So long story short, my bf (36), asked me(28f) not to hug or talk to much to other men. I work at a large retail chain and have been there for almost 5 years the majority of the staff has stayed the same and the whole store is like family. When saying hello or good by we (everyone) male or female, normally give each other a quick side hug. Nothing intimate about it. My bf asked me a while ago not to hug men or speak to them outside of work when I explained the family thing and how most of them were at least 10-20 years older or married and the ones that weren’t were just my coworkers he said he did not care no male should even be touching me for any reason.
I try my best to respect that, I don’t initiate hugs and have began the fist pumps, but I will not deny a hug if they offer one. I just think it’s so awkward, to all of a sudden act different and even more embarrassing to explain my boyfriend won’t let me hug you anymore. It sounds controlling to me but maybe I’m wrong?
My bf saw a coworker give me a quick .5 second hug on his way out of work the other day and when I say quick I mean literal arm around shoulders standing side to side. Hes now using that as an excuse to put blame on me because I asked him to be more consistent in showing affection and love to me. He says I’m one to talk because I’m not consistent either because he told me not to hug people and I do it anyway and I don’t respect him. That’s really not the case! I know you should respect your partners boundaries and I’m trying and maybe I should just tell them no.
I just can’t help but feel constantly being manipulated, gaslit and I feel like he wants to control my interactions with people, if he sees me being friendly talking too much to others if there’s males then I’m two faced I act different around others or I want attention.
then again this is so frequent I’m starting to wonder if I just really am the problem here. So AITA and also not consistent because I do not tell them not to hug me anymore?
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So long story short, my bf (34), asked me(26f) not to hug or talk to much to other men. I work at a large retail chain and have been there for almost 5 years the majority of the staff has stayed the same and the whole store is like family. When saying hello or good by we (everyone) male or female, normally give each other a quick side hug. Nothing intimate about it. My bf asked me a while ago not to hug men or speak to them outside of work when I explained the family thing and how most of them were at least 10-20 years older or married and the ones that weren’t were just my coworkers he said he did not care no male should even be touching me for any reason.
I try my best to respect that, I don’t initiate hugs and have began the fist pumps, but I will not deny a hug if they offer one. I just think it’s so awkward, to all of a sudden act different and even more embarrassing to explain my boyfriend won’t let me hug you anymore. It sounds controlling to me but maybe I’m wrong?
My bf saw a coworker give me a quick .5 second hug on his way out of work the other day and when I say quick I mean literal arm around shoulders standing side to side. Hes now using that as an excuse to put blame on me because I asked him to be more consistent in showing affection and love to me. He says I’m one to talk because I’m not consistent either because he told me not to hug people and I do it anyway and I don’t respect him. That’s really not the case! I know you should respect your partners boundaries and I’m trying and maybe I should just tell them no.
I just can’t help but feel constantly being manipulated, gaslit and I feel like he wants to control my interactions with people, if he sees me being friendly talking too much to others if there’s males then I’m two faced I act different around others or I want attention.
then again this is so frequent I’m starting to wonder if I just really am the problem here. So AITA and also not consistent because I do not tell them not to hug me anymore?
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> I might be TA for not respecting my partners wishes and refusing hugs.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – leave this man alone.
He’s weird and I think you should run before things get weirder
NTA. He is, though.
Get out now before you get trapped with him forever.
No your not TA, your allowed to hug whoever you want like yes I get it’s his boundaries but still, if there is nothing going on between you then there is no problem with a hug, especially if it’s just a side hug.
NTA. He is though and very controlling
NTA but your controlling boyfriend is. You should probably get out of that relationship before it continues down an abusive path.
PRO TIP: A boundary is what you set for yourself, not others. 🙂
Oh NTA. Girl get out PLEASE. This man is not worth it. You’re even clicking his controlling tendencies and then brushing it off. If you stay with him, your self esteem and autonomy will slowly erode from him constantly imposing his will and having you question yourself.
Lowkey this behavior is very worrisome. Please approach with caution if you do decide to stay together.
Also, boundaries are something you set for yourself, you can’t set boundaries for others. You can have expectations or standards for other but a boundary isn’t (you can’t hug other men) it’s “I don’t hug my coworkers regardless of how close our relationship is” and he would be setting that for himself! Not you.
Honestly this sounds exhausting. You’re doing completely normal things that he is twisting. If you do decide fo stay with him, get ready for him to manipulate similar scenarios into you being the bad guy when you’ve done nothing wrong. Side hugs are not disrespectful to a relationship.
I really really hope you choose to walk away. If not, I’ll have to change my judgment to YTA to yourself for putting up with that nonsense
You’re not wrong, it is controlling. You boyfriend is waving around a red flag or five. NTA!
NTA you should be able to give a greeting type hug to men when you greet them or say goodbye.
That said, I have never had a workplace where hugs are the norm when saying hello or goodbye and I think your workplace situation is highly problematic. It’s a sexual harassment situation just waiting to happen. And I’m not buying for one minute that all the guys there hug each other hello and goodbye every single day.
Edit – grammar
NTA- he’s most definitely being controlling and manipulative… run
Not aita
He definately wants total control of you. Does he insecure much? Get out before you get trapped.
Dude sounds too controlling
NTA
Major yikes, he is not the one. It’s no wonder that he’s dating someone almost a decade younger than him because a woman his age would never give him the time of day.
NTA. Your boyfriend is demonstrating some very concerning behaviours. He’s jealous and controlling. And yes, manipulative. He already has you believing that innocent and normal social interactions are wrong and that you’re the one at fault. you are doing nothing wrong, except staying with a man like this.
NTA – if he’s trying to control who you hug, perhaps he does not deserve your hugs at all.
You are NTA but you need to move on from him because he doesn’t get to control what you do when your body. This is a major red flag.
There are stereotypes amongst men about men who date much younger women.
They are sometimes unfair, but not this time.
They are not positive. They center around the man being really insecure. Your man is ticking all of the boxes. Get out while you can.
>I just can’t help but feel constantly being manipulated, gaslit and I feel like he wants to control my interactions with people,
That’s because you are.
This is not going to get better. He is only going to become more controlling, and heaven forbid you have children with him.
Run far, run fast.
NTA
NTA
tell him to stop be a fking child. He thinks he has ammo when he has none. He’s just being a drama queen.
You are NTA but your bf sure is.
You feel like you’re being manipulated and gaslit because you are. He is controlling and disrespectful.
You are a grown adult and capable of deciding how you interact with others.
I’d maybe say he’s emotionally abusive. You deserve better.
INFO
What reasoning did your boyfriend provide for asking you to restrict your interactions of any kind with 50% of the population?
What concessions have you asked him to do for you in your relationship and how has he responded to them?
Look, to answer your question at face value, you’re not the AH for declining a hug. Even if it’s a hug from someone you have accepted hugs from in the past. I just think that decision should be yours, not your boyfriend’s.
My concern is more that your boyfriend has an issue with you talking with men outside of work. If he’s that insecure in your relationship, I think you’re in more trouble than you realize.
> I feel like he wants to control my interactions with people,
That’s exactly what he’s doing. Not what he wants to do, he’s doing it. He told you he wants you to have minimal interaction with anyone who he might consider a romantic rival rather than trusting that you, his girlfriend, isn’t betraying him by exchanging words or small affections with friends or coworkers. And you seem to be at least trying to comply with that request but you don’t sound comfortable with it.
NTA Someone here posted about boundaries the other day and I’m sure I’m going to mess up what they said, but the meaning is the same. Boundaries are rules you implement for things having to do with yourself. Control is implementing rules for what someone can do with themselves. Your boyfriend’s weird rules about what you can do with anyone isn’t a boundary, it’s control. Run away before it gets worse!
i feel like you know the answer to this you just need to listen to yourself
NTA. Run. This guy has more red flags than a May Day Parade in Moscow.
Your 2nd to last paragraph says it all. This relationship has a parade of red flags. Get out now before it gets worse… and it will get worse.
Whata broken inside you that you find his behavior acceptable to put up with?
NTA. Your boyfriend is insecure and controlling. My advice is to run.
NTA. That’s controlling behavior. Friends hug friends. I would worry that my hubby wasn’t feeling well if he didn’t hug certain female friends. Same for him about me and certain guy friends. There have been times for us both when someone has gotten “too huggy”, but we respectively nip it in the bud immediately and let each other know. Been married almost 20 years and has been that way since Day 1.
Nta. You should be saying Ex. This is ridiculous. No one should tell you who you can speak to and how to say hi to people. This is a him issues he needs to work on before he gets in a relationship. RUN
NTA. Your bf behavior is manipulative. This will only get worse. Please break off this relationship.
You’re NTA for not saying “no” to a hug from a co-worker butt…you really don’t sound happy with the situation your BF has put you in. He is setting NEW boundaries for your already established behavior at work based on his insecurities.
Your relationship with your BF is changing the way you relate to other people. He will only become stricter with you, and that’s a real asshole move. (Edited for grammar)
NTA. He’s being controlling so you’re better off leaving him now because it’ll only get worse. This is just the beginning.
NTA I’m not a huggy sort of person at all, but I would never rebuff someone who was more comfortable with them. We know the difference between a friendly hug and some pervey bloke feeling you up. Your boyfriend is ridiculous
NTA & you need to LEAVE . Leave like yesterday . That’s not normal , he doesn’t have a right to ask that of you. Do you not wonder why he’s almost 35 and not with someone closer in age? Women his age are not going to tolerate him . He’s controlling & insecure .
NTA, please look into couples therapy/counseling before even consider becoming more serious or moving in with him.
NTA you’d only be an asshole if you didnt breakup with him
NTA. You’re being friendly at work, not crossing any lines. It’s your boyfriend who’s turning normal interactions into something they’re not, then using it to make you feel guilty or “inconsistent” for asking for love and respect. That’s not okay.
You’ve bent over backwards to meet him where he’s at, but he’s trying to control you.. If you’re constantly second-guessing yourself and feeling small, that’s not love.
You deserve trust, not control.
This ISNT A BOUNDARY. A boundary controls your own actions (eg I can’t be with someone who hugs people because I am a crazy person) NOT you can’t hug people. If it is about your actions not his then it is control. Very different. NTA.
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Sweetie, this man is a control freak. Eventually everything that you do will be unacceptable to him and you will only be permitted to do the kind of things he likes.
Ultimately it is your choice whether to continue the relationship but I think you need to keep an open mind on his behaviour and how it affects you.
Run
OP please look at your own post history. It’s been three years let him go.
NTA but you need to get out of this relationship. It doesn’t get better from this. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
To hug or not to hug… is the question..
Boundaries apply to what someone expects TOWARDS THEM and is a ‘EVERYTHING BUT this is acceptable’. Demands you make of OTHERS and are in the style of ‘ONLY this is acceptable’.
NTA, he’s brushing you off because you dared to ask for something and he was looking for something to hold against you. Unless you have actually been unfaithful or he has trauma because someone did, there really isn’t an excuse for his demand. That aside, some people aren’t naturally affectionate no matter with whom, if you need this in a relationship, he’s already not a good fit.
NTA but your boyfriend is a red flag tbh. I don’t care if it’s him being insecure, manipulative or caring. You decide who you hug and who you fist bump
But back to the topic – I personally don’t hug or shake hands with men I am not close with (family and close friends only) so before someone initiates a hug I always bring my right hand to my chest and greet them that way (I think Muslim girls will get what I mean) or if someone still tries to hug me I apologise and say I don’t do hugs in a very polite manner. It is a little awkward but I honestly don’t care for a half a second of awkwardness
NTA. Your bf is the asshole here. His restrictions are completely unreasonable and controlling.
Wow.. you NTA. He is!
But his manipulation and control tactics are definitely working if it is making you so insecure and self-conscious that you are posting this question here!
Get out!!