My (41f) son (17m) is a senior in high school and has verbally committed to a D1 Pac-12 football team. My husband (39m) and I are separated but still living in the same house. Over the summer we both went on all of his official visits.
Even though my son is already verbally committed, a bigger and higher-ranked school asked us to come watch a game and spend the weekend. A few days ago, I asked my husband if he wanted to go. He said no because he’s coaching our 8-year-old’s football game and that was the end of the conversation.
Yesterday morning, the head coach called and asked who would be traveling so they could book flights and lodging. My son told him it would be me and his grandfather (my dad). We asked him to come because “I don’t know nothin about no fooseball” and my son wanted him there.
Before he confirmed the travel details, I asked him if he wanted me to check with his dad again. He said no, and that he wanted his grandfather to come. In the past I probably would have pushed him to ask his dad again, but I did not care this time.
TBH, I was relieved when he said he wasn’t going, because he was a miserable travel partner all summer and it gives me anxiety to think about traveling with him again.
Last night, I texted my husband to ask if he could drop us at the airport, and he said, “What about me?” followed by some colorful language. I, not very nicely, reminded him that he said no, so we got into an argument. He says I should have asked him again, but I don’t think it’s my job to double check. He has a habit of refusing things at first and then changing his mind last-minute, after he makes me beg him. Since we’re separated, I don’t feel like that’s my responsibility anymore.
I kind of wonder if I should have tried harder to include him since it’s an important trip for our kids future.
So, AITA? Did I put my feelings before what’s right? Should I have tried harder to get my husband to go?
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My (41f) son (17m) is a senior in high school and has verbally committed to a D1 Pac-12 football team. My husband (39m) and I are separated but still living in the same house. Over the summer we both went on all of his official visits.
Even though my son is already verbally committed, a bigger and higher-ranked school asked us to come watch a game and spend the weekend. A few days ago, I asked my husband if he wanted to go. He said no because he’s coaching our 8-year-old’s football game and that was the end of the conversation.
Yesterday morning, the head coach called and asked who would be traveling so they could book flights and lodging. My son told him it would be me and his grandfather (my dad). We asked him to come because “I don’t know nothin about no fooseball” and my son wanted him there.
Before he confirmed the travel details, I asked him if he wanted me to check with his dad again. He said no, and that he wanted his grandfather to come. In the past I probably would have pushed him to ask his dad again, but I did not care this time.
TBH, I was relieved when he said he wasn’t going, because he was a miserable travel partner all summer and it gives me anxiety to think about traveling with him again.
Last night, I texted my husband to ask if he could drop us at the airport, and he said, “What about me?” followed by some colorful language. I, not very nicely, reminded him that he said no, so we got into an argument. He says I should have asked him again, but I don’t think it’s my job to double check. He has a habit of refusing things at first and then changing his mind last-minute, after he makes me beg him. Since we’re separated, I don’t feel like that’s my responsibility anymore.
I kind of wonder if I should have tried harder to include him since it’s an important trip for our kids future.
So, AITA? Did I put my feelings before what’s right? Should I have tried harder to get my husband to go?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t include my husband in a college visit. I think I might have put my own feelings before what was best for our kid.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA – even your son said he wanted his grandpa there instead.
Nta
He is a grown man and he said no. That’s it, the end.
As you said, it’s “not your job anymore” to beg him….and thank goodness for that! What a fabulous boundary.
NTA, it is not your job to double check. He needs to learn not to play this game of saying no initially just to be ‘begged’ later. It’s feeding his ego and creating a power imbalance. Time to take things at face value and if he wanted to be included he had the chance. That’s it, and frankly that would be the answer whether you were separated or not because that game is not fun in any relationship.
NTA- you asked, he said no. You asked your son, who’s the VIP here and your son, let that sink in your son, did not want his own father to come…
NTA — nice boundary you set there. He said no after you asked.
NTA. You asked and he said no. If he changed his mind he should have communicated before basically the day of. Also your son doesn’t want him there so there’s that (also very telling). Why are you still living together? I really hate those comments telling people to divorce but in this situation I’m more confused why you haven’t divorced yet, he sounds like a major asshole
NTA. You don’t need to cater to him anymore and it’s your son’s trip and he’d rather have his grandfather.
NTA and at some point he will stop jumping to “no” and learn to say let me think about it. Until then he will miss out on things.
I would also setup a shared calendar either in print or via computer for all events.
Please divorce you are very much over that man and you are dragging it out to the detriment of your children
Nta
NTA. You asked him and he said no. End of story. You shouldn’t be begging him to go watch his own son.
NTA
You asked and accepted his answer as his decision.
It never was your job to play his annoying game of ‘Ask Me Again!’.
The feelings you put first were your sons. HE said no, he preferred having his grandpa over his dad.
Besides, didn’t he have a commitment with the 8yo son and that team?
NTA. You so clearly are not the A here. Your soon to be ex (I hope) needs to get used to the new dynamic between you two. You no longer are going to manage him. He’s an adult. He can manage his own self. How soon until you don’t have to live together? Are you still taking care of other things for him too? Laundry, groceries, cooking, cleaning up after him? Things like that? If so, stop. Not your responsibility anymore. Actually, managing him should never have been your responsibility. He was an adult the whole time you were married too.
NTA.
You asked, he declined. You double checked with your son, he didn’t want to go back to his dad. You did your due diligence.
NTA and his behavior is probably part of the reason you’re no longer together.
NTA. It’s not your trip, it’s your son’s trip, and you carried out your son’s wishes. Good job on insulating him from his father’s last-minute change of heart. Check in with your son though and make sure he’s not being pressured directly by his father now.
NTA.. don’t play and stupid childish games. That is what he expects you to do. Now that you are separated, don’t play that game. Also, you son is the one that matters here and he wanted your dad to go. Firm ground in my opinion.
NTA. You asked, he answered. You are no longer married and it is not your job to take care of him or his feelings. You even checked with your son.
NTA. He’s your ex and you no longer take care of his calendar. Once your son turns 18, your son should be one to his father & you to activities. You aren’t responsible anymore.
NTA. but I would set more firmer boundaries for the both of you. He (as i applaud you for saying) is not your responsibility anymore.
I would recommended just booking an uber. Leave him out of it. Grab your bags and leave, let him freak out about it.
Your son is almost an adult and decided he didnt want his father there.
He also said he had a prior commitment to your other child. So he needs to stop acting like a kid with fomo and do his commitments.
Eta: tho if he was able to go last minute and somehow got a flight. Who’d be responsible and take care of your youngest. It just seems irresponsible of him.
You are NTA, you asked and he said no. Unrealistic that he expects you to ask again. What if you had asked again and he said no? are you just supposed to keep asking, when is it enough? As you say, it’s not your job to cater to his indecisive needs. If he changed his mind he should have reached out to you and let you know.
NTA – Congrats to your son! How exciting for him!
NTA. As his ex, it isn’t your responsibility to manage his time or priorities anymore.
Also, your son is old enough to be looking at colleges – he is old enough to make a decision on who he wants on these trips. He decided he wanted grandpa. End of story.
Ask him why he expects you to ask him again? Why should you have to try harder?
You asked, he said no. Not your job to ask again. My bigger concern is will your son go back on his word?
NTA- it was never your responsibility to beg him to be involved. He just shoved that onto you. He’s a full grown man. He needs to figure out his own shit
NTA. I would argue that it wasn’t your responsibility to go along with this weird power-play BS even when you were together, but you’re certainly right that it 100% isn’t now you’re separated.
NTA
No, you did enough.
NTA. He said no. He’s being manipulative.
NTA. If he wanted to go, he should have said yes. Why would you have had any reason to ask twice?
NTA. He said he didn’t want to go. Simple as that.
NTA it’s not your job to beg him to be a father.
Does the Pac-12 even exist anymore?
NTA, but I see why you are separated from him, this is very manipulative behavior. Hopefully headed to divorce and moving apart soon?
NTA. No is a complete sentence & means exactly what it says. If your h was a miserable travel companion this summer, your son likely didn’t want to deal with him this time. H can learn to use his words. Besides, he had already committed to your other kid’s activity, so he couldn’t go even if he wanted to.
NTA you are done with the begging/nagging he can step up or step back
You asked, he said “no”. That’s all there is to it.
“It isn’t on me to ask you again or beg you” is a perfectly reasonable boundary.
It’s also completely reasonable that you’re deferring to your son’s wishes by including his grandfather.
NTA.
You are not his mother.
NTA
You took him at his word and respected your son in the process.
Think twice about accepting any offers of a ride to the airport as he may prove unreliable.
NTA. No is no. Being upfront in a relationship is important.
NTA
He’s a grown man who you offered and he declined. It isn’t your job to change his mind or even repeatedly ask him.
NTA. As someone who was divorced years ago, it was kind of wonderful to watch my ex stumble through life making mistakes because there wasn’t a wife around to do all the planning and preparation for everyone in the house. He missed flights often, got lost in strange cities. It was a great show from my perspective.
PAC 12?
NTA. It’s pretty rich to be separated but still expect full spouse treatment. You asked, he answered. You gave your son the option of asking again and he did not want his dad to come. If your soon to be ex changed his mind he should have mentioned something because your time of catering to his quirks is over. Maybe his next wife will remember to make sure to give him multiple kicks at the can.
Your son said not to ask him again. That’s all you need to know.
I am proud of you. You asked your ex once, so he had the opportunity, and that was that. You did not run in circles around him, you just quietly got on with your perfectly reasonable plan. Well done.
NTA. He must be a nightmare, I understand the separation.
NTA. You are not required to invite anyone multiple times to the same event.
NTA. You aren’t his Secretary and it sounds like your son didn’t want him there,anyway. Hopefully you will get more peace once you aren’t under the same roof.
NTA. You asked and he said no. He’s a grown ass man. If he wanted to change his mind then he should have used his words instead of playing stupid manipulative games.
“ if I ask, can you say no I believe you. If I keep asking you, I’m nagging.”
NTA. Your kid seemed to want your dad to go instead anyway, and if your husband changed his mind he should have spoken up sooner, not assumed that you had read his mind.
You do have some responsibility to him as co-parents of your kids however. Being separated doesn’t absolve you of that.
Nta. Say what you mean mean what you say.
NTA for obvious reasons, you shouldn’t have to check and re-check with your (sort-of) ex husband, he’s not a child, you don’t need to keep checking with him to make sure.
The most important thing though is that your son didn’t want him there, you checked with HIM and he confirmed what he want. It’s his trip, it’s about him and his future, who goes with him for that is HIS choice.
Your husband should spend less time worrying about whether or not you’re catering to his baby tantrum, and more time thinking about why his son wouldn’t care about him being there for this.
NTA. Make it clear that part of being separated is rediscovering yourself. In this process you have discovered you no longer have any desire to cater to his whims. Going forward you will ask one time, if he says no you will believe him and move forward.
Lololol ex hubby wants wifey privileges. Probably should have been a better hubby
NTA. Thought maybe otherwise till I saw y’all were separated and then completely when I read the whole post. Like he said no, that should be it.
You’re separated? You asked once; that was nice of you. More importantly, you asked what your kid wanted and kid said asking once was enough? Maybe your kid is also tired of his nonsense.
My nasty ex was absolutely stunned when I no longer did wife things after we split up. He has repeatedly seemed hurt when I am polite but not warm at our kids’ important events. He is in complete denial.
Congrats on your freedom (separation.)
NTA
He said no. Even when you were together, it wasn’t your responsibility to play his game of “get him to change his mind.” Given you are separated, it is DEFINITELY not your responsibility.
Also you gave your son his authority here. He’s almost an adult. He’s making his first adult decisions (which college to attend). His relationship with his father is his to maintain or not going forward.
NTA, I’d text your H, “I’d like to improve our communication and avoid hard feelings. I’ll ask you once, but contrary to old patterns that don’t work now, I won’t beg or try again.”
NTA but please stop asking this guy for any favors ever. He clearly just uses all contact with you to instigate fights.
Just take a cab or Lyft. He said no. You don’t need to beg him.
Iiiiii m c
NTA. It’s not your job to be his personal assistant. Nor is it your son’s responsibility to beg his dad to attend. He said no, so your son took him at his word. If he wanted to be there, he would have said yes and not played these “beg me if you want me” games. FAFO. He just found out no one wants him there.
NTA. I hope you’re making plans to live separately ASAP! He forgot that separating means he doesn’t have a wife to mother him anymore.
NTA time for the AH to grow up. Let it go. Dont give it any more energy. Just say look, if you make a decision and something changes, let me know. Im going to proceed based on what you tell me. We aren’t together anymore. I don’t know all thats going on with you and I don’t want to keep asking once you’ve already said no.