Mobile so please excuse any errors.
I (27F) am 15 weeks pregnant with my second child. My grandma (73F) is my father’s (50M) mother. I am no contact with my father due to emotional and verbal abuse I experienced as a child/young adult (the last straw was when was I 23 – he called me a worthless pos who couldn’t do anything right). She has taken his side my entire life, always excused his behavior, and told me I just need to get over it because that’s how he is.
I have been no contact for 2 years now with my father and things have been awkward in the family. At first my grandma tried to get me to talk to my father and brush it under the rug, but when she saw I wasn’t budging she let it go. I told everyone in the family that my relationship with my father was separate and I had no hard feelings towards anyone else (I didn’t at the time – I knew grandma was trying to be connected to both of us) and that I wanted things to be as normal as possible. I would be perfectly polite and civil at all family events.
I visited my grandma many times afterwards, just her and I at her house, but I quickly realized that I was on the only one reaching out and trying to talk or hang out. If I wanted to visit, I had to call. If I wanted to talk, I had to call or text. She would never text or call me to chat or invite me over. Eventually, as I had my son (1.5), it got very tiring to be the only one to put effort in and communication dwindled. I do acknowledge that I am partly to blame for that.
However, I didn’t get invited to her birthday party last September, despite wishing her a happy birthday and asking to get together soon. Everyone else was invited, including my younger brother (21M). I reached out a couple times after to send pictures to her and ask to hang out but all she would send back was “cute” or smiling emoji. We got invited to Christmas, but not Easter. I haven’t reached out since because I was hurt by the lack of invite and she’s never tried to contact me. My brother would tell me about the dinners he was invited to (casually, not trying to rub it in. I’d ask what he was doing that night and he’d shrug and say “dinner with grandma”), the game nights they’d have, or when he’d go to Bingo with her. He doesn’t ever contact anyone (too busy with friends and living it up lol), so my guess is that she’s reaching out to set these up.
I went back and forth on whether or not I should tell her about the new baby. On one hand, it didn’t hurt me to just send a silly text. On the other hand, I felt I was obviously being slowly excluded from the family and her life, and didn’t see much point in sending anything. In my mind, it wasn’t like she was going to suddenly start taking an interest. I ended up not saying anything.
My brother let it slip last week to her that I was pregnant and apparently she got all teary eyed and said “well I guess I know where I stand.” So now I feel guilty and like it’s all my fault. AITA?
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Mobile so please excuse any errors.
I (27F) am 15 weeks pregnant with my second child. My grandma (73F) is my father’s (50M) mother. I am no contact with my father due to emotional and verbal abuse I experienced as a child/young adult (the last straw was when was I 23 – he called me a worthless pos who couldn’t do anything right). She has taken his side my entire life, always excused his behavior, and told me I just need to get over it because that’s how he is.
I have been no contact for 2 years now with my father and things have been awkward in the family. At first my grandma tried to get me to talk to my father and brush it under the rug, but when she saw I wasn’t budging she let it go. I told everyone in the family that my relationship with my father was separate and I had no hard feelings towards anyone else (I didn’t at the time – I knew grandma was trying to be connected to both of us) and that I wanted things to be as normal as possible. I would be perfectly polite and civil at all family events.
I visited my grandma many times afterwards, just her and I at her house, but I quickly realized that I was on the only one reaching out and trying to talk or hang out. If I wanted to visit, I had to call. If I wanted to talk, I had to call or text. She would never text or call me to chat or invite me over. Eventually, as I had my son (1.5), it got very tiring to be the only one to put effort in and communication dwindled. I do acknowledge that I am partly to blame for that.
However, I didn’t get invited to her birthday party last September, despite wishing her a happy birthday and asking to get together soon. Everyone else was invited, including my younger brother (21M). I reached out a couple times after to send pictures to her and ask to hang out but all she would send back was “cute” or smiling emoji. We got invited to Christmas, but not Easter. I haven’t reached out since because I was hurt by the lack of invite and she’s never tried to contact me. My brother would tell me about the dinners he was invited to (casually, not trying to rub it in. I’d ask what he was doing that night and he’d shrug and say “dinner with grandma”), the game nights they’d have, or when he’d go to Bingo with her. He doesn’t ever contact anyone (too busy with friends and living it up lol), so my guess is that she’s reaching out to set these up.
I went back and forth on whether or not I should tell her about the new baby. On one hand, it didn’t hurt me to just send a silly text. On the other hand, I felt I was obviously being slowly excluded from the family and her life, and didn’t see much point in sending anything. In my mind, it wasn’t like she was going to suddenly start taking an interest. I ended up not saying anything.
My brother let it slip last week to her that I was pregnant and apparently she got all teary eyed and said “well I guess I know where I stand.” So now I feel guilty and like it’s all my fault. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t tell my grandma that I was pregnant with my second baby because our relationship has been dwindling. I feel like I might be TA though because it doesn’t take long to send a text and my grandma is now upset that I didn’t tell her.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, she hasn’t made an effort to be in your life so she shouldn’t be surprised. However if you are upset by her lack of communication and want to improve your relationship I believe that direct communication is key. Tell her why you didn’t tell her and tell her that her actions have hurt you etc. be direct and honest
NTA
She hasn’t kept in touch with you and doesn’t reach out to you. She’s trying to make you feel guilty but it takes two people to have a relationship. If she wanted to be included in major life events she should have included you in her life events and kept touch. You tried to be involved in her life but you can’t be the only one trying.
> apparently she got all teary eyed and said “well I guess I know where I stand.”
NTA – Well, sounds like she was in no small part responsible for making the bed she now has to lie in, so I would not feel one tiny bit fucking guilty about it. Move on completely, she doesn’t seem worth the energy it would take.
NTA. People who enable and excuse abusers are also abusers, and abusers are not entitled to any information about your life. She chose to not have your back and let your father treat you horribly and instead exclude you from the family, so she made her bed and now she gets to lay in it.
NTA. She has been cruel and immature. She has taken your abusive father’s side. Here are the consequences.
You need stability. You need love. You can’t be managing a 75-year-old’s feelings and especially when she is determined to spend so much time playing the victim.
I hope you have access to counseling so that you can break the cycle of dysfunction with your own child. I’m not saying there’s something wrong with you. It’s that you need to set yourself up for success–a stable, loving relationship with your own child–and you may not have had those examples in your own upbringing. Good luck.
NTA. From what I’m seeing she purposefully left you out of family events/quality time. I have family like this, and in my experience being left out is because the member I have stopped communicating with is badmouthing me and they choose their side. She made her bed, she enabled her son, she chose to coddle him and not her grand-baby, she doesn’t speak to you to even give you the chance to tell her the news, so she didn’t hear about her great grand-baby. It’s not your job to cater to her feelings when she didn’t care about yours.
>However, I didn’t get invited to her birthday party last September, despite wishing her a happy birthday and asking to get together soon. Everyone else was invited, including my younger brother (21M). I reached out a couple times after to send pictures to her and ask to hang out but all she would send back was “cute” or smiling emoji
So I guess you know where you stand.
> she got all teary eyed and said “well I guess I know where I stand.”
And now she knows where she stands. She’s just reaping what she sowed. NTA.
NTA, to solve your issues tell your brother to not mention her around you any more and don’t have him talk about you to her. You are allowing a bully play the victim
I guess you know where your father got it from. NTA, and good job breaking the cycle.
You do not have to feel guilty when an old lady wants to play the victim… NTA
NTA she knows full well that she has made it a point to exclude you to punish you for being no contact with her son. she’s going to continue making you pay for that until you resume contact with him. she’ll send her flying monkey (your brother) to do her dirty work. i recommend therapy with a therapist who can help you fortify and strengthen your boundaries against manipulation like this.
Yeah now she knows her place. And there is nothing wrong you did. You don’t have to keep in contact with relatives you do not enjoy spending time with 🙂
NTA. She sounds exactly like your father
Trying to figure out why you even want her in your life. NTA.
NTA but WHY do you want a relationship with people on your father’s side? Just to be clear I mean his side conflict-wise not side of the family. Like if they’re on the side of your abusive father what merit do they have in your eyes to be deserving of a place in your life?
Yeah she knows where she stands. She’s known for a while now because she put herself there. She doesn’t contact you or invite you to spend time with her but she does this with your brother? She put herself outside of your busy life. You didn’t do that.
Your brother should have asked her why you’re not at the same dinners she invites him to.
NTA
NTA She is standing exactly where she walked herself to. Phones ring both ways.
Your grandma only cares about boys. NTA.
NTA All you did was match the energy. It’s not only on you to maintain a relationship. There’s the saying that it takes two to tangle. She FAFO on ignoring and dismissing any involvement with you.
She guesses she knows where she stands? She is either manipulative or delusional or both. You do not have to keep people in your life just because they are related by blood. If she is bringing you more pain than joy then is it really worth it? NTA but I’d spend some time thinking hard about what you want your life to look like and what you want your baby’s life to look like. Is this someone you want influencing your child?
NTA….Grandma guesses she knows where she stands? The one who put herself in the position she is in?
Nope. You have nothing to be guilty for. You have tried to reach out. She has ignored you and has not bothered to invite you to events. She chose your father over you.
Her actions have consequences. Now, if she wants to be involved, you let her contact you. If she truly does, she will do so. Just because she is your elder does not mean you have to play into her games.
Don’t do that! She was fine not talking to you but is hurt not being included in baby news!? That’s crappy treatment, let it go! You can’t make people love you or get them to be nice to you. Just let it go. She’ll call when she needs something from you!
I hate to say it, but your grandma has quietly cut you out of her life. She’s still siding with her son. She’ll be cordial if you show up, but she’s not going to include you in anything she’s doing.
You might be. If you go no contact without explaining to your Grandma, she may have assumed that she was also on the black list.
Also, you do not say how old your Grandmother is. Her reaction at the end sounds like she may not understand either your position or how you feel about things.
It sounds like the relationship is important to you, so maybe make a little extra effort. Send her a thoughtful letter and let her know exactly where she stands. Grandparents don’t live forever.
Updateme
NTA – if she is defending his attitude he learned it somewhere. She raised him. Also she is manipulating you. Do what you like if she wants something she knows where the phone is.
NTA, my advice is to tell her how you feel. Maybe she wasn’t the one who planned her party, so maybe she thinks you just didn’t show.
Either way, fell her how you feel, and if she’s anything but nice then you know she’s the problem.
And if she chooses to blame you, or just not be nice, then you don’t want your kids around that. You don’t want them picking up on that behavior. Even at 1.5, kids that age pick up on things. And right now that’s shaping their core world view they’ll have the rest of their lives.
NTA. You’re matching her energy. Nothing to see here.