’t really tell because your info is a bit confused. From what you posted, it does sound like the majority of your holiday time is spent with your husband’s family, and that if your mom weren’t present at those celebrations, she would just get squeezed in to the small, blank spaces in between. If you spend brunch at your husband’s family on Mother’s Day, then you probably won’t be done until at least 3 pm if not later. When you say you’ll see your mom after brunch, is she going to be twiddling her thumbs all day while waiting to see you for two hours between 4 and 6 pm? Yes, from her point of view, that IS a bit grim.
First of all, you should celebrate and prioritize you and your spouse and your kids. Then extended family. No more Christmas Eve overnights with Mommy. You gave her an invitation, she said no. You don’t have to keep offering alternatives. “OK, well if you don’t want to see me Mother’s Day afternoon, no worries.” Give her a gift card next time you see her. Stop playing her game. Call her bluff.
NTA. You are the one active duty parenting so really you should be the one centered on Mother’s Day. Of course that won’t happen though so what you are proposing is incredibly kind and it leaves space for each of your Mom and MIL. If your mom declines, that’s on her.
She’s unpleasant and shouldn’t be allowed to ruin your MIL’s brunch. There are logical consequences to your Mom’s actions but she’s never had to feel them because you throw yourself (and your MIL) onto the tracks for your mom to run over as she ruins each holiday for another family to which she shouldn’t even be invited but for their manners and grace.
Just stop doing it. Stop. If you choose to let your mom guilt you and ruin days, fine. That’s your choice. But it’s not cool that you are dragging your MIL’s holidays down too because you refuse to assert a reasonable boundary with your mom.
I’ve got these dynamics too. I get it. You are well meaning but you need to realize that your mom shouldn’t be their cross to bear.
NTA.
“Mom, can we take you to dinner on Mother’s Day?”
“No!”
“Okay, we’ll see you for Memorial Day.”
Your mom is rude and disrespectful. She doesn’t deserve an invitation to your MIL’s brunch because she’s proven she can’t behave herself. And while your in-laws might not judge you for your mom’s shitty behavior, it makes you uncomfortable.
“I am not comfortable inviting you to someone else’s event.”
And from now on, don’t tell her what your in-laws are planning.
I was lucky that the large family of my husband would invite my mom to join on holidays. But it they didn’t invite, I didn’t push for it. If the inlaws are hosting a holiday, they get to decide the invite list.
It’s ok if you don’t see her at all. Truly.
NTA. Your Mom is controlling. Yes it is fine to do stuff with both families sometimes. But honestly all the time is kind of weird. And your poor MIL! She is too nice to let your Mom come and make Christmas , not ruined but not as good. Tell Mom it is not negotiable, if she doesn’t want to see you…cool. Both you and MIL need boundaries hon.
NTA. She wants to make sure you aren’t enjoying yourself without her. It’s not about missing out, it’s about you not being allowed to have joy that doesn’t include her. It’s a subtle difference. You recognize that she’s being unreasonable, so stand your ground. Offer what you have to offer (an afternoon visit) and if she declines then the choice not to see each other is hers, not yours. In the long run it would probably be helpful to work this out with a counselor before having your own kids. Nothing shows you how stark the difference is between a selfish parent and a supportive parent more than seeing it from the inside.
NTA – your mother is definitely a narc. Maybe if she wasn’t so insufferable then she’d have friends and family that will spend time with her while she waits for you to be done with your MIL.