My partner (28M) and I (28F) are planning on moving into a place together soon. It’s come to my attention that he has very little motivation to make money moves and is working essentially part time hours. I’ve brought it up several times now and it doesn’t even seem to phase him. I feel like I’m going to be taken advantage of at this point moving forward. Am I the asshole for wanting to leave a 2 year relationship over this?
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My partner (28M) and I (28F) are planning on moving into a place together soon. It’s come to my attention that he has very little motivation to make money moves and is working essentially part time hours. I’ve brought it up several times now and it doesn’t even seem to phase him. I feel like I’m going to be taken advantage of at this point moving forward. Am I the asshole for wanting to leave a 2 year relationship over this?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action that I’m taking that should be judged is leaving a 2 year relationship over money and work hours. I feel like this makes me an asshole because I’ve invested so much of his time already. I also feel like an asshole because I’m hovering and mothering a 28 year old and I don’t feel right about it
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH
Neutral judgement because there’s way too little information to make a call here.
Have a frank, honest, and detailed conversation with your partner about money and lifestyle expectations BEFORE you move in together.
NTA
Financial disagreements are one of the leading causes of divorce. Add that to his clear lack of motivation and you have a recipe for disaster.
I’m a firm believer that people can change, but it sounds to me like he isn’t going to change for you.
The question you have to ask yourself is would you be ok being the main breadwinner in the relationship if your partner did the majority of the house hold work (cooking, cleaning, planning meals, etc.), and then ask do you trust your partner to do the majority of said work. If either of these things is not true, then leave him. You are NTA for this, it simply means you want two different things in life.
You’re generally not obligated to stay in romantic relationships if they don’t meet your needs and make you happy; you don’t owe other people your romantic attention.
Obviously, some reasons for wanting to leave are stronger than others. Having compatible values and goals is a really important thing in serious relationships. It sounds like you value having a good job and a solid income that you can build a comfortable life on, while he values working as little as he can so he has more time for doing things he likes. That‘s a pretty serious conflict, and one that really can’t be resolved because the values are in such direct conflict with each other.
NTA.
NTA.
He is 28. He’s an adult who should know that money is required to have your own place and that PT is not going to cut it.
If you wish to stay, i would 100% make sure he understands he IS paying his share and that his excuse of hours is not going to be tolerated as he can get a 2nd job. Finances should be discussed honestly and openly. If you feel like you’re going to be doing 90% of the bill paying, you may as well go 100% and get the place for just YOU.
Relationship wise…that’s up to you, but ask yourself this: is he going to change? Grow up?
If not, it may be time to find a man that has grown up.
More info needed.
Nope. Get out. It’s not just a financial matter, but a matter of effort and attitude. Someone puts in as much effort as they can and it doesn’t pay that well? That’s one thing. If they’re not making enough because they’re not putting in the effort and expect you to take care of the rest? That’d be cause for packing up and leaving. Or in your case, NOT packing up and staying.
NTA
He is telling you now what life will be like when you move in together. Listen to him.
NTA unless you move in together without discussing how you will share your lives. There are lots of arrangements, but they must be mutually agreed upon. I personally don’t like to see couples try to set up with one breadwinner. It caused some bad behavior on both sides and I think it’s the hardest to negotiate fairly. It can be done, but it takes respect and detailed agreements.
Have a blunt discussion now. Ask him if he intends to bring half the income in. Ask him if he hopes to be supported financially. Ask him how long he would expect you to support him if he lost his job. Be clear that you are not going to do it indefinitely.
There are subtleties here. People can be self supporting but not willing to pursue top earning. My husband and I agreed that we’d work for a nice living, but not the 16 hour work day living.
Talk.
How long have you been dating that you’ve just found out that he only works part-time?
Spoiler : no matter your answer, it’s not long enough to be moving in together.
Does he smoke weed? My children are that age and live in America and half of my sons friends that I watched grow from boys into men are lazy potheads and they do not apply themselves to anything. My son is also a pot head but he runs his own company and employed all of his lazy porhead friends. If it was not for his mother making the company for him, he would be broke and lazy too. I love weed but the American shit is too strong and will suck the motivation right out of you.
NTA honestly I think he won’t change. I have seen it time and time again. Not personally but with others. Even my mother married a man and he barely ever worked. She had to mostly provide for him. She worked 2 and 3 jobs. After 20 years she divorced him. Lazy sloth. I would have an honest conversation and if things don’t change I would not only not move in with him but I would end the relationship.
Part time working and unmotivated at 28? What’s ever going to change? If he was 20 then maybe but 28 he should be 5+ years into a career
NAH by the info you’ve given. As long as he has enough money to pay his bills, there’s no reason why he would need to earn more. Now if he started expecing you to pay more than your fair share when you move in, things would look different.
But you may just not be compatible financially, which is one of the major breakup reasons.