I (18f)have two friends (both 18f) I’ve been friends with friend A for 7 years, friend B for about 10 months. Recently I’ve been not going to hang outs with the 3 of us because I feel left out. Whenever we hang out I’m always walking behind them or anytime they want to do something it’s the one thing I don’t want to do. Well today friend A invited me to hang out with her and B at a carnival and I said no. While I could have just said cause of the migraine I said “Well i probably won’t ride the rides and I’ll just kind of awkwardly be there and I know you mentioned spending the night but i probably won’t do that either” here’s the thing every time we have sleepovers the two of them cuddle like a couple and I’m just in the bed. Like legs wrapped face to face or face in the others chest while I’m just in the bed. I’ve expressed that this makes me uncomfortable but I got told that “they are just touchy people and they can’t just turn that off” and while I get that I would just rather not put myself there in the first place anymore. Well because she said that they can’t do anything about cuddling I got mad and responded it’s fine if they hang out cause it’s not like I’m gonna have a sleepover with the three of us again (I know it’s stupid to say and I was mad) but I feel like I’m crazy. The thing is friend B was in a group of 3 before she met up and you wanna know why they spilt? Because there was a duo in that trio the duo being friend B and another girl. I feel like I’m going crazy and I just need advice on how to handle it. I’m supposed to be sharing a dorm room with friend A in the fall and I don’t want to mess it up because I’m an A-hole.
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I (18f)have two friends (both 18f) I’ve been friends with friend A for 7 years, friend B for about 10 months. Recently I’ve been not going to hang outs with the 3 of us because I feel left out. Whenever we hang out I’m always walking behind them or anytime they want to do something it’s the one thing I don’t want to do. Well today friend A invited me to hang out with her and B at a carnival and I said no. While I could have just said cause of the migraine I said “Well i probably won’t ride the rides and I’ll just kind of awkwardly be there and I know you mentioned spending the night but i probably won’t do that either” here’s the thing every time we have sleepovers the two of them cuddle like a couple and I’m just in the bed. Like legs wrapped face to face or face in the others chest while I’m just in the bed. I’ve expressed that this makes me uncomfortable but I got told that “they are just touchy people and they can’t just turn that off” and while I get that I would just rather not put myself there in the first place anymore. Well because she said that they can’t do anything about cuddling I got mad and responded it’s fine if they hang out cause it’s not like I’m gonna have a sleepover with the three of us again (I know it’s stupid to say and I was mad) but I feel like I’m crazy. The thing is friend B was in a group of 3 before she met up and you wanna know why they spilt? Because there was a duo in that trio the duo being friend B and another girl. I feel like I’m going crazy and I just need advice on how to handle it. I’m supposed to be sharing a dorm room with friend A in the fall and I don’t want to mess it up because I’m an A-hole.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my friend that they make me uncomfortable so I don’t want to have asleep over with them
(2) I kind of blew up at her in a text message on how I feel left out and so I feel like I’m in the wrong for not seeing the clear picture
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA but exhausting if any of you study minute details like this.
Yta. Are you constantly such a debbie downer not wanting to do anything?
NTA, although you could have phrased it better. I think if you explain that you feel like you’re third-wheeling and disinclined, that would be the more mature and healthy solution.
Eh no. But if I were you, id do something about it. They definitely in the wrong by leaving you out. But the way you describe it, it’s almost like they have more than just friendship connection with the cuddling and stuff. I know that’s also something girls do to eachother but still. I would talk to them kinda just recognizing how you feel left out. If they don’t make a change or recognize what they’re doing, they probably aren’t good friends for you. This is coming from someone who’s been in basically the same situation as you multiple times. It’s very sad and sucks a lot. If your very shy to have that type of talk. You can always just try to be more open and fun to them. If they distance themselves away from you again, then yeah you talk to them about how you feel. Again. I wanna say you’re not in the wrong here. Yeah you can be better, but they are being very shitty friends and everyone can kinda be better.
Maybe theres a way for you to continue to cultivate your longterm friendship with Friend A, like doing things you guys always used to do together just the two of you, or idk, having planning dates for college where you go to target together and pick out dorm decorations. And meanwhile you can retain more of a distanced friendship with Friend B, who it seems won’t be in your life as much pretty soon, and is less important to you.
I still encourage you to still participate in group hangouts and be as open as you can to connection, because there’s no harm in practicing getting along with people who rub you the wrong way.
And also maybe you can talk to Friend A and tell her you’re feeling a little left out, and get some affirmation from her that the relationship you two have is important.
Try to be as mature as you can about this — it’s a shitty situation for sure, I’ve been there. I wish I’d been more open to connection in other ways during those times. I hope you also have other people in your life you can devote some time to, even if it’s just acquaintances that you haven’t gotten to know well enough yet to call friends!
The thing you MUSTN’T do is recede into yourself and stew in resentment, hoping they’ll realize their mistakes and feel bad. That is like poisoning yourself and waiting for the other person to die— you’re the one who will suffer most and it will be your own doing. Show up to this group of friends in a way that would make you feel proud of yourself. Be the kind of friend they would regret losing. Kill em with kindness, as they say. You’re the one who has to look back on your actions one day and either feel proud or regretful of how you behaved.