Hello, 19f here and over the past few months I’ve restarted therapy through my university. It’s every other week and completely free for students. I’ve liked the person they matched me with and it’s been going well.
I have a complicated relationship with my family and therapy. My parents put my sister and I in therapy when I was 14 in response to a traumatic event. My sister clicked with her therapist immediately but it took me five tries, as well as an unhelpful OCD diagnosis, to finally get diagnosed with PTSD and do EMDR that helped me. These five tries were all between the ages of 14-17.
I have the feeling that my family judges me for not ‘getting better’ as quickly as my sister. There’s a lot of “It didn’t work because you didn’t try as hard as her,” “She’s actually willing to put in the work,” and “Unlike her, you manipulate your therapists.” I feel bitter about it because I told them early on that I wasn’t ready to talk about what happened, they didn’t listen when I said I didn’t feel comfortable, and then they were surprised when it didn’t work. They also said “We put you in therapy so that you’ll be upset there instead of with us.”
At the end of every session, they would ask me what I talked about and then give me an agenda list of things to talk about the next week. Then, and this upset me the most, they would tell other people about it. Not just other family members, but randos like “oh [my name] is in trauma therapy and they think she has PTSD but we’ll see when she discusses this and that.” The thing that happened was on the news against my family’s wishes and then frequently brought up in the town council meetings and even in our schools, and I already hated feeling talked about, so having my parents share the treatment I was getting for it felt like more salt in the wound.
When I went to college, I told my parents that I was very anxious and panicked a lot and it was interfering with my ability to function. They said “We tried getting you help and you didn’t want it so now you need to get it yourself. We’re not helping you.” I went and found my own therapist and didn’t tell them. I didn’t want them to tell every person I knew that I was feeling anxious/ask me what I discussed/look up the therapist and contact them themselves/tell me how I picked an incompetent person and would just fail again.
Recently my sister and I had an argument and she told me it upset her that I wasn’t in therapy, because she feels I don’t value her enough to ‘try to get better.’ I told her that I have been in therapy for the past several months. She said that made her angrier because she felt like I was lying to her. Now my parents are angry too, they all say they feel lied to.
I’m wondering if I’m TA? Initially I felt like I did nothing wrong, it’s my own treatment and I’m facilitating it all myself. But my sister said “My definition of true family includes being honest” so now I’m worried I’m an awful sister who doesn’t value her family enough.
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Hello, 19f here and over the past few months I’ve restarted therapy through my university. It’s every other week and completely free for students. I’ve liked the person they matched me with and it’s been going well.
I have a complicated relationship with my family and therapy. My parents put my sister and I in therapy when I was 14 in response to a traumatic event. My sister clicked with her therapist immediately but it took me five tries, as well as an unhelpful OCD diagnosis, to finally get diagnosed with PTSD and do EMDR that helped me. These five tries were all between the ages of 14-17.
I have the feeling that my family judges me for not ‘getting better’ as quickly as my sister. There’s a lot of “It didn’t work because you didn’t try as hard as her,” “She’s actually willing to put in the work,” and “Unlike her, you manipulate your therapists.” I feel bitter about it because I told them early on that I wasn’t ready to talk about what happened, they didn’t listen when I said I didn’t feel comfortable, and then they were surprised when it didn’t work. They also said “We put you in therapy so that you’ll be upset there instead of with us.”
At the end of every session, they would ask me what I talked about and then give me an agenda list of things to talk about the next week. Then, and this upset me the most, they would tell other people about it. Not just other family members, but randos like “oh [my name] is in trauma therapy and they think she has PTSD but we’ll see when she discusses this and that.” The thing that happened was on the news against my family’s wishes and then frequently brought up in the town council meetings and even in our schools, and I already hated feeling talked about, so having my parents share the treatment I was getting for it felt like more salt in the wound.
When I went to college, I told my parents that I was very anxious and panicked a lot and it was interfering with my ability to function. They said “We tried getting you help and you didn’t want it so now you need to get it yourself. We’re not helping you.” I went and found my own therapist and didn’t tell them. I didn’t want them to tell every person I knew that I was feeling anxious/ask me what I discussed/look up the therapist and contact them themselves/tell me how I picked an incompetent person and would just fail again.
Recently my sister and I had an argument and she told me it upset her that I wasn’t in therapy, because she feels I don’t value her enough to ‘try to get better.’ I told her that I have been in therapy for the past several months. She said that made her angrier because she felt like I was lying to her. Now my parents are angry too, they all say they feel lied to.
I’m wondering if I’m TA? Initially I felt like I did nothing wrong, it’s my own treatment and I’m facilitating it all myself. But my sister said “My definition of true family includes being honest” so now I’m worried I’m an awful sister who doesn’t value her family enough.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I should be judged for ‘lying’/keeping secrets from my family.
2. This might make me TA for not being a good sister/family member.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA you’re an adult, it’s your business
NTA. Be sure to bring up these feelings as you continue therapy.
NTA. Your family should never have intruded on your therapy, but supported you in making it as helpful as possible (like making sure your therapist was actually helping you). You’re an adult now, and you have no need to inform them about your therapy. They sound like they’ve been really toxic in how they treated you around therapy.
Goddamn just throw the whole family out. Your parents are vile people. Are you financially dependent on them? If you are not I suggest going full no contact. If you are try go be as low contact as you can. Your parents and sister are a threat to your mental health.
Imagine thinking you have the right to be angry that some isn’t in therapy and then image that same person being mad that you are in therapy bit didn’t tell them.
Imagine having parents share your drama with any random and being pissed that those child wasn’t “healing” on their time table.
The whole thing is just so sad.
OP I hoping you get the healing you deserve.
Sometimes we need therapy because of the very people that think we need therapy. In this case op, it’s your parents. They are certifiably bat shit fucking insane. The sooner you can rid yourself of the toxic environment the sooner you will be able to concentrate on healing. I’m sorry they don’t have your back in this; loving parents would be THRILLED to find out you are finally getting the help you need.
NTA.. your family is toxic as hell. Honestly, you should do what I do and start keeping your distance. Deal with the issues with your therapist and keep those conversations private. No one else needs to be part of your therapy journey. My sister tried getting overly involved in my therapy process and always got mad at me when I didn’t want to share with her. After trying to be respectful for a reasonable period and being up front that I wasn’t going to be discussing those things, I eventually just made the decision not to discuss those issues with her anymore. Its none of her business unless I want it to be.
Put yourself first. If you have to stay at school over a holiday to get a break, do it. Don’t give in to their BS demands and expectations. Everyone deals with trauma differently. Took me nearly a decade to finally get my issues resolved because of difficulty finding a good therapist and having to change a few times.
NTA. your therapy is your safe place not a family group project and keeping it private was the only way to protect you healing from their past invasions.
NTA ! They have a misguided idea of what therapy does for people. No one should be giving out a list things to discuss at therapy. Shaming you to “get better” isn’t helping. I hope you can get away from them to have peace.
NTA and your family doesn’t understand what therapy actually is.
Your parents claimed they put you in therapy so you’d be upset there instead of at home. It sounds to me like your difficulties are not a concern for them, and moreso just an annoyance or a nuisance to them. They don’t want to deal with your issues, they want to push them onto someone else. Your sister has internalized that mindset and is lashing out at you. It’s like you said: This is YOUR treatment. You choose who you tell, and what gets discussed should only be between you and your therapist anyway. You should start trying to distance yourself from them where you can. These people are only going to cause you more grief.
NTA. You’re an adult. Your medical information is no one’s business except for yours. Tell them if you want to or don’t tell them if you don’t want to. I can see why you need therapy when your sister even tries to make your mental health about her. Maybe she should try being supportive instead so that you’re not having to visit a therapist to cope with her complaints about your mental health.
NTA. Seems your parents had bad taste in therapists for you. Such is life. God knows therapy didn’t work on me until I was an adult because I didn’t trust the therapists my parents picked. Healing isn’t linear, and your family should stop being butthurt about it. Maybe they ought to talk about whatever weird complex they have about you with their therapists.
Congrats on finding a therapist who works for you 🙂
NTA. You didn’t lie. You’re not obligated to share your medical history or treatment with anyone, especially not people who previously used that information against you. You’re an adult now, you’re allowed to set boundaries.
You’re completely valid in how you feel and I’m so sorry you’ve been through that. I wish you well in your future therapy sessions with this therapist and I wish you healing and peace from the intrusions of your family. Take care Redditor.
NTA
You have a right to keep things like this private.
Your other family members had no right to reveal this to others. They have proven that they can’t be trusted with sensitive information.
Good luck with everything. You have a right to privacy.
NTA at all. It sounds like what happened to you was very traumatic and happened on your parents’ watch. While it’s good they got you in therapy, therapy did not absolve them of their failures as parents, nor was it their place to direct the content of your therapy sessions, tell your story or update people on your recovery. Your family is not victimized by you not telling them you’re in therapy, nor should you feel that way.
The reason they’re upset is clear: they think a therapist who is operating outside of their influence will tell you they’re a big part of the problems in your life. It’s not your job to assuage this guilt; instead, it might be empowering to call a spade a spade. If they say these things again, here are some talking points:
* I did not tell you because I cannot trust you. You have shared private details about my therapy with others in the past and this hurt me deeply. Not telling you was the only way to prevent this from happening again.
* I did not tell you because this is a matter between me and my therapist and does not involve any of you. In the past, you tried to control the discussion and course of my therapy. I have intentionally prevented that from happening again.
* I did not tell you because it turns out it was you and your handling of traumatic events, rather than the traumatic events themselves, that prevented me from doing the work I needed to in therapy and led me to be an anxious person. Family should support, not victim-blame.
* When you were involved in my therapy, it just didn’t work. I’m finally making real progress and it’s because you’re not involved. Connect the dots.
>When I went to college, I told my parents that I was very anxious and panicked a lot and it was interfering with my ability to function. They said “We tried getting you help and you didn’t want it so now you need to get it yourself. We’re not helping you.”
Jesus, stop telling them stuff! They are just going to use it against you.
Your family has settled on a narrative about you and your sister that satisfies them. Now they will persist in casting everything you do as confirmation of their narrative.
Your best bet is to distance yourself from them. Emotionally if not physically. Don’t share intimate and personal information with them. Read up on how to gray rock. Nurture relationships with people outside of your nuclear family and focus your time and energy on things that keep you away from your nuclear family.
NTA
NTA sounds like you and your family need to take some GIANT steps back. They are unhelpful on the light side, actively damaging you on the heavy side. They may love you, but their actions are more self serving then designed to help you.
NTA You’re 19 and an adult. If your therapy is helping you, it’s a good thing. Seems like your family gets their guilt absolved by making you a scapegoat. They can f*** off.
JFC, therapy is not a community participation event. Your family have some deeply odd ideas. You keep on your path to healing, and ignore their flack. NTA.
It’s time to put your family on an information diet. You are an adult and entitled to your privacy so stop sharing so much with them. Don’t tell them you’re feeling anxious, full stop. They don’t need to know that you are in therapy, much less what you discuss there.
NTA
No one gets to decide when and how you heal. And then yelling at you, berating you, and talking about your journey to every damn person definitely doesn’t help.
They don’t get to decide what you talk about in therapy and they definitely don’t get to onow what you told your therapist.
They want to micromanage your life. I suffer from anxiety and it’s 100% due to my parents micromanage my life, feelings, and even my looks and how I dressed when I lived with them.
You are doing the right thing. Your getting help. Hopefully when you finish school you can move out on your own and put up some boundaries.
NTA
Please concentrate on you. Just yourself right now.
NTA. It is none of your family’s business in anyway.
NTA. You’re an adult, and your medical treatment of any kind is nobody else’s business.