I’m 35F, my husband is 37M. We live in a big city with our 6yo daughter. His parents live a few hours away in a smaller town and they come stay with us maybe 3–4 times a year. I do like them and we usually get along, but whenever they visit it feels like I’m some tour guide. But right now I’m second guessing how harsh I am.
This time my husband agreed to them staying without asking me. I already had plans, a pilates class Saturday morning that was non refundable and my daughter’s best friend’s birthday party in the afternoon. She’s missed so many parties lately because she keeps getting sick with this weather, so I really wanted her to go. I told my husband I wasn’t cancelling, but I’d help get the flat ready and spend Sunday with everyone.
They arrived Friday and asked what I was cooking for dinner.I was so done and had a horrible week at work and just got delivery. I am a good cook and I cook often so I think maybe here is my issue, I post my food often on my story and MIL always appreciates it and says make this for us next time we’re in town so I should’ve put in that effort.
Saturday I went to class, then the party. When I got back my MIL half-joked that I was busier than the head of UN . Later, when I showed pictures of her at the party with her super Cheshire Cat grin in this adorable dress, instead of appreciating it, she said, “She would’ve been happy at home too .”
I told her I was glad they were here, but I can’t cancel everything and I hope she gets it. I didn’t say it but it’s weird she doesn’t care that her granddaughter has a hard time at school because she’s sick so often and doesn’t get to make friends. This was her one best friend and she had fun?? How can she be against it. She didn’t push it, but the vibe after was definitely full of side glances.
After they left, my husband told me he got where I was coming from but also said, “They don’t really care about the restaurants or sightseeing, they just want time with you and her. And they barely come over so they miss us” Which made me feel so horrible because they do give us gifts everytime they come but sometimes I just think that I did spend time and I do call so idk at this point
Comments
You already had things on your schedule. YOu are not required to cancel for last minute plans. NTA
NOT YOUR PROBLEM
Though the husband is, his decision, his problems, maybe if he’d asked things might have been different
NTA
NTA
I agree with that, Husband. BUT, we cannot cancel our already scheduled plans. Had you asked me first about this weekend BEFORE agreeing to host a visit with your parents, then you would have been able to tell them that this weekend was too busy. Also, our daughter has had a rough time and was looking forward to that birthday party with her best friend. It’s unfair of your mother to guilt trip me over that. So, how about you confirm with me about any possible plans before agreeing to your parents visiting.
Also, OP. You are not their hostess and chef on demand. It’s nice that they appreciate and enjoy your cooking. But the expectation and entitlement tours receiving a delicious who cooked meal without any concern for your feelings is definitely inconsiderate.
Your husband is using you and daughter as a buffer. If he had a great relationship with them, I think they would have thought it nice to have a day alone together. You are NTA, but he is.
They need to go through you for scheduling. Not him. If they want undivided attention.
You didn’t invite them. He did by not saying no. Do not feel bad!!!!
If you have a good relationship with them, why dont you talk to them? Let them know you enjoy hosting them, but in order to give the visit the attention it deserves you need X amount of notice. If they choose to visit last minute, they’re going to have to deal with daughter’s schedule and takeout.
I also wonder if hubs didnt have more notice and just failed to tell you.
NTA
Your husband should have been sure there were no conflicts that weekend. I think the only thing I would have done different once they started throwing shade, would be to make sure they knew this was their son’s fault because he made plans without checking the calendar or including you in the conversation.
Then they need to plan better and give you a heads up and husband needs to plan better too because he apparently understands so how is this your fault or your daughters? You’re supposed to drop everything in your own life because someone can’t ask first if you’re free for the weekend? And how hard is it for someone to be authenticator happy when a little girl gets a bit of joy out of life?
Next time, pick a free weekend and call and invite them. That way, you can control and minimize (not eliminate) scheduling conflicts.
If you have something coming up (e.g. husband’s birthday, daughter’s birthday or school event) that you know of, call MIL now. Apologize (even if you don’t need to as this wasn’t your fault) for the confusion of the last visit and joke with her about your DH forgetting to tell you. Suggest, as in “maybe you and I should coordinate calendars going forward” and then ask her if they are free for whatever date in the future you might want them to visit. If she sees that you being pro-active/not trying to avoid her, she’ll get over her disappointment in time.
Then husband needs to tell parents “I need to check out family calendar and see if the dates you would like to visit work for us.” I think it also would be beneficial for him to sit down and tell them while it’s great to see them, kiddo has things going and and so do both of you and you’re not just going to cancel.
Time for your husband to manage their expectations…. it was unplanned and he should have told them that you had plans so may not be seeing them quite as much as usual.
And order takeout himself!
NTA. My mom visits my sister often and they are always busy. Mom fits herself into their plans, not the other way around. If she wants to visit, this should become the norm. The kids will only get busier.
NTA
Your husband should have discussed it with you first and a simple, “This weekend doesn’t work for us, but how about next weekend?” would have potentially avoided hurt feelings all around. Also, your ILs need to understand that just because they’re in town, your world doesn’t stop turning. I’m assuming they drove – they could have gone out and done something by themselves for a few hours.
NTA, they can’t expect you to drop everything, when you had no notice it’s called making plans and they should try it.
Had your husband spoken with you before having them come, they could have waited until a weekend you were free. He caused the problem, it’s on him.
NTA, if what they really wanted was to spend time with you and your daughter your husband should not have arranged for them to visit when you had other plans. Ask your husband please talk to you before he agrees to a visit so you can check your availability. I would go so far as to put this squarely on his shoulders. Tell MIL your husband agreed to the visit without checking with you first and while you love spending time with them, you can’t always change your plans.
BTW why can’t your husband cook dinner?
NTA. He should have told them to come a different weekend and coordinated it with you. Your husband’s an AH for assuming you would drop everything for them. He needs to learn his lesson.
NTA
Not too strong on your actions to maintain your scheduled events. Tell you ILs to call you also to double check the calendar. Seems your husband prioritizes HIS family, not YOUR family. And that’s wrong no matter what’s going on.
Have that discussion with Hubs and set boundaries. Have him explain his mistakes to his parents or you’ll have to do so. Stop feeling like you’re wrong, you are not!
NTA
This should be a lesson to your husband to check with you before making arrangements.
You were already too kind, should have let him get everything ready on his own, too.
NTA. When she passive aggressively said “she would’ve been happy at home too” I hope you mentioned that your husband didn’t check with you before agreeing to their visit. “MIL, your son didn’t check with me before agreeing to your visit. We already had plans for this weekend.” The end. Put it on her son. Your daughter should not have her plans changed because her dad is an inconsiderate man. And good for you, for NOT having changed your plans. You did nothing wrong here. As for your husband’s comment at the end, that was him also being passive aggressive (wonder where he learned that 🙄) to make YOU feel bad. Again, this is all on him.
You’re not an AH. And in this case their AHness is actually relatively minor. Your husband, as the link, should simply underscore the fact that for everyone involved it’s best to plan these visits well in advance so they don’t feel they’ve wasted most of their time and energy coming to visit when you are busy and you can plan and prepare to focus energy on an extended family weekend rather than feeling torn between different priorities.
Making plans well in advance is etiquette for a good reason.
NTA DH is
Your DH should have checked with you before inviting company over to ensure you and LO would be available to spend time with your company.
This is on him. Do not let him gaslight you
NTA
That seems like a pretty quiet weekend with only 2 activities
Did your husband know about your plans when he said his parents could come? I’d suggest sharing your calendars with each other, most apps will do it easily so that hobbies, kids activities etc. are always seen by both parents
This is on your husband for not speaking to you first. NTA. Maybe he’ll learn to ask instead of just assuming.
If they want to spend time with you, then they should plan ahead and not come when you already have plans. And your husband should never agree to a visit without discussing it with you.
Due to behavior when my oldest was a baby, I no longer spend time with some of my ILs without my husband present. Several years ago, MIL planned to come to town the day we returned from a two week vacation. She stays with SIL and the timing was based on SIL’s schedule. My husband was leaving town the next day. We told her as soon as she announced her plans that it didn’t work for us. The kids and I would be unavailable. Husband was out of town. She called or texted me every day, proposing one thing or another. I said no every time. Towards the end of the week, after I’d said no yet again, she got snippy and said, “Well, I stayed down here all week to see your kids too.” I replied, “Well, then you probably should have asked us if this week worked for us, because it doesn’t and we told you that upfront.”
NTA, you already helped prep, spent Sunday with them, and made sure your kid got to live her life too. Them visiting doesn’t mean your whole weekend gets canceled. Your husband should be the one managing their expectations, not you.
So your husband’s parents are not interested in spending time alone with him, their son?? He is just crumbs? Since this appears to be the case, then he must not have them come when he will actually have to spend one on one time with them, right???
NTA and I don’t think you have anything to apologize for. I’ll never understand how people can just show up with very little forethought and expect you to drop everything. Of course you would love to see them, but why is it so hard to schedule something when you don’t have things planned? It’s basic human respect. I’m not sure who is worse with these things, our parents or our grandparents, bc both generations seem to suffer from a ridiculous sense of entitlement over our lives, as shown by many of these stories… Rest easy mamma, you’re doing it right.
Husband should have asked then. It really comes down to scheduling and checking the whole family is actually available before agreeing to let guests stay. I’m sure he won’t make that mistake again.
NTA,
After your husband gave you the little guilt trip speech you should’ve said “that’s why it’s important that you let me know that they are coming or run it by me first . I would have told you that Saturday we will be busy all day long.” and tell him if he does it again without asking you that you will not be changing plans for you or your daughter as simple as that then you have to stick to your guns.
100% on the husband for not checking with you to see if that weekend was free for his parents to visit.
This is the first time you haven’t stalled your whole life for them.
And they didn’t appreciate how busy you all are.
THE answer to this is for THEM TO PLAN in advance – and for your husband to take on more effort.
No. Children don’t want to miss birthday parties to sit with old people that don’t seem to appreciate the fact that everyone HAS A LIFE.
They are peripheral characters.
Stop feeling horrible because that was their goal.
Mom guilt.
And when they say they are coming – let them know what’s going on.
“That’s gym class day, that afternoon is swimming and I have a work project to complete on Sunday. Set your expectations accordingly.”
NTA
I hope your husband has learned that he should check the calendar before agreeing to host, and your in-laws should wait to be invited before asking to come over.
Your husband should have been able to entertain his own parents for a few hours on one day without leaning on you and your daughter to do it for him.
NTA. Your husband didn’t ask and therefore didn’t check to make sure it was a good time to visit. That’s not your fault.
Jesus. If my fiancé did this I’d be pissed too. His mom asks when is a good time, he asks me if we have plans and I confirm which weekend would be best.
My fiancé’s dad however doesn’t care what we’re doing and just comes uninvited (an issue my fiancé has been trying to fix since he moved out of state) so the last time his dad came with 2 days notice I had already made plans and there was a convention going on I had already got tickets for, and his dad asked if I could reschedule…like no. I told my fiancé I was going with or without him and his dad can hang out and go sightseeing on his own and we’d catch up afterwards. His dad wasn’t happy about it but I literally did not care. I was 5 months postpartum and it was my first big outing since having my son so I was super excited about it.
In laws are gicinf main character energy totally uncalled for
If she complains to you. “Yes, this is what happens with a young family – we have busy lives and planned activities. We won’t be able to sit still all weekend for visits. But we will enjoy the time we do have to share with you.”
Your husband didn’t coordinate with you. His parents, his problem, his job to entertain them. Do they think your daughter would have had more fun with two boring old people then at her friends party?
Surely MIL can cook and should be offering as she’s an unwanted guest in a house of busy people. Next time order them McDonald’s.
The lack of consideration is wild. Maybe cut the visits down to once a year, if that. Don’t feel bad about it either. This one falls on your husband as probably a lot of other times do as well.