I (F, 30s) have a 4-year-old daughter. My husband (not her biological dad) and I recently got full custody of her. My ex—her bio dad—used to have her part-time, and when she was with him, I would call her every night to stay connected.
Two weeks ago, my ex told me they couldn’t handle parenting anymore and gave up custody. Since then, my daughter has been settling in well with us. She’s happy, adjusting smoothly, and seems comfortable.
Here’s the issue: In these two weeks, her bio dad has only called her twice. Tonight, she asked to call him. We tried, but he didn’t answer. It broke my heart a little, honestly.
What makes this more complicated is that when we were still together, he used to blame me for our daughter not being close to him. He’d stay home, say he was too depressed to go out, while I’d take her to the park or on little adventures. Then he’d accuse me of “stealing” her affection or making him look bad by comparison.
I’m afraid he’s going to start that narrative again—blame me for her drifting away, even though he’s the one who’s gone silent. At the same time, I don’t want to blow up his phone and create drama or push her into a situation where she gets disappointed over and over.
So… am I the AH for not trying harder to get him to talk to her? Should I be doing more? Or is it okay to let him reach out if/when he’s ready?
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I (F, 30s) have a 4-year-old daughter. My husband (not her biological dad) and I recently got full custody of her. My ex—her bio dad—used to have her part-time, and when she was with him, I would call her every night to stay connected.
Two weeks ago, my ex told me they couldn’t handle parenting anymore and gave up custody. Since then, my daughter has been settling in well with us. She’s happy, adjusting smoothly, and seems comfortable.
Here’s the issue: In these two weeks, her bio dad has only called her twice. Tonight, she asked to call him. We tried, but he didn’t answer. It broke my heart a little, honestly.
What makes this more complicated is that when we were still together, he used to blame me for our daughter not being close to him. He’d stay home, say he was too depressed to go out, while I’d take her to the park or on little adventures. Then he’d accuse me of “stealing” her affection or making him look bad by comparison.
I’m afraid he’s going to start that narrative again—blame me for her drifting away, even though he’s the one who’s gone silent. At the same time, I don’t want to blow up his phone and create drama or push her into a situation where she gets disappointed over and over.
So… am I the AH for not trying harder to get him to talk to her? Should I be doing more? Or is it okay to let him reach out if/when he’s ready?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
>
Not calling him again after he didn’t answer to try and push for him to talk to her
For not calling him every day for her to talk to him I normally wait for him to call
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Her dad is TA here. If he didn’t want to be a parent he should never have had a child.
NTA – but if he gave up custody, that generally means he is out of her life. My dad legally gave up custody when I was a child and he was removed from my birth certificate and everything. He didn’t have to pay child support, we had 0 communication for 15 years until after I turned 18 and went looking for him.
NTA. You are not responsible for his relationship with his child, you never have been. Your only job is to not stand in the way but you definitely don’t have to create the path for him.
Additionally you can’t steal her. He gave her away when he gave up custody.
He doesn’t have custody, this isn’t your issue to solve.
Sadly, NTA. This is a choice the ex made. You can bug and bother him until the moon falls from the sky, if he doesn’t want to do it, he won’t. Assuming he is an adult, he has made his choice. He may regret it later, we dont know, but its his choice for NOW. Dont push the issue and if she asks about him redirect or tell her he’s busy rn. It won’t take too long and she will stop asking. Yes it sucks. Yes its hard, it will continue to be hard, but sadly, this is his choice and the more you push it, the more he won’t want it.
NTA. You can’t be responsible for your child’s relationship with her other parent. You can’t make him be a better father. You can explain to your daughter that it isn’t her fault, tell her he loves her but has some problems which make it hard for him to do what other fathers do. You can also point out that your husband loves her and is happy to spend time with her and do things with her.
NTA but I would use a co-parenting app so his lack of contact on his part is recorded so he can’t change the narrative to attack you.
He only gets to make you feel guilty of you let him.
He’s got all the tools and resources to stay in contact if he wanted to
NTA
When my ex and I divorced I told him I would facilitate any relationship he wanted with the kids, but the effort needed to come from him and his relationship with them was up to him. He went MIA after a very short time and we call him a Christmas present parent now. We see him once a year for five seconds. It broke my heart for a long time, but I realized it was his loss and not ours. My kids are now old enough to realize how little he is around without any help from me (I was age appropriate honest but I never trashed him)
ESH – simply because what did you think him giving up custody means? That means he’s out of her life.
OP it seems that while her bio Dad is a crappy father, you and your hsuband happily accepted full custody. However, you have done nothing to prepare your daughter for that. Since you and your husband chose to accept fully custody it is now on you to help her transition and manage her expectations.
You also seem to care more about what he says about you. Look, he’s out the picture and he can say what he wants. You can’t control his opinion.
For e.g, he probably does genuinely feel when he had her part time that you negatively influenced their relationship and it may be part of why he gave her up. You can’t change that.
You need to focus on your child and prepare her for a life where her Dad is not around or only sporadically around. You need counselling as well. She’s old enough to know her Dad – he may be a shit Dad but she may still desire interaction with him if ever reaches out. Please ensure you don’t play games and get into a power struggle. Yes, he’s not turning up but it’s about her (not your feelings about it).
Also, the wellbeing of your child – reddit’s view is meaningless. Get real support thrpugh counselling so you can fully support your kid and be well.