My mom got married to George 7 months ago. They were dating for 2 years before that and I (16m) knew him and his kids (7f and 9m) like a year before the actual wedding. So now I’ve known them for almost two years. But to me they’re just my mom’s husband and kids and I don’t care about them or feel like I need or want them in my life. I’m not saying I hate them or anything idk how I’d describe it.
So because of that I don’t see myself as a big brother or the kids as my little siblings. I don’t spend time with them unless mom asks me to babysit and I don’t always want to babysit when asked either which has been about 5 times since they got married and twice before they were married.
I have babysat for other family before. I have offered to babysit cousins and stuff. I have two really little cousins on my dad’s side of the family and I babysit them pretty often and I love spending time with them and being close to them despite the age gap.
Mom knows I babysit for other family and I never mind doing it. She knows I offer to do it for them which is important to the post. So a couple of weeks ago she asked me why I never offer to babysit her husband’s kids like I do for cousins and why I always act like I’d rather get out of it. She said I don’t hate kids or babysitting so why. I told her because I see babysitting her husband’s kids as a chore. I like babysitting for my cousins and that led to me telling her that I don’t see her husband or his kids as my family because she asked me why babysitting them was a chore.
She never asked me how I felt about them before so she was caught off guard. But I didn’t see a way of explaining without saying exactly why. She said she was trying to understand but she felt disappointed in me at the same time because she waited three years after dad died to date and her husband and kids really care about me so it would upset them to know it wasn’t returned. And then she asked for time and we haven’t talked about it since. But I know she’s still going over it in her head.
AITA?
Comments
They aren’t your family.
I think 16yo now are smarter than 16yos when I was 16yo, kudos.
NTA
Parents need to understand that just because they found love again does not mean that their children are going to be 100% on board with new family members – especially for teenagers.
NTA. Your mother chose them as her new partner and family. You didn’t have any say in that decision, and you did not choose them. You haven’t fallen in love with them the way she did, and she needs to respect the fact that you don’t feel the same way she does. She can’t force you to love them like family if you don’t.
NTA
Nta she dated someone and then proceeded to marry them without discussing with her son how he felt about them, that’s on her not you!
A bit a cold but it’s up to you. Shalom you’re loved đź’”
Find out what the going rate is for babysitting that many kids in your area. And charge those rates, in cash. IF you want to babysit at all.
NTA
There’s Not even a guarantee you’ll love or like all your blood family members.
NTA
Your mother is being manipulative. Her disappointment over your feelings is HER problem. She decided to wait until she was ready to date and remarry. She didn’t ask if you were ready. And even if you were 100% ready for her to remarry, there was never a guarantee you’d view her husband and hia children as your family. The best she could ask is for you to be respectful and kind, which is aounds like you are.
She needs to deal witb her feelings and the possibility that they would be upset, on her own. You’re doing nothing wrong. Its very telling that she never asked you these questions before. Makes it pretty obvious your feelings never came into play.
If she never asked you, I’m guessing she never actually asked them either. She is probably still assuming.
nta for not considering them family. You might in the future, who knows. But it can take more than a few years.
I notice a pattern that a lot of failed blended families have one thing in common – divorced parents usually tend to get lost in their newfound love, forgetting about their previous family, and then expect that everyone will love each other and have great bonds with each other, just because they and their new spouse are. They often forget that feelings (especially kids’ feelings) are far more complex than their “honeymoon phase” and often realize that nothing actually is blended like it’s supposed to, far too late.
And here we have another example of that. Your mom was so caught in her newfound love, that she literally forgot to see how you feel about everything.
>she waited three years after dad died to date
What a nice emotional manipulation. Almost as if she was trying to say, “I never loved your dad, I just waited for what seemed to be an appropriate time so that you wouldn’t be angry at me, you should be thankful, because I was doing you a favour.”
>kids really care about me so it would upset them to know it wasn’t returned
But, are they, tho? She knows this, how? I mean, after a year, she didn’t realize that you did not have any bond with them, so is she delusional again? Or did she concentrate on her new kids, completely neglecting you, feeding them hopes of how their new older brother loves them? Because either way, both of those are another examples of emotional manipulation from her side.
>we haven’t talked about it since.Â
This usually foreshadows a big storm. I have bad feelings about it. Don’t be surprised when her attitude towards you suddenly changes. God, I hope I am wrong.
What about your dad and his family? Or any extended family? Perhaps you can spend some time with them?
Anyway, NTA.
While your mom was surprised by your response, she should respect the fact that you were polite and reasonable in your answer. You weren’t hostile or nasty. I think you did very good. NTA
Why are babysitting your mother’s husband’s kids a chore compared to others? Do you feel your mom neglected you in some way? You indicate, in your last paragraph, that her husband and kids really care about you. What has been bothering you and is unresolved?
NTA
The truth is the truth. You’re probably still grieving your dad and your mum ha pretty mum made herself unavailable to you as her attention is now split by 4. They are strangers at the end of the day. You can create feelings that don’t exist.