So the title sounds harsh, but let me explain.
My wife (32F) and I (34M) have two kids, a 3.5-year-old and an 18-month-old. My in-laws are divorced. My father-in-law is great; we get along really well. My mother-in-law (MIL), on the other hand, is a different story. We’ve never liked each other. We don’t see eye-to-eye on pretty much anything, especially politics. Beyond that, she’s the type who will never admit it, but it’s pretty clear she’s not totally comfortable with the fact her grandkids are mixed race. I’ve never felt welcomed or respected by her, even before we had kids.
Recently, my MIL went through cancer treatment. Thankfully, she’s okay now. During that time, my wife still kept up regular communication with her, calling, texting, and giving her updates on the kids. I, however, didn’t make any extra effort to spend time around her, nor did I push to take our kids on a three-hour trip to visit her. Honestly, I just don’t like being around her. But I have never once stopped my wife from taking the kids to see her mom. If she had wanted to make the trip with them, I would have supported it.
Now my brother-in-law is stirring things up, saying that we’re selfish, that we favored my family over my MIL during her cancer battle, and that we’re assholes for not taking the grandkids to see her. He also says we always see my family, which is simply not true. We only see my side on major holidays, and they live close by.
For context, my MIL likes to play the victim and makes it sound like I prevented her from seeing her grandkids, which is completely false.
So, Reddit, AITA for not treating my mother-in-law any differently or making extra trips just because she had cancer? I feel like I kept my distance the same way I always have for my own mental peace, but never blocked her from being in our kids’ lives.
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So the title sounds harsh, but let me explain.
My wife (32F) and I (34M) have two kids, a 3.5-year-old and an 18-month-old. My in-laws are divorced. My father-in-law is great; we get along really well. My mother-in-law (MIL), on the other hand, is a different story. We’ve never liked each other. We don’t see eye-to-eye on pretty much anything, especially politics. Beyond that, she’s the type who will never admit it, but it’s pretty clear she’s not totally comfortable with the fact her grandkids are mixed race. I’ve never felt welcomed or respected by her, even before we had kids.
Recently, my MIL went through cancer treatment. Thankfully, she’s okay now. During that time, my wife still kept up regular communication with her, calling, texting, and giving her updates on the kids. I, however, didn’t make any extra effort to spend time around her, nor did I push to take our kids on a three-hour trip to visit her. Honestly, I just don’t like being around her. But I have never once stopped my wife from taking the kids to see her mom. If she had wanted to make the trip with them, I would have supported it.
Now my brother-in-law is stirring things up, saying that we’re selfish, that we favored my family over my MIL during her cancer battle, and that we’re assholes for not taking the grandkids to see her. He also says we always see my family, which is simply not true. We only see my side on major holidays, and they live close by.
For context, my MIL likes to play the victim and makes it sound like I prevented her from seeing her grandkids, which is completely false.
So, Reddit, AITA for not treating my mother-in-law any differently or making extra trips just because she had cancer? I feel like I kept my distance the same way I always have for my own mental peace, but never blocked her from being in our kids’ lives.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t make any extra effort to visit my mother-in-law or take my kids to see her while she was battling cancer, because I don’t like being around her and we have a strained relationship. My brother-in-law thinks this makes me selfish and an asshole, since she was sick and we should have prioritized seeing her. I wonder if I might be the asshole for not putting my feelings aside to support her more during her illness.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA she’s still a selfish racist
if she’s not comfortable with her grandkids being mixed race she shouldn’t be seeing them at all
NTA
NTA – you don’t owe her extra special treatment with a cherry on top just because she was sick. If your wife was fine with going on her own to visit, then you did nothing wrong here
NTA Your wife should be handling her side of the family, specifically shutting down BIL’s accusations since she was the one who chose not to take the kids.
NTA
NTA sorry I can’t get past the racist part
An a$&hole with cancer is still an a$&hole. And a racist one at that. You shouldn’t be allowing her around your kids BECAUSE she’s racist! NTA but she and her son the BIL are!
NTA
NTA and it’s very practical not to take children (aka germ factories) to visit a relative undergoing chemo.
Yeh we did. She was going through chemo which destroys the immune system. The kids are in daycare and get sick all the time. We were keeping her safe.
Two children under the age of 4 on a six hour round trip to visit someone who is immune compromised? BIL obviously isn’t thinking.
NTA
As a person with cancer can I just say, children visiting while a person is undergoing treatment is not great because the children are exposed to and have so many colds, flus, covid at school and so if anything she needed less visits than usual. So the cancer situation does not apply. NTA
NTA. It is always ok to avoid racist people. Preferred even!!
NTA
I don’t think there’s a winning play here other than acknowleding their opinion and moving on. They’ve made up their mind and facts aren’t going to get in their way.
NTA but where the hell is your wife why ain’t she handling HER family
Your BIL is out of line. Ignore him. Do not engage or argue. Seems like MIL is bad mouthing you.
You can’t win. And why should you care what those people think? I hope your wife is able to ignore them as well.
NTA… with the relationship you have with your MIL why would you want to change how you have always been with her. As you said, you never prevented your wife from going or taking your kids if she’d wanted.
NTA at all. I’m a cancer survivor and having cancer doesn’t mean the world revolves around you. The people around you have jobs and lives. I think it’s admirable that you had no problem with your wife and kids going to visit. However, when I was going through treatment, I was advised to avoid large gatherings and small children because both are germ factories.
NTA.
I don’t even need to read it. Btdt
She’s racist, you don’t owe her anything
NTA. Why is your wife letting her brother stir the pot? She should be shutting down his nonsense.
NTA
Your wife’s family should by definition be her problem. Especially since they’re racist. BiL is being deliberately obtuse and your wife needs to realise and put him in check. Ignore them as best you can.
NTA. One of my dear uncles recently dealt with cancer and treatments. I adore this man and my aunt very much. Reminded my cousin, only child, that regardless of what the future holds, he won’t have to face it alone just because he doesn’t have siblings.
However, my aunt guarded this man fiercely. They made the best of it with Lego builds and whatever he wanted to as a family in the home. It was their own personal lock-down in 2024 as if it were the spring of 2020.
Sure, she isn’t your favorite person. However, your germ riddled kids were the LAST thing someone in her state should have been around. The only time cancer patients should be exposed to that is if they have no choice or when they are losing the fight. Your BIL is probably jealous of your valid reasons and trying to paint you as the bad guy when you actually did nothing wrong at all.