I (35m) have been seeing a guy (31m) for a few months now. Things have been relatively smooth sailing but a recent development has caused a bit of conflict. He has an interest in cooking and sending me photos most days of his meals. I don’t eat meat, for ethical reasons, so I don’t really like seeing images of meat popping up on my phone at all hours of the day, so I asked him to stop sending me the photos if it’s got meat in as I don’t like to see it, and he got offended/upset and said I’m refusing to take an interest in his hobby.
Just to be clear I have no issue dating someone who eats meat, and have done successfully many times before so I don’t want people to tell me we aren’t compatible simply because he eats meat and I don’t, as I know that dynamic can work.
But I want to know if I am TA for asking him to stop sending me photos of his cooking.
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I (35m) have been seeing a guy (31m) for a few months now. Things have been relatively smooth sailing but a recent development has caused a bit of conflict. He has an interest in cooking and sending me photos most days of his meals. I don’t eat meat, for ethical reasons, so I don’t really like seeing images of meat popping up on my phone at all hours of the day, so I asked him to stop sending me the photos if it’s got meat in as I don’t like to see it, and he got offended/upset and said I’m refusing to take an interest in his hobby.
Just to be clear I have no issue dating someone who eats meat, and have done successfully many times before so I don’t want people to tell me we aren’t compatible simply because he eats meat and I don’t, as I know that dynamic can work.
But I want to know if I am TA for asking him to stop sending me photos of his cooking.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Action – Asked date to stop sending me photos of their cooking if it contains meat.
Reason I might be Ta – it’s a hobby of his that I’m refusing to take an interest in.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Info: how did you express this boundary/need to him?
NTA. You said you do not partake in meat for ethical reasons, so your partner should respect that you do not want to see it as well. I would just be clear to him that you’re interested in other things outside of meat, if you haven’t done so already. It sounds like a fair middle ground to me.
I would say you are TA.
Dating someone means showing interest in them even if you have different interests and hobbies. You can keep it to yourself that you don’t like meat and still appreciate him sharing what he enjoys simply because he likes it. Telling him to stop sharing photos of what he is genuinely proud of probably hurt him.
I would say NTA. If he had an interest in watching surgeries, and you were grossed out by it, no one would expect you to watch it with him
Wow. To think that he could use his love of cooking to learn more about vegetarian cooking and cook you some awesome meals, but instead he uses it to…send you photos of meat? NTA toss this dumba**
INFO: how were you able to date meat eaters in the past if just briefly looking at an image of meat, let alone a real piece in person, is so upsetting to you? Just use whatever tactics worked in those other relationships. Otherwise, find another vegan if you’re too upset. Like yes, it is weird that he keeps sending content that you repeated asked him to stop sending, but it also sounds like you’re not as cool with dating a meat eater as you think you are and want to remind him that he’s doing something bad.
I dont think either of you are the asshole… But you need to find a way to compromise. Maybe there is something you can do to show interest in another way for things that are important to him, and he can also stop sending you those specific pictures?
NTA. Seriously, he needs to start posting his cooking creations on Insta like a normal 30ish cooking enthusiast, I bet he’d gez affirmation for his meat dishes there.
Also, in case you really didn’t notice, major red flag that your taking an interest in his hobby of sharing meat creations is more important than your feelings.
Before I give a full opinion did you explain why you don’t like to see the photos or did you just say you don’t want to see it? Because if you just said you didn’t want to see it then I could see you be TA but if you did then imo NTA
NTA. You are taking an interest in his hobby, but not every single part of his hobby. You expressed that politely. Has he expressed an interest in any of your hobbies?
YTA he deserves somebody who loves him, not someone who goes on reddit looking for females to back her up when bullying him
NTA, people cannot expect their other halves to always be the exact same as them. Sometimes polar opposites attract and that’s okay
NTA.
I am someone who eats probably too much meat and I would still find this offputting.
But also more generally: yes, it is nice to take an interest in your partner’s hobbies but you would not be TA if you wanted to simply take a lesser interest in any of their hobbies for any reason. You’re not obligated, as their partner, to be as full bore into everything they are. Moderation is completely reasonable.
NTA. He sends you photos of stuff you don’t like, you say stop – so he should stop. End of. If he is that big of a cooking fan then he should have plenty of other things he can send you photos of.
Do you and him a favor before you drag it out and break up now.
NTA. He sounds needy and immature, tbh…
I’d say NTA but id never date a vegan as a meat eater, id feel like I had to tip toe around how delicious my steak is.
You are not the asshole you do not like meat and do not want to see it and explained to him your feelings he should accept you do not want to see meat and not send the pictures it should not be that hard for him.
NTA I was so ready to say that you were TA, I’m a huge believer that you should take an interest in the things your partners passionate about, and it drives me crazy when people don’t. HOWEVER, this is absolutely one of those cases where I think it’s not so much that you’re not interested in his passion, I’m sure you’d be perfectly happy to support his hobby if he was sending you pictures of desserts or vegetarian meals he’s trying, but sending a vegetarian pictures of meat is either insanely dense or deliberately provocative.
Guy sounds like an ass, I don’t know if he’s doing it on purpose, but if not, his want for ‘support in his hobby’ doesn’t trump your need to not have pictures of meat text to you three times per day. If it IS on purpose, he’s being a dick, and using it being a ‘hobby’ as a easy excuse to make you the bad guy.
He wants you to ignore your need to accommodate his need for validation. This is controlling. He’s disregarding your boundary and using manipulation to make out that you’re the bad guy for not supporting him and throwing away your own comfort. Tell him no. If he hammers, drop him as this just shows he doesn’t care about what you want and need, he just expects you to bend to his will.
This is a good signal that he thinks the things that are important to him should be respected, but the things that are important to you shouldn’t.
NTA.
Perfectly reasonable request.
NTA. You don’t have to be interested in every hobby your date has. If he wants an instagram audience for his every meal, he should post on instagram.
You guys might not be compatible
I mean neither of y’all really suck here. But this feels like you’re simply not compatible if him sharing something he’s proud of upsets you. What if he’s coming, eats a meal, shows you something he’s proud of in person? Even if I’m not interested in my partner’s hobby, it’s kind of callous to ask them to stop sharing it with you just because you don’t personally enjoy it.
This is actually a fairly strong incompatibility. I find that people who like showing off their hobby will eventually start showing it off to other people when their romantic partner doesn’t have an interest or doesn’t give them validation. Obviously that can create issues in any relationship. NTA, but I don’t think this will end up being a long term relationship.
I’m also a vegetarian. I also don’t care/try to control what my boyfriend (or anyone around me) eats.
I just wouldn’t even know what to say to a person who was sending me photos of cooked meat every day. I could fake it a bit, but after a while it’s like cool, that looks gross??? And like a dead animal?? I haven’t eaten it for over 30 years and my brain doesn’t consider it food. What I’d think of the photo would not be the response he was looking for.
My boyfriend hates ketchup and sending him a photo of food involving ketchup would get a guaranteed poor reaction. I know that intuitively, as I’ve never tried. And I never will, lol.
And btw, my bf has lots of hobbies that I don’t take interest/partake in. And vice versa. And that’s perfectly okay. We have other shared hobbies. NTA
Vegan here who has never had a vegan partner 😄I don’t think you are an ah, but I see his point if he actually considers cooking a main hobby, not just something he does to eat. It might be weird that you won’t be sharing in that. Something to think about, but NAH.
He doesn’t simply eat meat though, food is his passion and you should try and show interest in that or it’s unlikely to work.
My gf isn’t a foodie, she eats to eat but when I make her some lovely Thai food or send her pictures of food I’ve either ordered or made, she always shows interest and vice versa when she does her dog agility(which I try to make every show).
NTA. You’re not taking an interest in his hobby. So what? Big deal.
If he’s truly perfect in every other way, it might be worth talking it through, but I bet you’ll find he’s got other clingy / controlling issues, and that this is just his first test balloon.
NTA
You don’t like meat so why would you want personal pics of them if he can’t understand that maybe y’all aren’t that compatible but if you want to continue this then maybe come to some type of agreement.
I’m really torn on this one. From his perspective, he’s not expecting you to eat the food he’s showing you. He’s just showing you what he accomplished. You said you don’t mind him eating meat, but one of his interests involves preparing it and cooking it. Does your stance on eating meat also preclude you from seeing it?
From your POV, yeah, I can see how you might not want to see it all the time. Part of sharing for photos is because they’re supposed to be appetizing, which is clearly something that you won’t agree with when it comes to meat.
Ultimately, I do think that this could be a dealbreaker unless one of you is willing to change. Not because he EATS meat, but because he thoroughly enjoys preparing it and showing his loved ones what he’s prepared. THAT’S the big issue. You don’t have a problem with him eating meat, and he’s not trying to share that with you He’s trying to share the cooking and presentation of it, which you DO take issue with.
NAH, but I don’t know if you’re compatible
NTA, I mean attempting to take an interest in their hobbies and admitting as soon as you know it isn’t for you is usually a hallmark of a good relationship. BUT that I don’t think coincides when you’re, sorry already forgot, vegan/vegetarian and he’s sending pictures of food he’s cooked which includes meat. That’s where you shouldn’t even have to attempt to show interest in their hobbies etc. He should respect your boundaries and I do eat meat.
Why are you dating someone who doesn’t share your core values? This is a HUGE incompatibility. If seeing photos is gross, then how are you handling him eating meat in front of you? What happens if you live in together? How are you going to feel when he’s cooking meat in your shared kitchen on your shared pots and pans? How are you going to feel when there’s a package of raw bloody disgusting meat right there in your fridge every time you open it up. If not participating in the torture and exploitation of animals is truly an ethical issue for you, then you need to make some choices. ESH.
Hi!
I’m in kind of a similar situation. And no I don’t think the guy you’re dating is a blatant red flag like some people are saying, and I’m not just saying that because my boyfriend is similar.
I also don’t eat meat, mostly because I never enjoyed it or got anything out of it. I also have some ethical issues too with it. My boyfriend is also a big cooker/meat eater. I, also as well, have successfully dated meat eaters in the past. But, this also is the first one for me who has an issue with it but doesn’t at the same time.
While I don’t get offended by photos ( please I’m not judging you for that, I really do understand ), nor does he really send me any of food, he has this big idea that “food is bonding”. So to him me not eating meat means we’re missing out on this “huge opportunity” to bond and he gets really upset over it. I personally don’t understand it, If we’re sitting there eating together I see that as bonding. I don’t see why we have to be eating the exact same /similar meal, or why me not being able to take a bite of his food means we’re not bonding. But it clearly means something to him.
He constantly asks if I’ll ever eat meat again, why don’t I just eat a piece of the steak, what would really happen? My body “needs” protein, I wouldn’t get sick as often if I ate meat, What would happen if he just made the rice with chicken stock and not even tell me…he bets I wouldn’t even notice and wouldn’t get sick, he really thinks that chicken powder/extract is not animal product like that I wouldn’t get sick from ramen that’s chicken flavor, etc. You get the idea.
I will say this though, my boyfriend never makes fun of me for being vegetarian, even though to some it probably seems like he does. When it comes down to it, without me ever asking, he always goes out of his way to make sure he isn’t cross contaminating, making sure if we go out to eat there’s options for me, hell sometimes he will catch something before me and be like “um I think there’s meat in that” or will get upset if meat gets added to something to my food. He will try my vegetarian stuff or “vegan” meat. I don’t ask him to or make him. He never uses that against me either like “well I eat your fake meat so you should eat my steak” something like that.
OP I would hope the guy you are dating is like that too when it comes down to it and it’s just him being upset over his hobby, like mine is over the ” food is bonding”
You’re NTA for asking him to not send photos of his meat cooking, BUT you do need to show interest in his cooking hobby to a point, or in a different way.
I cook the sides with my boyfriend to “bond over food” /make him feel like I care about his cooking. I also pick up the things for his sides at the grocery store sometimes. Maybe instead of asking him to not send you photos of the food at all, ask him to send you photos of the other parts of the meal. I’m sure he makes sides! Would you ever help him make the sides? Or ask him to send pictures of him picking up the non-meat items at the grocery store, that would make him feel like your at least interested in what he will be making. You can ask him everyday “what’s on your menu today?” And ask him to write it out for you instead. Shoot if cooking is really is hobby ask him to make you a cookbook with all his recipes in it, it doesn’t matter if you can eat them or not. You could even help him type it out.
I think there’s a lot of ways you can show your interest in a meat eater cooking hobby, it’s just up to them if they want to accept the way you are showing interest/trying.
I’ve known my wife 22 years… Married for 11.
There’s tons of hobbies each of us has/had where the other just isn’t interested!!
Your boyfriend needs to grow up. Saying “please stop sending me photos of meat” is a totally reasonable request, regardless of how much cooking is a hobby for him!!
If I kept sending my wife picture of my beloved mountain bike, she’d make it very clear very quickly that (hobby or not) I’m boring the shit out of her.
Soft YTA Someone who loves cooking and is probably proud of his work would want to show his partner his ‘babies’. He’s not asking you to taste taste them or anything like that, just to look at what he has accomplished and tell him,’wow’, you know, be supportive and such.
Unless he asks you to eat meat, and from how you describe the relationship, both of you are okay being different in that regard, he just wants to brag that he managed to do a dish.
Jeez. This isn’t about his meat hobby (lol). You made a simple request and he’s being manipulative in order to circumvent your boundary.
Although this dynamic CAN work it must be based on respect and this person is showing they do not respect you because of how he’s pushing back on your perfectly reasonable boundary.
“Please done send me images of x”
“Okay, no problem”.
That’s how it should go. He could send pics of veggies but he values the meat. Do as you wish, obvs.
NTA
Tbh leave him alone, NTA but he deserves to be wiht someone who makes him feel good about his hobbies, sharing your hobbies is a big part of a relationship
If you live on the West Coast, especially in a larger city, most likely NTA. But if you’re on the east coast, I think it depends on the city your in whether or not you’re TA.
NTA – I love meat, I have a grill, a griddle and a smoker and I absolutely think you’re well within your rights to request he not send you disturbing photos. It’s such a small ask too, not sure how this foretells what will come in your relationship.