I’m a bridesmaid in a family members wedding. Her maid and matron of honor are 2 of her friends. All in all, it’s a 6 person bridal party.
I adore the bride, we are very close. However her maid/matron of honor I’m not a fan of. They are very dramatic and very demanding.
Now I know everyone does things differently, but I was surprised when they said that they would be sending us other bridesmaids how much we owe them after the shower. No heads up, no breakdown, just a here is what you owe us. I have never been asked to split costs for the bridal shower as a bridesmaid. But there is more to it…
The mother of the bride paid for the venue and food. venue included tables/chairs/etc
I purchased the dessert, table linens, florals, and cutlery.
I had some negative interactions with the maid/matron of honor prior to the shower. The bride specifically asked me to help with the shower along with mother of the bride and maid/matron of honor. They were weird about me being involved even though the mother was the lead and she was very warm and welcoming and understood that I do this professionally and was open to including me. They however were not kind, and I just shrugged it off because come on, it’s a bridal shower, relax.
Now, with my contributions, it wasn’t inexpensive but I did it because I was asked to get these things and I love the bride.
Fast forward to today- and I get a payment request in an app from the maid/matron of honor asking for my portion of the shower. I was taken back….
It’s not the dollar amount that seems odd, but I bought a significant amount of items for the shower and was involved with the planning process. The amount they are asking me for is about 1/10 of what I spent on the shower.
Since we still have to survive the wedding weekend together, I want to be civil. But truthfully I can’t wait to get away from these girls lol however I have no intention of sending them money considering how much I already contributed to the shower. But they already have stated that they dislike me so i feel like no matter what i do, they will have a dramatic response.
AITA for not sending them money?
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I’m a bridesmaid in a family members wedding. Her maid and matron of honor are 2 of her friends. All in all, it’s a 6 person bridal party.
I adore the bride, we are very close. However her maid/matron of honor I’m not a fan of. They are very dramatic and very demanding.
Now I know everyone does things differently, but I was surprised when they said that they would be sending us other bridesmaids how much we owe them after the shower. No heads up, no breakdown, just a here is what you owe us. I have never been asked to split costs for the bridal shower as a bridesmaid. But there is more to it…
The mother of the bride paid for the venue and food. venue included tables/chairs/etc
I purchased the dessert, table linens, florals, and cutlery.
I had some negative interactions with the maid/matron of honor prior to the shower. The bride specifically asked me to help with the shower along with mother of the bride and maid/matron of honor. They were weird about me being involved even though the mother was the lead and she was very warm and welcoming and understood that I do this professionally and was open to including me. They however were not kind, and I just shrugged it off because come on, it’s a bridal shower, relax.
Now, with my contributions, it wasn’t inexpensive but I did it because I was asked to get these things and I love the bride.
Fast forward to today- and I get a payment request in an app from the maid/matron of honor asking for my portion of the shower. I was taken back….
It’s not the dollar amount that seems odd, but I bought a significant amount of items for the shower and was involved with the planning process. The amount they are asking me for is about 1/10 of what I spent on the shower.
Since we still have to survive the wedding weekend together, I want to be civil. But truthfully I can’t wait to get away from these girls lol however I have no intention of sending them money considering how much I already contributed to the shower. But they already have stated that they dislike me so i feel like no matter what i do, they will have a dramatic response.
AITA for not sending them money?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Refused to send payment
2. It’s for a bridal shower celebration
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Send the MOH a request for 1/6th of what you spent on the shower.
NTA. There’s an easy way to deal with it, though. Say you didn’t realize the plan was to pool expenses and split them, so here are the amounts that you spent so that she can add them to the total for splitting (and account for what you’ve spent in the calculations for who owes what).
Framing is: of course she’s just doing this because she didn’t realize you already paid for stuff, so you’re being helpful by providing the information.
Seems you and the mother paid for most of it. What is this actually for? I would ask!
Sent a message that since you’re splitting the costs that the amount you spent on it is x. And tell them to let you know what the new amount is that you owe them, and that you just detract your costs of that amount and sent them what is owed after that.
NTA, costs should be decided beforehand not afterwards
Nope, NTA. The proper etiquette would have been to inform the bridal party (or anyone who would be involved in financing it) of the budget plan before spending or committing to spending anything. Each contributor can then set a limit, or make a counteroffer of in-kind services, etc. When they know the budget, and it has been agreed to, only then is it OK to send the payment request. I’d just respond to her saying “I’ve already spent the amount I’m comfortable to contribute by providing dessert, etc.”
Do you have a group chat for the wedding party? I’d text and say ‘MOH, I got your invoice for $50. I’m sure it slipped your mind, but I contributed flowers, x, y, z, to the shower, a total of $500, already. Just wanted to remind you! Have a great day, ladies. Looking forward to the Bach!’
> The amount they are asking me for is about 1/10 of what I spent on the shower.
NTA – Send them a breakdown of what they owe you and ask how they want to deal with it. They don’t like you anyway…
Definitely NTA. It sounds like you are being civil in the face of a wedding with people who don’t like you. What’s the worst that will happen if you don’t pay?
No you are not TAH. You should respond that you spent considerably more than that on the shower already. You hadn’t realized that the expenses were going to be split, but since that is the case, you will need to be reimbursed $X. Venmo will be fine.
NTA. You shouldn’t have to spend several months salary on helping a friend get married.
Tell them you have too many expenses right now, and after spending what you’ve already spent thus far, you don’t have it in your budget for unexpected incidentals that you were not expecting. Emphasize that you appreciate them for understanding.
Just dropping in to say this similar situation happened to me before, I offered less than was requested, and the drama/tension continued all the way through the wedding, and never heard from the bride again. I have no advice but hopefully you can figure out a better way to navigate this. Good luck ✨
NTA. You already made a significant contribution to the shower. That is enough. Paying the money won’t make them like you anymore. Cut your losses. Sorry you are in this situation!
NTA… DO NOT GIVE INTO THESE BULLIES! Do not give them any money.
I would provide them with a detailed list of everything you paid for with the cost. Then, ask if they would like to contribute. I would also mention it to the bride. You don’t want her only hearing their complaints. You can show her the same list.
You will never see these people again…so don’t give in.
Nta, stand your ground. Weddings are rough and give everyone their own complex. If it wasn’t discussed, agreed upon she dropped a ball and your non payment is the consequence. If the bride asks (she won’t) but if she does, say you didn’t understand it to be split and invested your money in other ways. Sorry you’re dealing with this. People can suck.
“Didn’t know we were adding up costs and splitting them, but worries. I owe x without my expenses considered but I spent 10x so far. Just add that into everyone’s expenses and let me know when you’ll be paying me the 9x.”
I would definitely say something and who cares if they like you, after the wedding you will never have to see them again
Absolutely NTA! Why do people become such jerks when it comes to a wedding? You contributed more than you really needed to, and these two women have no manners for asking when it wasn’t discussed up front with all the bridesmaids.
NTA
I would do 2 things:
NTA. If there wasn’t an agreement previously BEFORE the shower, you owe them nothing.
The stuff you got for the shower wasn’t a gift to the bride, it was your contribution to the shower. If they want to split costs evenly then you and the MoB need to send them requests for their part of your/her contributions. They’ll backpedal real quick if the tables are turned because you both spent way more money than they did.
Send them an invoice.
NTA
But i’d remind them I spent a lot on other things. “Oh, you must have forgotten I bought all the X, Y, and Z for the shower. That was my contribution. Unless you wanted to pay a part of that cost? Oh, were you trying to send me money? I completely misunderstood.”
Cue red face and/or drama. 😈
NTA. I’d send THEM a payment request of how much they owe YOU. (But maybe don’t actually do that if you’re trying to remain civil)
NTA. Send a message back, maybe in a text thread with the mother and bride, asking if the portion you spent (list it) was included in her total, and if she was asking for money on top of what was already spent. Offer to send her an itemized listing of what you spent and on what, and ask to see hers as well so everyone including mother who spent money on venue and food, so that expenses are equally divided.
If she kicks up a fuss, is it really worth being in the wedding? Talk to the bride and let her know you don’t want things to be awkward, but you aren’t sure what to do with her obvious problem with you. See what she says.