My (39M) and my wife Emily (38F) have been married for 12 years. Emily has a son James (17) from a previous relationship with Dan. Em left Dan when she caught him cheating with a co-worker. They shared 50/50 custody of James. I met Em about a year after he had left Dan. A year later, Dan married his affair partner, and Em and I got married soon after.
James never really bonded to me. I admit that I tried a little too hard initailly to get him to like me, but backed off when I realized I was trying too hard and it was having the opposite impact. Over the years, we’ve built a tense acceptance of sorts, if that makes sense.
Em and I have three kids (10F, 7M & 4M). James doesn’t have a good relationship with them either. He bonds well with Dan’s sons, but doesn’t like spending much time with our kids. He isn’t mean to them but just ignores them mostly. The eldest two now just avoid him when he is home.
Em and I both have well paying jobs and early on, we decided that I would contribute 80% to our trio’s college fund, and Em would do 20%, cause she would contribute 100% to James’ college fund. We didn’t know if Dan was making any such arrangements on his end, but we thought that at least this way James would have something instead of nothing.
Em recently sat him down to talk to him about his college fund. He seemed happy with the financial help he was going to get. He went off to Dan’s for the weekend and when he came back he asked Em about our kid’s college funds. When he learned that the amount was fairly higher than his, he was upset. When he asked about the disparity, Em told him about our college fund set up. He was furious to know that I hadn’t contributed to his college fund. He said that I was just pretending to play “family” with him all these years. That I really didn’t care about him and was a heartless AH.
Em suggest that we could take some money out of our youngest’s fund and give it to James and that she would add it back overtime. But she said that it’s my call. That she won’t pressurize me either way and would accept whatever I decided.
Quite frankly, I don’t want to do it. James idolizes his shitty father, even now that he knows he cheated on his mother. I could deal with his crappy behaviour with me, but I never understood his attitude towards our kids. We even tried going to family therapy, he refused to go because I wasn’t his family. Now when he needs money, suddenly I am family.
I know I am perhaps being petty, but I don’t want to give him the money. AITA?
Comments
He doesn’t deserve the money dawg, his father can pay, keep the money set for your own kids
When he learned that the amount was fairly higher than his,
Why would this even be something you shared with a child
NTA – you’re only family when he needs money.
I wouldn’t be suprised if he asked about your kids because his Dad told him he doesnt have much for him. That isn’t your problem; he should have cultivated a relationship with you independently that might have allowed you to want to help. That isn’t the case, in fact its the opposite. He bonds with Dads family and ignores yours, let him go continue bonding with Dad.
NTA – His father put that entitlement into his head that he should have the same amount as the other kids. Except, his own father should had been saving for him as well and obviously did not.
NTA. No. You already supported him by taking up part of his mother’s responsibility, which freed her to save for him.
NTA but why in the world did your wife tell him about your other kid’s college funds? It’s simply none of his business and giving him the details was just going to upset him. He was perfectly fine with the arrangement before he knew the younger kids are getting more than him.
Your wife is the asshole for opening up a conversation about money with her 17 year old son, and even more of TA for suggesting you take money out of the other kid’s funds to make James happy. I don’t blame him for getting upset, but your wife needs to contribute more to his fund if she wants to make him happy.
I would only do it if you want any relationship with the stepson in the long term for both you and your wife.
Each child had 2 parents and his father is responsible for the shortfall difference.
You realized a long time ago that you weren’t a father to him but rather his mother’s spouse which is why you both split the funding this way.
A bit confused a bit by the shortfall.
You. 80+80+80
Your wife. 20+20+20+100
He should technically have more than the other kids unless her 100 was less than your 80?
Nta. He would then be at an advantage cause 3-4 are now contributing to him. But only 2 to your kids. Did his dad not save for him? Is he pissed at Bio Dad for not helping? He seems like an ungrateful brat. He didn’t even know he was getting help from his parents. Now he demanding everything? No. Your original agreement is fine. He gets what he gets and he says, “thank you.”
Nta just let him know that you and em made this decision together as partners and you’re sorry that he’s upset but you will not be taking from him siblings to give to him.
NTA- he has his own father, you’re already contributing with your wife’s higher investment. If parents money is parents imagine step-dads. IMO it was disrespectful
He was happy he had a college fund, why did he need to know about the siblings college fund. What was the reason you disclosed that to him?
That was your mistake. he only needed to know what was ready for him.
I am sorry but your wife didn’t need to tell him about your arrangement or how much his half siblings had in their college fund.
As for the shitty father, I am sure he’ll figure out soon enough that the guy is not reliable.
Couldn’t you help him financially another way, I mean without touching the college fund of your kids ? To make a nice gesture … ?
He has two parents to contribute to college. They can find him. Sounds like Dan had better step up.
NTA idk I would probably say we will match whatever your father does? 0 of 0 is 0,
He previously decided you weren’t family. He doesn’t get to change that now that he wants money.
YTA. Ouch. Whether you intend to or not, your post oozes with this being a punishment for your stepson for being a pretty normal teen with a blended family.
There is a 7-11 age gap between him and his step siblings. That’s a lot. They have no interests in common, and many (maybe most) 17 year olds don’t relish having to entertain young kids (cause at those ages you are usually “playing” with them). Don’t hold that against him, and stop comparing how you think he acts with his other stepsiblings.
You haven’t said anything about Dan’s behaviour to his son. Yeah, he cheated on Em (so shitty partner), but he may be a great dad. And even if he isn’t, kids love and often idolize their parents. It can be tough to watch when we don’t think a parent deserves it, but we just have to be there for them if or when the realization hits that dad isn’t so perfect. Don’t punish him for loving his dad, or not being receptive to your efforts to bond, when you yourself admit you came on too strong. That pushed him away. You need to deal with that.
You haven’t said you cannot afford not to help at all with college. You just choose not to. You also apparently didn’t bother to coordinate with his dad to find out what was happening (that’s on your wife; she may hate her ex, but they are still raising a child together, and so she owes that much to her child).
You can obviously decide how to contribute to a college fund how you see fit. But don’t be surprised if your stepson wants nothing to do with you when you so clearly treat him as less deserving of your support than your biological children.
NTA on the money thing but it feels like you guys didn’t do nearly enough to blend your family. It’s a little crazy he doesn’t even have a relationship with his own siblings.
NTA for not adding to his. Your wife is the AH should have never told him the amounts in the other kids accounts as it had nothing to do with him.
Updateme
NTAH 100%
You’re not his parent, you’re his ATM. He didn’t want you to play family with him and he basically ignores your children despite having a relationship with his cheating father’s children.
NTA. He’s just an entitled brat.
NTA.
“You have two parents to contribute. Your anger should be placed on your FATHER for failing to save, not on me who you have been very clear from the get go was not a parent figure to you. You do not get to reject that and then expect the perks of it.”
Well he has a father, it’s up to the father to pay.
This is a fake post for karma. First, he wrote “I met Em about a year after he had left Dan,” instead of “she.” The AI bot screwed the pronouns up.
Second, when you’re married for 12 years, you don’t keep separate finances to the point where you keep track of how you’re going to fund a college fund. This 80/20 is the kind of thing two businesses would agree in a joint venture, not two spouses in a marriage.
Third, “that she won’t pressurize me either way.”
No real person uses “pressurize” to mean “pressure a person.” “Pressurize” is what you use with gases.
What a stupid, fake post.
He’s nearly an adult. NTA
NTA. The other kids funds were none of his business to begin with. Your wife has a 10 year head start in saving for James’ college fund. The fact that it’s low isn’t on you.
Before I continue, does his Bio dad have more saved in his son’s college fund?
“I wasn’t playing family, I was trying to be your family. You made it very clear that you didn’t want that. You made it very clear you did not care for your siblings. Am I only your family as a wallet?”