Posting for a friend who wishes to stay anonymous.
Hi, my name is Lois. My husband Bryan and I adopted our son James through a private adoption. He’s nine months old now, but at the time of this story, he was six months and had just come home from the ER after a couple of nights due to low oxygen levels (he’s fine now, just has minor non-life-threatening health issues).
Before we knew we’d be adopting James, we had a trip to NYC booked for our anniversary. When the time came, I was torn—do we take him or leave him with my mom and sister (both RNs who watch him often)? Ultimately, we decided it was safer and more stable for James to stay with them, where he had doctors familiar with his history. It broke my heart to leave him, but we felt it was best. My best friend Harper, who watches James every other Friday (only twice a month), agreed to help on one of the days we were gone. I was really grateful. Two weeks later was her regularly scheduled Friday. She hadn’t watched James in a while because she’s been backing out a lot last-minute, so my brother-in-law has had to fill in. On this Friday, I mistakenly thought James was with my brother-in-law and not Harper. After work, I stopped by the store when Harper called asking if I was late to pick up James. I was mortified and apologized, saying I was 10 minutes away and had mixed up who had him. She said nothing then, but I didn’t hear from her for weeks. I finally texted asking if we were okay, and she asked me to call her. When I did, she told me I was a bad mom, that I adopted James for the wrong reasons, and said it seemed like I just wanted an accessory, like a pet. I was devastated. We’ve been best friends for 20 years. My husband and I tried to conceive for over five years before turning to adoption. We chose private adoption specifically to avoid agencies that pressure birth moms—we personally knew James’s birth mom and offered her support if she wanted to raise him herself. It was a decision made with love and care. I told Harper her words deeply hurt me and that leaving James behind on the trip and being late to pick him up once didn’t make me a bad mom. But those were the two things she cited. It’s been weeks. She hasn’t apologized, but two days ago she texted asking if I needed her to watch James next Friday. I responded that I’d rather focus on repairing our friendship and that I didn’t want to strain things further by asking her to babysit. I asked where we stood, but she’s since ghosted me. I’ve always supported her through her journey as a young mom without judgment. I’m trying to figure out if I’m in the wrong here, or if it’s time to walk away after 20 years. I’m open to honest feedback.
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Posting for a friend who wishes to stay anonymous.
Hi, my name is Lois. My husband Bryan and I adopted our son James through a private adoption. He’s nine months old now, but at the time of this story, he was six months and had just come home from the ER after a couple of nights due to low oxygen levels (he’s fine now, just has minor non-life-threatening health issues).
Before we knew we’d be adopting James, we had a trip to NYC booked for our anniversary. When the time came, I was torn—do we take him or leave him with my mom and sister (both RNs who watch him often)? Ultimately, we decided it was safer and more stable for James to stay with them, where he had doctors familiar with his history. It broke my heart to leave him, but we felt it was best. My best friend Harper, who watches James every other Friday (only twice a month), agreed to help on one of the days we were gone. I was really grateful. Two weeks later was her regularly scheduled Friday. She hadn’t watched James in a while because she’s been backing out a lot last-minute, so my brother-in-law has had to fill in. On this Friday, I mistakenly thought James was with my brother-in-law and not Harper. After work, I stopped by the store when Harper called asking if I was late to pick up James. I was mortified and apologized, saying I was 10 minutes away and had mixed up who had him. She said nothing then, but I didn’t hear from her for weeks. I finally texted asking if we were okay, and she asked me to call her. When I did, she told me I was a bad mom, that I adopted James for the wrong reasons, and said it seemed like I just wanted an accessory, like a pet. I was devastated. We’ve been best friends for 20 years. My husband and I tried to conceive for over five years before turning to adoption. We chose private adoption specifically to avoid agencies that pressure birth moms—we personally knew James’s birth mom and offered her support if she wanted to raise him herself. It was a decision made with love and care. I told Harper her words deeply hurt me and that leaving James behind on the trip and being late to pick him up once didn’t make me a bad mom. But those were the two things she cited. It’s been weeks. She hasn’t apologized, but two days ago she texted asking if I needed her to watch James next Friday. I responded that I’d rather focus on repairing our friendship and that I didn’t want to strain things further by asking her to babysit. I asked where we stood, but she’s since ghosted me. I’ve always supported her through her journey as a young mom without judgment. I’m trying to figure out if I’m in the wrong here, or if it’s time to walk away after 20 years. I’m open to honest feedback.
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> 1) I did not take my six month old child to New York City
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. You made a medically sound choice for your son, and one honest mix-up doesn’t erase your love or commitment as a mom.
NTA.
It’s acceptable to not take your son everywhere you go and to have babysitting, especially since your son has unique health issues that would make travelling with him irresponsible.
Yta
YTA, to me it seems like your friend was right. Why not take him with you on the trip? Why not stay home with him if he was sick? He’s not even one year old yet and you’re already pawning off your responsibility on a dozen other people
NTA, let her be a ghost. This is a not a friend worth hanging onto. You’re allowed to get childcare as an adoptive parent, just like any other parent would.
For someone who wants anonymity, you put it in a lot of personal info.
INFO besides this babysitting, what other interactions have you had with this friend since adopting?
How often are your mother/sister/others watching your kid?
More info: how often are different babysitting and why?
How long was he in hospital for and how high was the risk that he may need to go back while you were away?
Was the trip non refundable and could you have returned quickly if there were any medical issues?
NTA. My initial thought was the opposite but based on the circumstances I think it was fair to leave him with trusted caregivers who he probably had more attachment to than you yourselves at that point in time. I don’t know if I would make the same decision but I also don’t think it was wrong to go.
I think your friend is being unfair. Being 10 minutes late to pickup once or twice is literally the least offensive thing you can do as a parent, so even bringing that up is unfair. If your friend had an issue with the trip maybe they just feel like that’s not what they would have decided but that doesn’t mean they get to tell you that you’re a bad parent.
Honestly, I gotta go with YTA. As a parent, I couldn’t imagine leaving my kiddos home with someone so I could go on vacation, especially one so young. When you become a parent your priorities change.
NTA
Normally I’d wonder why you wouldn’t take your child on the trip, but I see the reasoning. And you left him with family who are medically trained, so I don’t think it should be a problem. One mix up about who had your kid doesn’t make you a bad parent. Yeah it would be good to know who has your kid but it was an honest mistake that doesn’t seem to happen much. I think maybe something else might be going on with your friend.
NTA People like Harper are the reason why mums have break downs. There is a lot of guilt and judgement that goes with being a mum. Notice how Harper is not taking shots at Dad? Or to Dad’s face? Harper has internalized misogyny and she is jealous that you have a village.
First off nta.
Secondly not a bad mom.
Your friend is jealous and missing the baby.
I wouldnt allow her around my kid even after.
Ppl change and not always for the better.
Honestly, YTA. I couldn’t imagine leaving my baby for a trip, especially one who was recently sick. I would have just taken to loss of money. And how do you not know who has your child? This smacks of irresponsibility to me.
NTA
A six month old baby does not need to be exposed to that many germs, even if he hadn’t been ill.
Taking an anniversary trip and leaving the baby with your family members/capable baby sitters does not make you a bad parent.
Having people babysit and not caring for your baby 24/7 does not make you a bad parent.
With a friend judging me like this – I’d let her keep ghosting me.
If she had concerns about you going away, then as a “good friend”, she should have talked to you about it. Not harboring it, waiting until your next “mistake” and then telling you you’re a bad mom who adopted for the wrong reasons.
So, NTA. she isn’t a good friend. She sounds jealous and judgey.
NTA.
You’re just as much James’ mother as if you’d carried him. That means you get to make all the same choices and mistakes that any other parent will make with their child. In fifteen years, if James is slamming his room door and shouting that he hates you, that still won’t make you a bad mom. Just a normal flawed human being. I’m sorry you lost a friend, but as an adopted child, I’d have a hard time forgiving those words without a heartfelt apology and a lot of grovelling.
YTA for leaving a traumatised sick child to go on holiday.
I don’t usually judge parents for taking a break from their kids, but in the UK, social services would be outraged that you even considered that trip at this stage of an adoption placement. Absolutely shocking to me.
You are not neglecting or abusing your son in any way. I don’t think I would take my recently ill six month old on a trip and expose him to crowds and potential illness. Mix ups also happen with child care, it’s not a sign of bad parenting, so NTA.
It’s not unusual for long time friends to part ways over parenting differences. In my experience, adoptive parents sometimes seem less connected to their children, especially as babies, than biological parents do. I say this as someone who works in the adoption world and believes in adoption. When I had a six month old I could barely leave her at home for an afternoon without feeling physical pain, a trip would have been unthinkable. Your friend may not be able to reconcile how she felt as a new mom with how you behave and appear to feel.
I think you are doing the correct thing by giving her space, in time you may be able to find a path back to friendship.
NTA.
Look, ignore the people who are saying that you have to sacrifice your life for a kid. You don’t, and you shouldn’t. You were gone for a couple of days. One of the best moms I know left her 11 month old for two weeks to go on vacation with her husband. Some people think that the fact that they martyr themselves makes them a good parent but it does not.
Secondly, and I know this one from experience – a lot of women judge moms who didn’t give birth. They hate even calling you a mother. They will tell you that you have no idea what it’s “really” like – despite the fact that raising a child is the same no matter if you pushed the child out of you or not. I cannot explain this to you – but I also lost my best friend of 20+ years. It was shocking to me how cruel she was and how much she wanted to hurt my bond with my child. I’ll never understand it – but it’s a reality I’m all too familiar with now.
YTA. I would never have left my babies at 6 months, let alone an adopted baby who is still forming attachments. The icing on the cake is that the baby had recently been hospitalized. It’s just strange behavior on y’alls part.
NTA – Even if the baby wasn’t sick, you are entitled to take a trip without him. It ok for parents to want a break. The same people judging you for leaving behind a 6 month old with your parents would say they would have watched if you needed a break if you snapped and hurt the baby because you were overwhelmed. Everyone’s parenting dynamics will not be the same. You will have helicopter moms and moms who let their children explore the world. Moms who make babyfood from scratch and those who grab jars from the supermarket. People who never spent a day away from their child and those who travel for work and leave their kid every month. And that’s all ok. People need to do whats best for their family. Your friend and some of the people in these comments are judging based off of their own parenting style. Ignore them, you don’t need them in your life if they don’t like who you are a parent.
YTA you should be focusing on forming a secure attachment with your adopted child and learning how you can help them throughout life by studying adoption trauma.
I think the question should be “AITA for leaving my six month old at home to go on a trip with my husband?”
NTA all parents deserve to spend time away from their child. Some people don’t want to, and that’s fine. But not everyone wants to be attached to their kid 24/7. Also, parents make mistakes, they forget what day it is or they mix up times and they need to be reminded “hey, come pick up lil Johnny please”. It’s not a big deal. I work at a school and I would bet at least once a week a parent scurries in going “omg I’m so sorry I forgot/lost track of time”.
As for not taking your 6 month old to NYC specifically, what exactly would you have been able to do there while also parenting a 6mo?? Certianly not going to any shows, fine dining, or tours. I bet your friend is jealous of you for being able to go do “adult” activities while she’s watching the kids. Maybe you could offer some babysitting for her so she could go somewhere?
INFO REQUIRED: So what I’ve gathered from comments is Lois’s sister watches James Mon to Fri, then Harper every second Friday. However, due to Harper recently backing out, Lois’s BIL has been watching James on Friday’s. The Friday that caused the blow up, Harper was actually watching James, Lois thought it was BIL and was late coming home, so Harper called to ask where Lois was. Lois apologized and said she thought BIL was watching James.
The question running through my mind was – how did Lois not know who was watching her son? If James is watched at home, who let Harper in? Why did Lois think it was BIL? Who is making the childcare arrangements? And regardless of who is watching him, shouldn’t Lois have contacted them to advise she was running late?
How long was the trip? Just a few days or a longer period?
From the replies it seems like the baby is over at someone else’s house 5 days a week. Which seems a lot to me (in my country 3 days is more of the norm, because most parents here do 4/4 or 3/5).
I think the friend went from 0 to 100 real quickly but maybe there is missing info which makes her reaction more reasonable. Or not of course. My cousin had 3 kids who stayed with the grandparents 5 days a week and the other 2 they usually went partying so they went to someone else. They basically spent 2 hours each day with their kids, bare minimum.
I’m so confused. “I was 10 minutes away”. What does this have to do with being in NYC? If you were already home, how do you not know who has your kid.
She’s definitely an AH for everything she said….but I wonder if there is more going on. Because I really can’t understand…..how did your kid get to Harper’s?
More info needed: you say these other people watch him often- are you talking childcare while working only or frequent date nights? Babies require a great deal of one on one attention- would you say you provide the majority?
Clouded by personal experience here- I have a friend who was adopted after her parents battled infertility for years. As a side effect her mom had become a workaholic to pay for treatments, and that did not change once they adopted her. Her mom sent her off to anyone else to take care of- during work hours, if she had to run errands after work, so she had a break on the weekends, even vacations were always with someone else to “help”. She has almost no memories of any time with her mother taking care of her alone, and they have a difficult relationship currently.
If this friend is just seeing that you are trending towards constantly getting others to care for your baby, YTA. If you are taking care of the baby alone all the time, and these times are the rare times you are away from the baby, NTA.
Yeah I am torn. Quick getaway sounds cute. But an adopted baby who was just hospitalised and often watched by other people (too often even?) and you forgot who had the baby that day…sounds like a lot. I know babies are hard but your friend is not too far off.
NTA
(Adoptive and biological mom, who has gone through the long, hard journey to have children, here)
Either there’s something that’s always been off in your friend’s perspective, or there is some deep and emotional nerve she is going dealing with that she is venting at you. I think you are absolutely right that it’s best to take out the element of her babysitting your son and figure out what is going on in your relationship with her.
I think you tell her that you don’t understand what she’s feeling or thinking and would like to because you value her friendship. If she’s able and willing to talk through things with you, you would like to do that. For now, you don’t want to tangle the baby and getting a favor from your friend with resolving this rough patch in your friendship.
If she responds, you go from there. If she doesn’t, you move on, but know that you did nothing wrong.
NTA. You can’t change how some people feel about adoption. I personally think adoption should be abolished and that their is no such thing as an ethical adoption of an infant or minor. If my best friend of 20+ years adopted our friendship would be over. That being said, it sounds like Harper was looking for a reason to cut you off after you adopted your son. Her reasons for not agreeing with the adoption are irrelevant. Your reasons for thinking it is okay are irrelevant. She clearly has strong feelings about it, and you won’t change her mind. The fact is given what she said to you, she clearly thinks your choice to adopt was not right. She was always going to judge you harshly, so a small miscommunication. What happened does not make you a bad mom. You were not treating a baby as an accessory for this instance. You acted like a parent who had multiple obligations and made arrangements that ensured your child was safe and well cared for. You had a complex schedule that was easy to get mixed up. There could have maybe been better communication, but with an infant and a million things happening in your life, getting who was watching him mixed up is an easy mistake that result in your being slightly late for pick up. That really isn’t a big deal. That happens to all parents eventually. Managing another life is difficult, and all we can do is our best. You aren’t a bad parent for this situation. This sounds like a situation of you having different personal beliefs that are no longer compatible. I am sorry for the loss of a friendship.
Holy shit, NTA, and I’m sorry you’re going through (what seems like) a friend breakup with essentially a lifelong friend. You are allowed & deserve to be able to spend time with your partner one on one, especially when left your son pretty much in the best care possible. It’s not as if you left him with someone inexperienced with children.
NTA unless there is actual harm involved, it’s nobody’s business how you parent your child. Commenting on that, even as a close friend, it’s very tricky territory. I wouldn’t suggest walking away, but focusing on repairing your relationship was absolutely the right call. Going forward, hard boundaries, even just about offhanded comments, are a necessity. Best of luck!