Our son has a bad case of pneumonia requiring a surgical procedure to drain fluid from his chest and now he has a chest tube. The infection is pretty bad, we’ve been here about 8 days and he is finally starting to turn a corner. The fevers are less frequent and not as high.
I have been here everyday and will continue to do so. His mom, my ex wife, is also here but during the day she’s working (remotely) and a little more distracted.
A couple days ago, with our son showing some progress, I decided to leave for the night so I can get some rest. His mom will leave for about 3 hours in the late afternoon/evening to shower, change, do whatever, and when she returns I leave. At that time our son is getting ready to sleep or is sleeping.
I return first thing in the morning, between 6 and 6:30am to make sure I am here for the Dr. rounds or any early morning procedure such as labs or X-rays.
Full transparency, my girlfriend lives near by and I go to her house to shower, change, and get some rest in a real bed.
I’ve offered my son’s mom the same opportunity, I’ve told her that if she wanted to go home for the night I am more than happy to stay. However, she refuses and today when I made the same offer she said no, she’s going to stay with our son and doesn’t understand how any parent can leave their child at the hospital so they can go be with their partner.
Apparently she can still get in my head because here I am asking if I am the asshole for leaving my son at the hospital with his mom, my ex wife, instead of staying the night. Should I also be staying if she’s here?
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Our son has a bad case of pneumonia requiring a surgical procedure to drain fluid from his chest and now he has a chest tube. The infection is pretty bad, we’ve been here about 8 days and he is finally starting to turn a corner. The fevers are less frequent and not as high.
I have been here everyday and will continue to do so. His mom, my ex wife, is also here but during the day she’s working (remotely) and a little more distracted.
A couple days ago, with our son showing some progress, I decided to leave for the night so I can get some rest. His mom will leave for about 3 hours in the late afternoon/evening to shower, change, do whatever, and when she returns I leave. At that time our son is getting ready to sleep or is sleeping.
I return first thing in the morning, between 6 and 6:30am to make sure I am here for the Dr. rounds or any early morning procedure such as labs or X-rays.
Full transparency, my girlfriend lives near by and I go to her house to shower, change, and get some rest in a real bed.
I’ve offered my son’s mom the same opportunity, I’ve told her that if she wanted to go home for the night I am more than happy to stay. However, she refuses and today when I made the same offer she said no, she’s going to stay with our son and doesn’t understand how any parent can leave their child at the hospital so they can go be with their partner.
Apparently she can still get in my head because here I am asking if I am the asshole for leaving my son at the hospital with his mom, my ex wife, instead of staying the night. Should I also be staying if she’s here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My son is hospitalized for a bad case of pneumonia. He finally started to show signs of improvement so I first offered his mom, my ex wife, the opportunity to go home for the night and I would stay. She declined so then I started leaving at night and returning early in the morning. I am going to my girlfriend’s house to shower, change, and get some rest. My son’s mom believes I am not prioritizing our son and instead would rather be with my girlfriend. I didn’t see it that way, I feel more rested and able to be more present during the day getting a decent nights sleep, it just happens to be at my girlfriend’s house. I could be missing something and be the asshole for leaving at night, I’m not sure anymore.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
I think it’s weird if you haven’t stayed overnight with him- even in the very beginning. I’m struggling with judgment on this one. I definitely understand why his mom is staying. I don’t know what her intent was when she said that, but I think it’s a fair thing to vent. In an ideal world this would be done as a team if she insists on staying overnight.
If my dad never stayed with me in the hospital, even as an adult, that would hurt my feelings. So, I guess YTA.
OK your title typo is delightful. I was really looking forward to learning what an extra wife is.
But to your question, NTA! Sounds like your ex is playing the martyr. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with feeling like you can’t leave your very sick child in the hospital, but there’s also nothing wrong with leaving him while someone else is there so you can take care of yourself – especially since you have offered the same to her. It’s just two different ways of responding to a crisis, so her laying a guilt trip on you for responding differently is not healthy.
I’m sorry your son has been so sick. Your ex is sounding stressed, don’t let her remarks get taken to heart. If you’re managing to show up at 6am to make doctor rounds, you are doing a LOT. You know you’re not leaving your son for time with your gf, you’re using it to crash.
I see why she’s your ex.
NTA
NTA
If parents are married or coparenting on good same team term, taking turn, covering each other and updating each other, trying to get some rest and trying to take care of some stuff are very acceptable things to do.
Your ex wife still likes to discredit former partner.
YTA – have you thought about shifts each night? Do you find it difficult to stay with the ex? It is also unclear whether or not you stayed overnight in the beginning. I can’t answer whether or not you should stay when he is out of the woods, as I am not a parent.
I know that I was ok with my parents not being in hospital once I was known to be ok. But, I am an odd example.
NTA. It seems like you are trying to support ex and your son. Hope he continues to heal.
OP, is your ex still single? Wondering if your relationship status is rubbing her the wrong way . . .
NTA – married couple and we took turns in the hospital with our kid. Both parents burning out helps no one.
“Extra wife” is the most glorious typo I’ve ever seen. NTA in this case but you would be if you truly had an extra wife. Your ex is probably stressed, resentful and under pressure. You probably are too. Both of you could use some patience and grace.
Look some hospitals don’t allow more than one person to stay.
Mothers always get priority on this. And his mother is staying. Plus there are doctors on call if something really goes wrong.
Your ex is just stressing over the situation of her child being in hospital & she is going to be snappy. As she is not giving herself any real respite.
Don’t read anything into it. Remember you loved her once.
Just as long as someone is there when you go take care of things
NTA. I went through same situation, we took turns staying over. We also have another child so it was necessary. But why have two exhausted parents sleeping at a hospital??
Extra wife? Not a typo.
NTA. You’re still showing up and making an effort. Don’t let it get to you. You’re doing the best you can I’m sure and it’s not like you haven’t offered to stay
NTA, as a nurse I want to remind you that you cant take care of others if you don’t take care of yourself. Theres a reason theres a whole field dedicated to respite care.
When my little one had surgery, my husband and I took turns staying in hospital. And a nurse stopped me in the hallway to say it was good to see us being a team and also getting rest. Plus we had a 3yr old at home and I missed him so much.
NTA. A sick kid is no time for parental martyrdom
NTA, she seems, rightfully so, stressed.
…I’m also disappointed there was no extra wife. 10/10 for suspense build up 0/10 for execution:(
/s
NTA. And I’m not even completely sure your ex is TA either – this is just a really stressful situation and she’s probably exhausted and worried and on edge. It was nice of you to offer, and truthfully with extended stays inpatient like this, it’s important for parents to take care of themselves, too. You’re not TA for getting some rest so you can continue to show up and be there for the important stuff. Crossing my fingers and toes your child recovers swiftly and everything ends up alright!
NTA. i am going though a similar situation with a loved one in the hospital and it is SO important to take shifts and give yourself time to rest. this could be a long haul and you need to look after yourself so that you can look after your kid. it sounds like you’re making well-considered choices and have a good balance.
NTA. I’m glad your little guy is finally getting better.
NTA. You’re attempting to be rested when you are not needed, and it’s helping you manage the situation, so you’re offering her the same opportunity. But she’s using it to be a martyr instead.
It could be her worry and fatigue clouding the situation, combined with any amplified jealousy about your partner. And you’re worried and fatigued, too, though the latter less so.
Maybe someone else closer to your ex can talk her into it with you nearby to say yes, you’re happy to spend the night, she should go home. She may not say anything nasty in front of someone else, and may also be more likey to take the opportunity. Maybe she’ll think better when she’s rested.
NTA there’s only enough room for one parent to sleep there. You both can’t sleep at the same time.
My son was in-patient for the majority is sixteen months. He spent all of last May in the hospital. I came home to sleep a couple nights a week. I’m a single mom. If I’m not there no one is, which is a terrible feeling, but if I I didn’t take care of myself I wouldn’t have been able to take care of him. Self care is extremely important during these crisis’.