I’ve recently (about 7 months ago) got separated from my wife (although not legally yet) of 12 years. About a month ago I started seeing someone and hitting it off pretty well.
As we’re getting closer, naturally we started talking about our baggage to each other, to put it all out on the table. One of which, for me, is the fact that I haven’t told my father that my wife and I decided to separate. My dad has always been a “conservative family values” type of person, so one of my biggest concerns with the separation was how he would react. Then a few months ago he got diagnosed with with some type of Stage 3 cancer, and he is currently undergoing some sort of therapy treatment. He is not doing very well, telling me almost daily he just wants to die instead.
When I brought this up to this new person, she had a bit of a problem with that. She said if we were to get serious, it would be unfair (and just stupid) to have my father think I’m with someone else, and to a certain degree, I agree.
But I just cannot bring myself to tell my dad about my separation. He’s doing really bad and I can’t even imagine the disappointment and how hurt he will be if I told him my supposedly “happily ever after” is over. I’m a bit of a paranoid and a pessimist, so with how bad he’s doing during this treatment, I can’t stop thinking about him passing away soon, and with that, his “last big memory” of me (and mine of him) being of such a disappointment.
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I’ve recently (about 7 months ago) got separated from my wife (although not legally yet) of 12 years. About a month ago I started seeing someone and hitting it off pretty well.
As we’re getting closer, naturally we started talking about our baggage to each other, to put it all out on the table. One of which, for me, is the fact that I haven’t told my father that my wife and I decided to separate. My dad has always been a “conservative family values” type of person, so one of my biggest concerns with the separation was how he would react. Then a few months ago he got diagnosed with with some type of Stage 3 cancer, and he is currently undergoing some sort of therapy treatment. He is not doing very well, telling me almost daily he just wants to die instead.
When I brought this up to this new person, she had a bit of a problem with that. She said if we were to get serious, it would be unfair (and just stupid) to have my father think I’m with someone else, and to a certain degree, I agree.
But I just cannot bring myself to tell my dad about my separation. He’s doing really bad and I can’t even imagine the disappointment and how hurt he will be if I told him my supposedly “happily ever after” is over. I’m a bit of a paranoid and a pessimist, so with how bad he’s doing during this treatment, I can’t stop thinking about him passing away soon, and with that, his “last big memory” of me (and mine of him) being of such a disappointment.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I decided to withhold the information that I am separated from my dad
(2) I might be an asshole because my dad might deserve to know independent of how bad the news is, and my potential future partners deserve to be known
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
the opinion of someone you met a month ago is kinda irrelevant to be honest, especially when compared to your own father. if you genuinely believe your dad isn’t going to be around much longer then any normal person would totally understand if you spared him bad news right at the end of his life. NTA
It’s so hard because we all grow up so different. For me I would very much want my mom to meet someone I was in love with before she was gone. I would also want my love to know her.
My brother divorced after my mom died and met a wonderful woman. I wish my mom knew her! It’s so sad she never will.
It sounds like because your father is very conservative, that won’t be a happy and good thing. If you know that, then hopefully your girlfriend will understand if you choose to not share it.
I don’t know that kind of restrictive judgement from my own family.
NAH. It’s understandable the new partner would have concerns. Since your dad has a serious health issue, it’s understandable to not burden him with the stress of your marital breakdown. If it hasn’t happened yet, you’ll eventually find yourself actively lying to him about your situation though. You’ll need to make a decision about how long you’re willing to keep that up.
NAH. You’re protecting yourself, your new partner and to a lesser extent, your ex. However your current partner is not TA for wanting to not be a dirty little secret to your father. It sounds like your dad would not react well but ultimately, you do need to acknowledge the consequences of this. Your partner may not want to stay in a relationship with you and that’s ultimately her right.
YTA. You still have some time, but that should be honest time, with your father. If your separation is likely to head to divorce rather than reconciliation, you need to tell him. He deserves the truth. And your new gf does deserve to be acknowledged.
Stage 3 is not a death sentence. And if you truly cared for your father, you would know what type of cancer he has, what kind of therapy he is getting, and how well-regarded that care is. You would be involved in the details, and helping him find support for his mood and despondency.
You don’t want his last memory of you to be a fake one that you maintained to fool him, if the worst happens. We all do better when we live in truth.
NAH. Life is complicated. Terminal illness is complicated. I’m not sure what your relationship with your father is like, but if I were to think of myself and my own father in this scenario it would look very different from our perspectives than what you’ve decided in your post. I don’t think he’d feel disappointed in me if my marriage ended; his big investment is in my happiness, not the success of my marriage (though he does adore my husband). If he were to pass away shortly after that type of disclosure he would view it as having provided comfort and advice to his daughter – a final fulfillment of the parenting duties he has always held sacred and dear. Perhaps you’re not giving your father enough credit. If he values family, he surely values fatherhood. He’s a grown man, a parent. Let him continue to be those things in your eyes, even if he is sick. Even if he is dying.
The bigger issue here is that you don’t know much about your dad’s illness and treatment.
“ago he got diagnosed with with some type of Stage 3 cancer, and he is currently undergoing some sort of therapy treatment. ” That’s the best you can do?
It seems you avoid uncomfortable things and just hope they go away. Your marriage, your dad.
You need to put on your big boy under Roos and actually DEAL with stuff.
I don’t think it’s fair for a month long relationship to be what changes your mind. I do think if you become more serious, it’s worth having a discussion with her about what specifically she has an issue with. I also wonder how you benchmark “becoming more serious” to determine when you have that conversation.
Sadly I think YTA here, although I am sorry to hear about your dad. I know not everyone has the best relationship with their parents but should you not have told him months ago?
Also with regards to his illness, do you really not know what kind of cancer it is and what his treatments are? Stage 3 is serious, but the treatments often make people feel worse than death. Combine that with a fear of dying and you’ve got existential depression. If you want to help your dad through this, you’re gonna have to start by being honest with him about you and your life. He may surprise you! I’m not against little white lies but this is a big one, my friend. And the longer you wait to tell him the worse it’ll be.
And if he does pass, do you really want him going out with a lie that big between the two of you? You may regret that. And again, given his life is being threatened his response may surprise you. Personally I’d take the chance and tell him. It’s not like you’ll have to break up with your girl over it if he disapproves.
The truth is always better than deception even if the truth hurts. Just my opinion.
No assholes here but it sucks to keep something so big from your dad. Truth is usually easier in the long run.
What are you going to tell him if he starts improving and you do end up in a serious relationship? “Hey dad, now that you are better I’ve been divorced for the batter part of a year, hid it from you, and surprise this is my new happily ever after!”
Seriously? If you can personally accept him dying believing you and your ex are still together then keep everything as it is, but don’t expect anyone who wants to date you to be all right with that whiplash. It’s disrespectful to your father and your new partner. And an extra layer of disrespect to your father for allowing him to be completely oblivious from the separation, the divorce, the grieving, aaaaaand you are already trying to find someone new….. Thats an insanely huge part of your life you are choosing to keep your dad away from, it’s a matter of if you can personally feel okay with that.
Edit because I’ve witnessed every side of cancer: the treatments ABSOLUTELY suck more life out of people than the actual cancer. Stage 3 is dangerous, don’t get me wrong, but I’ve witnessed someone with stage 4 brain cancer make it out of the fog
If it would cause sadness, or disappointment for your father, don’t tell him. If he beats the cancer you can tell him then. There are things I didn’t tell my father before he passed away because it would have caused heartache that he didn’t need and it harmed no one.
Make your last memories happy ones. You won’t regret it.
Tell him. It’ll give him something to worry about besides cancer. If you don’t, YTA.
I think you’re protecting yourself and the image you want your father to have of you.
Put on your big boy pants and tell him.
If you’re not ready to tell your dad about your marriage ending, don’t date. I’m assuming you’re an adult…. tell him and get it over with so your gf doesn’t have to feel like a “dirty secret”.
You’ve only been dating for a month. Do what you think is best for your dad during this time. He’s having a hard enough time already, don’t add to it. Most people don’t introduce their new partner to their families after a month anyway. You need to take a beat and realize you’re deep in honeymoon phase, which won’t last. So when it’s over you don’t want to be mad at yourself for making a decision based on those feelings. NTA
And stage 3 js not stage 4
His father has enough likelihood of living, and then he’ll say he’s been separated for (by then) over a year?
Has the ex been speaking to or visiting the father? Her father-in-law?
And keeping up the ruse?
Isn’t the fsther-in-law wondering why she is missing?
Assume your dad will find out. And make your decisions based on that.
How do you want him to find out? From family members? From a friend? From bumping into your ex? From seeing you out and about with your new partner?
From him realising he hast seen your wife in seven months and asking you the difficult questions?
Or from you having the decency and courtesy of telling him?
YTA
Do you want his “last big memory” of you to be a disappointment or a lie? Those seem to be your only two choices here.
You have to ask, how long can you keep this up? It’s been months already, the longer you lie the bigger a deal or will be if you decide to tell him. You don’t say what your father’s prognosis is, which makes this a harder call—it’s a bit different if he’s likely to die fairly soon versus if he makes a full recovery and then you tell him, or if he lives long enough that potentially you’re looking at remarrying and having to hide a big part of your life from him or come clean. I understand not wanting to stress him during a difficult time or deal with potential judgement from him, but you need to look at the long term here. It’s also not fair to your partner to have to hide like this. Plus just, the longer this goes on the more likely it is he’ll find out from someone else.
I’m not gonna give a judgement but you have to figure out an end-game, because this is not a tenable long-term situation. There’s times it’s worth hiding stuff about your life but given that a) this is your father, not a more distant relative and b) you haven’t said he’s terminal, you really need to consider what this will mean long-term.
YTA This is not on your brand new gf at all (except she really doesn’t deserve to be labeled an affair partner if she is not). This is 100% you. You are separated and since you are dating someone else, very likely getting divorced. You can tell your dad or not. Stage 3 is not 4, so he will probably be around for a while, so remove that factor. You also had time to tell your dad before he was diagnosed and chose not to. Since you are dating someone else, you need to decide whether to tell him you are divorcing your current wife, because I assume you are. He may be around for a while, don’t count on him dying to get you out of this. You are a grown up, this is the deal.
He’s your Dad, you know him best. If you think it’s best not to tell him. Then don’t.
Is he the only person you are hiding it from? If so, she should understand that your concern for his health is more important than whether he knows you’re dating a new person.
You separated 7 months ago- you are not keeping her a secret (which I think she feels like) you are keeping the demise of your marriage a secret.
NTA, he doesn’t need additional burdens rn.
Look into your state laws on inheritance. If you’re left an inheritance, your wife may be entitled to a portion of it.
AH but mostly bc you need to get your house in order. You have only been separated a few months and not legally men’s you are married. You are absolutely a cheater and I’m sure that would hurt your relationship with your father if he’s a stand up guy.
Go through the legal termination of the marriage and then you get to go on your merry way.
I think it would be okay to share with your father that your marriage is over and you are taking the steps to close that chapter in your life. I think it’s far worse that you are now not only a cheater but also a liar.
My dad was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Me, a person who never wanted to get married suddenly felt like we needed to so my dad would die knowing I was okay. So we got married. My dad lived for 8 years, just long enough for me to get married, separated, and divorced.
Tell you dad. What if he recovers, will you lie forever?
You’re hitting it off pretty well with someone you just met a month ago now already posting about on Reddit. I guess if that’s doing pretty well then that’s a low bar imo 🤷🏻♂️
Stage THREE cancer is curable! You could be keeping your separation secret for years.
YTA. Not because of the new person – you’ve only been going out for a month.
But just because he has cancer doesn’t mean he is made of glass. Tell him.
Also if you don’t know what his cancer is or what his treatment is, talk to him and find out. You need to know these things for your family medical history. Also, just in case you need to make decisions on his behalf.
NTA – but you need to get divorced before getting seriously involved with someone, things can get messy real fast.
You’re not even divorced yet. Maybe you should do that first before thinking about a long term relationship. She’s made the decision to date someone who’s not technically single yet. Its also way too early for her to impose her opinion at this time. If you can’t tell your dad about your separation then he sure as he’ll won’t appreciate you dating while separated.
You do as you see fit. If she can’t accept that then she can move on. Or if you feel like she’s important and potentially a long term partner you’ll need to own your action and the consequences. You can’t have your cake and eat it too