Had an argument with my dad the other day, and he told me that my parents will pay for my college fully but I would have to completely pay for my brothers entire university tuition if I want them to pay for my college. If not, I would have to take out a student loan.
I told him no way I can pay for someone’s college tuition right out of college.
A little bit of background, we are pretty well off and have a nice home in a gated community. My parents afford enough to go on nice trips, they pay for all my extracurriculars, I’ve never had to work for my family, and I can use their money to go out with my friends. I know I am extremely privileged, and I know based on my parents line of work, they could pay for my brother. My brother is a smart kid and definitely aiming for an out-of-state school, I do not think it is feasible for me to have to pay 80k+ a year with my starting salary to pay off his college tuition.
I said I would definitely help out my parents financially in other ways, but I could not do this. I also have been applying to scholarships so my parents don’t have to pay for my college fully.
However, my dad said I am being selfish, and the financial burden on them is too high.
I honestly do not know if I’m wrong or not, so AITA???
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Had an argument with my dad the other day, and he told me that my parents will pay for my college fully but I would have to completely pay for my brothers entire university tuition if I want them to pay for my college. If not, I would have to take out a student loan.
I told him no way I can pay for someone’s college tuition right out of college.
A little bit of background, we are pretty well off and have a nice home in a gated community. My parents afford enough to go on nice trips, they pay for all my extracurriculars, I’ve never had to work for my family, and I can use their money to go out with my friends. I know I am extremely privileged, and I know based on my parents line of work, they could pay for my brother. My brother is a smart kid and definitely aiming for an out-of-state school, I do not think it is feasible for me to have to pay 80k+ a year with my starting salary to pay off his college tuition.
I said I would definitely help out my parents financially in other ways, but I could not do this. I also have been applying to scholarships so my parents don’t have to pay for my college fully.
However, my dad said I am being selfish, and the financial burden on them is too high.
I honestly do not know if I’m wrong or not, so AITA???
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> I said I will not pay for my brothers college tuition when I graduate college because I think that is asking too much of me, but I think that makes me the asshole because my parents have financial burdens I might be dismissing.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Lol, NTA. But TBH I woulda just said sure, and then not paid.
There is no reason you should pay for your brother’s education, that’s the responsibility of the parents, not the sibling. NTA
NTA
Your dad is a piece of work. Of course you won’t be able to afford to pay for your brother’s tuition.
Your dad is going to be very surprised when all of his children choose not to be part of his retirement plan.
Wouldn’t you paying for his college basically be the same as paying for your own college? I mean i guess if as soon as you graduate you have an amazing high paying job already set up that’s great, but honestly it just depends on who’s college tuition you want to pay towards at this point. NTA.
NTA for not paying, but then don’t expect for them to pay for you.
How far apart are you and your brother?
Not unreasonable for them to say they only have $X amount bad to split it between the two of you.
If they would pay $200k over 4 years for you, if you pay for brother, then you each only get $100k paid and you have to cover the difference.
There is no way this is a real situation. It makes utterly no sense.
I mean, not really. Just refuse their offer so they can pay for your brother. NTA
NTA Your parents have a favorite child and apparently it’s your brother. So they’re not really paying jack for your college (not that they’re obligated to do so) based on their proposal but are making sure their other son’s college is fully paid for. That makes them the assholes.
You’d be better off paying for your own college and be done with their nonsense. Apply for as many scholarships as possible to lessen your burden.
You could choose to go to an inexpensive school and then your brother picks one that’s $100k+ per year and your parents would ridiculously expect you to pay for it. Why do they think it’s your obligation to pay for a sibling’s college? That makes no sense.
And the fact that your dad jumps to calling you names when you don’t agree to his ridiculous plan makes your dad even a bigger asshole. WTF
Don’t play their games. Get student loans. I would personally go no contact.
You’re both wrong. You don’t seem to have any concept of money. Do you know what your parents make, what their expenses are, what they have put away for retirement? Your father theory is wacky. He should give both of you a budget as to what they can contribute to your education and work with you to figure out the best way to pay the rest. Check out the book Debt Free Degree by Anthony ONeal and Dave Ramsey.
They chose to have children and therefore accepted the responsibility. Your parents are colossal assholes.
First off, I am sorry for you. Your dad is a jerk and for sure the AH here. Why can’t your dad say “this is what I have for you” no strings attached. The amount could be 5 bucks but if it’s a gift then that’s what it is. And he should divide that by 2. (Assuming you have only one sibling). Do not ever enter into a contract that you are not 100 percent sure you can fulfill. You can’t guarantee you can do this and your dad is just looking for you to fail so that it’s not his fault he didn’t save enough money for both of you.
I have 4 children. We did all we could for them in secondary education and all of them did have to take out a few loans. As did I with some parent plus stuff.
Tell your dad thanks but no thanks. You will need to go it on your own. Which is what he wants. He doesn’t want to give you college money at all. And he will do the same to your sibling too.
You can spend your whole life resenting your dad or you can just move on. He will say it was your choice but he is a liar. It is his choice to give you an impossible deal. It actually makes me furious for you. What a shit parent.
Nta
NTA. is your brother the favorite? What your father is basically saying is he will only pay for your brother. If they pay for you, you pay for him, he pays nothing. If you don’t, they pay for him, he pays nothing. A more reasonable solution would be for him to pay half of each.
You should both pay for your own education and your parents have every right to enjoy the money they made. Their job is to raise you to 18. Then it’s your turn to figure it out for yourselves. You’re NTA, you’re privileged and, as a result, sounding a bit entitled.
Ask your wife. It will really depend on how she feels before we can really give you advice.
Is this a made up story
NTA, but you should not expect them to pay for your entire college. Just tell them you’ll get a loan and your brother can do the same
I think your post title has an extra ‘not’ (the first one) in it. Regardless, NTA.
You are absolutely correct that it is not feasible or reasonable for anyone to expect you to fully fund a college education for your sibling, solely on your income right out of college. Your parents have had 18 years (or more) to save for your college education (and your brother’s). I don’t know if they had two incomes or one. You would have ZERO years and only one income.
It’s also not your obligation. You are NOT being selfish.
If I had to guess, I’d say your parents did not set aside enough for their retirement, and this is their solution. It’s a bad one.
Whatever they are able and willing to spend on college education for both of you can (1) be split down the middle when you go to college or (2) apportioned so that the support to each child is appropriate for your relative expenses.
You can suggest them splitting their funds, but you can’t force them to fund you.
If they will only consider their wrong and unrealistic option or nothing, then get documentation of this. Them not paying for your education is not sufficient to be considered ‘independent’ for students loans, but it’s a start toward making a case if you need to.
Whatever happens, you are NTA.
This makes no sense. You say your family is well off, but then say your dad wants you to pay for your brothers schooling..If that is anyones responsibility it would be your parents, not you .Something is off here.
Tell him no and then get loans to handle your own. I would tell them not to bother sending postcards from future vacation spots too. Your dad especially sounds like a real piece of work.
Are you a girl? And your sibling is a boy?
Your dad gave you two options: take out loans for yourself or take out loans for your brother. Even if you wanted to pay for your brother’s school, schools want the money up front.
Out of state school? That’s like $80k a year on the low end for school and living.
NTA. Figure out financing your own schooling and you’ll be better off for it.
So whose college does your brother pay for?
This makes no sense.
They’re trying to bully you into it because if they are truly that well off, then you will not qualify for any grants or loans. It kind of sounds like they’re trying to get you to attend a state school and then have to pay double for your brother’s out of state school. I guess you could always agree and then just not do it? Sorry they’re weird.
NTA. What kind of dad makes his kid take out a 6-figure loan for their sibling just to get their own tuition paid? That’s not parenting, that’s extortion
NTA
But you should plan your future paying for it yourself
Usually as a parent you save say 100K across 2 children, tell each child they have 50K and need to make up the difference.
This can be 10K or 1K
This can’t be real. Fucking hell.
NTA
I’m missing their logic here.
Have they recently lost money?
NTA. Tell your Dad to take that money, split it down the middle, and make two 529 plans, one for you and your brother each. Then it’s fair. You can get scholarships and take out student loans for the rest.
It’s unlikely to get a great paying job when you’re fresh out of college. Plus, it’s just weird to pay for one kid’s college and not the other, and try to push the debt onto you.
Is your family background Asian? Apparently this is culturally more common there. At the end of the day it doesn’t matter…you shouldn’t be forced to pay if you don’t want to.
I guess ultimately you should choose to be responsible for your own education and loans. Who knows how much your brothers costs will be at this point!?
NTA.
Whose tuition is your brother paying for? Why is he off the hook here?
To be honest, OP, I wouldn’t do it either. It will be helpful if you have a decent idea about your career goals; talk to people in that profession. In my area, the most affordable higher ed option s a 2+2 where you spend 2 years in community college and transfer to a state university for the final 2 years. Some high schools offer “dual enrollment” courses enabling students to take basic courses like English that will count toward high school graduation and will earn college credit. Talk to your high school counselors; community college advisors; and university advisors.
Find out what your parents will cover for you. Can you live at home, do you have a car, car insurance, health insurance, food and other living expenses? When you apply for loans, it is assumed that your family will contribute and you may be asked to provide your parents financial records. If they are not going to cover any costs, talk to the college advisors about that and you may want to have yourself declared financially independent. I am unsure about the process.
Your parent’s plan is unfair to you and one sided in your brother’s favor. So I’d say just lie to them and say you will pay (not in writing). Then later if your parents end up refusing to pay for your brother’s education you can help him pay for approximately half of what your parent paid for you. That way you’re both getting the same amount of resources from your parents.
Do they want a contract? If not….
Check with a lawyer.
Are they expecting your brother to repay you/them? If not, looks like he’s the family favorite.
Sounds like your parents have overspent in the last few years and now they are trying to pass the buck. You won’t take that deal, will get loans, and they can try to save money for the next few years before your brother goes.
What are you getting a degree in that makes college worth $80k/year?
INFO: why do your parents want you to pay for him in exchange for them paying for you? You haven’t explained their reasoning, and there must be something. Even if it makes no sense to you…
For example, are they saying they can pay for half of yours and half of your brother’s, but if they pay for all of yours they won’t have any left for him? Or maybe you want to go to an expensive private school but they’ve only saved enough for a state school?
College is also a lot more expensive than any of what you listed, so it doesn’t surprise me that they can’t just afford to pay whatever for both of you.
INFO: why not split the college funds in half? You get half of what they have saved and your brother gets the other half.
NTA. Doing it this way would mean that your dad would essentially end up funding ONLY your brother’s college expenses, and not yours anyways, so why not just cut out the middle man and find your own school funding from the get go?
The part where you get screwed is that he’s able to take advantage of the costs not only from your college, which may not be $80k per year… but also from your college’s CURRENT pricing structure.
College costs are pretty much guaranteed to go up, especially with the current administration cutting federal funding to many large universities.
Save yourself the headache, take out loans and let your dad deal with the higher costs when brother goes off to college.
Info, please
Why do they expect YOU to pay?
I’ve read this before somewhere…
My dad yelled that at me when I left for college. He ended up paying for my brother tho. I don’t think a sibling should have to pay for another unless they want to
Unethical advice is to just say sure and take the free college. When the times comes and you inevitably can’t pay, just come clean and say you can’t afford it. What’s your dad going to do? Just not pay for your brother? Chip in a few hundred a month. Your brother will appreciate the extra spending money and it’s less than you’d be paying on student loans.
Why can’t They split the money equally.
Your parents think yours will be cheaper
Why on earth wouldn’t they just split the money between the two of you? This is idiotic.
This story makes no sense beginning to end
How much younger is the brother?
How about your parents pay for half your tuition and half of your brother’s tuition and you both get loans? Or is that math too advanced for someone who thinks a recent college graduate could swing $80K tuition?
So your brother will be home free of any school related debt if there is no more siblings that he has to fund their college expense.
NTA he’s your brother not your child. You have no financial responsibility to him what so ever.
NTA. “How about you pay off brother’s tuition, and he pays back the student loans I take out?”
How did your parents decision to have your brother turn into your financial responsibility??? If they only have funds for 4 years of total University then maybe half should go to you and half to your brother. You each can then make decisions about how you would use “your share” of that pool. To put 100% of the cost of your brother’s educational costs on you is not right. NTA.
I think your father is trying not to say that your family is not as well off as you think you are. He simply can’t afford to send you both to college. There’s a lot of denial going on in that house, and it’s time for a family meeting about it.
If you thought about it from a different angle, this still works out for you.
Take the free college for you and get the degree. Earning money once you’re through school is way, way easier than before you’ve settled into your career.
NTA. You’re being realistic about ur financial capabilities, not selfish. Paying 80k a year for someone’s college when you just graduated doesn’t even seem possible. Sounds like your parents can afford you brothers tuition based on your description. You shouldn’t feel obligated to take on massive debt like this
NTA By your father’s logic, he’s not paying for your college either way. You end up paying now or later (for your brother). You’re better off paying for your own school. What happens if you attend a $6,000 a year school and your brother attends a $60,000 a year school? Does your father’s plan include you paying your brother’s room, board, books, etc.? Pay for your own school.
NTA. Legally your brother is not your responsibility, you did not birth him. Your parents are being selfish not you
NTA bc what your dad proposed is pretty ridiculous. However they might be living far beyond their means for this lifestyle.
For what it’s worth, the most successful man I know is internationally recognized and has won many awards for his books and documentaries, even an Emmy!
He had no family help so he worked his way through a local community college then transferred to the local branch of our state university.
The reason he’s so successful is he was always so deeply committed to his field.
Most freshman (including myself) have no serious idea of what they want to be, so college winds up being an overpriced form of entertainment.
NTA. Maybe ask if they can pay half of yours and half of his and then you both can try for scholarships and take out loans for the other half. That would help you both because you’d only have to fund half of your education.
Why is this even a question? Are you really off on how much money they have set away? In any case, why are they doing it this way instead of just half for you, half for your brother?
Tell them you will pay for your brother and then don’t.
NTA. This is a bad idea.
I’m sorry your dad is a jerk and that your mom won’t stand up to him on your behalf.
So you have to pay for your brother’s tuition and he gets a free education on your dime? Your ITAH.
Info: Are you a woman by any chance?
Your parents are under no obligation to pay for any of your schooling, let alone anything else you get.
Just pay for your own school
NTA. Arrangements like your father suggests are not uncommon in families with limited means but many children: the parents pay for the first child, the first pays for the second, the second pays for the third, and so on down the line. But you have to explain this to the kids and get buy-in very early on, so that everyone knows what’s going on, why it’s happening, what they can expect, and what will be expected of them. That didn’t happen here.
No one has to pay for anyone’s college. Fairest way to approach this is for your parents to take the pool of money they feel comfortable contributing and split in half. That’s your budget for in or out of state 🤷♀️
NTA But this plan makes no sense. It would make more sense for your dad to agree to pay for half of each of your tuitions, and you each try for scholarships and loans yourselves.
Your parents are the selfish ones. You’re not your brother’s parent, they are. Its THEIR responsibilty.They’re the AH’s.
“Either you have to pay off a ton of loans or you have to pay off a ton of loans. Your call!”
NTA. Flip ‘em off for me on your way out.
I mean I would just lie. Tell them yeah sure you’ll pay and just don’t.
How are YOU being selfish for not paying for THEIR kids to go to college??? How does that make sense???
NTA, but this sounds like a passive aggressive way to get you to pay for your own future.
NTA – either you’re not giving the whole story or they are imbeciles. They can’t afford it??? How is that remotely your concern? They had ya’ll, they need to sack up and be real parents.
Move out work for a year while attending community college part time. You can then qualify for loans, grants and scholarships based on your low income vs your families higher income. If college cost are 80k a year find a different college and do your first two years at community College. Make sure the credits transfer to any college you decide to go to. The college you graduate from is really the only one people look at. Don’t pay 80k a year for college and don’t agree to pay for your brother’s college.
Basically he’s giving you a lower interest loan, like a “pass it forward”. He pays for yours now, you pay it back by giving thr money to them to pay for your brother.
But, it can end up a mess.
Just say “I don’t know what job I will get out of college. Just split my college funds in half for each of us and I will take out loans for the rest.”
Your parents are living a lie, they don’t have as much money as you think.