I’m hoping this is pretty cut and dry but here is a little back story. I (40F) am married to my husband (55M) we will call him John for almost 3 years, been together for 8. We bought our home 2 years ago and it has been my dream to have my own home. I lost my father in 2022 to COVID and he left behind money for me and my siblings to split. Not a huge sum but enough to help with finances or to help with our homes. I lost him 9 months just prior to my wedding and I wanted to do something meaningful with the money he left me and we signed on our home in 2023. I’ve worked hard to make this house our home, I’ve used the money to renovate this house because it was in need of repair and updating. I’m a nurse and I make decent money and I pay for the majority of our home stuff but my husband does pay the utilities and Internet. He also pays alimony to his ex-wife. My mother moved in with us because she retired and lived alone and is getting older. My husband and her have a good relationship and knows how important she is to me and I was a very young child when my parents divorced and spent most of my time growing up with my mom. He was very close with his mother before she passed away so he understood and we agreed this was best for everyone.
My husband has 4 grown adult children. 3 of which I have good relationships with, the other is estranged and I won’t go into that (not because of me.) his youngest child recently moved in with us. How can I say this with the most respect possible, my step son has the motivation of a Galapagos turtle. Unless asked, he will not do pretty much anything, but when asked will do things but does huff and puff if it isn’t an easy task. He also doesn’t work. He’s been with us for for a while and has no prospects of a job. His mother never really forced the issue because she doesn’t work and rarely left the house. I never met a young person who had no desire to have money of their own or even have a license to drive. Now I’m giving him grace bc he living in a new town in a new home and is getting settled.
Now the hard part, the reason my step son had to move in with us along with the family dog is because the owners of their previous home decided to retire to that home. They were given over 8 months notice. 2 weeks prior to needing to vacate, nothing was packed or cleaned in that house. My husband had to spend his time and money to help them remove everything and dispose of everything, it took nearly a month (that’s how bad it was) and it rolled over into the next month. My husband also felt obligated to help his ex-wife find a new place to live bc she has anxiety and I’m assuming issues with talking to people. Fine, ok, good on my husband to be helpful. I resented this a bit because I felt it really disrespectful that they were given over 8 months and didn’t do anything to help their situation. Now, when all was said and done, my stepson, his whole portion of household, the family dog (which was re-iterated to me on a few occasions was like a “best friend” to his ex-wife) and several crates and totes of her belongings were being stored in my house. Ok, fine, I agreed.
My husband then Recently asked me, would you mind if, we will call her Joanne (ex-wife), comes over from time to time to visit with step son and the dog. I stated, “I don’t really want that if I’m being honest”. My husband gave me a blank stare and asked me why. I said to him that moving in stepson and dog and having her belongings here is one thing, I’m personally not interested in opening up my home to having your ex-wife frequently visiting. This is our home, my private space, I need something that is ours. My husband then started to say, “I just like to treat people as people.” His statement caught me off guard. I was angry. I was confused. I felt like he was saying that I’m not treating her like just a person because I don’t want my husband’s ex-wife frequenting my house. I explained to him that it is not expected to be the norm for a wife to be all hunky dory with her husband’s ex to come over whenever they wanted. He seemed upset and didn’t understand my stance. I felt his comment was a little manipulative in trying to make me cave by making me feel bad for feeling the way I do. So AITA for not wanting my husband’s ex-wife to frequently visit my home?
Comments
NTA. “I want you to know that how you handle this will tell me a lot about how much our marriage means to you.
I have gone beyond and above and making things work for your previous family. I have no problems with you, helping your ex-wife and being a great person. However, this is my home and my one place where I shouldn’t have to be on guard.
Please respect my wishes and ask your ex-wife to visit stepson outside of the house.”
Then, depending on his response, you’ll probably only have two choices. Therapy or separation.
INFO: How frequent is ‘frequent’? Once every few months is one thing. Popping by weekly is another. Also, why can’t they meet somewhere neutral like a park or coffee shop?
Your not wrong.
I would be honest and clear with him …. husband I have no issiue with stepson moving in my mother lives here to you do for family….. that said ex-wife is not family and I feel there needs to be a line drawn somewhere …. at some point we have to put us first – son can visit his mother and bring the dog whenever he wants at her place, or at a dog park Also I don’t feel it is fair to guilt me and act as if im not treating her like a person, we are not obligated to invite every person into our home it doesn’t mean we don’t respect them.
NTA at all. One firm unwavering NO at this time is much better than a million fights and issues down the line. It’s a slippery slope and unless you are ready to be made a fool of ALL your life, you will have to become the “villain of this story” at some time. Better do it now and save yourself the trouble.
The nerve of this old man. FFS. Also please establish clear boundaries regarding the sons stay at your home, with timelines regarding his moving on clearly discussed NOW.
INFO: Is the house in your name only? You should inform your husband that stepson will soon be charged rent. That should motivate him to find a job or move back in with his mom.
Btw who pays for the mortgage on the house? Who paid the deposit ? Basically, how much is the financial contribution from both parties regarding the actual purchase of the house ?
NTA. It sounds like you are being used and you are bankrolling this situation while your husband is bankrolling his ex-wife. I would go further and expect his ex to take her dog and things back and for his son to get a job and hopefully move out.
I think that you have done enough. Your home is where you retreat for peace. He needs to understand. She has exhausted the kindness from you. Put your foot down
Sounds like your husband’s loyalty is to his adult children and ex wife, not to you. He has set up a situation where the ex becomes a fallback in case things go south with you.
Nope your not.
Your hubby found a younger girl. And now it your responsibility to take care of all of his past baggage and mistakes? It wasn’t a package deal…You didn’t married the entire family!
I’m sure your Dad would be highly offended.
NTA
Why your stepson can’t go walk the dog and meet his mother somewhere else?
I would feel really uncomfortable in having my husband’s ex wife visiting and spending time in my home.
Your husband seems a good man but he should realise he’s not responsible for that woman anymore (same for her stuff).
NTA, first, it doesn’t sound like he respects you enough to accept your answer when he asked since he asked and got upset when you said no. Second, depending on how far the ex-wife lives, they should be able to schedule outings so she can visit her kid and dog, such as meeting up at a park or similar. You are treating her like a person. The fact he said that he’s just treating her like person does make it sound like a manipulation to get you to feel guilty and agree. My opinion is to sit him down and ask him how he would feel if you wanted an ex-husband to come to his home frequently. It is your home, and you shouldn’t have to feel upset by not wanting someone who doesn’t live there visiting whenever they want to. You just want your peaceful home to not be interrupted especially since ive heard that being a nurse can be very stressful. Also, you might want to talk to him about the son that lives with you about his motivation because it sounds like the son is very lazy and doesn’t seem to be thinking of his future, which will most likely bite him in the butt later once he graduates from school if he’s school age. Hope this helps at least a bit but if it doesn’t I hope things go smoothly for you.
NTA. It’s inappropriate for her to come by at all. A party or special occasion is fine. Whenever she wants? No way.
NTA – “treat people like people” ??? Uhh what about you? His ex wife can find other ways to visit her son. Set your boundaries and stay firm on them. You’re allowed to have peace in your home.
I’d give the stepson a list of chores/tasks to complete weekly since he’s living there rent free without a job. Tell him if he wants to continue living there rent free he has to find other ways to contribute to the home. He has the time.
The list will keep you from having to deal with it daily. If he doesn’t do the tasks I’d do things like change the WiFi name and password. Right now life is convenient and no one seems to be pushing him so he’s coasting.
Your husband needs to support you and have your back. The chores and the conversation about his ex wife not coming there needs to come from him.
NTA, This is step 1 to letting HER move in, too.
Truly hope that house is in your name only.
That’s funny because he likes to treat people with people, but then maybe he shouldn’t have divorced his ex-wife just saying. There was a reason he divorced her and now he is with you simple as that.
And the lazy son can get off his butt and take the dog and go visit his own mother
As for the saviour complex that your husband has, did he do something to her that he is giving guilty life did he cheat on her or treat her bad now that he feels he has to make it up to her
Throw out the stepson. If that doesn’t help then husband too.
Nta I like to treat people like people but not my current wife…… something is up.
Wow..just wow. I have to ask, how was the son able to live in that other house? He has no money. No job. Etc.
You’re in a quagmire. A sinking ship.
You’re married to a man who has no spine.
He is haunted by his past. Im going to guess he is guilt ridden over his previous marriage being a failure. The ex wife and useless son are master manipulators.
You’re enabling this behavior. Eventually, this will wreck your marriage.
Get your house back. Tell the kid he has to go. If your husband resists, tell him he can go find a place to live with his son. And to get back with his ex.
It is obvious he can’t let go.