for some background knowledge, i got my first job when i was 16. ever since i started working and bringing in my own income, my mom has been leeching off of me for money, and im basically a second source of income. every time i get paid, she pocket watches me or starts immediately asking for money at any chance she gets. my mom has a full time job, 40 hours a week, 80 hours a check type ordeal, and she makes significantly more money than i do. the problem is that her priorities are never focused on what’s important when she gets paid. she either goes out and buys cigarettes, or she goes to the casino and gambles all if not most of her money away. it’s very frustrating especially because she knows we need to eat and that we’re barely getting by as it is, and yet she still goes to the casino. i’m 18 now, and the situation still applies
now that thats taken care of..
today she asked me to send her $20-$35 so she can do a walmart order and put food in the house. she had a little money for it but just needed me to cover the rest, and i told her i couldn’t send it. i’ve been working 2 jobs, so ive had a little extra money for myself lately, but ive gotten so sick and tired of her asking for money and being the second source of income to the point where whenever she asks for money, i tell her no. she then told me that it was okay and that she’d figure something out. a few hours later, she more or less was like “wait so you got paid $800 yesterday but you can’t send me money to feed your family?,” something along those lines. mind you in the text, she said …”and you most certainly don’t have to,” so then why are you texting me lol?? anyway but yeah, i just wanna know if i’m in the wrong for not wanting to send it to her. i feel like if she got her shit together and prioritized her money better then she wouldn’t need to be asking me or anyone else she knows for money. aita?
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for some background knowledge, i got my first job when i was 16. ever since i started working and bringing in my own income, my mom has been leeching off of me for money, and im basically a second source of income. every time i get paid, she pocket watches me or starts immediately asking for money at any chance she gets. my mom has a full time job, 40 hours a week, 80 hours a check type ordeal, and she makes significantly more money than i do. the problem is that her priorities are never focused on what’s important when she gets paid. she either goes out and buys cigarettes, or she goes to the casino and gambles all if not most of her money away. it’s very frustrating especially because she knows we need to eat and that we’re barely getting by as it is, and yet she still goes to the casino. i’m 18 now, and the situation still applies
now that thats taken care of..
today she asked me to send her $20-$35 so she can do a walmart order and put food in the house. she had a little money for it but just needed me to cover the rest, and i told her i couldn’t send it. i’ve been working 2 jobs, so ive had a little extra money for myself lately, but ive gotten so sick and tired of her asking for money and being the second source of income to the point where whenever she asks for money, i tell her no. she then told me that it was okay and that she’d figure something out. a few hours later, she more or less was like “wait so you got paid $800 yesterday but you can’t send me money to feed your family?,” something along those lines. mind you in the text, she said …”and you most certainly don’t have to,” so then why are you texting me lol?? anyway but yeah, i just wanna know if i’m in the wrong for not wanting to send it to her. i feel like if she got her shit together and prioritized her money better then she wouldn’t need to be asking me or anyone else she knows for money. aita?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t want to send her the money because i’m sick and tired of her treating me like a second source of income or like her personal ATM. I feel like the asshole just because part of me feels guilty for saying no.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO: Do you still live at home? Do you have siblings or others that live with your mom?
NTA. Never give family money.
NTA you don’t owe her any money. Ask her to get her life together, you’re too young to be supporting her and also remind her that she make way more and point out her bad habits to her and ask her to manage her money better
NTA. It’s your money, not hers. You need to be putting your earnings toward a future for yourself, not spending them enabling her to fund her smoking and gambling habits.
If the lack of food in the house is causing severe problems that you feel you should step in to solve, then I suggest buying the food yourself, not entrusting your mom with money. She’s shown that she can’t be trusted with it.
I mean if she texted you that it’s okay and you don’t have to do it and is now guilt tripping you, then it’s more her fault then yours. I’d advise maybe talking with your mom about her spending but you’re definitely not the asshole.
NTA. I would never do that to my sons. Nor did I and I was a single Mom so that is no excuse.
NTA. It would be great if you could get her to agree to put a certain percentage of her paycheck into necessities before she squanders the rest. If she is asking you for help paying for things, you have the right to have that conversation with her.
NTA. She needs to be more responsible with her own money.
NTA bro she’s got a ft job but chooses gambles all that away that’s on her. u saying no isn’t outta pocket. working 2 jobs at 18 doesn’t mean ur her backup wallet. guilt tripping u after saying “you don’t have to” is wack, but it wouldn’t hurt to pitch in a bit for your own well being.
NTA she’s need to prioritise her money and not go out to the casino
NTA. “you can’t send me money to feed your family?,” That is literally and legally her job. That’s the bare minimum a parent is required to provide – food, clothing, and shelter.
You are never the A H for refusing to fund an addicts addiction. Mom or not, she’s just using you.
Never give any kind of an addict money. If you have siblings who need food, get some frozen lasagna and vegetables and make that for them. Text your mom some links to Gamblers Anonymous and say “When you stop gambling there will be plenty of money for food.”
NTA-the parent/child dynamic needs to be reset, she is pushing her responsibilities on you-stop it now or this precedent will bare it head in all future relationships
Do you live with her? If so, are you buying your own food and things? And is moving out an option?
NTA
Your mum’s financial carelesness is not your responsibility.
If you live at home, then you could be expected to put money in to help pay for food and utilities and/or rent, but it should be a set amount per week, not just a random request for money.
NTA. Never give her money. You know and she knows that if you give her money, it will be gambled away.
In the short term, if she says she needs money for food, don’t provide money, provide food. Not only will it do the most good, but it provides less incentive for her to try to get gambling money from you.
In the long term, if this is a persistent problem, consider calling in Child Protective Services about her failure to feed her family. Keep your food receipts It’s tough living with an addict..
Very sad to see that your mother is using you. She needs you. Not in a good way. She’s acting like the teenager here and you the adult. It should be you asking her for money to go to the mall or movies with your friends. Instead you’re working 2 jobs…that’s messed up! You’re young to be dealing with this. If you talk to her heart to heart will she listen or will it blow up. Do you have a space that is safe to go to? Please move your money to different accounts and lock your credit cards through the app when you’re asleep. So you don’t wake up to outrageous spending surprises. At this rate you might as well rent a room at a friend’s house …
NTA. Good for you for standing up for yourself and setting a boundary. Don’t give up!
NTA
You don’t have a spouse or child so you don’t have a family you are responsible for feeding.
NTA. Who else lives in the house? Your mom is the one responsible for feeding herself. You’re an adult so while it’s reasonable for her to expect you to support yourself, it is not reasonable for her to expect you to support siblings or her spouse.
Since you’re an adult, though, it is reasonable for her to now want you to pitch in in some way. So you need to think about that: how much are you willing to pitch in? Do you want to pay rent? Do you want to only buy your own food? etc.
She feels entitled to your money and she is not ever going to stop, until you move out or establish a boundary.
NTA. It’s a habit. You need to cut her off.
NTA, that’s her family to feed, including you. She should not be asking you for money.
Take away any access she has to see your financial information, how much you make ,etc. Now that you are an adult.
How old are you now and do you live with her still?
Yes.
NTA
I have some concerns about how she knows when and how much you get paid. Definitely remove her access to your funds in every way immediately. If you don’t, then what is stopping her from just draining your account?
In the meantime, I suggest you just buy groceries, maybe even go to a food bank if you have to, to keep yourself and your brother fed. It doesn’t have to be fancy, but tell your mother that is your contribution to the household. You and your brother, asauming he’s old enough, should knoq how to make simple meals (using the microwave if you have to), and how to do basic things like laundry and picking up/ cleaning up after yourselves. The more independent you both are, as early as possible, the easier it will be to leave and not depend on her for anything.
Here’s the thing about addicts. They’ll never change until they see something wrong in their behavior. You can’t see it for them, nor can you make them change. Sometimes, that means hitting rock bottom. Sometimes, that means losing those you love from your life. Either way, she has to get there on her own.
I wish you and your brother the best of luck, and I’m sorry you have to go through this.
If she makes significantly more money than you and doesn’t have significantly more essential expenses (eg a bunch of kids still at home or whatever) then NTA.
Start asking her for money, before she gets a chance to ask you!