My youngest daughter Tilly was the first to have kids and I absolutely doted on my grandson Cooper (24). His dad is a marine and was constantly on deployment so I was always around to fill in.. Me and Cooper used to be the closest….I took him hunting, helped him with football and baseball and played video games with him. It was like having the son I never had and he was by far my favorite grandkids. That all changed when he was 16 and he broke down in that hospital bed about his piece of shit boyfriend and my ignorant former beliefs ruined everything..
I couldn’t believe he was gay much less with some boy like that.. I couldn’t accept it and I said horrible things calling him weak for letting that happen and then shunning him the way I did.. I’m honestly glad now that Tilly and his dad and most of the family did way better than I did. After a while I started realizing how lonely it was without my former sidekick and how badly I missed having a relationship with my grandson. It took me a while to really learn and change my views and I’ve tried reaching out over the years ,but he shunned me right back. He’d even return gifts and money. Tilly’s tried to keep me abreast of going ons with him.
He got married a few weeks ago to this really nice guy he met in college. I know that they really couldn’t afford the wedding they wanted soo I gave Tilly the money for the boys wedding and I told her to say it was the money from his unused college fund.. I didn’t want him to feel pressured but I still wanted to do something for him. A few days ago he’s knocking on my door at 8 in the morning pissed off. I ask what’s wrong and he angrly ask me why I didn’t tell him I paid for everything. Tilly apparently told him in effort to get him to talk to me. I told him I just wanted to do something for him. He yells at me that he never asked for that and I had no right to stain his wedding with my selfish need for his forgiveness. I tried to explain it wasn’t like that and how he wasn’t supposed to know. He says I should’ve have told him and he wouldn’t have accepted it if he had known. I told him I missed him and how sorry I was and he just started crying and told me I didn’t get to do that and stormed off and left. AITA?
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My youngest daughter Tilly was the first to have kids and I absolutely doted on my grandson Cooper (24). His dad is a marine and was constantly on deployment so I was always around to fill in.. Me and Cooper used to be the closest….I took him hunting, helped him with football and baseball and played video games with him. It was like having the son I never had and he was by far my favorite grandkids. That all changed when he was 16 and he broke down in that hospital bed about his piece of shit boyfriend and my ignorant former beliefs ruined everything..
I couldn’t believe he was gay much less with some boy like that.. I couldn’t accept it and I said horrible things calling him weak for letting that happen and then shunning him the way I did.. I’m honestly glad now that Tilly and his dad and most of the family did way better than I did. After a while I started realizing how lonely it was without my former sidekick and how badly I missed having a relationship with my grandson. It took me a while to really learn and change my views and I’ve tried reaching out over the years ,but he shunned me right back. He’d even return gifts and money. Tilly’s tried to keep me abreast of going ons with him.
He got married a few weeks ago to this really nice guy he met in college. I know that they really couldn’t afford the wedding they wanted soo I gave Tilly the money for the boys wedding and I told her to say it was the money from his unused college fund.. I didn’t want him to feel pressured but I still wanted to do something for him. A few days ago he’s knocking on my door at 8 in the morning pissed off. I ask what’s wrong and he angrly ask me why I didn’t tell him I paid for everything. Tilly apparently told him in effort to get him to talk to me. I told him I just wanted to do something for him. He yells at me that he never asked for that and I had no right to stain his wedding with my selfish need for his forgiveness. I tried to explain it wasn’t like that and how he wasn’t supposed to know. He says I should’ve have told him and he wouldn’t have accepted it if he had known. I told him I missed him and how sorry I was and he just started crying and told me I didn’t get to do that and stormed off and left. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Upsetting my grandson. Having Tilly lie doing something I knew Cooper didnt want..messing up his happy day.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
YTA. You paid for his wedding out of guilt, you asked him Mom to lie about where the money came from. Rather than just owning up to your behaviour, apologizing and then giving him the space to decide if he wanted to forgive you.
I think we can probably all just take it as agreed that you absolutely were a massive asshole when he first came out, but that’s not really the question.
Would you have been an asshole if you’d tried to buy your way back in to his life? Possibly, I think.
But were you an asshole for helping out in secret with – given that it was a secret – no expectation of gaining anything? I can’t see how you would be.
So, despite everything else, on the issue at hand now, I think you’re NTA. But also a cautionary tale.
ESH
You suck for how you treated him in the past
Tilly sucks for telling him who funded the wedding
And he sucks for yelling about his wedding being paid for by you
Of course he’s not going to forgive you for how you treated him and that’s justifiable but the wedding had already been paid for and Tilly and you should’ve not said anything to begin with.
NAH. Sounds like you’ve genuinely grown as a person and have true contrition for your old beliefs and actions. Looks like a selfless decision made with good intensions, that backfired.
Doesn’t erase the harm you did to your grandson, I would be surprised and not judgemental if he never came ’round. A father figure shunning you like that isn’t something that gets to be forgiven after an apology.
YTA. You tried to buy your way back into your grandson’s life after you literally destroyed him. You don’t get to come back from that on your timeline.
Now you get to live with your bigotry. Good for you that you think you’ve changed; your grandson doesn’t. And it’s his opinion that matters here, not your little feelings.
If, and only if, your grandson decides he wants to forgive you, then and only then should you try again. He has made it crystal-clear that your guilt is not his problem. Stop trying to make it his problem. Own it, live with it, and maybe one day, he’ll forgive you.
But I doubt it.
NTA. I think you did the right thing and kept it private and secret and didn’t insist that he forgive you. You know you did wrong by him and you wanted to make a dream of his come true. He doesn’t owe you forgiveness, but he’s completely overlooking that you didn’t do this to be forgiven, you did it to atone for what you did before. That’s why you kept it private. He clearly has things to work out because he still feels so deeply betrayed. Maybe he will be able to speak to you again. Maybe not. But this isn’t something you did wrong and his feelings about it are complicated.
Of course you didn’t tell him anything because he made it clear he didn’t want to hear from you. You respected that boundary. I understand why your daughter told him, but that clearly backfired. Resolutions are not always neatly tied up like the end of a tv show.
Well you were an asshole. And that has had lasting and really sad consequences.
You rejected him and berated him at a time he needed you most. He does not owe you forgiveness.
Have you learned the error and cost of your ways? Are you genuinely sorry? I think so. I also think your motivation was not to make him indebted to you or to force his hand but to try to do something kind. But you went about it the wrong way. You deceived him and embroiled others in that deception.
I think his tears on your doorstep speak of his sadness as well as anger and hurt.
If I was you I would write to him. Tell him you are not owed his forgiveness but you are sorry for the awful and bigoted way you treated him. He should have been able to expect your support and you failed him and hurt him. That the views you held were wrong and lost you someone you love dearly. That your intention for the wedding was to give him the day he and his husband deserve and that you didn’t want him to know or feel manipulated.
Whilst your motivation was not bad and I say this sadly, YTA, You knew he would not accept the gift if he knew where it came from. You need to respect that until and unless he can build something from the ruins of this sad story.
I would suggest showing him you are putting some real effort in, by joining support groups that help people come out as gay, join in with gay voluntary activities, experience Pride etc
Show him that you have really come around. Actions mean more than words.