Been cheated on before so have trust issues. Yes I need therapy. Just got a new house with my wife. She has a close guy friend who is part of their friend group who she met 2-3 years ago, I don’t really see him as a threat but would not feel comfortable with my wife to invite him (or any male) to come over if it’s just them 2 by themselves in the house and i’m not home. I’ve brought it up before with her but she invited him over for a “quick dinner” this past weekend. Still haven’t brought it up – just want to see if i’m being irrational. AITA?
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Been cheated on before so have trust issues. Yes I need therapy. Just got a new house with my wife. She has a close guy friend who is part of their friend group who she met 2-3 years ago, I don’t really see him as a threat but would not feel comfortable with my wife to invite him (or any male) to come over if it’s just them 2 by themselves in the house and i’m not home. I’ve brought it up before with her but she invited him over for a “quick dinner” this past weekend. Still haven’t brought it up – just want to see if i’m being irrational. AITA?
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> 1) i didnt take any action yet but am thinking of obviously being mad about it and bringing it up 2) might make me an asshole because it can seem too controlling to come
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
“Not comfortable’ is simply poor terminology imo
It should be no way in hell.
NTA. she is eroding your boundaries. At first; It’s just a quick dinner now with this benign male friend. Then what does it turn into?
I see this as controlling. People have friends of different genders. I think a lot of men would feel as you do. As a woman, the chance of me voluntarily having sex with a male friend or any man not my husband is nil, so I’d find restrictions on how/where/when to catch up with friends burdensome.
Very odd. And you told her you were uncomfortable and she cared more about her friend then your feelings. Might want to do some forensic digging. Huge red flag.
You admit you need therapy–so get it. Before your wife leaves your ass for being controlling.
The important thing here is that you told her it made you uncomfortable, and she still did it. That’s typically bad news.
YWBTA if you do this. If you’re not comfortable with her spending time alone with male friends, then you do see them as threats, and you don’t trust her. Do the therapy you already know you need.
yeah I’d have as much chance as having a lady friend over for dinner as my wife having a guy friend over for dinner… I’ll just make it clear zero chance.
Nothing to do with trust issues. This is beyond disrespectful. I think you made a mistake marrying her.
YTA
Women and men can be friends. At least you know this is something you need to work through.
Cheated on by her? If so, it’s something you need to work out together.
Cheated on by someone else and taking it out on your current partner? Not cool, and yeah, you definitely need therapy. A fucked up thing happened to you, but you need to learn to manage it healthily.
Not wanting your wife to spend time with her friends is bizarre.
They can be alone for dinner any where but your house?
NTA. They could go to a public space. No need for it to be in your house. Plus you already told her how you feel about it.
YTA. Do you trust your wife or not? If you don’t think your wife can be with a male friend without supervision, you should reevaluate either your insecurities or your marriage.
I’d never stay with a partner who would try to control who I can spend time with/under what conditions. If there is no trust, I will leave. Full stop.
YWBTA if you don’t want him there but feel threatened. Seems like a contradiction & that you are concerned about him there and do feel a threat. Good reason though, she’s definitely getting boned by him.
YTA. Putting boundaries on who she can have over in her home is controlling. You’re effectively saying you don’t trust her, that left unsupervised she will cheat on you.
Being cheated on is devastating and means trusting a partner can be hard – but thats something you need to work on in therapy – it absolutely does not mean you get to restrict your partners access to her friends.
NTA. It’s pretty obvious why you (especially given your history) wouldn’t feel comfortable. Sure, at the end of the day you either trust her or you don’t, but at the same time she should want to prioritize your comfort over something completely unnecessary like this. Her actions seem lacking in respect and consideration, in my opinion.
NTA
You don’t hang out with opposite sex friends one on one when your married. That is a reasonable boundary for a marriage.
Did she tell you she invited him over?
YTA
Stop putting your issues on your wife and deal with them.
Your trust issues are your problem. This behavior is controlling.
If she wanted to cheat she could simply leave the house when you’re not there and go meet up with whoever.
How does she know you’re not cheating when you’re off doing whatever? Oh right. She doesn’t. She just has to trust you, because you either trust the person you’re with or you don’t. And if you don’t, you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
YTA.
This just seems like marriage 101. You are not wrong. If she can’t respect this basic request, why be married?
This is a huge red flag 🚩 no way I’d ever be okay with my husband ever being alone with a female ever it’s so weird and he feels the same way about male friends with me.
YTA and are projecting your own trauma and appearing controlling
So she has close friend and instead of dating him she got with you
Do you work? are you aware she can cheat on you outside of the house anytime you aren’t looking?
28F here and I don’t think you’re the A hole. The question is did you discuss this before you were married? Thats a non negotiable for me to be home alone with a man if I were to be married and expect the same for my future husband. All of my friends understand that it’s about respect and would do the same. Either way you said you’re uncomfortable and she still did it. NTA
NTA. It shouldn’t be at your home.
YTA – from reading what you have posted and other comments it seems she isn’t the one who cheated on you, therefore holding her accountable for others shortcomings is unfair, if she had cheated on you sure, justifiably you would have these boundaries. You said it yourself that you need therapy – perhaps you should seek some help before you go down the path of controlling and manipulating her friendships which will undoubtedly cause a rift between you both. Maybe even consider having her go with you to understand how you are feeling and communicate openly with a bit of professional help.
NTA. You have a valid reason and boundary that she does not agree and respect.
It’s 2025. Women are free to sleep with whoever they want. Deal with it. Pay the bills or move on.
Dog people say YTA are crazy and have never been in a relationship and would lose their shit if they ever found someone long term and they did this.
The fact your wife had a guy over for a quick dinner is nuts life isn’t some ultra progressive TV show.
NTA you know that and you know more is going on between them.
Doesn’t everyone say men are never only friends with women, they always are ready to fuck. Unless that man isn’t straight or is in an actual healthy relationship.
What’s your goal? What is she getting out of their relationship? Does he have some sense of humor you don’t? That’s actually not a big deal. You won’t always be the funniest guy in the room. Ideally, you want this person to be as good of a friend to you as he is to her. That would be the healthiest situation.
If he doesn’t like you, let it not be from your suspicious nature, but because he is waiting till she is single. If you are suspicious, sometimes you bring about what you think about.
Also, cameras can make you either feel more secure or less secure about your relationship.
Put yourself in her shoes. Have some girls over when she’s out before you judge her. Don’t knock it til you try it.
YTA. You don’t have a problem with him you say but you have a problem with him coming over? You really got some issues man. Get therapy before you wreck your marriage.
NTA that is not cool.
It’s not controlling, he has every right to have a say who comes to there shared home.
“You can’t go out to dinner” with said person is controlling.
Just tell her you don’t feel comfortable with him at the house or apt, but you’re cool with them going out to eat.
ESH. You do sound controlling and should be working on this instead of putting it on her. She shouldn’t hide guests in your shared home from you. And you should make an effort to get to know your wife’s friends before immediately jumping to conclusions about her and them.
And the bigger thing is if you trust your wife. If you can’t trust her to be faithful to your marriage, then that’s a bigger can of worms.
YTA. You have an issue because of an untrustworthy person in your past. That person is not your current partner and it is unreasonable to try and place restrictions on your wife because you have unresolved issues and are projecting past history with a different person into your wife. You seem to recognize that you need therapy, so really, you should go to therapy and take responsibility for your own issues instead of expecting your wife to limit herself in this way.
I think you need to talk to your wife about it :). i get having fears, but itd be very healthy for you to talk this out with her, and discuss with her that youre not comfortable. theres not really enough info for me to make a judgement.
INFO
You stated she had him over and didn’t tell you. You knew because of the security cameras. Have you confronted her about this and asked why?
NOT TA … my wife and I love and trust each other, but there ain’t now way this would go down in my house. For us, it’s about never having a chance for anything to go down. It’s essential to have healthy boundaries that protect your marriage above all else, and that’s one of them for us. If it’s important to you, draw the line (again).
YTA. You jumped into a relationship and got married before you dealt with the trauma of being cheated on. Now you expect your wife to restrict her friendships and behaviors to manage your trauma instead of you doing so.
If either of my husband or I ever felt like we needed to put that ‘rule’ in place our marriage would be over. And he has more female friends than I do so this is not a case of me not being in your comparable situation.
Either you trust your spouse or you don’t. And if you say you trust her but not him, you don’t trust her.
Would it be any different if she had a female friend over?
Women are just as capable of having affairs with other women as they are of having affairs with men.
why is everyone saying YTA?? did they even read the fact that she’s cheated on u ??
Why can’t he come over when you’re there, problem solved, why does he need to feel the need to be there when you’re not, NTA
I’ve been on the receiving end of this behaviour, where my ex had a huge problem with me seeing my close guy friend. He had also been cheated on by partners in the past (not by me), so I knew he was touchy about this.
Look, it is controlling behaviour. I distanced myself from my friend to make my ex happy and he cooled off because I showed that I took his concerns seriously. I thought this would work and it would demonstrate that I take his concerns seriously, and he would trust me to respect our relationship when with my friend.
The issue was, whenever I wanted to see my friend after the distancing period, it caused a huge fight with my ex. The issue was never resolved. The distance was a bandaid.
You say you bought a new house WITH your wife, so it’s her house, too. She has a right to have her friends over in her own home. It’s not fair for you to restrict that.
This boils down to whether or not you trust your wife. You should consider couples’ therapy and individual therapy to work on this. Putting cameras in the house will only make her feel watched and grow tension. It isn’t a solution. I hope she is receptive to your concerns and works with you to overcome this together.
If your wife invited him over once a month for a meal, I don’t think it would be a problem.
If your wife invited him 1x week…I can understand you starting to be uncomfortable.
If your wife invited him 2-3x week, for hours…… then you have a problem.
You both have communication problems.
Why doesn’t she wait for you to be home and have dinner with him too, NTA