My dad was in a car accident when I (17m) was 5 and he survived but he received around the clock care as a result and is in a kind of nursing home for younger people with disabilities who have complex medical needs. My mom divorced him and remarried after 3 years. Her husband and I don’t get along the best and my mom’s and my relationship is meh too. Their biggest issue with me is they don’t like that I couldn’t make space for her husband to step into the role of dad and didn’t welcome his family into that space with my dad’s side of the family. I never had a relationship with mom’s side so dad’s side is my wider family. My mom always said her husband did more for me than my dad could and I preferred to be with an empty shell over a living dad who could have been everything a young boy needed.
They’re not wrong that if it was ever a choice I could make I chose dad or his side of the family. And when I couldn’t choose and had to be with them it was never my choice and it didn’t make me happy. My mom did put a real effort into stopping it and for 2 years when I was younger I had no visits with dad or his side of the family at all. My dad’s family petitioned the courts for rights to see me and won and then mom gave in and only fought it some of the time.
For more than a month me and my extended family had plans to have a family day with dad. Then my mom’s ILs planned a joint birthday party for her husband, his mom and his sister. It was the same day I had plans with my family. Mom and her husband pressured me to ask to reschedule or pick another day but I refused. I wanted to see my dad more than I wanted to celebrate with him and his family.
The party was last weekend and when I didn’t reschedule they tried to ground me and mom told me I needed to go to therapy with her husband to fix our relationship because he’s the only father I have. So I moved out and went to stay with a family member. My mom has texted me every day and told me I was wrong for both things and I need to make it up to her husband at least.
I don’t feel bad about it. One’s my dad and the other isn’t even someone I would call my family. AITA?
Comments
NTA.
Your mom is awful, I’m sorry. Tell your dad I said hi and he’s awesome!
NTA you did nothing wrong. Your mom is in the wrong for trying to replace your dad!!! That’s disgusting behavior on her part and very manipulative trying to keep your dad’s side of the family from seeing you. Keep strong đź’Ş
NTA, your mother made a choice to remarry, NOT YOU. New husband knew she had a child, and you still had your dad and his family. That’s also his choice to come into said family. So your mom and her husband get to make choices that make THEMSELVES happy, but the choices you made to make yourself happy are wrong? Ask your mom why she gets to be happy, but you don’t. When people have children, the child’s happiness should always come first.
Updateme
Updateme
NTA
If you being present for the party was so important, they could have arranged it for another weekend surrounding the three birthdays cos I’m going to assume that the visits with your dad’s side are made in advance.
They wanted you to pick him over your dad and his side again and are nursing bruised egos that you didn’t.
But honestly, given what they said about your dad and his condition to you, they are delusional if they think saying things like that won’t have long lasting and major consequences.
I don’t get it….Do they think that forcing you a relationship with your stepdad is the best approach?!
I don’t understand their train of thought….let’s force him to have affection and relationship, erase his dad and bam…they will have a wonderful relationship….they don’t get that by doing that they are driving you away?! They are making it worse?!
I’m sorry OP! You are not wrong…they got married, they changed the dynamic, you don’t have to leave you dad to accept another person, but he needs to understand that it’s you who decides what role he will have in your life, and respect that! And you mother should respect that too.
NTA but your mother is for the “empty shell” comment alone. That and trying to therapy you into submission.
NTA. Tell your mom thanks for making it clear that if you’re ever handicapped for life, she’ll treat you as an empty shell unworthy of love, and replace you as quickly as she can. That’s a despicable philosophy and deserves no respect from you.
NTA. Your mom moved on from your father, which was her choice to make, but she shouldn’t have tried to make you do the same. She has handled everything to do with your stepfather and your dad about as poorly as she could. I’m sorry that she has let you down so badly, and I’m glad that you have your dad’s family to turn to.
NTA. Your mom is a horrible person to call your dad a shell of a man. I mean, wow. I would consider therapy and read this post to the therapist and say nothing. If they are a decent therapist they should be shocked and appalled.
Ask your mom when she’s going to be a parent and put your needs before her husband’s wants. Until she does, she shouldn’t consider herself a mother, much less a parent.
NTA
Updateme!
Nta. If it’s even possible (if she has feelings) HURT her… go for the jugular.
Call your mother out that you take your advice from somebody who doesn’t break their work or their marriage vows the minute that it becomes inconvenient for them to keep their word. And that her temu knockoff husband, the failure of a father figure, is a pathetic reason to abandon the man that she called her family.
She said vows to her husband for in sickness and at health, and as soon as it was difficult for her, she bailed. You’re not gonna bail on your father the way that she bailed on him because you actually have morals, which you obviously didn’t get from her.
Tell her husband you hope he never has to find out how quickly she will abandon him when he becomes inconvenient.
Tell her that she taught you how to bail on people, so she shouldn’t expect contact from you once you are no longer legally obligated to spend time with her pathetic ass.
NTA Your mother is an EPIC AH. Just go NC and save yourself the headache. She won’t change because she “isn’t the problem”. It will always be her way or the highway.
This is very familiar. Haven’t I seen it before?
NTA your Mom and her husband are terrible people! Your Dad is still alive!
Yeah, I don’t think therapy’s gonna go the way they hope it’s going to go. Alienating children from their biological family is a big no-no in court. They could’ve built a much better relationship had they been empathetic to your dad and you. So sorry you have to go through this.
Updateme
NTA
Mom is terrible. I would never have change my planned visit for a party that was obviously planned to cause an issue. Why does mom hate dad so much? She is angry?? If mom had not pushed so hard to erase Dad, maybe you could have developed a friendship with mom’s husband. Mom is TA
NTA. So much for “in sickness and in health”, right “Mom”?
NTA. Stay indifferent and they will eventually get the hint.
I don’t blame you one bit for continuing the plans with your Dad’s family. You did the right thing. Your mom is being incredibly cruel calling your Dad a shell. Im sure every time she says anything about your Dad it drives a bigger wedge in your relationship. Im sorry.
Updateme
Please as soon as you can legally stand up to your mom and tell her what a disgusting pos of a person she is and block her and go nc with her.