For context my mum has severe mental health issues and does not go out on her own and cannot go in to crowded places or supermarkets or use public transport. She is also very quick to get angry at too many people being round her. There is a concert I am going to later in the year to see a band we both like but due to her affirmentioned issues, I refused to take her to a major city to see them. We would have to take public transport and stay overnight, taking the underground repeatedly. However, this has upset her and although I do get why she is upset, AITA for thinking of her wellbeing and saying no?
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For context my mum has severe mental health issues and does not go out on her own and cannot go in to crowded places or supermarkets or use public transport. She is also very quick to get angry at too many people being round her. There is a concert I am going to later in the year to see a band we both like but due to her affirmentioned issues, I refused to take her to a major city to see them. We would have to take public transport and stay overnight, taking the underground repeatedly. However, this has upset her and although I do get why she is upset, AITA for thinking of her wellbeing and saying no?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I refused to listen to my mum and refused her a ticket to a concert. Am I being an asshole for saying no.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Did you actually talk to her about why or just say no?
NTA. She’s not entitled to accompany you everywhere she pleases. You have your own life to lead and she needs to respect that she doesn’t get to impose on you 24/7.
If she wanted to go by herself then she could… but you wrote that she doesn’t go out on her own, so too bad.
NTA. Your mom isn’t entitled to go with you to the concert if you don’t want her to, it’s that simple.
NTA. Have a conversation with her about why you said no. Explain that where you’re going to see them, she would encounter a lot of things that would trigger her mental health issues and that you only said no because you know she won’t enjoy herself due to that.
If you talked to her NTA. Remind her that concerts have changed, people stand almost the whole time. The metro will be crowded with concert goers. Even if she arrived with you, she would be already distressed and not enjoy the experience.
NTA! ooof! This is a tough one. As much as you might like to take her with you, you would BOTH end up miserable and if she’s not able to control her anger, you will take the worst of it. Do *try* to have a discussion with her. Then do your best to fully enjoy the concert. If it will help, try to find another activity to enjoy together on some other date. You sound like a kind, thoughtful person and this must be really difficult for you. She will have to understand that you are thinking of her well-being, not that you would not take her if it was possible for her to enjoy it. Because I think you would.
NTA at all. You’re being thoughtful and responsible by considering your mum’s mental health and what she can realistically handle. Sometimes, even when we want to share special experiences with loved ones, their wellbeing has to come first.
It’s heartbreaking that she’s upset, but it sounds like you’re prioritizing her safety and comfort, which is truly an act of care. Maybe you can plan a smaller, more manageable outing together that suits her needs better, so you both still get to enjoy quality time.
NTA. The only high maintenance humans I am taking out in public are the ones I made.
You’re absolutely NTA, I take care of people like this in my Group home all the time, and as much as we want to allow them to experience life and experience the things that they want, we also must consider their triggers because things can get really ugly really fast and get out of hand and someone can get hurt and that’s not what we want. So from what you’re saying here triggers are big crowds loud sounds and most likely she gets very overstimulated by what’s happening around her, causing her behaviors so no taking her to the concert would be a major incident and cause a very bad behavior from her. However, a good compromise may be seeing if the concert will be live streamed and she can view it safely from her home and not be in a place where she’ll be very uncomfortable. Often times I get residence that will adamantly deny that they don’t get like this because to them it’s embarrassing in some cases so I can see why she would be upset. She may be mostly upset with herself because she realizes she can’t go to a really fun place without being triggered. So along with the suggestion of a live stream, I would also suggest just having a conversation with her about your reasoning as to why you don’t think it will be safe for her to come and try to avoid words like “i dont want you to do…” or “because you do….” It’s hard I know, but from my experience in their mind it’s like you’re blaming them for something that they can’t control which is what I know you’re not trying to do at all so try to word it in a way that shows your concern, but no blame and offer Suggestions so she feels like she has an option not just being flat out told no ,just that you’re not allowing her for her own safety.
NTA I wish to give a personal thanks for your thoughtfulness. I would not want to be around someone who is overstressed and zapping out at a concert.
NTA.
I think you just need to be honest with your mom that you don’t want to deal with that at a concert. That you care about her and want her to be OK, but it’s not your job is her daughter to be her caretaker so that she can feel included.
NTA It sounds like there is absolutely no way she would be comfortable at the concert. Just explain to her that unfortunately there will be tight crowds. Maybe you could buy matching shirts from the concert and give her one after. That way you’re still bonding over being fans of the band.
NTA, you’re allowed to enjoy yourself without having to babysit another adult!
NTA. Unless your mother suddenly has a miraculous recovery then it is pointless for her to go.