I mentioned to my fiance that I feel I’ve been drinking too much to the point where it was an issue, that I wanted to stop drinking for a while and chnage my relationship with alcohol. He told me he thinks I should never drink again and I disagreed. He has since suggesting boundaries on my drinking if I’m going to drink.
I don’t think I should have rules set on my drinking, it is something for me to manage. I did a month sober and we are now on holiday visiting my parents abroad. He has said I can have 1 or two drinks, less than 50% of the days that we are here. I’m feeling frustrated and resentful of that. Im not saying that I will even necessarily overstep that, because I am wanting to be aware of my drinking and drink less, but I don’t want to feel like if I have a glass of wine with dinner two nights in a row, or even each night that I am breaking rules, or have to ask his permission to do so.
Am I the asshole? He thinks so.
Edit- I was already drinking heavily when we met. So this is a change to what he has always known.
A few people are saying I should set my own limits, I have! I have tried explaining to him that I need to be in control of this decision, not feel policed by him. Im not saying I’m going to do whatever I want when the moment takes me. I simply need to feel that I’m making this decision.
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
I mentioned to my fiance that I feel I’ve been drinking too much to the point where it was an issue, that I wanted to stop drinking for a while and chnage my relationship with alcohol. He told me he thinks I should never drink again and I disagreed. He has since suggesting boundaries on my drinking if I’m going to drink.
I don’t think I should have rules set on my drinking, it is something for me to manage. I did a month sober and we are now on holiday visiting my parents abroad. He has said I can have 1 or two drinks, less than 50% of the days that we are here. I’m feeling frustrated and resentful of that. Im not saying that I will even necessarily overstep that, because I am wanting to be aware of my drinking and drink less, but I don’t want to feel like if I have a glass of wine with dinner two nights in a row, or even each night that I am breaking rules, or have to ask his permission to do so.
Am I the asshole? He thinks so.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told him I dont want to have boundaries set on my drinking, but he tells me that shows I dont care about him and our relationship
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NAH
If you are an alcoholic, which it sounds like you may well be, then it’s grea your partner wants to help you. However he is being controlling around this issue and that’s not great. You should educate yourself on what binge drinking is, how many units of alcohol is safe to consume, the affects of binge drinking and long term drinking. But you probably need outside help here. People who drink to excess are usually doing so to cope with deeper scary issues. You would probably both also benefit from couples therapy going forward to deal with this.
This is a difficult question because whether it is reasonable to have external controls on your drinking depends a lot on whether you are an alcoholic and are unable to control your drinking yourself. Being able to stop for short periods of time doesn’t answer that question, since binge alcoholics can do exactly that, but nevertheless periodically go out of control, sometimes after a single drink. On your side of the issue, neither non-alcoholics nor alcoholics generally respond well to other people trying to persuade or nag or set boundaries on their drinking. The reaction of the individual drinker to rules on drinking isn’t always diagnostic of whether there’s a problem. I do wonder why your fiance is so concerned about your drinking that he’s resorting to such tactics.
I’m going to say ESH, him for his attempt to control your drinking, and you because you don’t seem to be taking his concerns seriously.
ESH.
You say you want to cut down on drinking, but you dont want to actually commit to that. If you can’t state your rules out loud to yourself, then you aren’t going to follow them. “I’ll know when I’ve had enough” isn’t gonna help.
However, HE should not be the one setting or enforcing those rules. That’s for you to manage and him to support, not for him to manage and you to obey.
YTA. Why don’t you come up with rules/boundaries that you want to set for yourself? Why is sticking to one or two a problem? The answer to both is you know deep down you have a problem, and if you start you won’t stop.
It sounds like he has put arbitrary rules down so it makes sense for you to feel that they are arbitrary. Suddenly if you don’t meet the random number he has set out for you, you’re a bad person or a prick.
That’s plainly not reasonable.
I applaud that you’d like to pare down what you’re doing and would assert what you would like your goals to be here. I’m not sure if you explained that to him prior to his arbitrary rules/at all, but I would consider that the counter-conversation here.
ie instead of a 5 drink night, knowing that 4 is your limit maybe you are agreeing to start one drink slower than everyone else or replace one drink with a soda instead – just, introducing your counter-conversation.
Him supporting your initiatives is one thing but him unilaterally deciding the course it’s going to go – not reasonable. It’s your body, it’s your mind you need to reframe or trick and you are better at knowing what will stick. I would keep lines of communication open on how it’s going but limit the control he is looking to have there – I would even (later, if it persists) inquire about why he’s so hell bent on being the decision maker on this one. Not in an accusatory way but in a way where maybe he could ease off / be a little self reflective.
NTA
Very sick of people misunderstanding boundaries – they’re not rules or commands for other people, they are boundaries for oneself. The only boundary you can have about someone else’s actions is to not be around them – e.g. for him: if you drink I’ll break up with you. Or for you: if people are drinking I’ll leave.
Setting rules on drinking has famously helped many alcoholics (/s)
Quitting any addiction has to come from within. He cant control what you consume, only his own actions. Its not helpful to you or your relationship.
ESH – he is right, you should not drink at all BUT has no right to demand it. You’re wrong, you cannot manage your drinking, and you know that already but afraid of your feeling and being labeled an alcoholic.
NTA
This seems like very controlling behavior coming from your fiance. Have you talked to him about why he feels you shouldn’t drink again? If not, start there. If he feels you shouldn’t drink, is he willing to make that sacrifice as well? Also, talk to him about how you feel. Tell him your worries about having a single glass of wine because of his rules. If he gets mad at you and refuses to talk about it, I’d honestly be reevaluating the relationship.
I know I’m a stranger on the internet, but I’m proud of your progress. Good job, OP. A month sober after drinking heavily and making an effort to drink less is an accomplishment, no matter what other people may think
ESH. Just break up. You’re incompatible. He wants someone who won’t drink and you want to be able to drink at least occasionally.
You’re NTA for not agreeing to someone else’s rules, but he is also not if he decides that the amount that you drink is a deal breaker for him.
I think this is hard to judge properly without knowing all the facts but, if he is genuinely concerned about you, he should be having an honest conversation instead of trying to set arbitrary rules. He could have already tried though and this might be his last straw.
I am really sorry that you’re struggling with addiction. I don’t think setting boundaries for others helps, you should set your own boundaries. Yet, it sounds like you aren’t ready for that yet. Did you consider talking with your GP or councillor as a first step?
Edit: You do need to realise that it can be really hard to see your partner struggle with addiction and harm themselves and your relationship with their behaviour. His solution isn’t very helpful but he might feel powerless.
ESH
With all due respect (and kindness in my heart), you’re language hear sounds like a carefully crafted “I can quit whenever I want”. It sounds like you have a real serious problem.
Your fiance shouldn’t be making demands or limits, those are counterproductive. But the hardest thing many people face in life is a loved one that isn’t willing to change a habit that is destroying them. It sucks your soul out and makes you feel helpless.
I genuinely hope you fight this demon. Maybe your fiance is trying to affect too much change when the decision is entirely in your court. Maybe you aren’t drinking too much and he is overreacting and controlling. But maybe he is desperate watching you drink and feeling helpless.
NTA
But you said you wanted to cut back on drinks and he says only have 1-2 drinks. How many more do you want? If it’s more than 3 then that’s why he’s saying only have 1-2. You’re probably borderline alcoholic and he can see that and if you could manage this on your own then you would have a while ago. How are you going to manage your drinking without rules?
Fresh resentment brewing folks, get it while it’s hot!
But seriously, him setting your rules is going to straight up send both of you in the wrong direction, from experience. He’s going to think “I just wanted to help her stick to the plan, alcoholics don’t stick to plans so she must be one” and you’ll think “fuck his rules”
Both of you are right, and also both are wrong. Chrissy, wake up
I’m gonna say NTA, with the caveat that it sounds like he has serious concerns about your drinking, and it sounds like you agree that it’s an issue….so if this is a relationship you’re really invested in, you should take his concerns seriously. Obviously that doesn’t mean “follow whatever arbitrary rules he tries to set”, but it probably does mean actually engaging with him about where his concerns are coming from.
He’s flat wrong about what a boundary is, though. What he’s doing is barking orders at another adult, which has approximately a 0% success rate in the long run and tends to just make everybody mad. What he needs to do is let you know what actions he is going to take if you continue drinking, and that is what a boundary is. Honestly, if you don’t want him involved in your journey, you have every right to just explicitly say that.
“to the point where it was an issue…”
We’re not getting the full story.
What messes have you caused while drunk?
He’s misusing boundaries, a lot of people do. He can’t ‘set boundaries’ about how much you drink. He can say that he doesn’t feel comfortable with you drinking/drinking more than X amount and set a boundary in relation to his own behaviour in response to this. So he could say, if you are going to drink he is not going to attend the meal/event, or he will leave if you drink/drink more than X amount. He can say that he doesn’t want to be with someone who drinks (or drinks more than X amount) and set a boundary that he will not continue the relationship with you/marry you if you continue to drink. He can absolutely talk to you about your drinking, why he feels the way he does about it and why he believes it would be best for you to not drink/drink less than x amount and why he is choosing to set the boundaries (in relation to his own behaviour) that he is setting. You are also free to talk to him about your point of view and you don’t have to agree with him. He can’t dictate your behaviour (obviously) and you don’t need to agree with his opinions on it, but you also can’t dictate his behaviour either. He does not have to agree with you or be ok with your preferred approach. Ultimately, you’ve identified that your relationship with alcohol is an issue yourself. Only you can decide how to deal with that and it might be a more complicated journey than you’re expecting. If you can be open to hearing why he feels the way he does and to the possibility that, perhaps, continuing to drink at all might not work out for you, that’s probably not a bad thing – we only know what you’ve told us and its impossible to say what the right thing for you is. Right now, you don’t believe you need to stop drinking. Maybe that will change, maybe it wont, but he can’t change it for you so you both need to have a conversation about where you go from here, that being the case.
I would suggest you open this app I am sending you. It’s called everything AA.
https://apps.apple.com/app/id1565768051
In the end, this has to be your decision. Until you are able to change, it may be tough to adhere to arbitrary boundaries.
You have to decide to make the change, and stick to it. There are assistance programs for people who make this tough decision. Can’t hurt to check them out and see if there’s one you could manage with.
God luck to you. Positive thoughts coming your way.
Lmao you think you have a drinking problem, fiancé suggests to stop drinking//set boundaries for drinking, and you think that’s out of line? You might not be an AH, but why bring it up to your partner if you’re not going to work on it? You said you wanted to work on it?! They’re trying to help?! And you’re here asking for our help? Just go have another drink and think about not doing anything about your drinking.
U do have a drinking problem if you are wanting to drink more than one drink a week and think about it this much, been there ❤️ it’s poison btw nothing good in it. There Are way better ways to get a buzz without hurting ur body. Like cbd drinks.
If your fiance is commenting on your current and history of heavy drinking, you have a problem. There are likely moments in the past where he was upset, embarrassed or worried about your alcohol intake. He doesn’t think you will be able to keep a lid on it (as presumably you haven’t in the past) and wishes you to quit entirely.
I guess your conundrum is: Do you love your fiance and future more than alcohol? Because it sounds like you can’t have both, and that he is gently telling you that.
NTA. It is not his job to be your hall monitor. You’re the one that has decided you want to cut back, you get to decide when and how much that’s going to be.
INFO – How much did you drink per night before trying to go sober? You say you’ve been a month sober, and normally that means you were drunk a LOT beforehand. If you were, then I hate to say it but you’re likely an alcoholic and it might be that your SO is worried and you might be showing signs of falling back into addiction.
I spent years watching my father drink until he passed out, he was never abusive, never showed the classic “problem drinker” issues, but he drank until it nearly killed him. So when I see someone saying “I have this under control” then I think “No. No you don’t.”
I don’t think anyone is the asshole here. You’ve got a problem, he’s trying to help you fix it, and you don’t like the way he’s trying to help. That’s just a clash of personalities, which happens.
I’m super biased after seeing my sister drink herself to death at the age of 29, so it’s not surprising that I think your fiance is right and you should stop drinking. That also needs to come from you though. If you do it because he says so, it will never work.
You are an alcoholic. Being frustrated about not drinking more than 2 drinks every single day of your vacation means you probably should stop.
Nah, but I am inclined to say that if you have trouble not being drunk 1/2 the time, you might want to seek help.
He doesn’t even say no drinking, a glass or 2 is acceptable in most social interactions.
If you set it to different standards like can we cut ice cream down to less the 50 percent of our desserts. And that person freaked out about boundaries or could not stop.
I would be worried more about the person than the ice cream.
I think you’re taking someone who wants to live their life with you and mistaking it for judgement because you’re defensive of your drinking.
Please get help.
Go to AA. Honestly, you need help, abd you need accountability. Your BF taking on that role is a recipe for resentment on both ends and a sure path to disaster.
Get help from outsiders who will be happy to help, have no emotional expectation from you, and have the experience of every shade of alcoholism.
YTA it’s something called alcoholism
Listen to him, I’m 7 years sober on the 19th and much healthier
No judgment. Just remember that it needs to come from you, not him. Also, the whole “one day at a time” thing is cliche because it’s true. No booze forevermore sounds impossible, no booze today is much more manageable.
I’m an addict (sober from drugs) so going against the grain here but ESH.
Him: he knew you had a drinking problem from the beginning and wanted you to stop yet he got together with you. If heavy drinking was already a deal breaker, then he shouldn’t have dated you to begin with. Now that you’ve decided you wanted to stop, he sees it as his chance to get you to do what he always wanted. In his mind, he’s helping you. But this isn’t the right approach. The right approach is support and advice not requirements.
You from my perspective as an addict: if you have an addiction problem, the only way to quit is quit cold turkey. There’s no “I’ll have a drink here and there and I’ve got it under control” cause you don’t. You either drink or you don’t. Addiction has no grey area. Understand that you’re an addict whether you drink or not. Being an addict has nothing to do with whether or not you’re sober because it’s an illness you can’t change. Addiction is a part of who you are and it will always be in your head asking you satisfy it. Sobriety is about fighting that voice and a pretty standard sentence that voice repeats is “I’ll just cut down my drinking a little bit, I can quit whenever I want”.
Alcohol addiction is the worst of them cause alcohol is widely available everywhere as opposed to illegal drugs where you have to find dealers which is why it’s one of the hardest ones to quit. You’ll have to live with being around people drinking and you being sober. You’ll have to live with the fact that you won’t drink ever again. It’s not easy, it’s hard. But whether it’s alcohol or not, sobriety is fighting the temptation.
You say you want to quit on your own and set your own rules. That’s completely valid. The rule is simple: stop. There’s no other rule in this situation here. So I think you need to face these facts. And explain to your partner that you understand their point of view but if they want to help you, they should support you on your journey not set rules like you’re a kid.
Good luck.
kinda feels like an ultimatum or nah? like, can’t just lay down rules like that and expect everything to be chill.
Soft YTA. While I don’t love the way that he’s going about it, his concern indicates that it’s going to continue to be a problem in your relationship and likely has already caused him worry, etc. Also, the fact that you’re balking so hard at any limits plus your history as indicated above likely means that you should really examine how much you’re letting alcohol control your life
NTA. As someone who used to drink to excess but who wasn’t a full blown alcoholic, I’ve been where you are. I was using it to cope with various abuses in my life that hadn’t been fully addressed in therapy. It didn’t seem like a big deal when I was young and there were no headaches, no hangovers, full recall etc.
Then I started experiencing some occasional memory loss. Not whole days or whole evenings even, just a chunk of conversation or something amidst a few glasses of wine. When my sister died I started to work out a plan to address my relationship with alcohol. Up until that point I was drinking 40-50 drinks a month. Not CDC defined volumes mind you, it was whatever the volume a single order was; didn’t matter if the beer was a 12 or 16 oz, or if i got a 5 or 8 oz wine. It always counted as one.
In the first 21 months, I cut back 38%. The next 21 months it was a further 32%, and in the last 9 months I’ve dropped another 23%. All told I’ve cut my consumption by 68%+. I also finally addressed my childhood with a counselor and have got a handle on everything else that drove me to use booze to cope. I still drink, but i have set boundaries up for myself to help me continue in my success. Now here’s the important part of the story:
My husband met me when I was at 40-50 a month. We still reminisce about some of our early dates and he’ll recount something i don’t remember and the conversation always ends with “I dont remember that; was i drunk?” “Probably.” He does not drink, he never has. A year and a half into dating when I decided to work towards improving, he supported me BUT he did not decide for me how to achieve that goal.
If he was the one calling the shots I would have failed. There’s something, I think, about the agency making your own boundaries and sticking to them that gives you a sense of accountability. If I didn’t hold to a rule I set for myself there’s no one to blame but me. And I still fail sometimes! My birthday last year came at the end of a VERY difficult few months, and we had gone to a favorite restaurant of mine with a fantastic wine list… you can fill in the ending. If I had failed at a rule someone else set for me then that leaves the door open for me to say they’re the ones being unreasonable. It sets up this weird authoritarian, parent-child relationship and because they’re a peer and not an authority figure like a boss or something it breeds resentment.
My husband has never counted my drinks, cut me off, or told me my limit. He has simply supported me while I addressed my demons. I still drink to unwind a bit, and because I like exploring the flavors. I do not drink with strong emotion. If I am sad, mad, or even very happy I avoid alcohol until those feelings are resolved. I track my drinks on a monthly basis and keep a record of the success over 21 months at a time. Not by design that just seems to be the cycle of when im ready to try another reduction. The next drop into consumption will be August next year, I think.
You will not succeed with someone else calling the shots. A big part of addressing use issues is accountability and having someone else policing you robs you of the opportunity to take control. Even the steps in AA, while defined and laid out for you, its up to you to work through them at your pace. The issue here isn’t that there are boundaries, you NEED boundaries to reach your goal, the issue is that you didn’t decide them for yourself. Idk if he THINKS he’s helping and doesn’t know that its not going to end well, but it does feel controlling of him to immediately co-opt the goal you shared with him and turn it into something else.
My advice would be to sit and talk with him about being a cheerleader instead of a policeman and explain how you feel about him setting the rules for your personal journey. Maybe im wrong and he genuinely thinks what he’s doing is helping. But you can’t expect him to change how he supports your efforts if he doesn’t know why it’s not.
NAH if you both realise that you can only set a boundary for yourselves.
Your partner can say “I will leave if you drink” and you can say “I’ll only drink this much”
But neither of you can impose it on the other
No one should be setting your rules, but it sounds like you aren’t taking your drinking seriously enough.
Personally, I would establish my own rules. There are also apps that help you manage how much you drink..
Without rules, there is no accountability. Accountability is probably what your partner is looking for.
If the people closest to you are telling you to never drink again, listen to them
You’re an alcoholic. This may end your relationship or life. When you’re an alcoholic you can’t have “just one”.
There could of been an easier way to handle all of this, but it really does sound like you’re an Alcoholic and need some help. YTA get some help or lose everyone. Your call.
YTA. I’m going to tough here. Because I’ve seen what alcoholism does. My 70 year old aunty is in heart failure, 2 broken hips in the last year, has alcoholic dementia, and I’m on a first name basis with a hospital 5 hours away (I’m her co-next of kin to take weight off my mum).
Because of her alcoholism, she doesn’t have a close relationship with myself or my brothers or their children because of it.
My great uncle hasn’t had a drop of alcohol in his life due to seeing how alcohol destroyed my grandmother’s and now my aunty’s life.
You mentioned you were a heavy drinker and your fiance has obviously seen that. For him to say that he thinks you should never drink again – if you need a wake up call, that is it.
For him to say that, especially while you’re on holidays – means that you have gotten to a point where you might not even realise how bad it has gotten.
Ask yourself this – if you won’t stop for the love of your life, what will stop you?
How bad does it have to get?
How much do you have to lose before you stop drinking?
Is losing him what it takes?
What do you love more – him or the alcohol?
I can tell you from experience that even love isn’t enough to have someone stay when dealing with alcoholism.
I can also say from experience, that if you don’t stop now – your body will pay for it