I (27F) just got caught in the middle of some family drama, and I don’t know if I handled it right.
A little backstory, my oldest sister (33F) got married at 19 to a 25M. They were together for about 10 years, had 2 kids, and then had a very messy and very public divorce. After that, she got with a younger guy (21M at the time), things blew up with the family, and she basically cut contact with all of us.
Fast forward, she’s now with someone new, they’ve been engaged, and she’s raising 3 kids plus his older child. Her relationship is still pretty strained as she stopped coming to family gatherings. Anyways, her and this new fella were planning their wedding in May, but when she found out she was pregnant, she and her fiancé decided to just elope at the courthouse.
Here’s where I come in. Me and my sister weren’t even speaking until recently. I’ve been struggling with a move and a miserable new job, and when I confided in my mother (58F), she just tore me down and made me feel worse. Told me I didn’t think any of this through before moving and that it was all a mistake. After the phone call it clicked why my sister had distanced herself all these years. I’ve been doing a lot of healing and growing since being away from my family and it made realize how harsh our mom was growing up and still is. Especially seeing how my bfs mom interacts with me, made me quickly realize how my relationship with my mother is complicated. My mom always told us growing up she would give us her opinion whether we like it or not, she will always be truthful. Our mom though has had a habitat of just making us feel awful instead of supported in anything her opinion doesn’t align with. So after processing all that I called my sister, we reconnected, and I confided in her about my resignation. She, in turn, trusted me with her secret the elopement and pregnancy. She asked me not to tell anyone, and I agreed.
Today the news broke to the family. I didn’t lie when they asked me, I admitted that my sister FaceTimed me this morning and told me, but I said it wasn’t my place to share and that she should be the one to say it. I did not mention the pregnancy, because again, not my story to tell. Well, my middle sister (29F) and my mom were mad that I kept it from them. Things ended awkwardly, and then my middle sister called me later to say our mom told her: “Well I guess I’m just the villain,” complaining that neither me nor my oldest sister really talk to her anymore and are now keeping secrets. My middle sister said she was very upset and sounded like she was gonna cry.
So now I’m stuck wondering, AITA for not telling my family about my sister’s elopement, when she specifically asked me not to? On one hand, I feel like I honored my sister’s trust and did the right thing. On the other, my mom and middle sister clearly feel betrayed, and now there’s more tension in the family.
So AITA?
Comments
You knew this wasn’t your story to tell, and you rightly believed that your sister should be the one to share her own life events, on her own terms.
It’s not your job to spill your sister’s private stuff, especially after everything your family has put you both through. If your sister trusted you with her secret, that means a lot, and it’s not your responsibility to be the family news reporter.
Your sister got married at 19 to a 25 year old and they had been together 10 YEARS?????
Edit: My bad, read it wrong lmao you meant 10 years after marriage. Anyway, NTA, you were asked not to tell and you didn’t. It wasn’t your place, yore not obligated to tell your parents anything anyway
Your sister trusted you with something deeply personal and you honored that. That’s what being a good sibling looks like. Your mom and middle sister are only upset because they weren’t in control of the information.
You honored your sister’s trust-that’s the right call. Family curiosity doesn’t trump someone else’s privacy, especially with sensitive stuff like pregnancy and elopement. Your mom and middle sister can be upset all they want, but that doesn’t make you wrong
You’re not the asshole. You honored your sister’s trust, which is the right thing to do. Family might be upset, but it’s not your secret to share
>AITA for not telling my family about my sister’s elopement, when she specifically asked me not to? On one hand, I feel like I honored my sister’s trust and did the right thing. On the other, my mom and middle sister clearly feel betrayed, and now there’s more tension in the family.
Really? NTA. You just wrote a whole to do about how emotionally abusive your mother is and you’re asking if you should have fallen in line to the pattern to betray a confidence. No there is NOT “more tension in the family.” This is what your family is and each of you is starting to grow up.
Would you have been ok if someone you confided in and shared Intimate details of your life with, went behind your back and told everyone everything they specifically asked you not to repeat?
You chose to keep your sister’s secret. You’re allowed to make your own choices. Your family is allowed to be disappointed with your choices. Both things are possible.
I think their disappointment is misdirected. They should be upset with your sister for creating this situation & putting you in the middle of her drama. That was not fair to you. Your sister has made her own choices, she owns the consequences for those choices, not you.
NTA – Imagine the fallout if you had told? Your mom sounds like she’s a bit controlling and likes to upset people. It’s not your story to tell. Full stop. If other people don’t understand, that’s is their problem. Just remain friendly but maintain your distance and keep working on yourself. The time will come when you’ll need the inner strength to deal with issues and you’ll have it! Seek counseling for additional support. Don’t confide too much in either sister about the family situation or about any issue you’d like to keep private. Keep moving forward!
Good luck.
You were loyal to your sister. That is never wrong.
NTA. It wasn’t your news to share. Your sister trusted you with something deeply personal, and you respected her wishes that’s what a good sibling does. Your mom being upset is about control, not about you doing anything wrong. If she can’t handle not being the center of every secret, that’s her problem, not yours. You honored your sister’s trust and that matters way more than appeasing people who’ve hurt both of you.
Wow, your mother is a professional victim and your middle sister has yet to figure it out.
NTA. Not your story to tell. Go back and read what you just wrote regarding your epiphany that led to distancing yourself from your mom. Now note that she is trying to rein you back in with this disconnected blame game. She can’t get to older sister, so she will try you. Find your backbone again and step away from the drama. In addition, recognize that middle sis is on the road to becoming mom’s clone. Unless and until she also quits drinking the kool aid, she will need to be kept at a distance. She is not to be trusted.
NTA. It wasn’t your story to tell. On top of that, you know how toxic your mom is. Why would you want to thrust that toxicity upon your sister? Tell your mom and middle sister that it isn’t on you to build familial relationships for them; it’s on them. If they have created this toxic atmosphere that makes people keep them in the dark, that’s on them.
Just because your mother is your mother doesn’t mean you have to tell her everything. You’re allowed to have secrets with your sisters. Your friends, your partners, anybody you allow to. Your mom has some issues that you probably are correct that you need to take a step back to protect yourself. And no, it’s not your business to tell other people.’s secrets that would make you in the wrong if you did. The only reason you should tell other people’s secrets is if it’s going to harm them.Then you only tell to save them. Other than that, it’s none of anybody else’s business. My suggestion get some healthy counseling done. So that, you know how to respond with your mother
NTA. Your mother cares more about being right than about her relationship with her own children. She treated you badly your whole life and called it “being honest”. Now she finally got caught up with the consequences and she doesn’t like it one bit.
NTA don’t let your mom take away the new relationship you’re starting with your sister. Infact tell them straight out anything she confides in about stays with you and if they want to know they should talk to her
NTAH. Not your secret to tell, and it’s not as if it’s something that is criminal that’s going to cause enormous trouble in the family. Your sister got married, she didn’t rob a bank. She asked you to keep it to yourself and you did. I imagine your relationship with her is still fragile, but the fact you didn’t say anything will go a long way to helping repair your relationship with her.
You and your sister had an epiphany and realised your mom is toxic. Your middle sister hasn’t reached that stage yet. You two have realised keeping your mom out of the loop and restricting the information you give her is the only way to stay sane.
NTA. It wasn’t your news to share. In fact, your sister specifically told you not to tell anyone. You just reconnected with your sister, if you told anyone, she would have cut out permanently. Let them pout. Be happy for your sister and continue to live your life.
You did the right thing. It’s not your story to share and was asked to not mention it. The end.
Nope. Your mom is an asshole.
NTA. Not your story to tell.
NTA You are being manipulated. The only difference is now you recognize it.
You did the right thing; wonder how long it will take for middle sister to work out what you and your older sister already know, that your mother is not a nice person. Low to no contact is advised.
NTA. She asked yo in confidence to not tell. Your mom is playing the classic woe is me roll. There’s a reason people like that are given limited or no contact.
You need therapy to deal with your toxic family relationships. Your mom sounds manipulative and controlling not to mention unsupportive and kinda mean.
NTA
Maybe have a conversation with middle sister about your recent observation about Mom, and ask if she has ever observed the same. Plant some seeds.
To tell them would have been gossip. And gossip is rude. Cut them off; they don’t deserve either of you. NTA
NTA. Like you said, it wasn’t your place.
Sweetie you just admitted that you understand why your sister went no contact, your mom is the villain in your sister’s story your mom steals peace and your sister has done what she needed to maintain that peace in her life. Of course your mom feels like a villain; the question is now that she’s admitting to being one is she going to change? I doubt it. Your sister isn’t just protecting her peace she’s protecting her children.
Her business isn’t your business to share. You did the right thing. You should try the no contact with your mom and see how peaceful your life is without her in it. Remember respect is earned and just because she’s given birth to you doesn’t mean she’s deserving of your respect.
Nta first of all. How your mother and middle sister feel is frankly none of your business. If people want to be trusted with sensitive information they need to demonstrate that they can be SENSITIVE with it. Your mom (and middle sister who’s still under her thumb and has clearly NOT come to the same conclusions as you and your other sister about your mother) are reaping what they sow. Your mother is HIGHLY manipulative and is using your middle sister to “triangulate” (look it up) so that she can get the message across to you that she’s displeased with your behaviour (aka you not betraying your other sister’s confidence) without getting her hands dirty to do it. You only feel guilty because you’ve been rewarded for compliance your whole life and taught that love and approval come with strings. That was not your information to share, and there’s is a damn good reason your sister didn’t choose to share it with the rest of the family.
Read the book Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. What your mother is doing is using manipulation to control you and your sisters.
You are coming out of the FOG. Don’t allow them to pull you back in.
NTA. Agree with others that you handled it well. Only here to add that you should brace yourself for a lifetime of your middle sister trying to keyep the peace… and usually siding with your mom. It’s a birth order tendency, and middle kids usually can’t help themselves. I hope you and your siblings can set healthy boundaries with your mom and one another.
You can explain to your mother and sister that it’s not about betrayal, but about trust. You just had no right to break the secret they trusted you with. I had the same situation. I kept a secret from my friend for a week, and he found out about it and resented me.
NTA. First, you did the right thing as you are absolutely right – none of this is your news to share.
Second, your mom is also right – she is the villain.
Keep maintaining these relationships as it makes YOU comfortable. Tell your mom you are just giving your opinion whether she likes it or not.
NTA
This isn’t my story to tell. Keep me out of your drama.
This is all you need to say
NTA. The fact that they’re so “betrayed” is kind of a giveaway of how selfish they both can be. Why are they making this about them? Would I be hurt if my kid ran off and got married without inviting me? Yes. Then my next thought would be, why did he feel like he had to?
Ask your sister who she would trust with her most no secrets, you or mother? Let her know that your mother may not quite be a villain, but that she is emotionally untrustworthy enough to share with and that you’ll be there for when she finally hits her limit of how much abuse and manipulation she can take.
NTA
You didn’t add to the tension. It’s always been there, and your mom causes it with her BS and refusal to admit being wrong.
Tell your mother and sister that, when your mother looks to her sides and sees that her children are turning their backs on her, she will eventually have to wonder if in fact she might be the problem… and seek therapy to improve her ways.
NTA. You’re a good sibling for keeping your word and sharing no info on your sister’s life. I don’t share people’s news without permission, either, because some people love to tell their good news themselves, and I don’t want to take away that experience from them.
It is not your responsibility that your Mom and sister don’t communicate. You did the right thing by keeping your sister’s confidence. If they know, however, she will think you told them, unless there is an obvious way that they found out.
Your Mom needs to learn how to communicate with people. I can’t believe some people last as long as they do, being jerks the entire time, and not learning from it. Her inability to keep her mouth shut has already cost her one daughter and you’re probably on the fence about being open with her. She continues cutting you guys down though. So, she is the villain, IMO. Now that she’s feeling regret for her behavior, she’s just trying to gain sympathy by guilt tripping you. Your other sister who’s buddy buddy with Mom obviously fell for it. You don’t have to.
Keep your relationship with your siblings separate from the one you have with your parents. You’re adults now and it isn’t your responsibility or place to share what your siblings share with you to mom and dad. I talk to my brother and sister and my parents don’t ever ask me to fill them in on their life. I don’t volunteer information either unless I’m asked to. It is up to them to share what they do with our parents.
Ignore your mother when she insults you. Take it as the ramblings of a crazy lady. Her inability to express her approval or love is her problem. Maybe she’ll learn from the consequences she’s now facing or won’t. Not up to you to fix her.
NTA. And your mother being right about being the Villain who has children who don’t trust her or want to be around her is actually pretty insightful. When the line gets used on you (you are supposed to disagree with her), ask if she’s going to seek therapy now that she’s realizing how she sabotages her relationships and hurts people she supposedly loves with her cruelty and lack of respect?
Everyone does the best they can; everyone can do better. Hopefully you will learn from your mother, embrace the good and do better in the areas she has failed you. In the meantime, Therapy for Everyone.