TL;DR: my older sister is currently suffering from a terminal illness and I decided not to visit her at all, my family is mad at me.
(I had to cut this lifelong story short for an easy read, but I’m open to add information upon request)
My siblings and I grew up in emotional violence, with a pinch of physical violence.
On top of that, my older sister was my own personal bully.
She has harassed me day and night during my whole childhood and teenage years, as we went to the same schools and shared a room.
She used to do tell me I was an ugly fat cunt who’d never have friends, she enjoyed humiliating me in front of her friends, and excelled at turning people against me, among other things.
I am still traumatized by my childhood and by the way my sister treated me.
As adults, the abuse continued, so I had to distance myself from her.
At some point, I could finally see I had been under her influence and I really moved on.
I think that is when I stopped loving her.
Back to present time.
I learned recently that she is teminally ill, which is sad an terrible.
So I thought we could organize a reunion.
Even though nobody gets along in my family, I was open to share a moment with my siblings.
Everybody agreed, but then my sister (the ill one) sent me super controlling messages that made me feel really anxious.
I didn’t respond for a few hours, shocked both by the news of her illness and her behavior.
And then, she stated that she was tired of waiting and was cutting the dialog here and now.
A week later, I received a long hateful message that starts by explaining her difficult situation, but then proceeds to tell me that I am an egocentric sad lonely person unable of love.
She says that I didn’t learn a thing in my life, that my thoughts are repugnant, and so on.
She then reminds me that I could still die before her, that she wouldn’t attend my funeral and that nobody would anyway.
Some parts are straight up ridiculous lies, but it shook me nonetheless.
It triggered me and I feel all kind of ways since reading it.
My answer was short and respectful but definitive, wishing her well and cutting contact.
That’s when my family decided I was persona non grata.
My younger sister, with whom I thought I had a good relationship, has gone no contact.
My niece, her child who calls me her fav, unfriended me on social media.
My mother did the same, even though we haven’t spoken for years.
I presume most of my extended family is badmouthing me.
These people who never got along, agreed to hate me, without even talking to me.
They never supported me when I talked about the abuse I went through during childhood, but now I feel like they are straight up denying my existence.
And I am not gonna lie, it feels shitty.
But still, I don’t plan on seeing her or helping her in any way. She’s well surrounded anyway.
I am done and I’m not sure I want anything to do with any of them anymore.
They broke me again and again, they have always protected abusers.
Yet, a part of me thinks I might be the monster in this story.
So, I’m asking you… Am I ?
Comments
Abuse doesn’t disappear when someone gets a diagnosis. She had the chance to use this time to make amends, but she chose to double down. That’s on her.
Definitely NTA. I worked as a CNA for years and never blame the family for not wanting to visit their members in care.
NTA these people should all be dead to you. Go NC on your own and be hostile as fuck to any attempts at reconciliation. I’d tell people your family are dead and move as far away as physically possible
NTA. Limited lifespan didn’t stop her being an arsehole so why should it stop you? Especially when your “arsehole” behavior (not supporting her) is so much lesser than hers (unceasing attempts to ruin every aspect of your life).
EDIT: and tell the rest of your family to go fuck a woodchipper.
I’m wondering why you opened yourself up to this in the first place. Obviously NTA but why stay in contact with dysfunctional family. Just because someone is ill doesn’t mean that they aren’t assholes.
Why can’t you post the screenshots of your sisters messages saying “ this is the person y’all supporting do you think she’s going to heaven with this much hate in her heart”
NTA
I’d post up both sets of conversations, in full, on social media, and add (tagging) all the people who have gone NC with you since – stating “I don’t know how <sister> has told it, but all these family members have decided that I’m the problem”. If they had been given a lie or a half-truth before blocking you, it should at least get your side of the events out.
I probably would not forgive the people blocking me for doing so without first talking to me first, though. Seems like a great opportunity to be rid of a lot of really abusive relationships all in one go, but you may feel very differently. Sympathies, this all sounds unreasonably hard.
NTA—but you are still enmeshed in that historically toxic relationship. Maybe see if you can visit and keep a completely undisturbed state of mind. Great achievement if you could manage that. Good PR for you with the rest of the family as well.
nta, you owe her nothing
Publicize the conversations you had with her; she may have deceived and lied to everyone.
NTA
Op an abuser doesn’t turn into a saint just because they’re dying…it just makes them a DYING abuser…
I am so sorry, that is just not right. You deserve better.
NTA, she’s still the toxic AH she’s always been. Good riddance to her!
NTA . They cut contact, let it be . Don’t ever let them back in your life again.
No you’re not the AH.
NTA
Hate to tell you, but they are still abusing you emotionally. The fact that they are all cutting you off is a form of manipulation and abuse.
Something a read a few days ago. Walking away from people you love, doesn’t mean you love them less. It means your self respect and love for yourself is more important.
Letting go of toxic family can be hard, but your happiness and emotional health is the bonus of walking away.
I wish the best for you.
Not I wish you would have come here with this situation first. I would have told you not to organize anything. You had not been in touch with her and apparently other family members. Did you try to arrange this so the rest of the family and this awful sister would finally accept you? You should have had no part in organizing anything and stayed out of it. It looks like as soon as your sister found out you were organizing it she verbally attacked you. You shut it down and cut her off as you should have then she obviously said whatever she said to the rest of the family who then proceeded to turn on you. There is nothing else for you to do. When people die or are dying many tend to make them out to be saints. The truth of the matter is they are still terrible person dead or dying. Your family knows how terrible your sister was. Now she is dying and is elevated to sainthood and you are the bad guy to the family because you stood up to your dying sister. Just move on with your life.
NTA. Just because someone is dying doesn’t mean you have to deal with their abuse. I’m sorry your family are a bunch of AHs. It’s good they showed you who they truly are and you can move on with your life.
Hey congrats on the clean slate!
While you are exploring your new wonderful life without all these toxic abusers, maybe get some therapy to help you recognize and deal with them sooner.
In the mean time, change your number and drop all your socials for, say a year. Just to detox from them
NTA, not even close. Enjoy the peace and quiet they’ve just given you, it’s a gift you truly deserve. Being cut off from toxic people is a blessing. My toxic sister cut me off years ago, don’t know why, don’t care why and my life is so much better for it.
Trash are taking themselves out.
Have a therapy.meet a lover. Adopt his/ her family.
Just tell her this is the universe punishing her for being a c××t her whole life.
Your family sucks, sorry you have had to deal with all that. Find your own joy going forward, good luck, truly.
Reminds me of my own sister. I’m so sorry. NTAH. Protect yourself, no one else will.
NTA….Apparently your sister has learned nothing. Sadly, your family has not either. Because they not only condoned her abuse, they continue to embrace it.
My mother had a best friend at work. She was a manager. She had to be out for a few months. I forget why. My mom took over her job while she was out. When she came back, the friendship ended. My mother’s Ex friend was so jealous over the fact that no one wanted to deal with her any longer, they wanted my mom. My mom ended up leaving that work place and never let anyone get close to her again. When that friend was dying and asked for my mom to see her, my mom said nope. She was done. Whatever she had to say was said long ago.
I am sorry that your family is not seeing your side.