My (28F) GF (27F) is divorced. Her past relationship was incredibly complicated and emotionally toxic for multiple reasons. She doesn’t have feelings for her ex anymore, and hadn’t been in love with her for a long time before they finally called it quits. She’s my best friend and I love her more than anything. I always want her to get what she needs and wants. We are planning our future together and are very serious about our relationship.
Now here’s the issue. She absolutely loves her old engagement ring, the one her ex bought for her. She says that she’s the one who chose it and it doesn’t have emotional ties to her ex, to her it’s just a ring that she loves. I understand that and I get why she would feel this way. She got the ring in the divorce and has brought it up to me that she would like to be able to wear it even after we’re married. I feel uncomfortable with that idea. I am currently unemployed and can’t afford to get her a nice ring like that. I feel a little insecure and weird about it even though I know this is stupid and not that deep. To me, it’s more than a ring. It reminds me of the amount of abuse that she faced with that other woman, it reminds me of a time where she was traumatized, disrespected, and manipulated.
It’s no secret to her that I hate her ex. As her best friend, I saw the hell that woman put her through and it makes me sick to my stomach everytime I remember that that used to be her reality. But I feel bad. I told her I would never tell her what to do or not do, and I won’t. I want to make her happy, but I am struggling to feel okay with this. Like I said, to her, it’s just a ring, to me, it’s a symbol of her abusive past relationship. I want to be okay with this. She doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable but I can tell how much this means to her. I don’t know what to do.
She doesn’t want to turn the ring into something else, that was one of the stipulations her ex gave her when she let her keep the ring, she’s not allowed to turn it into anything else.
I don’t know how to feel and I don’t want to be an asshole. Am I the asshole for not wanting her to wear the ring?
Ps: I am open to compromising but we have no ideas rn. I want to be okay with this, I just don’t know how to. I’d appreciate any suggestions. Thank you
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Backup of the post’s body: My (28F) GF (27F) is divorced. Her past relationship was incredibly complicated and emotionally toxic for multiple reasons. She doesn’t have feelings for her ex anymore, and hadn’t been in love with her for a long time before they finally called it quits. She’s my best friend and I love her more than anything. I always want her to get what she needs and wants. We are planning our future together and are very serious about our relationship.
Now here’s the issue. She absolutely loves her old engagement ring, the one her ex bought for her. She says that she’s the one who chose it and it doesn’t have emotional ties to her ex, to her it’s just a ring that she loves. I understand that and I get why she would feel this way. She got the ring in the divorce and has brought it up to me that she would like to be able to wear it even after we’re married. I feel uncomfortable with that idea. I am currently unemployed and can’t afford to get her a nice ring like that. I feel a little insecure and weird about it even though I know this is stupid and not that deep. To me, it’s more than a ring. It reminds me of the amount of abuse that she faced with that other woman, it reminds me of a time where she was traumatized, disrespected, and manipulated.
It’s no secret to her that I hate her ex. As her best friend, I saw the hell that woman put her through and it makes me sick to my stomach everytime I remember that that used to be her reality. But I feel bad. I told her I would never tell her what to do or not do, and I won’t. I want to make her happy, but I am struggling to feel okay with this. Like I said, to her, it’s just a ring, to me, it’s a symbol of her abusive past relationship. I want to be okay with this. She doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable but I can tell how much this means to her. I don’t know what to do.
She doesn’t want to turn the ring into something else, that was one of the stipulations her ex gave her when she let her keep the ring, she’s not allowed to turn it into anything else.
I don’t know how to feel and I don’t want to be an asshole. Am I the asshole for not wanting her to wear the ring?
Ps: I am open to compromising but we have no ideas rn. I want to be okay with this, I just don’t know how to. I’d appreciate any suggestions. Thank you
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Question: why is she adhering to ex’s “stipulations” regarding what she can do with the ring?
Regardless, if you’ve already explained your feelings to her once and she’s made her decision, then feel how you feel about it but you can’t force her to stop wearing it. The last thing she wants/needs is another partner ordering her around about what she can do with her body and how she adorns it.
If it’s this much of a problem for you talk to a professional about it. She can divorce the item from the relationship, so you need to do the same, for her sake
I think this is a tricky one. I am divorced, and I kept my wedding band, which I bought with my money. I dont wear it, but I do love it.
Is she wearing it on her wedding ring finger? Perhaps ask her to resize it to wear it on the “wrong hand” and “wrong finger” or something like that?
I kept my wedding/engagement ring from my previous marriage. I loved the style so much, I basically got the same thing the second time around but a different metal and stone choice.
All that said, this is weird af. Why is she holding to the stipulations the ex set for her…?
Is it written into their divorce papers that it can’t be changed? If not, then it most certainly can. But being from a past abusive relationship, i get it, tho. It’s not a reminder of what used to be but the reminder of what you overcomed. I still have my ring from my ex. I did eventually give it to my daughter. Because i finally healed in ways i never thought possible.
What do you mean that was a stipulation? Is her ex still in the picture? How can she have control over what she does with the ring?
Could you use the stone, but place in a new band/setting? So half old /half new.
Also new setting typically won’t cost as much as new ring and stone?
Your gf is not compromising. She is choosing both to wear the ring AND not to turn it into something else that might be more digestible to you.
I’m failing to understand where HER willingness to compromise is. Has SHE come up with any alternative ideas? Is she leaving this problem solving to you, and invalidating your feelings?
The only other alternatives I see (aside from turning it into something else) are she does not get to wear it, or puts it on a chain around her neck (but that is also highly romantically tied).
I would be more concerned about ‘following the rules/promise’ she made to her ex, than about the ring itself. She is very literally choosing this past promise to an ex over the comfort of her current partner. That is highly concerning – your feelings should matter more than the ex’s. An inanimate object means more to her than your comfort. Even if it is understandable she likes it or feels attached to it and wants to keep it – still problematic implications regarding what she’s prioritizing here.
If she wants to keep the ring, she should have to sacrifice a little bit (ie: turning it into something else). That’s what committed partners do.
NTA. It’s a ring, but it’s also a walking reminder of her past trauma and that’s legit to feel weird about. You’re not asking her to toss it; just that you’re uncomfortable. Communication and maybe therapy to unpack this? No one wins if you both ignore the elephant on your finger.
Her ex is still controlling her, by saying that she can’t turn it into something else…
Interesting take here, as someone who has survived an abusive relationship:
She may subconsciously be holding onto it as a reminder that she was strong enough to survive the hell she went through during that time in her life. She picked it out, it’s hers, and perhaps it’s a beautiful reminder of how she overcame and grew.
Years ago I was in a relationship with an abusive person. We discussed getting married- more so they pressured me into saying yes to a really lax proposal. I have never desired marriage ever and have never seen it for myself. But I caved and said yes. They said they purchased a ring for me and had hid it somewhere in my garage. When I kicked them out after I’d had enough of all their shit, I searched for that ring. I wanted it so badly, not because of them or the relationship or the “engagement” (if you could even call it that), but because I wanted a trophy of sorts. Something to say- I did it! I stood up for myself, I survived, I was strong enough to remove them from my life. After all I’d been through, I deserved it!!! I deserved something!!! I never did find it. In hindsight, they were probably lying about even having purchased one. About a year later, I had a dream about finding an old ring in a thrift store. It was on my mind for days so I went to a thrift/antique store down the road and lo and behold, there was the ring I dreamt of. It was a 150 year old ring, absolutely gorgeous. I purchased it for myself and wore it on my engagement finger for years until the stone fell out. I never took it off. When I bought it and put it on for the first time, I made vows to myself. That I would never put myself in that situation again, and I would never compromise my values for another person again. I still have the ring, hoping I can get the stone replaced so I can wear it again.
This is where my mind went when I read your post. I think it’s definitely worth discussing more and I’m sure perspective can be found and adjusted on both your parts. I think if she wants to keep wearing it, getting it resized for another finger is a great idea, especially if you two are discussing marriage between yourselves or see that for your future. There’s also an option of wearing it on a necklace chain. I think it’s silly she’s not “allowed” to make changes to the ring. To me that sounds like an abuser retaining a level of control🤷♀️ You guys can and will find a solution. Just keep love at the forefront of your discussions together.
The issue is that whether you guys want to admit it but both of you are playing whose feelings are more important.
Is this the first thing you cant agree on or is this a pattern where you have to yield all the time?
I cant see any reasonable person not agreeing to melt the ring down and reshaping it,
The fact that is not being agreed upon shows that this is a power/control dynamic not a closeness and connection conversation..
Y’all need a cleansing and reclaiming ceremony. Take that ring and make it YOURS. Fuck the ex.
It’s not that different than if you picked out the ring in a pawn shop. It doesn’t matter what the history of the ring is before, because now it’s yours and you need to make it your own.
Consider having your initials and hers engraved.