I’m 19 and I have a twin sister. We’ve always gotten along about as well as siblings do. We’d fight, make up, sometimes need our parents to step in, but we were close growing up.
The last few years though, she’s gotten into serious trouble. When we were 16, she started sneaking out with a 20-year-old guy and his friends. Even though I had nothing to do with it, I got in trouble too. That happened more than once. Every time she did something wrong, I somehow got pulled into it and ended up punished. Eventually I told her to stop telling me what she was doing because I didn’t want to be involved anymore.
Around Christmas that year, one of her friends called my mom and said my sister had been drinking every night and was really depressed. Not long after that, my parents found out she’d slept with a bunch of people. Things blew up at home after that and it felt like we were always dealing with some kind of crisis.
To be fair, nothing major has happened in the last six months. She seems more stable, but now my mom takes her side in everything. No matter what, I’m always the one told I’m doing something wrong.
Things got worse after she broke up with her long-term boyfriend. I’ll call him Jay. She spiraled after that. We found out later he’d been abusive, so I get why she was struggling, but she also started lashing out at me a lot more. When they were together, I was always respectful of her time. She’d stay over at his house for days and I never said anything about it. I understood she loved him and wanted to be with him.
Right before they broke up, I started dating my current boyfriend. At first, she was fine with it. But once she was single, she started yelling at me for spending time with him. She tells me I’m selfish and that I never want to be around her anymore.
I see my boyfriend about twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I know I’ve spent less time with her, but I also feel like she’s made it unbearable to be around her. She’s always sad or angry and she takes everything out on me. She acts like I’m her only friend in the world and I just don’t want that role. I know if she had a boyfriend right now, this wouldn’t even be an issue.
She also has a habit of getting involved in big friend groups and then somehow they fall apart. She’ll get close with people and then drama starts and things explode. Even my mom has admitted this happens. So it’s not just me who feels like she can be toxic and emotionally draining.
Despite all of this, both my mom and my sister are saying I’m the one being selfish. They say I’m a bad sister for pulling away and that I should be there for her. But I’ve spent years trying to support her and I honestly just feel burnt out. I love her, but I don’t like being around her anymore.
So am I the asshole for wanting space and not hanging out with her?
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I’m 19 and I have a twin sister. We’ve always gotten along about as well as siblings do. We’d fight, make up, sometimes need our parents to step in, but we were close growing up.
The last few years though, she’s gotten into serious trouble. When we were 16, she started sneaking out with a 20-year-old guy and his friends. Even though I had nothing to do with it, I got in trouble too. That happened more than once. Every time she did something wrong, I somehow got pulled into it and ended up punished. Eventually I told her to stop telling me what she was doing because I didn’t want to be involved anymore.
Around Christmas that year, one of her friends called my mom and said my sister had been drinking every night and was really depressed. Not long after that, my parents found out she’d slept with a bunch of people. Things blew up at home after that and it felt like we were always dealing with some kind of crisis.
To be fair, nothing major has happened in the last six months. She seems more stable, but now my mom takes her side in everything. No matter what, I’m always the one told I’m doing something wrong.
Things got worse after she broke up with her long-term boyfriend. I’ll call him Jay. She spiraled after that. We found out later he’d been abusive, so I get why she was struggling, but she also started lashing out at me a lot more. When they were together, I was always respectful of her time. She’d stay over at his house for days and I never said anything about it. I understood she loved him and wanted to be with him.
Right before they broke up, I started dating my current boyfriend. At first, she was fine with it. But once she was single, she started yelling at me for spending time with him. She tells me I’m selfish and that I never want to be around her anymore.
I see my boyfriend about twice a week. Sometimes more, sometimes less. I know I’ve spent less time with her, but I also feel like she’s made it unbearable to be around her. She’s always sad or angry and she takes everything out on me. She acts like I’m her only friend in the world and I just don’t want that role. I know if she had a boyfriend right now, this wouldn’t even be an issue.
She also has a habit of getting involved in big friend groups and then somehow they fall apart. She’ll get close with people and then drama starts and things explode. Even my mom has admitted this happens. So it’s not just me who feels like she can be toxic and emotionally draining.
Despite all of this, both my mom and my sister are saying I’m the one being selfish. They say I’m a bad sister for pulling away and that I should be there for her. But I’ve spent years trying to support her and I honestly just feel burnt out. I love her, but I don’t like being around her anymore.
So am I the asshole for wanting space and not hanging out with her?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I have stopped hanging out with my sister because she is emotionally draining, and I feel like that makes me an asshole because she’s my sister and I should be there for her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. Can you move out? If so, do. Share an apartment or house with other girls your age.
Ask your parents to get your sister a psychiatrist. It could change not only her life, but your entire family’s.
NTA. You’re actually the responsible one of the 3 of you. Take your independence and run.
You don’t say that you’re identical twins and that would come with different parameters. As “just twins”, you’re really no closer biologically than any siblings. You just happened to be born at the same time.
Research crab pot mentality. They are trying to keep you there so they can believe that you’re all stuck. Sounds like you’re not.
Sounds like you’re also the scapegoat to your sister’s golden child. Both your mother and your sister need you in this role so that they don’t become the scapegoat to the other. It’s a very entrenched family dynamic.
You owe yourself first and foremost for your own life, your happiness, your independence. Go find it.
NTA at all, your sister made her bed, now she can sleep in it. And your mom is on the fast track to getting no contact from you in the future, with the way shes acting.
NTA it frequently happen this way. There is one toxic family member and they are difficult to handle. So, they slowly become the only person whose wishes matter – because they cause drama otherwise.Nobody elses needs matter, because others dont cause dramas.
Stick to your needs and defend them. They wont like it at first, but they will get used to it.
NTA, teenage years are where you translation from using your family for companionship to support. You should be there to support your sister but shouldn’t we expected to keep her company at this age.
These years are hard on the teenagers and the parents.
NTA: it sounds like your mom is thinking with her “mom brain” instead of her adult brain. She’s afraid to stand up to her and check her attitude in fear thinking it will cause your sister (who just got out of a abusive relationship) to spiral again.
Instead of getting her some help She’s parenting out of fear and just enabling her. Have a serious talk with your mom about it and try and get her to talk your sister into some therapy, or your dad. I know moving out at 19 isn’t a option just any 19 year old can make that takes money and time. Unless you can move in with a grandparent, aunt/uncle or something.
Unless your sister gets some help and your mother stops enabling her she’ll just continue to get worse.
Go low contact as soon as you can. Otherwise they will drag you down.
NTA, you are not your sister’s emotional support animal. By any chance, is your sister the favorite?