I started dating my GF almost two years ago. In August 2024, she moved back to her hometown to start a graduate program. After doing long distance for a while, she asked me to move to her hometown, and I agreed. We got an apartment together last January. In early May, we found out she was pregnant. While this was unplanned (she was on the pill), I was incredibly excited. I had been saving up for years and had even begun to look at houses before we found out she was pregnant. While I was excited, my ex did not seem excited. I chalked it up to stress about finals and whatnot.
Well, finals came and went and her general attitude about the pregnancy remained the same. I tried talking to her about it but she told me she was excited. I have known her for awhile and have seen when she was looking forward to something and her response was not consistent with what I had seen in the past. After about a month of this, she sat me down and said “I cannot do this.” She said she is not ready to be a mom and was planning to get an abortion. She also said I think it is best we break up.
That was early July. She moved in with her parents. She asked me to not reach out for awhile, so I did not reach out to her. I was in her hometown, which is not very big and her sizable family all live nearby. So, I started to make plans on moving back to where I was living before. Well, then she reached out early September and said she is not getting an abortion and she wants to work on the relationship. She said she had a “freak out” about having a kid, but she wants to now.
I told her I will be a loving and caring father, but I am not interested in getting back together. We will have a co-parenting relationship. She is pleading with me to reconsider, but I do not want a relationship with her at this point.
AITA?
Comments
You don’t have to have a relationship with anyone you don’t want to, but do you blame her for freaking out about getting pregnant unexpectedly while on the pill?
NTA. Nobody can force you into a relationship. If she isn’t right for you then move on and be friends who can co-parent well for the child’s sake
NTA
Freaking out about an unplanned pregnancy is reasonable. Breaking off a relationship and going radio silent is suspicious. There are any number of things that could potentially be going on (maybe there’s a chance you aren’t the father, maybe your Ex is looking for financial support after getting kicked out by her parents…?).
Protect yourself by insisting on having your name added as the father by the courts after a DNA test (file for determination of paternity). Also, have the courts set child support and custody/visitation.
You didn’t confirm she did or didn’t get an abortion for 2 months after she was already 1 month pregnant?
You cant really ever be the AH for not wanting a relationship with someone.
Doesnt matter why. You dont want it anymore, end of story.
That being said congrats on the baby! I personally would try to get court visitation and custody rolling asap. If you start now, might get it settled when baby is here!
Nta as long as you are an involved loving father that’s all that matters. She sounds a little too immature and selfish and needs to mature a bit. Doesn’t sound like she is ready for a relationship and should focus on becoming a mom
Is baby yours??
It wasn’t a planned pregnancy and it’s ok for her to be scared. But to split from you and not communicate her feelings seems like something deeper. Hormone changes can cause anxiety/depression in pregnant women. It can get better as the pregnancy progresses. Not sure if she’s explained herself more since reaching out.
I’m sorry this has happened to you. Depends if you love her but you could try couples therapy. She’s hurt you and she needs to open up to make it work.
NTA. Adults in a relationship need to communicate with each other. I get why her lack of communication about how she felt about the pregnancy is a deal breaker for you.
NTA, and it’s up to you. But if you still love her, you might want to reconsider and give it a try. You can always leave again.
Wrap it next time- try not to put so
Body thru this again.
NTA. I understand her meltdown completely, but if you can’t forgive her don’t force it. She made a mistake, unless it’s an affair baby, it could be something you could work through if your heart was in it. You really have no concept of the toll pregnancy can take on a person. Her stake in this includes infinitely more risk on all levels, give her grace when you can. Cortisol is bad for the baby try to be supportive. Also get the paternity test.
NTA. Did she by chance take any antibiotics while she was on ‘The Pill’? Antibiotics can and will suppress the effects of the pill. I have a friend that happened to 40 years ago!
INFO: If she said she was not ready for a baby and she wanted to move in with her parents, but not break up and have a month or 2 by herself to make a decisison, would you have broken up with her?
NTA but I would definitely request DNA test from the courts just to be safe. It doesn’t really matter since you have no intentions of getting back with her but her just going off the deep end is kinda suspicious sure It can be chalked up to hormones or being scared but what she did is not something you do in a healthy relationship.
NTA whilst a freak out is totally understandable, how she reacted and made a unilateral decision regarding the baby and your relationship totally destroyed any trust you had in her and the relationship.
Not wanting to return to that relationship doesn’t make you the bad guy – just figure out how to coparent as respectfully as possible.
That said, I’d probably request a DNA test too just to make sure!
Are you sure the baby isn’t someone else’s and now he’s ghosted so she’s coming back to you? Tell her you need a dna test asap.
What did you say when she said she was planning on getting an abortion? I feel some info is missing.
NTA- her behavior and lack of communication affected you too. She isolated herself, pushed you away, and didn’t communicate her thoughts or feelings. Yeah she was stressed, panicked, and a probably scared, but how she treated you during that time damaged your relationship. Instead of treating you like a partner, she treated you like you were part of the problem. How that made you feel or reevaluate is valid.
Next steps: make sure you get a paternity test when the baby is born ( before you put yourself on the birth certificate), talk to an attorney about custody and child support arrangements (this will protect you both), communicate via texts until things are sorted so that you have documentation of everything.
Over caution may be unnecessary, but you never know and it’s better to prepare than to be reactionary. Congrats and good luck.
NTA. Your feelings have changed and that is all the reason you need to
NTA – She showed herself to be unable to deal with stressful situations. Rather than lean on you and seek clarity on what she wanted WITH you she pushed you away and broke up with you. This could be a recurring theme if you stayed together.
I guess my only caveat would be to say if you had any desire to try again, you could require that she starts seeing a therapist. That would be a hard requirement for me to even consider it.
NTA
As uncomfortable as it may be, make damn sure the child is yours!
Do not, under any circumstances, sign or agree to anything until a positive paternity test is in your hands.
No, she does not think like an adult.
Lawyer. Now.
Firstly, you made the right choice. She is clearly irratic and a baby is hard enough without having to deal with her ups and downs on top of that. Secondly, you need a DNA test. I’m sure it was scary to find out she was pregnant but her behaviour could also be chalked up to panic. Worst case, baby is not yours and she freaked out if she knew that. She was torn between you finding out and leaving and the guilt of an abortion which is why she went back and forth so much. The radio silence is because she reached out to the real father to see if he would step up but when he wasn’t interested she then came.back to you to raise the baby together.
Get a DNA test now!! It’s a simple blood test these days, no risk to her or the baby. Don’t make any plans until this is done. Don’t support her or the baby in any way until this is done.
NTA for how you feel, though. Pregnant hormones really mess with women. A surprise, unwanted pregnancy is a shock. While I wouldn’t handle it like she did, who’s to say it wasn’t a combo of shock/hormones. But that doesn’t mean you should be compelled to jump into “happy family” mode.
Are you sure the baby doesn’t belong to someone else
NTA and get a prenatal paternity test prior to the birth to ensure the child is yours
Trust your gut. If you cannot see yourself long term together, then the right thing is to stay apart.
But, make sure you do right by your child. Get a lawyer, get visitation and child support agreement set up. One that is fair for both sides. And, try and cooparent as best as possible.
NTA. You deserve to be with a partner in life that looks TO YOU WHEN LIFE GETS HARD, AND IT WILL. Someone who TURNS AWAY WHEN LIFE GETS HARD IS A RECIPE FOR FAILURE.
2 MORE WORDS. Paternity test!!!!!!
Her freaking out is normal, going no contact is the issue. Back where she grew up leaves open the possibility for an infidelity mistake. Co parent is the right thing, but in no way would I plan to spend the next 3, 4, 5 decades with someone who shut me out instead of talking to me about anything. Good luck with all of this no matter what you decide
NTA, something feels off. Like really off. I’ve seen a million types of freak outs and parts of hers make sense like not feeling shes ready to be a mom, diving back to her parents for a safe space, cutting contact with you who is excited to get free from your pressure and expectations, but the length of time for the freak out was more than usual by any standard I’ve known of.
Who needs to have folks convince then for close to a month or take that long to reach out. Lots of other folks are asking if she jumped the fence and was thinking the baby is someone elses and I cant pretend I dont think that’s possible.
She went back to home town and you guys were long distance for a bit then you come and she gets knocked up and I mean that’s completely possible but is it possible she rekindled a old flame romance since she moved back? I dont wanna put those thoughts out there I mean they are crawling around in my head so maybe yours too.
Best of luck in the future my friend
NTA
She broke up with you, and up until she reached out, you had no idea she’d changed her mind to keep the child. You made plans to move and get on with your life as if she’d already aborted. So while you’ve made the decision to be an active father, you have no reason to believe that she isn’t coming back solely because she’s pregnant.
YTA- I’m not saying you have to get back together with her, but the thing pregnancy and having a baby affects the woman much more so than it does the man. She is the one that’s going to be pregnant for 9 months. She’s the one that’s going to have to go through birth. She’s the one who’s going to have her career stall because of maternity leave. And in most cases, at least 98%, the woman is the default parent. I think you’re being way too judgy and harsh on her. If you try to work things out and it doesn’t work, then fine. But I think it sucks for the sake of your child you’re not even going to try to see if the relationship can still work. And moving back to your hometown means that you’re really only going to be a financial provider for your child, not a hands-on father in the least.
Updateme!
Get DNA test. Something seems fishy.
NTA. She moved out and said she was terminating. That’s ending things.
Get a paternity test please. I don’t mean to sound, well, mean but given her response, please don’t sign the BC without that.
How can they see each other almost two years ago? Am I stupid? Isn’t August 2024 one year ago?
Yeah sir. You left out the big question of “Why don’t you want to get back with her?” That’s the determining factor. Without that, the question of if YTA is unknown.
NTA
Find out the due date and do some calculations. It’s not hard to figure it out.
DNA test before signing birth certificate or making any other commitments.
She was going to have an abortion. You haven’t had any contact with her and now she’s changed her mind. Something’s not right with this situation at all. Protect yourself.
That’s not almost 2 years ago that’s a year and a few months ago
no NTA it’s not your fault that she couldn’t regulate and understand her own emotions and it’s also not your fault that she took drastic measures and then regretted them and wanted you back do whatever’s good for you and your kid
side note the pill is very not reliable, it has room for human error and if you’re even a little bit late then it doesn’t work, if you want reliable birth control for whoever you choose to date next get something like the arm and plant or an IUD or depo
I don’t think you’re a AH for this, but I’d get a dna test and give it chance once you know the baby is yours.
NTA…
Being a living and supportive parent is your only obligation. Some kindness while she grows your baby is due also.
You are not at all obligated to move back in together
Edit… PATERNITY TEST
NTA and I don’t blame you.
But I’m going to be honest. This reads like she cheated and got pregnant with the other guys baby. She felt guilty instead of excited but couldn’t tell you why. So instead broke it off with you and tried to make it work wont the other guy. Other guy finds out she’s pregnant and wants nothing to do with the baby. At this point it’s too late to abort so she comes crawling back to you with a sob story thinking you’d be there for her knowing you already made a move for her. I could be wrong, she could have genuinely freaked out but even still, it seems extreme given you were in a committed relationship.
You don’t want to get back together and that’s valid but you should still get a paternity test to protect yourself. Good luck.
NTA. You might want to get a paternity test though.