Not the first time he’s left during an argument. When it’d happen in the past I’d call him like the next day begging him to come home. Honestly my self esteem has been horrible because of the way he treats me. I’d always freak out that he’d cheat and I’d beg him to come home. When he left he even made a smart comment “you’re going to be crying for me to come back home”. Guess what? It’s been 4 days and I’m at peace. He went to his dads and I know he wasn’t expecting to be gone this long. I know he’s just waiting for me to cry to him. He texted me yesterday “What do you want to do about our relationship?” I didn’t respond so a couple hours later he responded “Are you ignoring me on purpose?” Then a couple hours later “hello?”
Our daughter had a doctors appointment so I just responded to the text telling him how her appointment went.
I’m just tired. And I’ve changed.
I also want to add. Every time he’s left in the past he’s NEVER come back home without me begging him. He’s never just said sorry can I come back home. Always me.
He’s so manipulative and I got tired of it. I snapped at him and told him to go.
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Original copy of post’s text by /u/Familiar-Shine1286:
Not the first time he’s left during an argument. When it’d happen in the past I’d call him like the next day begging him to come home. Honestly my self esteem has been horrible because of the way he treats me. I’d always freak out that he’d cheat and I’d beg him to come home. When he left he even made a smart comment “you’re going to be crying for me to come back home”. Guess what? It’s been 4 days and I’m at peace. He went to his dads and I know he wasn’t expecting to be gone this long. I know he’s just waiting for me to cry to him. He texted me yesterday “What do you want to do about our relationship?” I didn’t respond so a couple hours later he responded “Are you ignoring me on purpose?” Then a couple hours later “hello?”
Our daughter had a doctors appointment so I just responded to the text telling him how her appointment went.
I’m just tired. And I’ve changed.
I also want to add. Every time he’s left in the past he’s NEVER come back home without me begging him. He’s never just said sorry can I come back home. Always me.
He’s so manipulative and I got tired of it. I snapped at him and told him to go.
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You are NTA. He’s acting childish and manipulative. Good on you for calling him on his bullshit and not begging him to come home this time.
Do you want him to come back or is your life better without him across the board? If you want to, you could add, “when you are ready to apologise for your behaviour you can come home. Not before then.”
Peace shouldn’t feel like rebellion, but when you’ve been manipulated for so long, choosing yourself can feel like the loudest act of freedom.
NTA. Get yourself some counseling and perhaps couples counseling too.
NTA
He broke you one too many times and the new, improved you is ready to finally breathe.
NTA – He has weaponised that aspect of your relationship and by not responding he’s basically lost his only leverage
Not the asshole.
It takes a lot of strength to break a pattern thats been hurting you for so long. It sounds like you’re finally standing up for yourself even if its really hard. You’re doing whats best for you and your daughter, and that is what matters most
NTA. Congratulations on seeing he is manipulating you and knowing you don’t deserve that and knowing your daughter doesn’t deserve to see that is how men are allowed or supposed to treat women. Remind your husband he left. If he wants to come back he can do therapy and do the work to come back, but he is the one who routinely abandons his family and you won’t showcase accepting and allowing that for your child. You are modeling knowing your value and demanding respect so she will have better when she grows up.
You have to decide what you need from the relationship now. If it’s for him to hear you then you need to speak in terms where he does.
Lots of the time arguments come because one person thinks they are saying one thing but different words are coming out their mouth to what they want to.
You both need to hear each other and agree to not shout or cut in when you speak.
That you are asking here means you probably aren’t totally ready to walk away from the marriage which is great. But now you both have to work to save it.
Good luck
Congrats. You grew up.
enjoy the quiet. He left, next move is his.
Feels good to take some control of your life back, right? You are NTA. Enjoy.
Reading your post history…..
Hope your new job, baby, dog and cat are okay
But for the love of god don’t get any more pets or kids if you’re with this Ahole
Been here, took me 18 years to grow some balls (I am a woman) and I wish I did it earlier.
More importantly…. my children wish I’d done it earlier. Come on girl, you got this. Show him how well you smash life without his games!
I would be gone when he gets back.
Get a consult with a divorce attorney. NTA for refusing to play his games. Start living as if you are living alone NOW to make it easier for the divorce.
When he comes back and starts his drama, remember how peaceful you felt with him gone. It will inspire you.
NTA. He obviously wants to mess with you, but you have to stand firm. You have been feeling great without him, which is the most important thing. Seems like he needs you more than you need him. Do you.
NTA
What a scummy man. Playing games with your head and not even bothering to check on his daughter while he’s gone!
NTA for standing your ground and choosing peace over manipulation, it’s empowering to see someone finally take control of their narrative… I hope you continue to prioritize your well-being and that of your family.
Is there an AITA question here?
NTA, but you both need help.
Sounds like emotional abuse. NTA
Congratulations to OP! You are strong!
YTA to yourself and your child. You’re normalizing this dysfunction, and your kid sees that. End it already.
Big girl panties fit pretty comfortably, don’t they?
Why did you marry this person?
NTA. Sounds like you’re finally smelling the coffee. This is your life if you continue to be the one to cave and beg and he’s counting on that cuz I guess it gives him some sort of a Power Trip. But you’ve reached the end of your limit and sounds like you’re taking your power back. No don’t beg him to come back. He asked again about the relationship saying I want marriage counseling and no I don’t want you to come home at the present time. And then you can tell him in therapy how wonderful it’s been without him home. You no longer walking on eggshells and having to worry about everything. So his Dear Abby would tell you make a list are you better off with him or without him.
NTA- meh to the drama queen. Just say “honestly, this is easier” when he texts again. He really is the prissy princess in this relationship. He doesn’t even want to pretend that he wants to be in the relationship. Let him sulk. He’s degrading your self worth with his “beg for me” bullshit.
Not a good thing for your daughter to see.
It is SO difficult to be with a disordered person and they only show their cards after they have hooked you. And then they hook people who are thoughtful and considerate and vulnerable to being torn apart. And then they slowly tear you apart. Blaming you for everything. But then sometimes people wake up and they rise up and they change and they start to see the situation for what it is and they step out of the game. You have stepped out of the game. Be very very careful. Speaking from experience, when they catch on that you have stepped out of the game, they use every single possible resource they have to pull you back in and then they make sure they hold you under And then you kind of go into an emotional coma from being subjugated and sometimes you don’t come back out for years. Now you see who he is. Now you see the damage that has been done to you by being with him. I would really strongly urge you not to talk about it. Not to enable him. But just get your ducks in a row. Start thinking about what your opportunities are. How long it would take. What you would need to put in place. Don’t let him know. Go Grayrock. You don’t have to beg him to come back. But let him get complacent again. Let him think that even though you didn’t beg him to come back and that is going to scare the shit out of him, let him think that everything is just going back to normal. Keep him away from being aware of what’s going on inside of you. This is the only way that you can manage to not notify him. He feeds on you and he needs you and he needs to subjugate you any projects everything on you. Him finding out that you are seeing things clearly would activate him into full protective mode which would mean crushing your awareness and crushing you again.best of luck.
Change the locks.
NTA. Tell him you’d prefer for him to stay at his dad’s for a while. Let him know that you have a lot of thinking about what you want to do about your relationship. Then make an appointment to talk to an attorney while you are weighing you options. He is not going to change. He’s not sorry. He’s a bit confused now, waiting for you to beg for him to come home. The big question is whether the new you wants to stay married to him?
NTA, finally. After what seems like many years of being abused, you’re finally sticking up for yourself. You hit the breaking point and chose the correct path. The road to peace may not involve that man. If it does, he’s got some serious growth to accomplish. Seriously evaluate your situation, I bet you’ll find you don’t need that garbage anymore.
NTA. Let him stay gone. As you said you’re at peace, why ruin it?
NTA While he’s gone contact a lawyer. Do not play his idiotic games, you have a child to take care of. Also, book yourself an appointment to see a therapist. You know you deserve better than this and are clearly tired of being on this roller coaster. He left, let him stay gone. If you do want to stay with him, HE has to make some clear and visible changes or hand him divorce papers.
Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking emotional manipulation and abuse is normal and acceptable? If you don’t leave, you are absolutely TA. If you choose yourself and your child over this abusive narcissist, then NTA.
NTA. Good for you for gaining your self respect. There’s a saying that the person who cares the least controls the relationship. Now you are in control. Think long and hard about whether your life is better with him or without him.
“I’m tired of you running off like a petulant child whenever we have an argument. I will not be asking you to return anymore. You need to make a decision about the future of our relationship, and whether or not you want to behave like a grown man and have an intelligent conversation about our issues. If not let me know and I will contact a divorce attorney. The balls in your court.“
It’s time for you to walk away from this manchild. He’s narcissistic and manipulative. As you’ve emotionally matured, he has chosen to stay the same. That’s not a way to live. Quit begging him and let him pout.
Nope the trash took itself out. And taking him back is like throwing up and going back to eat it up. Just stop
NTA
Put the shoe on his foot. Where it belongs.
So you have realized life and home is less stressful without him around.
Why is he not your soon to be ex husband?
Tell him he can come home if he apologizes first or in 2 days you will put all his stuff in the front yard and he can come and get it.
You’re not the AH
But you’ve manipulated for so long that choosing yourself makes you feel like you are one
At this point you need to decide what’s your important you or him
Sweetheart you need a new husband.
He’s manipulative. Take this opportunity to change the locks & file for divorce. NTA
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. He pressed your panic button too often, slammed it too hard, and now it doesn’t work.
He broke his wife. Hope he’s happy with his decision.
He doesn’t respect you. He doesn’t love you. If you aren’t in service to his ego, you don’t matter to him.
The only question now is, how best to preserve your newfound peace?
I wish you mountains of tranquility.
NTA
My ex used to do this. I feel it’s some sort of control, making you beg for them to come back.
You need to assess what you want. If you want him back and want to work on things, discuss it.
If you dont want him back, tell him. Just remember that you’re going to be setting an example for your daughter, so think about what example you want to set.
Personally I used to hate it when my ex would just walk out, I felt like she was walking out on me and couldn’t be bothered to sit and talk.
Stay the course and keep that arrogant ahole off-balance. lol Good job!
Now you have to figure what exactly it is you want moving forward, so you’ll know what you need to do next. Want him back but a better version of him? Divorce and start fresh? What? Your call. And good luck.
NTA. TIme for a divorce.
He’s abusing you and you finally had enough it sounds like. That feeling, peace? Chase it. It will lead you away from him. Never let anyone steal your peace. Not disturb. Kids, families, jobs they disturb your peace intrinsically. Can’t be helped. But STEALING peace? That’s deliberate, malicious, and knowingly harmful.
He likes watching you beg. It gives him a thrill and ego boost. You have been reinforcing his shit treatment of you, thinking it was just ‘fighting for your man.’ Newsflash, women can get new partners a hell of lot easier then men. He is REPLACEABLE.
NTA
You said since he’s been gone you have been at peace. If you desire peace then he needs to stay gone.
NTA. You said he’s manipulative. You said he expects you to beg him to come back. You said he treats you horribly. Is any of this setting a good example for your child(ren)? Is this what you want them to think is normal?
If you want to respond to his texts, go ahead. Or, you could do as you did and ignore them except for information you feel he should have, like with your child. But, under no circumstances should you beg him to come back.
Though, I will repeat his question for you to think about. What do YOU want to do with your relationship with him? It sounds to me there isn’t anything worth saving, but only you can make that decision.
The way you break this toxic dynamic where he does something cruel and hurtful (leave) and then you grovel to get him back is exactly what you are doing – just stop doing that second bit. He doesn’t get his emotional satisfaction from your suffering if you just refuse to go along with the script.
NTA. Don’t beg him. Just let him stew in his own unsatisfying situation.
NTA.
He sounds emotionally abusive. You did the right thing; keep at it. Unless his dumbass can apologize and take a little accountability, he needs to stay gone.
NTA see a divorce lawyer and get him for abandonment. He left the house. you deserve a home filled with peace
He sounds like a narcissistic bellend if you ask me. He’s made his bed several times now let him lay in it. Permanently. Fafo.
Enjoy your new life, free of dramatic man baby.
in response to his question about the relationship I’d tell him I like the current situation just fine,
The song too good at goodbyes is accurate. You’re nta
“My and my kids future doesn’t contain a loser who throws tantrums and expects us to apologise. You’re done, we’re over. Hope it was worth acting like a shitty toddler”
Sounds like you are in a loop of an avoidant-(your husband) and anxiously attachment (you) style.
Nta. Never begg a man for anything. He should be doing anything he can to go back home. He will come love bomb you dont fall for it. He can stay with his dad
This would be a hill I would die on. Don’t ever beg him to come back again. Tell he is the one that left, does he want to make it permanent? I don’t believe in kid games as an adult in a long term relationship.
Good for you for finally not accepting this crappy treatment. It’s manipulative behavior and you should NEVER put up with it.
Ive been married 18 years and I have never slept away from my house due to an argument. You do not have to live like this. This is a man child. Let him go.
Don’t beg him to come back. Sounds like you found peace without him around. He’s going to start love bombing you. Don’t listen. He needs to actually apologize and make a real effort to change.
Congratulations are your newly busted Give-A-Fuck. It is so liberating to smash the rest of those pieces into dust. File the papers. If you would like help getting started, DM me. I run a legal document preparation service.