I have 4 kids, one(F16, Nora) still lives with me.
One of my sons(38M, Jeremy) recently went completely broke (I won’t get into details but it wasn’t his fault and just a series of bad luck). He asked to move in with me and I agreed.
The problem is that he doesn’t get along with Nora. I allowed Nora to take my old car when she got her license. Now Jeremy wants to use the car because he “needs it more than a teenager” and Nora will not allow it.
Another problem is food. Both my wife and I are vegan and we don’t buy anything non vegan though our kids are allowed to buy anything they want with their own money.
Nora is not vegan and she buys and cooks her own meals. My DIL who is pregnant is upset that Nora refuses to share and eats her cravings in front of her. She has asked us to buy non vegan food as well which morally, I can not do.
Another problem is the room arrangements. My wife and I are on The first floor and everyone else is on the second floor. Nora has a habit of playing violin whenever she wants. It was never a problem for us. Now they have a problem with it and think Nora needs to get used to not playing as much because once the baby arrives (which is very soon), they are worried the baby won’t be able to sleep.
The last problem is that Nora refuses to let them use her bathroom. There are 2 bathrooms upstairs and one has always been Nora’s and the other one can be used by anyone. They think their son(My grandson, Peter 17) should share Nora’s bathroom.
They have been fighting non stop and I’m tired of it. They told me to solve the problem (and by solving they meant, force Nora to do what they want) and I told them if they bother me again I will solve the problem by kicking them out. I have a responsibility to my minor child but I don’t have a responsibility to them.
Now they think I’m an asshole.
Comments
NTA. Your adult son moved back in, he doesn’t get to roll in and start calling shots over your teenager. Nora’s car, Nora’s food, Nora’s bathroom, Nora’s violin. She lives there full time, they’re the guests. You’re right your actual job is to parent your minor kid, not babysit grown adults who think “solving the problem” means bullying a 16 year old.
You’re not an asshole here. Nora is a minor and has her own established routines and boundaries in the home. Jeremy is an adult who needs to adapt to the household he’s moving into, not the other way around. You’re absolutely right that your responsibility is to your child first.
Jeremy sounds like a problem. You give him an inch and he wants a mile. He moved in with you, now he wants your car, he wants his sister to buy him (and his wife) food and give up her space.
He is such a greedy AH. I understand that you let him move in because he is your son, but he’s a horrible person.
NTA. Nora sounds like a great, responsible kid. You should be proud of her. Your son and SIL seem to think the world revolves around them and their children. I think you’re doing the right thing standing by your minor daughter.
I’m sorry but u should make noise when the baby sleeps tho, I hoover, play music it’s good to get them used to noise
How many people moved in? Your son, his wife, their son, a baby on the way? Yes, you can help your son our TEMPORARILY, but Nora is still a minor child living in the family home. Your son doesn’t get to ask for help and then demand everything suit him.
Not the asshole in relation to your son.
Definitely the asshole in relation to your daughter. Forcing a minor to buy her own food because you’re a vegan is abusive.
NTA. Your grown son moved in, that makes him the guest. Nora’s car, Nora’s food, Nora’s bathroom, Nora’s violin. They don’t get to show up and start bossing around a 16 year old in her own home. You’re right to back your kid.
NTA and good on you for not letting them dictate to you. You say it’s not your son’s fault bit are you sure about that? He’s acting bizarrely entitled to… well, everything. Have he and his wife always been like this? You don’t gotta answer, it’s irrelevant, just me being nebby.
NTA your oldest son and his wife, can’t expect everyone to change their whole lives for them.
Your son & his wife can share their bathroom, with their son.
Your daughter Nora shouldn’t have to share her food, that she bought for herself, unless she wants to. She can be respectful of nap time for the kiddo though.
Your son & his wife can hit up the food bank for food if they are struggling financially.
Car thing is a completely different issue. They need to share.
YTA for letting it get to this point. Why are you allowing these adukts to bulky a minor in her own home?
Hmm from your description the ‘series of bad luck’ sounds like all down to Jeremy if his behaviour in the workplace is anything like his behaviour as a guest in your home.
Stop him bullying your daughter, give him advice on acting like a grateful and kind son and brother and hope he’s out of your house soon. He and his wife sound hard work and unpleasant. Perhaps the dial family can have a turn at looking after this ungrateful pair.
NTA good on you for taking care of Nora. She’s your responsibility and he is grown and you’re being nice.
Honestly, it sounds like your son and his family are being really entitled. Expecting you to override your daughter’s rights to her own car, bathroom, and even her food is way out of line. They’re guests in your home, and if they can’t respect the rules, then moving out is the right answer.
Honestly I feel like there might be more going on, usually there is a reason siblings do not get along at all.
Now I wonder – is your son really that entitled, or is your daughter spoiled. Really depends on how each side approaches it. Is your son demanding everything – or is your daughter refusing to adapt in the slightest.
That aside …. why do you refuse to buy food according to your minor’s diet?! That’s not normal nor how any parent should act. Just because you are vegan doesn’t mean you should force your minor daughter to buy her own food.
NTAH. Your adult son and his family moved into your house. They are temporary guests. Your minor daughter actually lives there and should not have to give up her things or her routine to accommodate them. You did the right thing by protecting your minor child. Most of the time in posts like this you see the parents making the younger child give up their things for the older one. I’m so glad to see that you didn’t do this to your daughter. If your son and his family don’t like the rules they need to move out.
NTA- If he doesn’t like it he knows where the door is. He sounds incredibly selfish and entitled. I suggest you sit down with your son and his wife, without your minor child, and set out the boundaries. No, Nora will not give up her car, violin playing or bathroom. Give them a time limit on how long they can stay. This is Nora’s home and they are guests…… I don’t care how they went broke, if they can’t afford their own house at this time they can not move into someone else’s space and start making demands. Do they even like Nora? Sounds like some green eyed monster….. as for the food DIL can get her own damn food for her own damn cravings and if they can’t afford it too damn bad. They should not be making demands on a child. Your son and his wife suck- maybe they could live with her parents.
So wait.
WAIT.
Nora is still a teenager so is supposed to live with her parents.
Son is waaaay older than her, brings not just himself but also a wife, a son and soon a little baby.
This is not fair on Nora that they then start to push themselves in and start making all kinds of demands. The car was for her. Son should not be demanding that.
The food thing is even weirder. She can sit outside or in her room to eat if she doesn’t like that. Even worse that she wants your TEENAGER daughter to pay for her food. That is just loser behavior.
The only thing I agree with is the violin thing, but you really need to protect your daughter’s normal childhood from those pushy, demanding idiots.
> told them if they bother me again I will solve the problem by kicking them out. I have a responsibility to my minor child but I don’t have a responsibility to them.
Yes, kick them out. They are unreasonable. I feel sorry for Nora for her childhood being disrupted in this way. Once you kick them out, don’t let them back in.
NTA
Sounds like it’s time for your son to go live with his pregnant wife’s parents.
Maybe you need to show entitled son snd DIL this thread
NTA, that’s the right path imo
NTA Your son and his wife are getting a free place to live, they can buy their own food. Also, I’d be worried about how long they plan to live with you if they’re making plans for after the baby comes. Is your son working? Is his wife? They should be figuring out how to save up for their own place, not making demands as if they plan to live with you permanently.
100%
DIL must be pretty entitled if she thinks Nora should buy and cook her food. What a wench. If Jeremy managed his money better, he would have a car and wouldn’t be trying to steal his teenage sister‘s car. Remind Jeremy and your daughter-in-law how lucky they are to be allowed to stay with you rent free.
Maybe change the Wi-Fi password so they’re motivated to get going.
NTA. They moved into your home, into Nora’s home. And they’re being obnoxious, rude and entitled.
They should absolutely be buying their own food. Expecting a 16yo yo provide food and cook for grown adults is entitled beyond words.
I think asking not to play violin late at night, especially when there is a baby in the house, is not unreasonable. But being nice to Nora, and being kind guests in general would go a long way towards her agreeing vs rudely demanding it. With their behavior, they don’t deserve her kindness.
NTA the problem is your entitled son and daughter in law, not Nora. The only thing I would talk to Nora about is agreeing to quiet hours for the violin over night if she plays between 10pm and 8am.
NTA your response to your son’s and his wife’s demands (with a possible minor exception on the midnight violin practice) was spot on. Your son is an entitled asshole to demand the mentioned things from Nora.