I am pregnant (15 weeks) and my husband and I are very happy. The two of us live abroad and the rest of our family lives in our home country. When I told my mom that I was pregnant, she became super happy for me and offered to come here to help to take care of me and the baby. She told me that it was up to me to decide if I wanted her to come before, after or not to come when the baby was born. Remember this. I appreciated the help and told her that I would discuss with my husband the upcoming plans, but it was too soon to decide anything for now. I told her that for sure I would need and appreciate her help when the baby was born and would want my mom by my side.
A few weeks later, my husband told me that he talked with someone at his workplace and he could take 2 months paternity leave. He wants to take those months to bond with the baby and help me with the baby and the house. I thought that this was a great idea and was glad that we would stay together in the first months of the baby.
This weekend I told my mom that my husband would stay home with me for the first 2 months and that after that she could come to stay with us as long as she wanted, to help me and baby, as I would be alone otherwise. Her face dropped and she immediately said “I am not going to be present for the delivery of my grandson?”. At first I didn’t know what to say because that reaction was very different of what she demonstrated before. I told her that I didn’t even know that more than two people were allowed in the delivery room. She said “that’s not what I mean. I thought that I would be there before the baby was born to help you”. I told that I still wanted her help, but after the 2 months, as I would be alone. She said “okay… I guess I am not that necessary anymore”. I told her that was not true and I wanted her help and company, but I needed that time with only my husband and baby. She didn’t say anything and her smile was weird. She quickly gave me an excuse and hang up the phone.
I felt so bad and even thought about changing the plans because of her reaction but my husband told me to do what my heart says.
I don’t want to upset my mom, but I believe this time alone with only my husband and baby would be very important.
Am I the asshole here?
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I am pregnant (15 weeks) and my husband and I are very happy. The two of us live abroad and the rest of our family lives in our home country. When I told my mom that I was pregnant, she became super happy for me and offered to come here to help to take care of me and the baby. She told me that it was up to me to decide if I wanted her to come before, after or not to come when the baby was born. Remember this. I appreciated the help and told her that I would discuss with my husband the upcoming plans, but it was too soon to decide anything for now. I told her that for sure I would need and appreciate her help when the baby was born and would want my mom by my side.
A few weeks later, my husband told me that he talked with someone at his workplace and he could take 2 months paternity leave. He wants to take those months to bond with the baby and help me with the baby and the house. I thought that this was a great idea and was glad that we would stay together in the first months of the baby.
This weekend I told my mom that my husband would stay home with me for the first 2 months and that after that she could come to stay with us as long as she wanted, to help me and baby, as I would be alone otherwise. Her face dropped and she immediately said “I am not going to be present for the delivery of my grandson?”. At first I didn’t know what to say because that reaction was very different of what she demonstrated before. I told her that I didn’t even know that more than two people were allowed in the delivery room. She said “that’s not what I mean. I thought that I would be there before the baby was born to help you”. I told that I still wanted her help, but after the 2 months, as I would be alone. She said “okay… I guess I am not that necessary anymore”. I told her that was not true and I wanted her help and company, but I needed that time with only my husband and baby. She didn’t say anything and her smile was weird. She quickly gave me an excuse and hang up the phone.
I felt so bad and even thought about changing the plans because of her reaction but my husband told me to do what my heart says.
I don’t want to upset my mom, but I believe this time alone with only my husband and baby would be very important.
Am I the asshole here?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1- I decided not to take my mom’s help in the first two months of my baby’s.
2 – I am hurting my mom’s feelings and making her feel that her help is not wanted.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Your kid. Your choice. Period.
NTA
NTA
if she wants to be present at a birth she can give birth.
NTA.
“We’re not having guests in the hospital, or for the first two months. Doctor’s orders.
Allen is taking care of us from January-March. I’d love you to come in March or at any point after March. If that no longer works for you, I understand. I’ll be sure to send you lots of pictures!”
NTA and don’t let your mother guilt you. It makes sense that she wants to be there but you need to do what works best for you and your family. Your husband has already td you that he wants to be there to bond with his child and your mother will be just fine waiting two months to help you. If she truly wants to help you she will be available when you really need her help, not just when she wants to.
This is your baby and your decision. A title to your child does not entitle them to your child, or your delivery room. Be prepared for her to fly out and try to “conveniently” have a holiday near your house near your due date. NTA
NAH, tentatively. It seems like your mom’s reaction was a surprise given the original offer but I’m hesitant to call her an AH. This may just seriously be surprising to her, and yeah not wanting help until 2 months after the birth does kind of feel like the message is that you have it all handled and she’s not needed. It also might have brought up questions like, is she going to have to wait for 2 months after his birth to spend meaningful time with you and with the new baby? Maybe you could have softened it with discussions of other ways she can be involved during your pregnancy, visits you will want to arrange after the baby is born, and so on.
I would guess she is just genuinely hurt, and that was what was behind her reaction.
NTA. Your mom doesn’t want to help you, otherwise she would have accepted your request for help exactly as you need it. She wants to do what she wants to do. I have one like that girl, stay strong.
Absolutely NTA
If you want it to be just you and your own newly formed family then so be it
Your mother’s feelings are not yours to manage
I’m a mother of 3 and when you bring baby home it will be hard, it will be messy but, you will find yourselves in a little bubble where youse are the only people that exist in the whole wide world and it is a type of magic that can only be lived
Stay in that bubble for as long as you can
NTA, but consider accepting both your mom’s help as well as your husband’s. If the original plan was for her to be there, it isn’t taking anything away to have both of their help. Especially if this is your first baby, you’ll likely need all the help you can get. You may find yourself with a lot on your plate, and wishing you hadn’t rejected your mom’s help.
> I told her that for sure I would need and appreciate her help when the baby was born and would want my mom by my side.
NAH. She’s not asshole for being sad this is no longer true. If you feel bad, oh well. She didn’t do anything but process this in real time and she excused herself.
NTA. Your mother can be disappointed but she needs to deal with that on how own, not project it onto you. This is your birth and you get to decide how you want your delivery and post partum to go.
I’ve had two babies and the most precious time in my motherhood has been the month my husband had off for paternity. It’s an incredibly special time for a family to bond and learn how to navigate their new life. Your mother is showing some signs of emotional immaturity and if she’s had a habit of doing that you may be somewhere in the FOG (fear obligation guilt). You’re not wrong for wanting this boundary so please don’t let her guilt you into anything you don’t want to do.
Nta. “The delivery of my grandson” tells you all you need to know. She isn’t showing up for you as much as she is for her own interests.
NAH
You can chose to do whatever you want, and from what you described your mom tried to hide her disappointment.
im not sure how it works there, but here it’s 12 weeks to use within the first year. So a lot of the dads dont use it all at once.
At 15 weeks, it’s early to make any definitive plans; I know a lot of people who changed their minds once they gave birth. So, just be flexible and don’t feel like you need to make plans in stone.
Your mother’s reaction was understandable until she tried to guilt trip you saying she is not needed anymore. That is not healthy and even jokingly can be a red flag in my opinion. Do you have a good relationship with your mother otherwise? It sounds like the classical “you can do whatever you want (as long as it is exactly what i want)” speech from a parent. Congrats on your pregnancy and i hope everything goes super smoothly. Trust your feelings and rely on your husband.
NTA. Typical
Grand Mother who thinks having a grandchild is all about her
Very manipulative and disingenuous to do all the guilt tripping.
Either she wants to help or she doesnt. Don’t let her get to you and make sure you do what’s right by you and your husband at all times.
Family can really overstep when its all go with a baby but on the flip side, do ask for help if you need it.
Hope you get sorted 👍
NTA
Your mother had different expectations of what her experience as a grandmother would be and that’s ok.
Do what feels best for you and your family and then communicate that to each of your families. If you can stay cheerful and matter of fact, it can head off a lot back and forth.
Your mom has 33 weeks or so to get used to it, she’ll be ok. Just let her work through her feelings on her own.