I (32F) don’t want to pick up my boyfriend (34M) from the bar. Typically, I would have no problem if this is a pre-discussed thing. However, he told me he would be “grabbing a few beers” with his work friends and “wouldn’t be out late”. I thought maybe he’d come home around 9/10 pm. Midnight, he still isn’t home. I have work in the morning at 9 and am in a person-facing role, so I need to get good sleep. I also have my monthly meeting with the owner of our company tomorrow, which I also don’t want to be tired for. I call him at like 12:45 am and ask where he is. He’s 50 minutes away from home. I ask if he is ok to drive, he says “I hope so”. So, naturally, I am worried. I thought he was at a bar ~ 15 minutes away from the house, so I asked if I should drive up and get him. Then, he told me he was 50 minutes away. AITA for not wanting to pick him up? I wouldn’t get home until well after 3 am.
I know it sounds harsh, but we’ve had prior issues with his drinking in the past. It almost cost us our relationship, due to his drinking. So, frankly, I don’t want to enable or tolerate it. I don’t want him to drive, for his safety and the safety of others. I told him to spend the money and get a hotel. I know I’m not his mother, uber driver, taxi, whatever. But I do love and care about him and his wellbeing. I just don’t think it’s fair for me to be driving for almost an hour there and back when he is a grown ass man and shouldn’t be doing this shit anyway.
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I (32F) don’t want to pick up my boyfriend (34M) from the bar. Typically, I would have no problem if this is a pre-discussed thing. However, he told me he would be “grabbing a few beers” with his work friends and “wouldn’t be out late”. I thought maybe he’d come home around 9/10 pm. Midnight, he still isn’t home. I have work in the morning at 9 and am in a person-facing role, so I need to get good sleep. I also have my monthly meeting with the owner of our company tomorrow, which I also don’t want to be tired for. I call him at like 12:45 am and ask where he is. He’s 50 minutes away from home. I ask if he is ok to drive, he says “I hope so”. So, naturally, I am worried. I thought he was at a bar ~ 15 minutes away from the house, so I asked if I should drive up and get him. Then, he told me he was 50 minutes away. AITA for not wanting to pick him up? I wouldn’t get home until well after 3 am.
I know it sounds harsh, but we’ve had prior issues with his drinking in the past. It almost cost us our relationship, due to his drinking. So, frankly, I don’t want to enable or tolerate it. I don’t want him to drive, for his safety and the safety of others. I told him to spend the money and get a hotel. I know I’m not his mother, uber driver, taxi, whatever. But I do love and care about him and his wellbeing. I just don’t think it’s fair for me to be driving for almost an hour there and back when he is a grown ass man and shouldn’t be doing this shit anyway.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t pick up my drunk boyfriend from the bar, therefore, could be the asshole for that. Because, I would be allowing him to risk his safety and other’s for my convenience.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
He is an adult.
Nta. You say you had issues with his drinking in the past but it seems that the issue is still present.
He chose to go to a bar 50 minutes away. He chose to drink too much. He chose to stay out so late.
Worst of all he chose to try and make it your problem because he is irresponsible and doesn’t care about how this effects you.
Get some sleep, let him get a hotel room or tell him to try to crash at one of his friends places. I hope he doesn’t do something stupid but if he does it’s not your fault.
NTA. He should have planned better.
Absolutely you are NOT the AHole! It would be very inconsiderate of him to expect that from you. And you are right – he is a grown man- doing Lord knows what an hour from you- seems like he may do that all-knowing it was too far for you to get in the way of whatever he was up to. I would be checking his phone and checking his location if possible
NTA, and frankly I would tell him if he gets a DUI I’m not bailing him out either. If you’re really concerned about safety, call the police (anonymous obvs) and report a drunk driver. It sounds harsh, but I’m speaking from your multiverse future.
That’s 2 hours, NTA.
NTA. I am so sorry for what his drinking is doing. Alcoholism is soul-crushing to deal with, and I can understand if it causes you to rethink the relationship. Addiction is a serious waste of a person.
I suggest Ala-non, because they — or even just their point of view — can help you to see where your responsibility for his drinking ends. It’s not on your shoulders. If it was something you could control, he wouldn’t be drinking.
I worry about him drunk driving and hope he gets that hotel room to sleep it off.
The manipulation he’s done on you to get you to the point where you think you are responsible and to blame for not sabotaging your work for his addictions (like you are now responsible for any relapse F that) is wild. He does not love you the way you love him. If you were too “difficult “ he would drop you in a minute.
Hotels exist
NTA. Frankly, if I were you I would have just texted “going to bed” at some point and left it at that.
NTA. I just threw someone out of my house for drinking (also made a post here), but also, 50 minutes away? That’s like vacation planning for me. That’s like a once a year, going to see family trip. And to just expect it on a whim? No thank you. That would be a trip that would require notice and I’d have to plan my whole day around.
Sorry, I’m befuddled here. The drinking alone would piss me off, but expecting an impromptu road trip spur of the moment just for funzies is making me mad for you.
I also want to be clear, I do not care if someone drinks, but I do care when the drinking becomes everyone else’s problem and they keep treating it like it’s a joke.
NTA this could have easily been avoided by him letting you know he was gonna be home later and wouoe just call for an uber
If you think he is still willing to get behind the wheel being impaired, go get him. Say absolutely nothing to him except maybe, let’s get you home safely so we can get to sleep. Suggest sleeping about. And after work tomorrow, sit down with him and discuss it. If you are will to stay with him, put rules in place.
Updateme
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