I (22F) am dating a WOMAN (24f). She has a very androgynous look to her, likes dressing masculine (suits, baggy clothes etc), has short hair, is 175cm, has a pretty deeper voice, is flat and ironically has a gender neutral name, Alex.
I know how you might look at her and think “oh that’s a short dude with a higher pitched voice for a man”. I honestly like that about her. I’ve always been fond of the androgynous look in people and obviously it’s good when it comes to safety since in public people often do confuse her for a dude and us for a straight couple.
My family met her 2 years ago and I thought it would be obvious she wasn’t a dude. I also made that assumption since for example my sister and grandmother both with completely different views in life and gender roles clocked that she’s a girl. In general it also isn’t a secret, I just never said “hey this is a girl”.
Anyways, now to around a week ago. I honestly don’t even remember the actual conversation but somehow at dinner at my parents place it finally clicked that Alex isn’t a male Alex but a female one lol. I could see their face drop and they were just off for the rest of the dinner. We went home with female Alex and my parents called me over the next day.
They weren’t angry per say put seemed kinda weirded out? They know I’m not straight but it seems like they only digested that information now. They were upset about Alex being the female kind and for me not specifying. They also had issues with Alex dressing so masculine and “basically being a man” so it didn’t make sense for us not to be straight.
They started reminiscing about the past of our relationship and became even more disgusted remembering that Alex has gone topless around them (at the beach or wearing an unbuttoned dress shirt). I kinda didn’t have an answer since like I said, I never hid Alex’s gender and everyone else just figured it out. Therefore I also didn’t think to address the toplessness or masculine side of her.
I honestly don’t know what to think. I’m not hurt or annoyed, it’s just odd? I told Alex and she just laughed and didn’t take it to heart either. My parents seem to be the only ones upset but I don’t know if I’m supposed to do something about it or just let them digest all this new information? Also just in general AITA?
EDIT: hi I promise I’m trying to reply, new comment are just coming in so fast!
Addressing some things
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We don’t use gender pronouns where I’m from so they could have talked about her with the wrong pronouns and like I said, I never explicitly said “this is a woman”
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I get nudity is a huge taboo to a lot of people but where I’m from it is more normalised. All genders can go topless legally. There are a lot of nudist beaches here. Families, strangers and in general people of all genders can go to a sauna together naked and it isn’t weird.
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It wasn’t an explosive fight, more like them being upset that I “wasn’t honest”. Small bickering if you will.
EDIT 2: hi, still trying to keep up with yall lol, thank you very much for all comments!
- More about the toplessness: Alex is as flat as a board, it’s not an insult just a fact, even she says it. If I showed you a picture of her torso you would think “oh that’s a scrawny teenager” lol. She is as flat as a guy might me
More about the chest as well: my issue with them having an issue with it is that 1. they let my BIL run around in his speedos and go shirtless when he pleases 2. They only decided it was a problem once they realised it wasn’t a man’s chest
- To all of yall who guessed I’m Finnish, yup you got it! I guess the sauna was a giveaway lol! Congrats to yall detectives.
(Hän, hänen, hänellä, hänelle), are a few examples of ways to refer to a person in Finnish, they apply to all genders.
Comments
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I (22F) am dating a WOMAN (24f). She has a very androgynous look to her, likes dressing masculine (suits, baggy clothes etc), has short hair, is 175cm, has a pretty deeper voice, is flat and ironically has a gender neutral name, Alex.
I know how you might look at her and think “oh that’s a short dude with a higher pitched voice for a man”. I honestly like that about her. I’ve always been fond of the androgynous look in people and obviously it’s good when it comes to safety since in public people often do confuse her for a dude and us for a straight couple.
My family met her 2 years ago and I thought it would be obvious she wasn’t a dude. I also made that assumption since for example my sister and grandmother both with completely different views in life and gender roles clocked that she’s a girl. In general it also isn’t a secret, I just never said “hey this is a girl”.
Anyways, now to around a week ago. I honestly don’t even remember the actual conversation but somehow at dinner at my parents place it finally clicked that Alex isn’t a male Alex but a female one lol. I could see their face drop and they were just off for the rest of the dinner. We went home with female Alex and my parents called me over the next day.
They weren’t angry per say put seemed kinda weirded out? They know I’m not straight but it seems like they only digested that information now. They were upset about Alex being the female kind and for me not specifying. They also had issues with Alex dressing so masculine and “basically being a man” so it didn’t make sense for us not to be straight.
They started reminiscing about the past of our relationship and became even more disgusted remembering that Alex has gone topless around them (at the beach or wearing an unbuttoned dress shirt). I kinda didn’t have an answer since like I said, I never hid Alex’s gender and everyone else just figured it out. Therefore I also didn’t think to address the toplessness or masculine side of her.
I honestly don’t know what to think. I’m not hurt or annoyed, it’s just odd? I told Alex and she just laughed and didn’t take it to heart either. My parents seem to be the only ones upset but I don’t know if I’m supposed to do something about it or just let them digest all this new information? Also just in general AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t tell my parents the specifics of my relationship and my partner being a woman therefore letting them think she’s a man and that has caused tension since they think I’m binding things / lying
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA but kinda funny that she didn’t fit their criteria enough to notice.
You’re telling me in 2 years you’ve never once used a pronoun for Alex? And neither have your parents? I just don’t understand how this could go for 2 years without anyone realizing the misunderstanding.
NTA. It’s your relationship and when it comes down to it, how you handle the conversations down the line is entirely up to you and Alex.
NTA, hopefully NAH in the future. Parents aren’t handling it very well, but hopefully it’s just the (for them) shock, and they pull out and fly steady once they have digested. It is likely a bigger surprise to them to find out someone they’ve had a mental conception of for some time is not who they thought than it would have been to simply meet her as a woman to begin with. However, none of that is on you, and is theirs to deal with. The only slight issue I have here, is the toplessness. I am no proponent of prudishness, and I can separate nudity from sexuality. However, I think there’s still an element of consent playing around the corners there. I would find it a little weird to have someone in a party be topless (unless you were at a clothing optional beach) in a setting where that would not be socially expected, without talking to everyone. Not saying permission, but I think it would be something I’d broach with people. Not the same as genitalia, sure, but still just slightly off. I’m sure there’s more of a story there. Other people’s comfort isn’t your burden to carry, but there’s also give and take with comfort between us all. This one skirts a little closer to that consent issue.
INFO: When did you realize your family was misgendering Alex? That – the first time, essentially – would have been the time to tactfully, privately, or whatnot, make sure they knew her pronouns.
Their reaction here is a bit strange. It could stem from embarrassment or self-consciousness that they might have referred to her incorrectly – or simply had the wrong impression of her – for weeks or more without being corrected. But it also seems to be colored by a lot of bias and confusion on their part, which is not fair for them to push onto you, like the suggestion that you (both? lol) should just be straight since Alex presents in a more masculine way. Were they saying that Alex is or should identify as a male (trans) since she presents so masc? Obviously, there is ignorance in play here but it might not be mean-spirited. For me, whether you’re an AH comes down to whether you acted sufficiently to clarify it for them, to avoid their embarrassment.
NTA I don’t really see what the issue is? Also they already knew you’re not straight.
Although I see how it puts them in an uncomfortable situation where they maybe misgender your gf or similar.
But hey older generations have an old fashioned way of seeing sexuality so this may just be uncomfortable to them because it’s new to them :/
I mean, plenty of folks would get weirded out that they’ve had to look at your girlfriend’s tits. As much as it “shouldn’t matter” it does to many people.
NAH. Why would you be upset with your parents? They didn’t even do anything except tell you they feel like they were lied too. It doesn’t seem like it was that big of a deal that it was a woman after all.
The only way you would be “hurt” or “annoyed” is if they acted like jerks about it but they clearly didnt. They just needed to have the situation explained to them. Unless they followed this up with some sort of phobic actions then they are doing just fine.
INFO
Did they actually imply you were at fault for not explicitly stating her gender? Because there doesn’t seem like a conflict here – just two middle aged people mortified and a little uncomfortable to discover they misgendered someone for two years.
I mean… I’d also be mortified if I found out I’d misgendered someone for two years. But that doesn’t mean anyone is an AH.
NTA. This is like weaponized incompetence. They weren’t lied to, and it’s been enough time that any reasonable person would’ve figured it out, regardless of views on gender expression.
Ignorance doesn’t excuse stupid. Let them be upset you can’t change that but remember this cause their attitude will probably only get worse and be more vocal about their stupidity in front of your partner.
They were fine with Alex being topless when they thought she was a man but not okay now they know she’s a woman? That tells me everything about them that I need to know and I wouldn’t keep people like them in my life. Misogynists will never change.
NTA.
You said your parents knew that you weren’t straight prior to this relationship, so it’s likely they had hoped you “changed your mind” and decided to date a man. That’s their mistake, their smallmindedness, and their issue to overcome.
They’re likely now dealing with 1) the embarrassment of being dumb about an assumption they made for two years, especially when they seem to be the only ones to have made that assumption and 2) the disappointment that you are indeed queer after all.
Again, their mistake. Their problem.
Regarding them being upset about Alex having their shirt unbuttoned in front of them, I would challenge you to call them out for being sexist. If they weren’t uncomfortable about the situation when they thought she was a man, they have no reason to retroactively become uncomfortable about it now they know she’s a woman. Both men and women have nipples. Society has decided that they’re inappropriate on women and not men. That’s not your problem.
How did this go 2 years without anyone using a pronoun?
INFO
NTA. You didn’t hide it from them, and you didn’t realise they had the wrong end of the stick. Their criticism of her wardrobe is ridiculous.
The going topless thing you’ll need to explain though. Even flat chested women do not look like men with their shirts off. So I’m not sure how this did not clue them in.
NAH to soft YTA. Nothing is necessarily mean spirited and it’s good that Alex doesn’t seem hurt by any of this, but I can see why your parents would be kinda rightfully pissed that for 2 years you let them carry on thinking your partner was the wrong gender. It’s not a bigotry thing, it’s just a common courtesy thing making them kinda look like insensitive jerks, sort of like you just casually let them call Alex by the wrong name the whole time without mentioning it.
NYA we are in 2025. My heart goes out yo you OP. It’s not like that in progressive areas like Hawaii. Virtual hugs 🥰
NTA. My best friend’s mom once spent three years thinking her daughter’s roommate was just a tomboy before realizing they were dating. She cried, not because they were gay, but because she felt fooled. Like, ma’am, the clues were there, you just didn’t want to see them. Your parents are giving the same energy.
NAH except maybe Alex for normalizing nudity around her inlaws in a place where it seems that is not the norm. I get why your parents might focus on that aspect.
Quite frankly, no one should every have to announce their gender. Your family made a mistake and you didn’t correct them.
INFO: OP, are you from Finland?
YTA I’m going against the tide here and feel you made this into a bigger deal with deception and the withholding of the information that may have been accepted better if you’d been up front and open about it.
When I went to meet my (white) husband’s parents for the first time the first thing I asked was “do they know I’m black?” because I’m very light skinned but the second they’d meet my mother or some of my siblings they’d know ( we come in varying shades in my family, lol). My husband said they didn’t know because he didn’t think they’d care so he never mentioned it but at least I knew what the situation was before I got to their house.
I casually brought it up over dinner and they truly didn’t care, but many people would have, believe me I know. One of my previous bf’s was white also and his parents were pretty damn racist so i needed to know what i was walking into and I’m sure that guy’s parents appreciated the heads up before I arrived too. It didn’t change them being racist but at least they knew their son had the nerve to bring a black woman home for Xmas.
So, I think it’s unfair to everyone to withhold information like that, I bet your parents feel like they’ve been toyed with and I don’t know why you’d want anyone to feel that way. Honesty and openness just seems like the best course with dealing with family, at last in my opinion. I think it leaves much less room for drama.
NAH. They’re in shock, give them a minute. Honestly if I’d known someone for 2 years and been referring to them by one gender that whole time, I’d be a little thrown off to realize I was wrong all along too. I imagine they feel a little embarrassed and they’re racking their brains trying to figure out if they put their foot in their mouth at any point…. As long as they’re not hateful about you dating women in general, I’d just be patient. They’ll come around as they get used to it.
Google what ironic means please
YTA. Not for having a girlfriend, but for committing a lie by omission. This is a thing, and anyone who claims it isn’t is getting hung up on technicalities. Unless you literally don’t talk to your parents, you would have had to go out of your way to never say “she” in any conversation with them. And you’d have to have ignored many times where they said “he.”
I think you’re leaving out a lot.
Lol they MET her and didnt realize she was a woman? I wouldn’t be able to take anything they say serious again. How can you be against a thing you cant even recognize. Ludicrous.
INFO: what country is this?
Why were your parents disgusted that she went topless around them if nudity is normalized in your country?
Wonder how the “we can always tell” crowd feels about this one xD
NAH/NTA
Heh, I have a hunch I know where you are from.
I am at a odd spot here. I could accidentally done the same myself, at least for a few months. Pronouns would probably popped up at some point, but I tend to use the local equivalent of “they”. Yet, I can actually understand why someone feels it is strange that a person they have assumed is a cis man, is a cis woman? It is one of those things that should not matter, yet it does. Most of us has some gendered behaviours towards people when we do not know them, and I have been in the situation where I have on auto pilot assumed a person was of a gender I would behave in one specific way around, and then it turned out they was not the gender I assumed. (God damn it, that sentence got awful.)
Still, that would be my problem, not the persons or their partners.
NTA they’re probably massively embarrassed for their assumptions and need someone to blame so they don’t have to blame themselves for the fact they made assumptions.
Newsflash to them, women can wear pants, and masculinity is whatever the fashion is for the century lol.
My response to the topless situation for them is to stop sexualizing breasts/chests based on gender. See how easy it is not to when you’re not thinking about it being a woman’s chest specifically?
NTA
But your parents are for assuming Alex’s gender.
NAH
NTA. They’re TA for being angry about something that isn’t reasonable to be angry about. They’re the ones who made assumptions, and they’re the ones who seem to have some internalized homophobia to deal with. Their problem, not yours.
INFO: I’m very confused as to which language has no gendered pronouns and a liberal culture towards female nudity… Finnish?
Info: were pronouns never once used when discussing your partner? I find that a bit hard to believe. Did you just say Alex or my Partner a lot?
Being honest I think you would have probably had to actively omit a few things to keep this fully under wraps.
So- how does Alex identify themself? Are you actually misgendering this person?
So alex was topless in a beach, and your parents didnt notice she was a girl?
In two years of dating, your “boyfriend” never came up in conversation to address this??
Did no one ever casually say where is he? What times he coming round? At all in all that time? Noone ever referred to her as him/male?
NAH tho I can kinda see your parents almost feeling a bit embarrassed that they didn’t recognize Alex is a woman and then getting a bit salty about it. Alex is almost a different person to them now. Every memory they have of her is now seen through a new lens. Sometimes parents, and other family members, really just don’t see what is so obvious to literally everyone around them.
yta because this is fake/probably written by ai.
it’s been just under an hour since you posted this and you already not only have TWO edits/updates, and add things like someone would after several days. 🙄
The fact that they didn’t notice for two years is so stereotypically Finnish 😭 this is hilarious sorry OP
NTA. Also funny that they had no issue seeing Alex topless when they thought she was a man, but have an issue now that they know she’s not. Like, it probably means her breasts were very small or non-existant, how is that different than men?
Yeah – because it could be much more embarrassing for your partner (and your parents) WHEN (it’s inevitable) they use the masculine pronoun and don’t correct themselves. Then it’s going to be a big deal BECAUSE you didn’t tell them.
INFO
>I know how you might look at her and think “oh that’s a short dude with a higher pitched voice for a man”.
>I thought it would be obvious she wasn’t a dude.
You contradict yourself.
Which is it? Is it obvious that your partner is a woman or is it completely understandable that someone might think Alex is a man?
Because those are kind of polar opposite statements.