I (33M) used to be married to my best friend “Callie” (33F). I’m gay, she’s a lesbian. We grew up in a conservative town in the Deep South where coming out wasn’t really an option. So when we were 20, we got married. It was a way to avoid questions and stay safe.
We moved out of state a few years later, got divorced soon after. There was no drama; we were always just friends, and we’ve stayed close. We still hang out regularly.
I recently married my husband, Miguel (30M). A couple months later, Callie married her wife, Bree (34F). Both weddings were low-key, and while Miguel and Bree aren’t close, they’re friendly enough when we’re all together.
A week ago, Callie suggested the four of us take a trip together as a kind of double honeymoon. She thought it would be meaningful since we’ve known each other for so long and have been through a lot together. She had a couple destinations in mind and said it could be fun to celebrate this new chapter side by side.
I told her I appreciated the thought, but Miguel and I weren’t really comfortable with that. We’re planning a small trip for just the two of us, and we’d rather keep it that way. It’s not personal, it’s just something we want to experience privately.
Callie didn’t take it well. She said it felt like I was distancing myself now that I got what I wanted, and brought up how we had each other’s backs for years. I told her I didn’t mean to hurt her, but I think we’re allowed to want our own space as a couple.
Now things are a little tense. Bree messaged me to say she gets it, but Callie’s upset and feels like I brushed her off.
I’m wondering now if I was too blunt or if I should’ve handled it differently. AITA for not wanting to do a double honeymoon?
Comments
No you shouldn’t take another couple where the goal of a honeymoon is intimacy and taking your partner to poundtown.
NTA. She probably just misses you, got the idea and got excited. Is there something else you can all do together? I’d suggest that to her.
Taking your ex wife and her new spouse with you on your honeymoon? Nah. She cray cray.
NTA
It would be fine for the two couples to take a trip together but don’t label it as a honeymoon. You already have an idea about what you and your husband want to do for your honeymoon and ultimately he is always going to be your No. 1 just like Callie’s should be Bree now.
NTA. Maybe suggest another dual vacation later, but a joint honeymoon? No way. That isn’t reasonable.
NTA. At all. I can understand why you and Miguel wouldn’t be keen on that, and think Callie is wildly over-reacting. Congrats on the wedding, and enjoy your honeymoon for two. Callie will get over it.
NTA. Aren’t honeymoons meant to be intimate trips for the newly wed only? Callie should just plan something reasonable for another time.
NTA. Not sure more than a handful of people would ever want a double honeymoon. Sounded like you said no super politely too.
NTA, but you could compromise on spending a weekend with the four of you (not as part of the honeymoon, just a random weekend as friends).
She probably just misses you and is afraid you might vanish into your relationship, because many people do that.
Honeymoons are for a newly married couple, not couples! Even without the history between you it would be weird.
NTA
wtf no, NTA. Go on your honeymoon with your new husband and enjoy being together. On what planet are honeymoons a team sport?
Maybe you all could do a long weekend or something in like, P-town or Palm Springs or some similar spot that is lax and fun for a gay friend trip.
Why is she upset to not share her honeymoon with another couple? Honeymoons traditionally being private post-wedding bonding time for newly married couples.
NTA. Her attitude is weird.
I do think that theoretically you could have handled it better, but honestly, based on your account, I can’t see how. Maybe she misses you a lot which is why she’s upset.
NTA. Does she even love her wife?
Tell her that maybe we could be the kind of exes that travel together with our new spouses every other year or something, but there’s no way I’m turning my honeymoon with my new spouse into a group event and I don’t know why her wife would be okay with it, either.
She also got what SHE wanted, didn’t she? That’s just weird.
NTA your honeymoon is for your and your spouse only.
Can you not do a separate honeymoon and then do a couples trip together? Does it have to be the “honeymoon”?
Hey dude NTA. Gay here. Almost same situation but we never married. Husband at 27. Her with lover at 28. When we were 29 husband and I planned a vacation. Not exactly a honeymoon but close. She tried to invite her and her partner along. Big no. Huge strain on relationship for awhile. She got over it and a few years later admitted it would have been a disaster.
NTA. She needs to grow the hell up. You are your own person and are able to function without her being there. She is the ex. She should enjoy her new marriage without her ex
Double honeymoon? NTA.
Offer to go on a double date weekend sometime soon.
NTA. Being mad at someone for not wanting to share a honeymoon is like being mad at them for being gay. It doesn’t need justification it’s just your preference, and neither is right or wrong. I’ve known people who have taken extended family on their honeymoon, and others, who basically disappear with just the two.
I would offer a joint vacation at some future date, if you want to stay close, but you’re definitely NTA for having a preference about how you spend your honeymoon.
Maybe plan another little trip all together that’s not a honeymoon trip…?
NTA.
Do your honeymoon. Maybe next year go for a trip with Callie and Bree. Problem solved.
Just offer a trip later that isn’t horning in on your honeymoon.
No your feelings are valid. My wife is Thai and we got married there. But my daughter and a bunch of my friends flew over for the wedding. Then we all went to Koh Samui for the honeymoon.
That was our joint choice as a couple. But your choices are your own to make.
What does she mean by “now that you got what you wanted” ? Does she feel like the lavender marriage was more for your benefit than hers? Did she give up assets in the divorce for the sake of keeping the friendship? I’m confused by that
Fake post.
NTA – suggest going to brunch instead. Way more appropriate.
Your wording was fine when you said no. She needs to accept this and move on.
NTA. It’s your honeymoon! Go with your partner.
You can plan another trip with them…that isn’t your honeymoon.
Just don’t call it a honeymoon and do it next year
Definitely not; a double honeymoon with your “ex” that isnt fair for the new partners or either of you. Id talk to Callie and let her know that you respect her as a close friend, and even though a double honeymoon isnt right at this time, why dont you plan a trip for the four of you in a few months or the next year? Honeymoons are about celebrating your new lives together and being intimate, having your ex there and always around will make for a very tense trip.
no-this is not a good idea!
NTA
Callie’s suggesting wasn’t completely unreasonable, but your reasons for turning it down are also completely understandable. She needs to accept that. Assuming your rejection was as polite as you’ve described it here, you aren’t an AH for turning it down or the way you turned it down. If you want to try to soften things more, you could say that you’d love to take a joint trip sometime in the future (assuming this is true).
It sounds like Callie is having a little trouble adjusting to you having a (romantic) partner who is sometimes going to play the role that she used to play and will often be closer to you than her. This is normal and understandable, but also ultimately her issue to deal with. Venting to a professional or her own new partner would be more appropriate than lashing out at you.
NTA – but you could have suggested a special night out just the four of you to celebrate both marriages. It might have softened your initial response. I can see how she’s worried she’ll lose you. She cares about you!! There has to be a middle ground that works for all.
You can go on a couples’ trip later.
Couples’ HONEYMOON sounds so weird!!! That’s so intimate time with your partner, just for the 2 of you. No way I would have had anybody tagging along with us on our honeymoon.
NTA.
I haven’t seen any other conspiracy theorists on here, so I’ll volunteer. Is there any chance Callie hasn’t come clean to everyone in your life about your divorce and subsequent marriages to other people? Seems like a double honeymoon would be a great way to go on a honeymoon with Bree to a specific location but also get photos with you in that same location that could be presented to those not in the know.
I think you handled it perfectly. She’ll get over her disappointment.
NTA it’s a honeymoon not a couples vacation. My answer would be hell no.
NTA It sounds like Callie’s a little codependent, the “now that I got what I want” sounds like she wasn’t entirely on board with the divorce or there’s some resentment. I think it would probably benefit everyone concerned that y’all have some physical and emotional distance
NTA. But consider another couples activity for all 4 of you .
NTA – I think maybe she is just worried there won’t be time for your friendship anymore – go out to dinner or something special with her so she knows that the friendship still matters to you
nta it’s understandable to want a private honeymoon
Do double dates. Double vacays. If you are a “comfort object” then she probably is a little afraid of distance or a wall being put up. Lots of friendships have fallouts after marriage.
Reassure your friend. Remind her you love her and appreciate her deeply. And that you and Miguel wanna have the standard honeymoon experience. It’s not like yall couldn’t have a joint vowel renewal. And then a second honeymoon but do it together. But that’s down the road a ways and yall have time to talk about it and think about it! I hope your friendship thrives and your marriages are full of joy!
Go on your honeymoon and plan another trip for 4 in the future.
I think maybe she just meant couples vacation? You can put whatever label you want on it but it’s just a couples vacation in my eyes. You and your husband can go on a honeymoon on top of this. Double vacation!