I am a 20M and I am going through a tough time. My mom and dad are having problems in their marriage of 22 years. Long story short, my dad borrowed a significant amount of money from multiple people and failed to repay any of it. One day, he simply left home and never returned. My mom has been taking care of us since (which is like 4 years now). I’ve also been working 2 jobs to help her pay for bills. My mom is good, most of the time. She provides for us, but is only using her saved-up money to buy the suddenly necessary things for us. But, whenever we argue over something, even about a small matter, she will say “You’re just like your father”, “You’re just son of a dog like your father”, “You’re just going to ruin another woman’s life like your father”.I don’t know what I did to deserve these comments. When I tell her to stop, she just doubles down. This has happened for so long, I was used to it. Is this considered abuse? In September, she decided that she was going to divorce my father. I told her to go ahead and talk to a lawyer (Even though my heart shattered knowing that this family was going to be breaking up). On the day she was going to talk to the lawyer, I was silent and was just thinking. I know this sounds selfish, but I was thinking about whether I made the right decision choosing to support my mom or not. Then suddenly she just comes into my room and asks if I’m ready to go. I told her I wasn’t feeling well (I’m not sure why I even said it). Then she just goes outside to the living room and begins screaming how I am trying to be a good son to my dad by betraying her. I do not like my dad, he left us, but I was having mixed feelings cause I didn’t want to see this family crumble. She left to see the awyer all by herself. I am still having mixed feelings about this. I don’t know if I’m even right to have these feelings. So am I the asshole for not going with my mom to a divorce lawyer?
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I am a 20M and I am going through a tough time. My mom and dad are having problems in their marriage of 22 years. Long story short, my dad borrowed a significant amount of money from multiple people and failed to repay any of it. One day, he simply left home and never returned. My mom has been taking care of us since (which is like 4 years now). I’ve also been working 2 jobs to help her pay for bills. My mom is good, most of the time. She provides for us, but is only using her saved-up money to buy the suddenly necessary things for us. But, whenever we argue over something, even about a small matter, she will say “You’re just like your father”, “You’re just son of a dog like your father”, “You’re just going to ruin another woman’s life like your father”.I don’t know what I did to deserve these comments. When I tell her to stop, she just doubles down. This has happened for so long, I was used to it. Is this considered abuse? In September, she decided that she was going to divorce my father. I told her to go ahead and talk to a lawyer (Even though my heart shattered knowing that this family was going to be breaking up). On the day she was going to talk to the lawyer, I was silent and was just thinking. I know this sounds selfish, but I was thinking about whether I made the right decision choosing to support my mom or not. Then suddenly she just comes into my room and asks if I’m ready to go. I told her I wasn’t feeling well (I’m not sure why I even said it). Then she just goes outside to the living room and begins screaming how I am trying to be a good son to my dad by betraying her. I do not like my dad, he left us, but I was having mixed feelings cause I didn’t want to see this family crumble. She left to see the awyer all by herself. I am still having mixed feelings about this. I don’t know if I’m even right to have these feelings. So am I the asshole for not going with my mom to a divorce lawyer?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. The action is I didn’t go to a divorce lawyer with my mom because she always compares me to my dad. 2. I’m feeling anxious about the whole situation and just want help and advice if I betrayed my mom.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Its already crumbled. The divorce is a formality. Your mom shouldn’t let her pain cause you to mistreat you. She needs professional help in letting this go. Her resentment will make her a bitter person and drive others away. N.
NTA Your mom needs to get in therapy and work on her issues and stop speaking to you like that/screaming at you. You don’t deserve it. It’s natural to have mixed feelings – life is complicated and our feelings are complex.
I hate to be the one to tell you but your parents aren’t “having trouble in their marriage of 22 years.” It was over 4 years ago. He betrayed the family and quit on you, leaving a mess at your feet. You’re NTA for not going to her appointment, but it sounds like you both need therapy to get through it and come to terms with the new reality. It was very good of you to contribute to the household, and your mom should appreciate that. It shouldn’t have been your responsibility, especially at 16. And she shouldn’t be comparing you to your dad or speaking ill of him in front of you. But hurt people hurt people, and she’s hurt. Not right, but often true. Try to see things from her perspective, have a heart to heart with her, and seek therapy either through a conversation with her or on your own.
Have you explained that it is hurtful that she is comparing you to someone she is looking to cut out of her life?
“See this family crumble”? Really? You dad didn’t “borrow money and fail to repay it”. When you get a ton of money from people and skip town, that’s called stealing. So your father stole money from a shit-ton of people and then ran, presumably leaving your mother with all the expenses and possibly his debts as well—and it’s divorcing him that’s breaking the family, not his behavior? Really? Really really? Also, your dad LEFT the family. Again, how is the divorce what is “breaking the family”? You are working double overtime to hold your mother responsible for your father’s actions and I admit that I do not understand why you are doing that.
It is not okay, though, that your mother is using you as the punching bag for her anger over your father’s shit behavior. It absolutely is verbal abuse. Honestly, moving out might be what the best option if that’s financially possible for you.
ESH, because your mom is going after you because she can’t get to your dad, your dad sucks for obvious reasons, and you for some reason have decided that your mom should be chained to your dad in perpetuity.
The “family” has been broken for 4 years after your dad stole a whole bunch of money then skipped town leaving your mum to hold the bag. Everyone he owes money too would have come to her because they ar least know where to find her.
No your mum’s comments are not okay and she needs to stop taking her frustration out on you, but you need to get your head out of your ass and realise your dad sucks.
To answer your question on whether those comments comparing you to your father in a demeaning way, telling her to stop, and her continuing, is abusive. Telling her to stop to protect your emotional wellbeing and her continuing is violating an emotional boundary.
If she’s using words to hurt, belittle, control, or intimidate you emotionally or verbally that’s not ok.
NTA and you need to get out of this toxic household. Your mom is transferring her anger on you. No, it’s not your business to go with her to the divorce lawyer, because it’s about just her and her husband. You do incredible job helping her with bills and it’s a shame this is not appreciated.
NTA its alright to have these feelings. You need to have a major talk with your mother and tell her how you feel about being compared to your father all the time. If shes mad at him, then she should take it out on him not you. Its a really shitting thing to say to your child.
I dont know if my Mom asked my younger siblings, but when I was 16, she asked me if it was alright to divorce my Dad. I knew they were having problems, I told her yes. Unfortunately they stayed together another 8 yrs and made everybody miserable.
She can go by herself. She did. Its her problem not yours. How are you supposed to help? You can’t. Its between 2 adults.
Your family crumbled when your dad put everything on the line by borrowing so much money. Your parents marriage ended when he took off. Your mom is simply informing the government and financial institutions of this, so she can better protect herself. As for the other question you asked…
>is this considered abuse?
100% YES. Abuse isn’t just physical. Mental and emotional abuse is brutal. Many people who endured both that and physical abuse say the physical abuse was easier to heal from. Bruises fade. Bones mend. The mental scars are far more difficult to tend to.
You need to find a way out, but you can’t tell your mom beforehand. She will sabotage any attempt if she needs your income. She’ll use it as proof that you’re ‘just like your dad,’ but she’s going to say that no matter what you do. She’s likely not even railing at you, so much as she’s railing at your dad. He’s not around for her to take her anger out on though, so she puts it on you.