Yesterday was his birthday party. It was supposed to be in the afternoon.
My friend, Ruby 31f, invited us over a month ago and I was genuinely looking forward to going. She has a big swimming pool that my kids love to use and her and I have been friends for most of our lives. I have two boys and she has one. They are all within a year of eachother so they get along well for the most part.
However, yesterday came and my youngest, 5, was having a day. He is diagnosed with adhd which he unfortunately inherited from me and his emotions were a lot. Screaming, crying, all of it for the majority of the morning.
I called ruby to see when we could come over because I knew a late party just wasn’t going to happen. When my youngest has days like this, it usually gets worse as the day goes on, and it did.
She insisted that she wasn’t ready to host anyone, so we got off the phone and I waited for her to call me back.
About 2pm she called me to say we could come over but my youngest had just fallen asleep in his room and I told her as much. She said that was fine and we hung up.
Around 5pm, she called and I answered to her saying “are you coming or not?” And I told her no. My youngest was having a bad day and at that point, so was I. The last thing I wanted to do was go out in public.
My anxiety was so bad that I ended up taking an extra pill of my anxiety medication. She said OK and hung up on me.
I ignored being hung up on, and immediately text her saying I was sorry and that was why I wanted to come over earlier.
She text me back saying she wasn’t ready for us and it is what it is.
I haven’t heard from her since.
I honestly Don’t know when we will talk next as shes very upset with me right now. I feel genuinely awful but I’ve already apologized and dont know what else I can do at this point.
I amazoned her son’s presents to her house since like I said I have no idea when this will be resolved.
So, AITA?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read this before contacting the mod team.
Yesterday was his birthday party. It was supposed to be in the afternoon.
My friend, Ruby 31f, invited us over a month ago and I was genuinely looking forward to going. She has a big swimming pool that my kids love to use and her and I have been friends for most of our lives. I have two boys and she has one. They are all within a year of eachother so they get along well for the most part.
However, yesterday came and my youngest, 5, was having a day. He is diagnosed with adhd which he unfortunately inherited from me and his emotions were a lot. Screaming, crying, all of it for the majority of the morning.
I called ruby to see when we could come over because I knew a late party just wasn’t going to happen. When my youngest has days like this, it usually gets worse as the day goes on, and it did.
She insisted that she wasn’t ready to host anyone, so we got off the phone and I waited for her to call me back.
About 2pm she called me to say we could come over but my youngest had just fallen asleep in his room and I told her as much. She said that was fine and we hung up.
Around 5pm, she called and I answered to her saying “are you coming or not?” And I told her no. My youngest was having a bad day and at that point, so was I. The last thing I wanted to do was go out in public.
My anxiety was so bad that I ended up taking an extra pill of my anxiety medication. She said OK and hung up on me.
I ignored being hung up on, and immediately text her saying I was sorry and that was why I wanted to come over earlier.
She text me back saying she wasn’t ready for us and it is what it is.
I haven’t heard from her since.
I honestly Don’t know when we will talk next as shes very upset with me right now. I feel genuinely awful but I’ve already apologized and dont know what else I can do at this point.
I amazoned her son’s presents to her house since like I said I have no idea when this will be resolved.
So, AITA?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> This birthday party was planned a month ago. I said I would go, and ended up cancelling.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
INFO
Is it common in your circles / culture to assume that if you are invited to a party, you can just drop in at any time that day if the actual time on the invitation is not convenient? Because the part where you called and asked “when can we come over” is very alien to me (I’d have instead expected in that situation you would say you are very sorry but being in a party will not be possible to day and cancelling, leaving it for her to ask if you could maybe come at some other time if that’s ok with her). My first reaction was to declare you TA for just assuming you could at some other time on a day she is hosting a party, but then I thought maybe this is cultural or something.
NAH. You did what was right for your son. And on her side, maybe she was waiting for you to show up and was a bit upset when you didn’t. Maybe you could have texted her that you weren’t coming earlier? Hope you two make up.
YTA for asking her if you could come earlier. And then you tried to justify not coming by saying you offered to come earlier!? Ruby was hosting an actual party and you tried to move the entire schedule to benefit your needs.
Why couldn’t the oldest still go and have fun? It’s understandable that the situation was frustrating but it shouldn’t make the other kid miss out. If this kind of thing becomes a pattern, it’s going to have a negative impact on the older kid.
NAH-She had to set up, handle, and then clean up after her kids birthday party which I am guessing had more kids at it then just hers and yours. She had a lot going on. You had to deal with your kid, all his issues, and all your issues. You both need time to breathe. I honestly think you’re overthinking things and need to calm down. This is your anxiety talking.
The only slight thing that I see as making you potentially an AH was you trying to change her schedule and dictate things because of you and your son’s issues. She even called to make sure you weren’t coming over probably because she was getting ready to clean up or her kid asked.
She was busy and your kid wasn’t having it. Stuff like this happens. Let it go.
NTA at all. This sounds really hard and I’m sorry it happened. I have three neurodivergent kiddos (two are autistic + ADHD and one has ADHD), and honestly most of my friendships with “neurotypical” parents have dwindled. They just don’t get it, and that’s not their fault – their lives and parenting experiences are SO different.
My best advice is to try to explain this to her more fully … but also build up a community of friends who are also parenting neurodiverse kids. In my experience we don’t have the same expectations of each other – if we need to cancel last minute, no problem. We don’t “company clean” for each other. The best part is that we not only accept each other’s kids … we appreciate and love them for who they are.
Good luck.
YTA for asking to come over when you know she would be preparing her house for other guests. The point of the day wasn’t to just hang out. It was to celebrate her son during his party. You were probably right not to take your son when you all haven’t learned other coping mechanisms but you are centering yourself in this situation.
Imagine if you were dealing with your son and someone just tried to invite themselves over knowing you were dealing with an already stressful situation.
NTA. Me and dad and 5 yo son went to his best friends birthday party. Him and this kid love each other since they first met at 3K. We’ve gone to other parties of his and met socially outside of school. Even gone to his house. This bday was at Chuck E Cheeses. My son has never been to a Chuck E Cheese. This place was like Dave and Busters on crack! My son can be a bit timid in large crowds. And it did not go well. The host had gotten the kids unlimited play cards for 2 hours, money for the gift section, goodie bags, pizza, and things in between. We lasted 45 mins top. My son was just over stimulated by all of it. We encouraged him to play anything. Negative. It was rough for all of us. So rough.
YTA. This was his birthday. You could have dropped off the older son at least or made a brief appearance.
Someone throwing a party cannot have people drop in early, they have a to do list they are working on and don’t have time to deviate from their tasks.
I think it was a rude ask, TBH. The only way coming early would be a thing was if you strapped the kids into the back seat, drove over, and dropped off the birthday boy’s gifts, and then left after giving your regrets for how the day rolled out.
Sorry, YTA
YTA for making this about you.
I have 3 kids, all either adhd, autistic, or a mix. Personally I’m a mix as well. One of my kids is PDA, and meltdowns used to be massive and frequent.
Never would I expect someone to have us come over while they’re preparing for a party if he was having a bad day. And if the day was really that bad, I would let someone know we wouldn’t be able to make it instead of leaving it open.
INFO: How big was this party? Like were you three half the guests? Because that would trigger a greater reaction if that was a small party. Your friend spent money for 3 to attend. Also how are you amazoning gifts after the fact? Did you not have a gift that day? I would apologize again and lay it all out that you didn’t want your 5 yr old to ruin the party and it was just a really bad day. Offer to treat your friend and their child to an outing.
I’m confused. Was there a set time for this party ot not? Was it an actual party with other guests or just you guys?
My best friend would understand my kids having an emotional day. My kids are 4 and 6, haven’t been diagnosed with anything as of yet but we have “fuck it days” where we do not get out of pjs, picnic in the livingroom and generally keep things as low key as possible usually after we have had several out of character busy days in a row that are demanding or the kids are going through growth spurts and are having emotional outbursts that make them unfit for the general public.
I had them at the dollar store the other day to buy toys for them as a reward for something they had done well and the two of them were… well it was so awful I nearly cried in the store out of sheer embarrassment. We had a “fuck it day” the next day.
My point being, my best friend knows me, knows my kids and would have rescheduled a play date another day if one or both was “off” the day of the party. Same as I would do for her.
At the same time, if I knew there was a birthday party a child was looking forward to seeing my kids at the next day I would do the low key day the day before the party – do everything I could to make sure my kids would be prepped and ready to be there. Kids are more sensitive than adults to people not showing up for them.
So NTA for your adult friend, soft asshole for her kid who didn’t have his 2 friends at his birthday party. Next year have a low key day before and do what you can to manage both of your ADHD (you and son) to make sure you can show up for the kid.
Maybe throw him a bbq at your house to make up for it. Your kids can give the present they got him still and you can all have a fun afternoon together and you’ll have all the cooking and clean up, giving your friend a break since she already cleaned and prepped a whole party.
YTA, it was her child’s birthday party but you expected the scheduling to be catered to the mood of your kid.
I kinda think it is better to just say “sorry bad day” and not come then these “I can come sooner call me, then call me again actually not a good time”.
First, ahe had to make extra organization amd time for you maybe not comong sooner. Second, her kod likely looked forward for your kids coming, then coming sooner then was disappointed.
So, just say “not today, I am sorry”.
YTA You can’t expect her to change the time of her party for your one kid, which is what this is about.
You are overthinking? But also coming earlier is generally not an option there’s a set time for the party and host is running around before that and not ready. But generally if a kid is not ok and you can’t come you just say – they are not well and we won’t be attending. It sucks but happens all the time.
YTA if you and your kids were the entire party. I get the feeling you were or you couldn’t have arbitrarily tried to change the time. If you left it open ended and no-showed for her kid, leaving him totally disappointed, then that makes you the AH as it could’ve been handled better. If there was an actual party with other guests, then I ‘d say NTA as stuff does come up. I just get the feeling your friend and her kid sat around waiting for you.
YTA for expecting her to host you early, when she was probably busy getting set up.
I feel sorry for your older son because he’s missing out due to his brother’s behavior. I hope that doesn’t lead to resentment, and I hope you and your younger son can find some successful coping strategies.
YTA For me, the final vote came down to the three hours you left her hanging, from 2pm to 5pm. It’s very unclear what time the party was scheduled for or whether there were other guests. In any event, you probably knew at some point well before 5pm that you weren’t going, and you should have called her to let her know.
YTA you don’t call someone hosting a birthday party & ask to come hours earlier. You also could have dropped off your older child to the party instead of ghosting her & not showing up.
YTA for not communicating. We have a ND household as well, if the day isn’t going well be explicitly clear with your friend. You waited til she called you at 5pm to explain your youngest was having a bad day. You should have been open earlier and maybe she would have been more understanding.
NTA. And anyone on here who DOESN’T have experience with a kid who has high level ADHD should walk one DAY in OPs shoes. OP said she and her friend have been friends for years, so I would certainly expect that the friend is aware of OPs struggles. OP asked politely about coming early and understood when the answer was no. She didn’t get snarky or stop communicating.
I DO have a grandson with high level ADHD. He is 7. His parents are still struggling to find the right meds to help him effectively manage his emotions and he is also in therapies. Yet Some days a trip to the store turns into a full on meltdown and the best response is to leave immediately. Sometimes it’s a shitshow from the start of the day. It seems like this was what was happening on this day. Unfortunately it was the same day as the birthday party.
OP prioritized her child’s well being, was polite about not attending, and sent gifts via Amazon. OPs friend should thank her because it could have ruined the party if they came and the child was struggling. Good job OP! You’re a great mamma!
Soft TA bc it could’ve been handled better. If you have a partner could they have helped? Also, telling her that your son probably wouldn’t be able to make a late afternoon party but that you’d love to come over early and help her set up may have gone over better. Or suggesting dropping off gifts earlier and saying hi in case you aren’t able to make it for the actual party. To Ruby (who is also probably stressed maybe even more so than you), it may seem a bit self centered on your part that you wanted her to rearrange her plans to make them easier for your family, and when you told her your son had just fallen asleep at 2 – that would’ve been the time to say – so I’m not sure we will make it. Also, not telling her anything for 3 hours after that is definitely rude. A quick text saying – son is still sleeping, so I doubt we will make it, I’m so sorry – would’ve been appropriate and expected.
OP,
Although there are some hurt feelings right now, this is mostly NAH. You and your friend should be able to get past this.
You can understand that your friend didn’t need to have to deal with early arrivals (esp if your son was already not doing great) while she is trying to prepare for hosting a party. And you can understand that she was looking forward to you being there.
I hope she can step out of her focus on the party/ her son to see and understand that you are dealing with a big parenting challenge and that has to take priority sometimes. I hope she knows in her heart that you wanted to be there.
I think you both will find your emotions and your friendship recover quicker if you acknowledge what the other one was dealing with BEFORE you spend more time re- explaining your own situation.
YTA. Your older son is going to grow up resenting you and his brother because he has to miss out on things because y’all can’t get your shit together. I’m so tired of people using anxiety as a damn crutch and excuse.
YTA you seem very entitled. Ruby was busy and usually birthday parties have a start and end time. You should have said sorry my younger one is having a bad day and dropped off the older one so he doesnt miss out. Very unfair to that child and he will grow to resent you and his brother if this continues.
The only thing I see an issue with is you should have called her and canceled once your son went to nap. Or you should have canceled from the get go. Asking to come over early when someone is setting up can be perceived as rude.
NTA. Entirely likely that no one is TA here, and once stress settles down, things will get better.
But definitely NTA for taking care of yourself and your child.
YTA – not only for ditching plans but for acting like your oldest doesn’t exist. Unless you’re a single mother dad could’ve handled a sleeping 5 year old while you sucked it up and took your older kid to have some fun.
YTA
because you weren’t transparent with your friend at the earliest communication about why you were anxious about going to the party.
because you knew your friend was hosting and expected her to cater to your needs. You could’ve offered to come early and help while your son was entertained by a fresh environment.
because it doesn’t sound like you were doing any active parenting to help your son – ADHD is hard, but it’s made harder on a kid if you aren’t actively helping them learn and practice coping skills.
I don’t understand other people’s dynamic with their best friends. I consider my two best friends children my nieces and nephews and they are aunties to mine
My nephew can come over early if he’s having a bad day on my son’s birthday. My best friend can come over early while I’m setting up
I would have my nephew put a candle in a pancake or whatever and sing happy birthday and open a present and give him a goody bag all before the party started if that’s what it took to have him celebrate with my son (if that’s what both kids wanted) or they’d come over the next morning for birthday breakfast and presents and goody bags or a separate sleep over another day.
If it was a bad day and a party is truly just a no go neither of us would be mad at the other.
INFO: do the children not have another parent in the house?
YTA. You wanted your kid to be in a pool playing and not bothering you. Obviously, you hadn’t gotten a gift yet as you “Amazon’d” a gift to him. You didn’t consider your friend having to get ready for a party. Self centered and rude. I wouldn’t be surprised if you are no longer friends.
I guess I’m in the flip side of everyone else. Maybe I’m just misunderstanding, but the way I interpret it is she was asking if they could stop earlier (I assume to see the birthday boy), she wasn’t asking for the party to start earlier. Neither of them are really in the wrong, if that was what was actually intended
This is on everyone
That being said people really do not understand bad adhd days unless they suffer it themselves. I have adhd and my oldest does too. If she (she is 6) is having a day then it definitely wouldn’t be a day to attend a party and a nap at 1-2pm would be a need not a want.
Your bestie should be more kid-aware if she wanted you and your children to attend.
My friend group has 1 autistic 3 adhd 1 ocd 1 angelman and the group total is 14 total kids. We give each other grace when it comes to social gatherings. Surround yourself with people who will support you instead of reprimand you. It feels hard. It is hard. ND brings many different dynamics and your friend may eventually understand YOUR needs and your child’s needs…or it may be best to cut ties now. You never know!
I was probably a bad friend to my friends with kids before I had kids myself. Sometimes it takes a minute to click for people that it is hard to live in a body that doesn’t seem to line-up with your brain every day.
Unless you’re offering to help set up, you really shouldn’t show up early as folks are preparing for an event.
You made your problem her problem on the day of her child’s birthday party.
YTA
YTA!!! why did you expect her to work around YOUR schedule?
Smart mom does not need your drama in her life.
YTA. You should have just canceled that morning when you knew that the set party time wasn’t going to work for you. Instead, you really jerked her around. First, you asked her to accommodate you and inconvenienced her while she was busy getting ready to host a party. Then, after she rushed to get ready, you didn’t even go. And it doesn’t sound like you told her that you definitely weren’t coming after your son’s nap. If I were her, I’d be annoyed too.
YTA- Are you a single mom? Is there a reason why you couldn’t have someone stay home with your youngest so that you could take your oldest to the party? This generation of parents are soooo flakey and then get frustrated when people don’t show up for them. It takes consistency and intentionality to maintain friendships. I would be disappointed if my best friend did not come to my child’s birthday party. There were options you could’ve taken to make it there.
YTA
YTA – Why didn’t you communicate better? On the earlier call you could have told her your youngest was having a hard day and that you likely wouldn’t be able to make it. Then she wouldn’t have been waiting on you all afternoon. That was terribly inconsiderate of you. And she had to call several times before you finally told her you weren’t going. Why didn’t you call or text her as soon as you knew instead of making her try to track you down in the middle of her son’s birthday party? You were a horrible friend and need to apologize for more than just missing they party. Now your son’s likely won’t be able to hang out with their friend at the pool this summer because you couldn’t send a text.
YTA
Wait a few days and call and apologize. Be sincere. Don’t lay any of it on her.
She was trying to get ready for the party, she couldn’t stop her preparations to hang out with you and your kids earlier in the day. She had (presumably) invited other people also: she couldn’t change things last minute to fit your schedule. I get that you were disappointed, but what you asked her to do seems kind of absurd.
Hopefully you can find a way to let your older child participate in things even when your younger child isn’t able.
You will need to learn how to still go places when the little one is acting out. The older one shouldn’t suffer. You should have dropped older one off and sat in the car with younger one until he figured it out or didn’t and he missed out all together.
YTA SO MUCH YTA. You’re entitled by making this all about your kid and his body behavior
In this entire story you completely ignore your oldest child and his feelings.
Info: does this often happen? That your older child gets ignored because of the younger one?
You don’t have to answer me, but if you wanna have a happy oldest child and a good relationship with him you should think long and hard about how often this happens.
YTA.
It’s not clear to me whether you and your kids represented most of the “party” when you bailed. If she had her own kid looking forward to this event and you backed away willy nilly (and I would indeed describe what you wrote as a very willy nilly reason to back out) then YTA.
You had been invited for a particular time.
It seems very cringe to me that you called expecting to come earlier, knowing she was preparing for an event. And when she was not ready, acted poorly. You deserved to be hung up on.