AITA for not wanting to go to my friend’s wedding.
So I’ve been part of a friendship group from school, we’ve all known each other about 15 years as a collective group of 8. Last year my friend announced that she’s engaged and obviously that’s super exciting. For context also she’s the first out of the group to be engaged, they’ve been together for I think 7 or 8 years? Maybe longer I don’t know, very much a couple that have just existed together for what seems like forever.
Additionally I’ve been with my partner for 3 years and it’s pretty apparent we’re serious (buying a house, timelines on kids/marriage). Them as a couple are also very familiar with him, we have hosted them several times/often have socialised together and they have said they really like him.
Now before we received their wedding invite she did pre-warn me in a passing comment due to venue size (they’re getting married at a registrary office) they had to make cuts to who can come to the wedding ceremony and one of the cuts they made is “people who arent married are being treated as plus ones”. I was like cool I get it, weddings are expensive and political but not really thinking through what it practically meant. Then when the invite came (which, I’m going to be petty, literally the laziest wedding invite I’ve seen, it feels like an afterthought) and it’s addressed to only me. I go to the RSVP website and there’s a brief mention of plus ones but it was vague. I ask her directly what time the reception is after the ceremony, expecting that he’s invited to that, and I’m informed he is invited only as “an evening guest” which starts around 8pm and is effectively conference room where food and drinks must be bought by yourself. The venue also is quite far for us to get to which means travelling separately in wedding attire and I can’t help but feel not considered about at all.
Then to add salt to the wound that week we met with another friend of mine who is also engaged. This was the first time my partner had met her and her fiancé (just because they live so far away) and it was very much “hello nice to meet you, oh here is a save the date for our wedding and you’re both invited obviously”. The contrast is palpable.
So now I’m in a situation where I feel really… frankly shitty whatever my decision is. Additionally any decision I make about attendance feels like it’s going to be a statement to our broader friendship group. But equally I just feel like splitting couples up for a wedding is a really shitty and unfair thing to do. It feels wholly disrespectful to my partner. All for the function of saving a bit of money?
I don’t know, I feel so deflated and unethused about it all now I don’t even want to go altogether but then that makes me an arsehole. I just need some perspective here.
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AITA for not wanting to go to my friend’s wedding.
So I’ve been part of a friendship group from school, we’ve all known each other about 15 years as a collective group of 8. Last year my friend announced that she’s engaged and obviously that’s super exciting. For context also she’s the first out of the group to be engaged, they’ve been together for I think 7 or 8 years? Maybe longer I don’t know, very much a couple that have just existed together for what seems like forever.
Additionally I’ve been with my partner for 3 years and it’s pretty apparent we’re serious (buying a house, timelines on kids/marriage). Them as a couple are also very familiar with him, we have hosted them several times/often have socialised together and they have said they really like him.
Now before we received their wedding invite she did pre-warn me in a passing comment due to venue size (they’re getting married at a registrary office) they had to make cuts to who can come to the wedding ceremony and one of the cuts they made is “people who arent married are being treated as plus ones”. I was like cool I get it, weddings are expensive and political but not really thinking through what it practically meant. Then when the invite came (which, I’m going to be petty, literally the laziest wedding invite I’ve seen, it feels like an afterthought) and it’s addressed to only me. I go to the RSVP website and there’s a brief mention of plus ones but it was vague. I ask her directly what time the reception is after the ceremony, expecting that he’s invited to that, and I’m informed he is invited only as “an evening guest” which starts around 8pm and is effectively conference room where food and drinks must be bought by yourself. The venue also is quite far for us to get to which means travelling separately in wedding attire and I can’t help but feel not considered about at all.
Then to add salt to the wound that week we met with another friend of mine who is also engaged. This was the first time my partner had met her and her fiancé (just because they live so far away) and it was very much “hello nice to meet you, oh here is a save the date for our wedding and you’re both invited obviously”. The contrast is palpable.
So now I’m in a situation where I feel really… frankly shitty whatever my decision is. Additionally any decision I make about attendance feels like it’s going to be a statement to our broader friendship group. But equally I just feel like splitting couples up for a wedding is a really shitty and unfair thing to do. It feels wholly disrespectful to my partner. All for the function of saving a bit of money?
I don’t know, I feel so deflated and unethused about it all now I don’t even want to go altogether but then that makes me an arsehole. I just need some perspective here.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Im going to rsvp no to my friends wedding, we’ve been friends for about 15 years.
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NTA, it’s shitty to treat the unmarried couples like second class citizens. They clearly feel bad about this and so came up with the separate room plan, but that’s a bad idea. Either invite people or don’t, having tiered levels of guests is crazy.
I’m sure you’re not the only guest that’s going to balk at this. I’m also sure it will cause a lot of stress for your friend. I guess it comes down to how important it is for your partner to go with you. Honestly, with what sounds like a large wedding, you probably won’t say more than a couple words to the couple on the day. Might be nicer for you to just go to the wedding alone (sounds like you’ll have the rest of your friend group there) and then plan something with just the newlyweds and you and your partner at another time.
edit: I think I might have misunderstood something about the reception; are there two separate rooms, one for regular guests where food is included and then a separate room for the plus ones where everything has to be paid for?
NTA. I hesitate to call your friend TA, I don’t know the circumstances that led to the decision, but you’re perfectly within your right to say you don’t want to go under those conditions.
NTA. And just think of a wedding invite as just that, an invite to a social event. It’s not a court summons. When you don’t want to go, decline (do the RSVP thing, it’s odd people don’t,) and go on with your life.
Just tell them everything you listed here. The travel, the different arrival times, etc. Your husband hasn’t been properly invited, and you’re opting to stay with your husband. You don’t have to bring up the emotional components at all. Your friends already know that what they’re doing is tacky and rude, they’re just hoping everyone will play ball as if it isn’t. Your practical reasons will make their emotional impact clear. Someone else already nailed it when they said a tiered guest system is (and this part is paraphrased) fucked up.
NTA, don’t attend this shit.
YTA
“, literally the laziest wedding invite I’ve seen” – Ever hear of saving money where you can to spend it on something more important?? I don’t know about you, but I’d much rather send out cheap invitations and use the remaining money on… I dunno…. My honeymoon!!
Getting mad cause you were invited to a different friend’s wedding doesn’t make much sense. It’d be one thing if you found out that other couple got invited to this wedding and you didn’t. You (both) not getting invited to the entire wedding but both being invited to a completely different wedding have nothing to do with one another.
The fact that you take this as an insult is quite comical. Not everyone is willing to spend $20,000 on a wedding.
If you’re that hell bent on him going, offer to pay for your plates and anything else for him to go. That, or just suck it up and he can chill in your hotel room until it’s time for him to go. There’s no reason for you to travel alone if he’s actually going but just at a different time.
NAH. You’re free to not go. That’s perfectly ok.. but she’s also free to invite whoever she wants (and whoever she can afford) to her wedding.
I think the “all for the function of saving a bit of money” is unfair.. weddings can be expensive and if they can’t afford it they can’t. It’s perfectly reasonable for them to have a wedding that fits whatever budget they choose. It would be irresponsible to go into debt, or spend beyond their means.
That said, I understand why you feel it’s disrespectful to your partner and if it were me I’d send a message letting them know that you won’t be attending since your partner isn’t invited.
YTA not for not wanting to go to the wedding, but for the way you speak about your so called friend. From your post it sounds like they’re planning this wedding on a budget and even pre-warned you that he wouldn’t be invited.
If you don’t want to go to a wedding without your boyfriend that’s fine but going on to talk shit about their invitations and act as if this is a personal slight against you because your other friend invited your bf is weird. It’s also incredibly odd that you feel as if inviting your boyfriend to their wedding should be more important than their financial situation/security.