My friends and I have been planning to to meet up at an event for weeks. In the days leading up to it, I asked when they planned on being there and they gave me a time. They verified this time the day of the event as I was preparing to leave. Once I hit the road, I texted them an ETA and they responded with a thumbs up.
After over an hour of driving, I get to the event and text my friends to tell them I’ve arrived. Within minutes of each other, both my friends text me to say that they haven’t even left yet. Was I willing to wait 40 minutes for them to get there?
Some more context: I have severe anxiety and need to body double whenever I go out in public, especially if it’s a place I’ve never been. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to drive there by myself, but the friend I was giving a ride to told me the day before that they would be driving themselves because they were bringing their dog. That in itself was kind of a bummer, but I told myself at least that meant I could leave whenever I wanted. It hurt that I drove all the way out only to feel like my time was being disrespected.
So I left, fully aware that I was wasting time and gas. I sobbed the entire way, asking what was wrong with me that I would do this to my favorite people.
The thing is, it isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I’ve waited in a bar by myself for over an hour waiting for them to arrive. I’ve waited even longer for them to show up to a party where everyone was expecting them. I’ve always made excuses for them, since I know executive dysfunction and time blindness is a thing. But at a certain point I needed to put my foot down. My family was always late to things growing up and to this day it triggers me, but I didn’t tell my friends that.
Now one of the friends isn’t talking to me and the other is making me feel guilty because they wanted to see me. AITA?
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My friends and I have been planning to to meet up at an event for weeks. In the days leading up to it, I asked when they planned on being there and they gave me a time. They verified this time the day of the event as I was preparing to leave. Once I hit the road, I texted them an ETA and they responded with a thumbs up.
After over an hour of driving, I get to the event and text my friends to tell them I’ve arrived. Within minutes of each other, both my friends text me to say that they haven’t even left yet. Was I willing to wait 40 minutes for them to get there?
Some more context: I have severe anxiety and need to body double whenever I go out in public, especially if it’s a place I’ve never been. Originally, I wasn’t supposed to drive there by myself, but the friend I was giving a ride to told me the day before that they would be driving themselves because they were bringing their dog. That in itself was kind of a bummer, but I told myself at least that meant I could leave whenever I wanted. It hurt that I drove all the way out only to feel like my time was being disrespected.
So I left, fully aware that I was wasting time and gas. I sobbed the entire way, asking what was wrong with me that I would do this to my favorite people.
The thing is, it isn’t the first time something like this has happened. I’ve waited in a bar by myself for over an hour waiting for them to arrive. I’ve waited even longer for them to show up to a party where everyone was expecting them. I’ve always made excuses for them, since I know executive dysfunction and time blindness is a thing. But at a certain point I needed to put my foot down. My family was always late to things growing up and to this day it triggers me, but I didn’t tell my friends that.
Now one of the friends isn’t talking to me and the other is making me feel guilty because they wanted to see me. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I left an event before my friends got there because they were running so late. I feel like an asshole because we’d been planning to meet for awhile and I know I disappointed them.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. There are just some people who don’t respect other people’s time and are completely incapable of being on time. A few minutes late when you have a whole hour to drive is understandable. Not having left yet (and not even saying they are about to leave) when there is an hour drive and they are already supposed to be there is 100% unacceptable.
NTA- I have pretty bad anxiety going out new places by myself- I feel awkward and have no one to look for to assure myself I’m at the right place and going the right way, no one to easily start conversation with, and no one to look at when I feel anxious about eye contact and people staring at me. Waiting even 30 minutes with that kind of anxiety feels like half a day, and sometimes I can power through, but when you’re doing that over and over, it can be exhausting.
Sometimes you just hit your limit. You’re overwhelmed, anxious, angry and you just needed to get out of that situation. It’s okay to put yourself first, and it would have been difficult to enjoy the day after that.
ESH Them for being rude. Being more than 15-20 minutes late is highly disrespectful.
You for using your friends for emotional support. We meet with our friends because they add something to our lives – not because we need something from them. I hope that you are in medical treatment and that your condition improves over time.
Look? Yeah, being chronically late is an asshole move. But the fact you can’t handle sitting in your car waiting for 45 minutes alone because of your anxiety (not because you’re too annoyed that they disrespected your time and chose to cancel) tells me you need to see a doctor about it. That is at the point where your anxiety is preventing you from living your life. It doesn’t matter who was right and wrong here, you need to see a doctor either way.
NTA. 10 or 15 minutes, you’d wait. At least 40 minutes since they hadn’t left the house yet? That’s so disrespectful to you.
ESH, mostly them for being chronically and regularly late but also you a bit, because it sounds like your anxiety is not under control and you expect a lot from friends by way of therapeutic support. Sitting sobbing in a car asking yourself why don’t they love me is not the way to go dear op. Therapy , or better therapy if you are already in it, is called for.
But no, NTA for leaving, l would have too.
NTA I have given people a grace period in case something happened but I am less and less inclined to do this now. How awful to wait alone in a bar waiting for someone. This sounds usual for them. Personally I hate waiting alone somewhere also. It’s a shame because you like them and maybe you can try to discuss this. But why do you have to suffer this from friends?
NTA I’m really sorry but OP these are not friends. They are friends to each other, but you are simply an acquaintance that they have no problem let wait around for an hour. They also know of your anxiety and have no problem triggering it.
NTA. You get two chances to be that late without letting me know and then we don’t hang out anymore. I live in a very high traffic area and I get 10-15 minutes late with a text that you are stuck in traffic. Totally fine. But if we are meeting at 5pm and you haven’t left yet? Absolutely not. That’s disrespectful and my time is just as valuable as theirs is.
NTA. Their chronic lateness is on them. But if you think you’d be treating them differently if you weren’t being triggered by your trauma, I think you should work on your trauma. Actually, you should do that anyway, as it may lessen your anxiety.
ESH. Them for being egregiously late, especially since it’s a pattern. You to yourself for not dealing with your anxiety. This didn’t need to be a wasted day. You could have gone about the event and they get there when they get there.
I say NTA for not waiting as those are people who don’t respect others time. With that said your anxiety is a disorder at this point. It’s interfering with your life now. You need to go to a doctor about it.
Good luck.
Cheers