AITA for not reminding my mom’s husband of her birthday?

r/

He has been married to her for two years. Dated for one before that. I(26) knew he’s quite busy but didn’t think he would forget.

On Mom’s birthday, my brother and I got her one present each. Her favorite actress is starring in a new series so I bought her the novel it’s based on, so she can read it before the show is released. My brother got her a Popmart figurine.

When we went over to their house and her husband realized that he forgot, he got upset. He said we should have warned him since we know how much time he spends at work and that things can slip his mind.

Comments

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    He has been married to her for two years. Dated for one before that. I(26) knew he’s quite busy but didn’t think he would forget.

    On Mom’s birthday, my brother and I got her one present each. Her favorite actress is starring in a new series so I bought her the novel it’s based on, so she can read it before the show is released. My brother got her a Popmart figurine.

    When we went over to their house and her husband realized that he forgot, he got upset. He said we should have warned him since we know how much time he spends at work and that things can slip his mind.

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    OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:

    > I might be the asshole for not reminding him since I do know how busy he is with his work.

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  3. IllustriousSyzygy Avatar

    Does he pay you for being his personal assistant? No? Then NTA.

  4. SneakySneakySquirrel Avatar

    NTA. If he’s so successful at work, surely he knows how to put important dates on a calendar.

  5. PM_ME_SEXY_SANDWICH Avatar

    NTA. He’s a grown ass adult. There are plenty of ways to remind one’s self of important days and activities if you know you’re busy or forgetful and he didn’t bother.

  6. icxrusluv Avatar

    NTA. It’s not your responsibility to handle things for a grown man he should remember by default. And calendars exist on our phones that can remind you well in advance.

  7. PleaseCoffeeMe Avatar

    Hubs is an adult, he needs to adult, which means putting a reminder on his calendar. He’s had three years to enter that information. NTA

  8. Spare_Ad5009 Avatar

    NTA. No big deal. He was embarrassed and upset. Next year text him.

  9. Impossible_Smile4113 Avatar

    In this day and age of digital calendars with alarm systems and multiple reminders… no, you’re NTA. He should use his available resources and make sure he’s not in the dog house when it comes to important wife dates. This is 110% on him.

  10. Angylisis Avatar

    NTA. If a grown man can’t figure out how to use a calendar, he’s trash.

  11. Illustrious_Box_7878 Avatar

    NTA. I mean yeah you could have given him a reminder, but in no way shape or form is that your responsibility. He is a grown adult. If he knows one of his flaws is that he can be forgetful then he can put reminders in his calender to counter that. I’m sure he does it for his work life, why not for his personal life

  12. Wild-Card-543 Avatar

    For his birthday you sbould buy him a calendar.

  13. nemsoli Avatar

    NTA. There’s this thing called a calendar. He should look into it.

  14. GroundbreakingPast31 Avatar

    You’re not his secretary and he is a grown adult. NTA

  15. Existing_Try_2857 Avatar

    The real issue is that, instead of owning his own screw up, he tried to blame you for “not reminding him”. That’s just a really bad look for a grown ass man, who has a passing fancy with how calendars work and presumable has a smart phone, with a what’s it called, yeah, it’s a freaking calendar!!! I feel bad for your mom that she is married to someone so self
    absorbed, he can’t be bothered to remember her bday.

  16. Reikotsu Avatar

    NTA.

    Like…what? Is he for real? He should be mad at himself and take some accountability for his lack of attentiveness.

  17. TheNewCarIsRed Avatar

    Does the man have a phone? They have calendars. He can literally put it in once and make it recurring. This isn’t on you. I bet he remembers key facts and information that interest him…

  18. Careless-Ability-748 Avatar

    nta that’s not your responsibility

  19. Weak-Elephant-1760 Avatar

    It’s not your job to remind a grown man of his wife’s birthday

  20. DLQuilts Avatar

    He has a phone, but can’t be bothered to enter it once?

  21. nw826 Avatar

    NTA. He’s supposedly a grown man. Doesn’t he know how the calendar function in his phone works?

  22. Glass_Bat2332 Avatar

    NTA everyone should know their spouses bday wth. The amount of technology he could have set up to prevent him from remembering too is insane

  23. Sea_Marble Avatar

    NTA. It’s not your job or responsibility to parent other adults.

  24. Lazy_Tomato4321 Avatar

    HIS memory is not YOUR responsibility

  25. Timely-Profile1865 Avatar

    NTA unless you knew he was going to forget and you have issues with him. Then maybe.

    In the end we are all responsible for remembering or setting up reminders for our own important dates.

  26. Ok_Rip_6434 Avatar

    I always forget birthdays. And my mother made a big deal about them in a nice way. Nobody’s perfect. My four sons don’t seem to hold it against me. I give nice presents or money once reminded. I do remember my grandchildren’s b’days because they tell me what to get them and when to order to be sure the Amazon delivery is on time. I always appreciate it when my daughters in law remind me.

  27. Flimsy-Call-3996 Avatar

    NTA. Bet he will remember next year as he wipes that egg off his face!

  28. Substantial-Baby-836 Avatar

    Did he also blame you for now showing him where the clitoris is?

    NTA obviously.

  29. lizndale Avatar

    Oh, so it’s YOUR fault that he forgot her birthday. Yikes.

  30. Ghost_of_Euck Avatar

    NTA

    If a man has been dating / engaged / married to a woman for 3+ years, he damn well ought to have committed her birthday to memory at that point. Or if he has trouble with birthdays (which is a real thing, but usually not with one’s spouse!) then put a reccuring reminder in your phone / computer, dude. Not rocket science.

    Then he plays the “not my fault, you should’ve reminded me” card? Yeah, Certified Asshole. Jesus, not the end of the world… own up, say you’re sorry, and make it up to her (mostly by not forgetting again).

  31. ProgrammerLevel2829 Avatar

    I bet he remembers things he considers important … like work stuff.

  32. Emotional_Fan_7011 Avatar

    NTA. He has a smartphone and it has a calendar app.

  33. keesouth Avatar

    NTA. It’s not that hard to set a reminder on his phone. That’s not your job

  34. RenEss77 Avatar

    Nta, he’s an adult.

  35. cinnamongirl73 Avatar

    Uh this is what the calendar app is for in ones phone! Oof!

  36. ConfuseableFraggle Avatar

    NTA! Lol! Does he use a cell phone? Those have calendars where you can set reminders for upcoming events. Does he have to know dates or deadlines for his work projects? Then he can keep track of family events using the same method he tracks work stuff. Only 2 years into a marriage and he is already shifting blame for his mistakes to people who don’t even live in the house. Lol! Not your fault at all, OP.

  37. squirrell1974 Avatar

    NTA

    Your gift for you mom was so thoughtful. I love that so much 💕

    Your stepfather, though. He was embarrassed that he forgot his wife’s birthday and he was projecting that onto you.

    If this was a one off event, then it probably is just that he was super busy, although it still isn’t your responsibility to remind a grown ass adult that it’s his wife’s birthday. As others have said there are a lot of ways to remind yourself of important dates.

    If this is a pattern of behavior, be careful. Maybe he’s always had someone else to take care of him, or he’s so self absorbed he just doesn’t care. In my experience, usually people who behave like this can’t admit they made a mistake and instead blames their mistakes on others.

    Since you don’t live with your mom and stepfather, you don’t have to deal with it on the daily, but it’s probably good to be aware of this behavior if it’s a regular thing.

  38. x0utsid3r- Avatar

    No he’s responsible for his own mental load. Seriously. 😂😤

  39. Brave-Fun-7984 Avatar

    NTA. He’s married to your mother so he should know when her birthday is and not expect you to remind him. That’s the reason why calendars also exist.

  40. Mina_Girl Avatar

    NTA this is all on him

  41. mpurdey12 Avatar

    NTA

    $5 says that if you had reminded him of your mother’s birthday, he would have gotten annoyed and defensive and snapped at you that he knew when his wife/your mother’s birthday is.

  42. wagowop Avatar

    NTA, he’s a grown ass man and should be capable of remembering her birthday.

  43. sjb67 Avatar

    Nope, he’s an adult and a man and don’t need to be told anything!!

  44. Davidoff_guy Avatar

    NTA. His responsibility. Provided that there was no intentionality in not reminding him.

    If you did it intentionally (only you know that), YTA. Not for the lack of a reminder as much as knowing you could help and chose not to.

  45. absolutnonsense Avatar

    NTA. Surely this adult man knows that his wife has a birthday and that she would want to celebrated on that day. If he knew he had forgotten the date of that birthday he could have and should have ASKED one of her children. Then once he was sure of the date he could have used one of the multitude of options our modern world has to offer in order to remember when it was coming. But he didn’t take those very easy steps to do even the bare minimum to make his wife feel seen and cared for by him. Instead he’d rather blame others for his failure. We’re all busy in this world. If he cared he would have made an effort.

  46. a_round_a_bout Avatar

    So I have an extremely busy job, and my colleagues have busy jobs. And I know other people with busy jobs. And guess what we all have in common? We all live by our fucking calendars.

    Do you also know what successful people don’t do? Blame others for their bullshit mistakes.

  47. layneeofwales Avatar

    NTA, I’m sure he has a phone, and he should put important dates in his calendar.
    He’s an AH 2x . 1 for forgetting his wife’s birthday. 2nd for blaming you guys.

  48. Skidoodilybop Avatar

    He’s so busy, he must have a calendar to keep track of his schedule and tasks, right? It’s not hard to put your significant other’s birthday on the calendar too

  49. Labradawgz90 Avatar

    NTA- It’s not your responsibility to take care of his relationships. He’s an adult and needs to take care of his own responsibilities. I am wondering how often he likes to blame others for his own behavior and if the does it with your mom.

  50. EscaPlays Avatar

    NTA, of course. I have CPTSD and ADHD, both my long and short term memory are impacted. At times I can’t remember what I was saying as I was saying it. But you know what I do? I try my best to not make it other people’s problem by using a calendar and reminder alarms and all that. I have documents to put info about my loved ones into so I don’t forget the details I want to remember. I can just go visit the note for them and see anything relevant like gift tastes, bday, address, etc. so I don’t have to ask a million times.

    I also have dyscalculia, pretty common comorbidity with ADHD, which impacts the way that I understand, reason with, use and remember numbers. It’s basically number dyslexia for those who need a simplification. Meaning, all numbers are impacted for me, including bdays. For me in particular it impacts the year. It is so hard for me to remember the year of someone’s birth but much easier for me to tack down the month and day. I can rattle off my partners birth month and year no problem but have a hard time recalling the year! Isn’t that nuts? But I’ll know how old they are too so sometimes I just end up doing the math. But I also have it all written down like I said. I just can’t instant recall always. But that’s why I have the notes.

    I’m naturally type B personality too so like. Woof. You know? And despite all this, it is absolutely no one’s problem but mine. And I have disabilities! It’s still my problem and I am still responsible for it. Why do I have more accountability than your mom’s new husband, when I have what many people would consider more legitimate reasons? He was just busy? Cool, we all are, but we still take time and effort for those we love. It’s a whole lot of effort for me because of my conditions, but I do it with happiness knowing it’s for loved ones.

  51. Yaguajay Avatar

    NTA. Mention to your mother that you were chastised for this by her new husband.

  52. MajorAd2679 Avatar

    NTA

    He’s a grown man who decided of his own free will to marry your money.

    He’s not a kid who needs reminding! He’s an independent adult who should know when his wife’s birthday is. He can put recurring reminders on his phone if he needs it. You’re not responsible for this grown man! He only has himself to blame.

  53. Agreeable-Monk-5046 Avatar

    NTA. Why are you responsible for telling him when his wife’s birthday is?

  54. Such-Might5204 Avatar

    NTA. About 18 years ago this amazing invention called a smart phone was released to the world. I’m guessing he has one. Create a calendar entry with a reminder and it will show up every year… Or he could put the birthdate in the contact card for his wife and the phone will also reminder him without being in the calendar…

    Wait, I thought of another use – he could also put in their anniversary, so he doesn’t miss that…

    Wait – another use – he could put your birthday in there…

    He doesn’t get to blame you for his stupidity.

  55. whiteorchid1058 Avatar

    Calendars are amazing. He can set a reminder alert to manage his own life. NTA

  56. CaramelSlade Avatar

    NTA. Not your responsibility to remind him.

  57. Karineh Avatar

    NTA

    He’s a ding dong to get upset with you.

  58. eighthm00n Avatar

    NTA but he’s probably embarrassed and felt horrible

  59. JackB041334 Avatar

    If he’s working he needs to know the day and date. If he forgot, it’s his problem not yours.

  60. Ok_Rip_6434 Avatar

    I just use notes. Don’t know how to use calendar. My daughter in law makes a photo calendar for me every year with all dates. Sigh.
    I am 81 and still work so lots of things take a back seat. I am thinking of retiring.

  61. Electrical_Owl_451 Avatar

    Tldr no you’re not!

  62. peaceandprisms Avatar

    Maybe for her next birthday gift her an adult husband instead of whatever the fuck that is.

  63. LeftStatistician7989 Avatar

    No he needs to feel tho he result of his carelessness not have others anticipate and prevent it.
    Either he’s going to be too busy to remember birthdays or he’s going to have healthy relationships- can’t have both. Relationships are work and if he’s not up for it he needs to own it and go live in the wilderness.