I (29F) have a group of 4 girls who are my best friends. We’ve known each other since high school. Over time our friendships have changed, but I’m still very close to all of them, except one.
We kinda had a fallout in November 2020 when she got mad that I didn’t want to attend her birthday party during the pandemic. Since then it hasn’t felt the same.
She’s always had a tendency not to text back, which makes me feel like she’s not interested. Since we rarely see each other due to work, texting is the only way to feel close, so when that’s not there, I naturally feel disconnected. There have also been some hurtful situations between us. All of that has just added to the distance. Years ago she said that not replying was due to her ADHD, and while I get it, it doesn’t change the fact that regular communication is important especially with close friends.
Sometimes when we hang out as a group I notice she has lots of attitudes or beliefs I don’t really agree with. It’s made me wonder if I even like her as a person anymore.
Now the issue is that I don’t even feel like talking to her. I don’t feel like sharing things with her or asking about her life. The connection doesn’t feel there anymore.
In our group, we always plan something nice for each other’s birthdays. Last year, after having a deep conversation in January about our frustrations, things didn’t really change. We saw each other maybe twice that year and texted personally a few times. When her birthday came around in November, I didn’t feel like organizing anything. I was also struggling financially and didn’t want to fake it or be dishonest about how I was feeling. One friend organized a dinner but I didn’t go.
My birthday is in January 4. I wasn’t expecting anything from her. In fact, I kind of hoped she wouldn’t do anything so we’d be “even”. On New Year’s, she messaged me saying she was hurt I didn’t celebrate her, also apologized for being distant while giving lots of excuses. That confused me. If I hadn’t been present in a friend’s life, I personally wouldn’t expect a birthday celebration from them. I tried to explain, kindly, that I loved her and the distance made me sad, but that I didn’t like feeling like I had to chase her. She said she understood and that she’d try to be more present.
This year has been the same. We’ve only spoken in the group chat and saw each other once in January for my birthday. (She did plan something with my other friend for me)
Honestly, I feel like I don’t want to be friends anymore. I don’t think we have much in common now aside from the group. But that makes it awkward, because I’m the only one who wants to stop being friends.
I decided not to do anything for her birthday this year. I expect she’ll feel disappointed or mad, but part of me feels like if that happens, maybe we can just let the friendship fade. I don’t know if I should talk to her again. We’ve had so many talks and nothing really changes. I just feel done. AITA?
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I (29F) have a group of 4 girls who are my best friends. We’ve known each other since high school. Over time our friendships have changed, but I’m still very close to all of them, except one.
We kinda had a fallout in November 2020 when she got mad that I didn’t want to attend her birthday party during the pandemic. Since then it hasn’t felt the same.
She’s always had a tendency not to text back, which makes me feel like she’s not interested. Since we rarely see each other due to work, texting is the only way to feel close, so when that’s not there, I naturally feel disconnected. There have also been some hurtful situations between us. All of that has just added to the distance. Years ago she said that not replying was due to her ADHD, and while I get it, it doesn’t change the fact that regular communication is important especially with close friends.
Sometimes when we hang out as a group I notice she has lots of attitudes or beliefs I don’t really agree with. It’s made me wonder if I even like her as a person anymore.
Now the issue is that I don’t even feel like talking to her. I don’t feel like sharing things with her or asking about her life. The connection doesn’t feel there anymore.
In our group, we always plan something nice for each other’s birthdays. Last year, after having a deep conversation in January about our frustrations, things didn’t really change. We saw each other maybe twice that year and texted personally a few times. When her birthday came around in November, I didn’t feel like organizing anything. I was also struggling financially and didn’t want to fake it or be dishonest about how I was feeling. One friend organized a dinner but I didn’t go.
My birthday is in January 4. I wasn’t expecting anything from her. In fact, I kind of hoped she wouldn’t do anything so we’d be “even”. On New Year’s, she messaged me saying she was hurt I didn’t celebrate her, also apologized for being distant while giving lots of excuses. That confused me. If I hadn’t been present in a friend’s life, I personally wouldn’t expect a birthday celebration from them. I tried to explain, kindly, that I loved her and the distance made me sad, but that I didn’t like feeling like I had to chase her. She said she understood and that she’d try to be more present.
This year has been the same. We’ve only spoken in the group chat and saw each other once in January for my birthday. (She did plan something with my other friend for me)
Honestly, I feel like I don’t want to be friends anymore. I don’t think we have much in common now aside from the group. But that makes it awkward, because I’m the only one who wants to stop being friends.
I decided not to do anything for her birthday this year. I expect she’ll feel disappointed or mad, but part of me feels like if that happens, maybe we can just let the friendship fade. I don’t know if I should talk to her again. We’ve had so many talks and nothing really changes. I just feel done. AITA?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I could be the asshole because of acting and doing something (not celebrating her birthday) I know could hurt her.
Although my friends agree that her lack of communication is annoying, somehow they manage to see past it and are still very willing to chase after her. I don’t know if it it’s because they are too generous or because I’m too resentful.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA. She has made no effort to maintain the friendship. Why waste your limited free time hanging out with someone that you no longer want to be friends with.
NTA I’ve been in your shoes. For the sake of the group dynamic, I’d match her effort but nothing more. So if the other friends plan a dinner for her bday, attend but don’t put in effort to do any planning yourself. Don’t text her, only respond to her texts, etc. Then you’re not putting discomfort on the other friends, and if she approaches you again about you not putting in any effort you can turn it around on her and just say that you have accepted the amount of effort and time she is able to put into your friendship and you’re doing the same because for you to give more was starting to build resentment. And if she gets defensive, blames her ADHD, just repeat that you’re not upset with her, in fact you’re accepting her limitations.
She put in the effort to talk to you about how she felt prior to your birthday. I don’t understand why you can’t have that same conversation with her. Avoiding the issue and just hoping she’ll just fade away even though you share a friend group is immature.
NTA. You’ve outgrown the friendship and there just aren’t necessary efforts from both people to try to get back to what it once was. You’re allowed to accept that and let the friendship go. It sounds like you’ve had enough conversations with her about this that she really shouldn’t be surprised.
YTA. How are you 29 and having preteen problems
You don’t need to communicate frequently to keep your friendship. Most adults are busy. Not meeting up more than twice a year is typical. You being shocked at your friend being the adult and reaching out is hilarious.
Honestly so far the only AH thing your friend has done has been the pandemic birthday thing, but honestly based on this post, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were other factors at play you aren’t tell us
Don’t maintain the friendship if you don’t want to but grow up and say so. You sound exhausting
if someone else isnt making the effort, tbh you dont have to either. its always sad to lose a friend, but sounds like maybe she stopped being a real friend a while back.
YTA
This is childish and not even a real AITA. You just need some type of validation to do something you already know you’re going to do anyway. Like someone else said, the only thing she did wrong was host the party. She gave you here excuses about different things nad you admit you don’t even like her so why are you even in a group chat and why are you having 12 year old issues? Let the friendship go
NAH, sometimes people grow in different directions. A fundamental part of growth is realizing what you need to release when it no longer serves you. I’ve had people I knew that grew into hateful, spiteful people. I’m not saying that’s the case here, but we’re supposed to grow and change our whole lives. Sometimes, it means letting old friendships die.
Why are u forcing a friendship simply bc you’ve known her for X amount of time? It’s called growing apart..you aren’t obligated to keep the exact same ppl in your life who u were once close to. I know it sucks facing it, but you two are two different ppl who don’t mesh together. I didn’t even finish reading, but I’ve read enough.