Okay, so I’m going to keep this as short as possible. I (25F) have a male best friend (29M) who has feelings for me. Let’s call him E.
E told me he’s in love with me a few months ago.
I love and care about him, but not in the same way. I’ve been completely open and honest about how I feel and where he stands with me. Despite that, he’s chosen to continue spending a lot of time with me and seeing me regularly. He even refers to me as his best friend to others.
I’ve recently met someone else, and we’re seeing where things go – going on dates, flirting, etc. We haven’t slept together, and we’re taking things really slow.
My female best friend (at the time) took it upon herself to tell E that I’m seeing someone, and told me she has no respect for how I manage my relationships. She said he deserved to know as I’m wrong for not telling E about the guy I’m seeing, since he’s inlove with me.
AITA for not telling E first or at all? They both feel that I am, but I feel like
1. There was nothing to tell (I wasn’t officially dating or sleeping with anyone)
2. I’ve done my part by being open and honest with E about my feelings towards him since the start. He knows I see him as just a friend.
Comments
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Okay, so I’m going to keep this as short as possible. I (25F) have a male best friend (29M) who has feelings for me. Let’s call him E.
E told me he’s in love with me a few months ago.
I love and care about him, but not in the same way. I’ve been completely open and honest about how I feel and where he stands with me. Despite that, he’s chosen to continue spending a lot of time with me and seeing me regularly. He even refers to me as his best friend to others.
I’ve recently met someone else, and we’re seeing where things go – going on dates, flirting, etc. We haven’t slept together, and we’re taking things really slow.
My female best friend (at the time) took it upon herself to tell E that I’m seeing someone, and told me she has no respect for how I manage my relationships. She said he deserved to know as I’m wrong for not telling E about the guy I’m seeing, since he’s inlove with me.
AITA for not telling E first or at all? They both feel that I am, but I feel like
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I know deep down that if E knew I was seeing someone else, I might lose him. He might see me less, and show less care towards me. Right now, he’s all I have. I don’t want to lose that.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
ESH. If you told your female best friend, you should have told your male best friend too, right? Or is the male friend actually not that good a friend? Or did you withhold the information because he has feelings for you, in which case are you trying to lead him on, or why else would you not tell him that you’re dating someone? Also your female best friend went behind your back and told another friend your business? What kind of friend is that?
YTA for friend-zoning the guy. You need to cut hanging out with that guy, your distracting him from finding someone else. The fact you held off telling him your had a BF shows you were taking advantage of the situation.
NTA.
But you need to distance yourself from E. It’s not healthy for either of you. And as far as the friend, I would give that some space as well. Can’t move forward with this two anchors attached to you.
NTA, you never have to tell anyone about your relationship status. But E is not your friend. He’s just waiting in the wings for an opportunity that will never come. I believe you’re a bit naive as to what expectations E has here. Your female friend has apparently figured it out though, so it’s obvious enough what’s actually going on here.
NTA, but I would have mentioned it to him if you did to her because it either was something worth mentioning or it wasn’t and if they’re both your best friends and you feel the same way about them both, they should be treated equally, but I don’t agree that you were leading him on if you did honestly say upfront that you weren’t interested romantically. If E gets rebuffed and the only reason he was still your friend was because he was hoping you’d eventually change your mind, that’s on him. I would however distance yourself from him going forward if only to protect your peace
If you care about E and love E and want the best for E then you have to let E go. E will always be holding out hope that he can be with you regardless of what you’ve said. As long as he is in love with you he will never be able to find happiness with someone who loves him and will fall in love with him. He will always hold back in the hope that one day you will fall in love with him too. I’m sure you believe he deserves to have someone be in love with him how he is with them so, as someone who cares for him, give him the space and time to find that.
I’ll go with NTA for not telling him but it is telling that you told your female “best friend” but not your male “best friend”. Please, let him fly
NTA. You told E where you stand. If he wanted to hang around after that, well that’s on him. Also glad you got rid of that other friend. She seems like a drama starter.
He’s not your “male best friend”. He’s a stray puppy who follows you around.
YTA
1 – You told your girl friend about the guy but not your guy friend? You’re treating them differently, meaning you’re still recognizing that while you have him in friend zone, you’re still treating him like a ‘potential’ bf?
2 – You can’t be friends with someone who has feelings for you. You have to distance yourself. Of course the one ‘in love’ with you will want to stay close, and you’re the one supposedly with the platonic level headed brain, you have to end or severly downgrade the friendship so that you’re not hanging out all the time. Don’t you care about his feelings?
You’re playing a dangerous, unfair game.
Let him go.
You think you’re being kind to your male friend, but you’re actually making him think there’s a chance. Do you love drama?
NTA. I don’t understand what your female friend is doing, tbh. She should have brought these concerns up with you and told you that she didn’t feel comfortable about being the only one knowing, so that you could have the chance to tell him – the way she did this does not make anything better for anyone, it just causes drama and hurt.
I do think it’s good if he knows, but I also understand you, you’re trying to be considerate of his feelings. In the end, it will help him to move on if he knows you are seeing someone. So if he and you can talk about this, that’s probably good, and if you can talk to her as well and the two of you can figure out some boundaries it might be a good idea going forward, because she was doing the wrong thing here.
YTA
YTA. Weird to keep someone like that in your life if you’re dating someone, then not tell either about the other it sounds like, and now your friend has to break the bad news.
YTA. You knew this man had feelings for you, yet still strung him along like he really was your friend and not someone you were using as an emotional outlet. Now that you found a man, who would threaten your orbiter, you lied to him so you wouldn’t have to feel any discomfort.
NTA – you have no reason to tell anyone about your business that you don’t want to/aren’t ready to share. It is very manipulative of your best friend to go to E behind you back LET ALONE try to make you feel bad/wrong for not telling him. It shows that she holds E’s well being above your trust and boundaries.
This is purely speculation but I wouldn’t be surprised if she has feelings for E and that’s why she is favoring him over you. I also wouldn’t keep either of them as your best friends and downgrade them to acquaintances at best, as one doesn’t respect your boundaries and the other seems to be taking advantage of your friendship for their own gain. I’ll let you be the judge of which is which.
Mild YTA. If he hadn’t told you he loves you would you have told him about the other guy? You can have a guy that’s a friend, but you can’t have a guy that’s in love with you as a friend. It might feed your ego having him around, but he’s never going to move on as long as you’re friends. You need to distance yourself
NTA. Despite what some other people will tell you, it’s not your job to share information you’re not ready to share with E in order to convince him that you’re actually not interested in him. You’ve told him how you feel and he should choose to believe the words coming out of your mouth. It’s also not your job to “set him free.” He’s a grown man who can make his own choices.
YTA, by withholding this information from him you were the exact opposite of open and honest with him.
E knows you’re not interested in him as anything more than a friend.
He knows what he needs to know.
You don’t have to tell him you’re seeing someone.
NTA
NTA
You understand your male “best friend” is only being your “best friend” in the hopes you’re gonna change your mind right? He’s made his intentions perfectly clear.
You can’t be this naive, so by not telling your “best friend” you’re seeing someone which is something we would all usually tell our “best friend” it seems like you’re purposefully withholding this information to keep stringing him along.
YTA. You know he has feelings for you yet you’re still leading him on and being his “best friend” without telling him you’re dating someone. You’re behaving more like a teenager than an adult who knows how to communicate and manage relationships with others.
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NTA. Y’all are not romantically involved at all and you have made it clear to him that you will not be more than friends. You don’t owe it to him to tell him every time you’re interested in someone else. Side note, a friendship with one sided romantic love never ends well. Best of luck
Women can have platonic relationships with men but men cannot have platonic relationships with men. It’s just the way our brains work. E has told you he loves you and there’s no coming back from that. He’ll forever wait in the wings for you to “change your mind”. His friendship w/ you probably started from an attraction and if he’s just now telling you, he’s been noodling on it for awhile.
If you form a committed relationship w/ new guy (or any other guy), I would suggest to cut E loose. He would have the potential to be detrimental to your relationship, especially since he’s attracted to you. Your focus should shift to your mate and they will become like a best friend.
I’m not too keen on ditching friends for relationships, but it takes careful consideration when they’re the opposite/attracting sex AND have already declared their love/attraction.
Are you the AH though? Nah, he probably made it awkward by saying he loves you and you were like bro, you ruined that one. (Which is ALSO something HE had kept from you for ‘x’ period of time).
NTA but cut E off. You aren’t best friends if he’s pandering after you and its unrequited.
ESH You at least don’t give a shot about this “friend ” if you can lie to yourself about what your dynamic with him is. An omission of the truth/dynamic changing information is a lie imo. That said, your female friend sucks and he is clearly hoping you’ll change your mind
NTA. You told him you weren’t interested in dating him. That’s sufficent.
You don’t need to tell him everytime you go on a casual date, and the only reason why he would care is because he’s still holding out hope despite you telling him you’re not interested.
He’s your best friend but you didn’t want to tell him you were dating someone? You should look at why you felt you couldn’t tell your best friend something like that and reevaluate whether they’re actually your best friend.
NTA. Your “male best friend” is sticking around in the hopes of one day pulling the “platonic friend back-door gambit” – the hope that if he is friendly enough for long enough, one day you’ll see him as more than just a friend. Ditch him.
I have questions.
1- When you told him you didn’t feel the same, did you give him the space to distance himself from you or did you keep going after him and trying to keep contact “because he’s my friend”?
2- When you told him you didn’t feel the same, what did he say and how did he react?
Based ONLY on what is written I would say NTA. If you told him clearly how you feel and don’t feel and if you gave him the space to get over you and get distanced, then there’s no much you can do. A common thing in these situations is that often people (not specifically guys or girls), but the person who is in love with someone that does not feel the same, they often choose by themselves to stay in the same situation on the hope that you will change your mind or “they will come around and realise they were wrong”. I didn’t see any signs (at least from this text) that you did things to lead him on purposely, so I will guess that this is the case, he probably thought that “it’s better to have her as a friend than not have her at all” and clinged himself on the hope that someday you would like him back or feel the same way for him. If this is the case, then it’s nothing you could have done.
NTA with a very gentle ESH.
I realize you’re trying to spare the guys feelings and your other friend thinks she’s doing the both of you a favor, but the only thing that in the long run that will actually help the guy move on is being EXPLICIT that it’s not going to happen and to put distance between the two of you.
Maybe then two of you can be friends in the future, but it will take time – a lot longer than you think – for him to move on.
Unless you’re back-burnering the guy in which case you suck.
Source: been in every part of this situation. I actually like the guy she married a lot more than I like her these days lmao and adore their kids.
NTA you have no obligation to him regarding his unanswered feelings for you. You have treated him well, and do not owe him a relationship just because he wants one. Nor do you owe him updates on your romantic life just because he wants to keep track of his already non-existant chances to make you change your mind.
If you are being open and honest with him then you should also be consistent and tell him you are seeing someone else.
If he really is in love with you then try to distance yourself….. it will be very difficult for him to rationalise things and do this himself. You can’t be best friends with someone when there is unilateral love / romantic feelings. It won’t end well. Mild YTA
If a guy has feelings for you he’s not a friend and you need to stop treating him like one. I guarantee you he will, and probably has, try to wreck any relationship you have and speak negatively about any guy in your life
YTA
you told your “female best friend” but not your “male best friend”. weird that you would treat them different. you’re the same as every other girl who strings a guy along in the friend zone for your own benefit.
YTA In a couple of days I feel like we are going to see a post from your new boyfriend saying his new girlfriend kept her boy best friend a secret because hes in love with her, and should it be a deal breaker for him?? And everyone is going to scream that obviously she kept it a secret because shes in love with the best friend or wants to keep him on the line when things dont work out.
NTA. Are you supposed to give him a heads up every time you go on a date? No. If you posted about discussing your life with someone who says they’re in love with you, you’d be called cruel. Can’t win.
You’ve been up front with your feelings. Ignore the comments telling you you’re leading him on. It’s his decision to stay friends with you after you rejected him. You don’t owe him details of who you see.
>I love and care about him, but not in the same way. I’ve been completely open and honest about how I feel and where he stands with me. Despite that, he’s chosen to continue spending a lot of time with me and seeing me regularly. He even refers to me as his best friend to others.
He’s waiting in the friend zone for his shot and hyping up what relationship he does have with you to his friends.
You know this. Your female best friend knows this. She overstepped by pulling the trigger that you should have, but you definitely should have.
YTA
ESH
The only innocent is the new guy
Soft YTA. I learned this the hard way when I was younger. You can be totally up front, someone else can say they are fine with things, but you can still hurt someone even under those circumstances. You’re on a path to hurting someone so that makes you an asshole. Even if you don’t intend to.
You should have a frank conversation with E and take some space from him.
OP, your friend “E” is romantically in love with you, and you are not romantically in love with him. He may call himself your best friend but in reality he’s hanging on, on the chance that you will come around to feeling the same way.
Despite your honesty with E about your feelings, you must recognize that this creates a really dysfunctional relationship between you two and it’s probably not sustainable.
Having said all that, I don’t think you are obligated to share with E anything that you don’t want to share. Including details about whom you’re dating. He’ll find out in time and that discovery will cause some kind of reset in your relationship, I’m sure.
Beyond your question, though: I would advise you to get some distance from E. You two need to untangle your relationship because it’s not healthy.
NTA.
Yes, you are. You’ve friend zoned E and are using him. Arguably, it’s emotionally abusive. You should tell him he’s a great guy and all that good stuff, but that your relationship isn’t healthy. Move on
YTA. You know exactly what you’re doing.
YTA. 100%
He “loves” you. He calls you his best friend. You’re keeping him at arms length, and while you’ve been honest about how you feel it’s not enough. You’re keeping him around knowing both of those facts. Yet, now you don’t even treat him as a friend, let alone close or best friend.
Why did you keep this budding romance from him? Seriously, this is the question you must answer for yourself. Thus, now you are in a position where you have violated the friendship aspect between you and E. This is why you’re the A. You’re either friends with E or you are not, and you just proved you are not by lying to him. In this case, omission is a lie. Especially because it’s gone on long enough that another friend intervened.
NTA
But rethink your relationship with E. If he can’t handle you having a lover, then maybe he’s not your best friend
If you truly considered him just a friend you should have no issues mentioning you were dating someone. If you want him to move on from you but still hang out with you as a friend you need to be open about this with him.
YTA for continuing this “friendship” knowing E is in love with you.
ESH. He needs to get over you, you need to let him go. This can’t and won’t be a healthy friendship with such and unbalanced expectation dynamic.
Also dont absolve yourself of agency “he has chosen to spend a lot of time with me” So he unilaterally decided and you just have to go along with it?
With how your wording this I suspect you fully understand the one sided dynamic your benefiting from here.
” Let’s call him E. E told me he’s in love with me a few months ago.”
YTA for stringing him along knowing how he feels about you. That friendship should have ended there. He’s not your “best friend” if you kept that you were seeing someone from him. You not telling him is leading him on and that’s regardless if you tell him that you have no interest in him as a lover. Your actions spoke louder than your words on this one. Your female friend is correct on this one and I’ll probably get downvoted for this.
He’s still your best friend. Shouldn’t best friends in general be keeping each other in the know about people they’re seeing? And for all we know, he might have given up on the idea of a relationship with you in favor of maintaining the friendship. It’s been months, after all.
Neither of these people are your “best friend.” It’s totally fine if you don’t want to tell him about seeing someone (likely because you don’t want to hurt his feelings until it’s something real) but if you can’t then he’s not your best friend. And your other friend is a terrible friend. She could have voiced her opinion to you, but to take it upon herself to tell this guy something you hadn’t wanted to yet, makes her a bad friend.
Nta. Don’t listen to the losers saying yta. It’s none of his business and you’ve made it clear you only see him as a friend.
NTA. It’s not your fault that he’s keeping himself in the pain zone, and his romantic feelings aren’t your responsibility. You two stopped being genuine friends the moment he confessed AND he kept being close to you in hopes that you’d give him a chance. You’re under no obligation to go out of your way to keep him “in the loop” about your romantic life when you’ve made it crystal clear that he won’t be part of it.
He can either decide that he can’t handle it when you’re dating around and therefore keep distance from you (or end his own friendzone existence by ending the friendship), or he can decide that he CAN handle you dating and CAN keep his feelings in check, and that includes that he accepts that you will date with or without his knowledge about it. Imagine the audacity to confess to a friend, get rejected in a very straightforward manner, and then getting all whiny about how the person who rejected you, is now dating other people lol. Ya’ll need to learn how to take accountability for your own emotions and how to handle them. Just because someone else’s actions hurt you, doesn’t mean that they’re wrong in their actions.
To be honest, I’d cut him loose and distance myself from the female friend that thinks that you and this “friend” need a babysitter to sort things out. It would be something else if you were stringing him along, but you’re not. He’s stringing himself along and he’s developed an awful sense of entitlement about your dating life, it seems.
ESH. While you don’t necessarily owe him an explanation about your dating life, it’s a bad idea to keep a friend around who’s in love with you while entering into a relationship with someone else. You should be distancing yourself from him for everyone’s sake.
NTA. If your friend feels any kind of way about you dating someone then it’s his fault for staying in a situation and accepting the consolation prize of friendship. If he feels so strongly he should’ve removed himself from the friendship. That’s the only thing you can really do when your feelings don’t match.