I (20m) moved out of my mom’s (42f) house a couple of years ago when I went to college. Until 10 months ago I had my own room there but her fiancé (45m) and his two kids (6m and 4f) moved in with her. The 4 year old has a host of disabilities. I know they have a seizure disorder and a condition called osteogenesis imperfecta. But I believe there’s another one involving paralysis or spasms of the stomach/esophagus. My mom took classes for over two months before her fiancé moved in so she would know how to take care of his daughter. Her fiancé’s ex is totally out of the picture so mom decided she would need to step up completely, which I get.
I have been back twice since mom’s fiancé moved in with his kids. The first time was at Christmas and I stayed with my grandparents because my old room went to the 4 year old and there was no spare room for me. My mom was disappointed but I pointed out it would stop me getting in the way of their routine too.
The second time was late June/early July I was home for a few weeks and again stayed with my grandparents. Mom offered to buy a pull out bed for me but I said I was good with my grandparents. When I was home and whenever I went to mom’s I was asked if I had looked into taking the same classes mom had or if I’d like them to set me up with them. I said no and asked why I’d need to take them. Mom said she had hoped I would want to help them. She said it would mean I could step in if an emergency came up and I told mom she’d be better to find someone professional for that because I was not taking on that responsibility. Her fiancé asked if I’m just never going to stay at the house and I said yes. I told them I would have zero privacy if I slept there and it wouldn’t benefit any of us. I pointed out how they’d be so busy anyway that I wouldn’t have time with mom that much and I’d get just as much staying somewhere else and planning ahead of time to visit when she’s not super busy.
Her fiancé then said it sounded like I didn’t want to learn how to care for his daughter and planned to be limitedly involved with him and his kids. I said I’ll see them when I see mom but I won’t be signing up for babysitting or future caregiver responsibilities. Mom and I went for a walk together after I said that and she told me she got it but that she hoped I’d be willing. She said it’s a lot to ask and I don’t even live that close anymore so it would never be all the time but she asked me if I was really that unwilling to even give them a few hours off when I would visit. She said it would be so helpful. I told her I would visit and want to spend time with her but babysitting her future stepkids was not in my plans. And especially not one so medically complex and in need of specific care. She was upset but let it go.
Her fiancé is holding a grudge about it. He brought it up to my grandparents when Christmas was brought up. They said they got the feeling he was also annoyed they gave me a place to stay during my visits because it gives me an excuse not to get closer to his kids and therefore be more willing to learn how to take care of his daughter.
AITA?
Comments
NTA serms like the fiance was looking for a crew of caregivers instead of a partner. Or at least its higher in the priorities
This is a heavy ask for anyone, let alone someone who doesn’t live there and didn’t sign up for it. If they need real respite care, that’s what professionals are for, not the college-aged son of the fiancée.
It’s good you were clear now instead of half-committing and then resenting it later.
YTA for the made up story.
Too many detached weirdos on this app thinking this is a real scenario. Ppl don’t go to Reddit to reveal this stuff man it’s such convoluted trolling.
NTA.
The thing about being an adult is that you get to make choices: your mum has made hers, and you have made yours.
The new boyfriend can get all bent out of shape about it, but that’s not your problem.
Something tells me that your grandparents aren’t massive fans of this new situation/shit show either, but again, adults, choices….
Nta…your mother signed up for this, you didn’t. It’s unfortunate that his child is disabled but it’s his responsibility not yours. Expecting a future stepchild you had no relationship with and didn’t raise to suddenly sacrifice for his child is rather entitled. Never stay with them but also remind your mother that she chose them, you didn’t and so you have no obligations to them
It sounds like you quite resent that your mother has allowed her fiancé to move in with his kids and that she repurposed your old bedroom for his 4yo daughter. Where else would you have the child stay?
You don’t need to babysit your step-siblings if you don’t want to. That doesn’t make you an AH.
Since you will be around your stepsister in the future, it may be worthwhile to take those classes anyway. You never know if you may need to use that knowledge to save her life. The child is innocent and you may have the ability to help her (not your mom/stepdad).
NTA – you aren’t responsible for your mums fiancé kids. She willingly took on that responsibility but that doesn’t mean you have to
You set your boundaries. She’s not your responsibility. Mom got into this with wide eyes and it’s on her. Step dad wants caregivers. It’s hard very hard with a disabled child but ultimately it’s not your responsibility.
Updateme
Sounds like they are not only wanting a baby sitter for a few hours off but someone who is going to take care of those children indefinitely if anything happens to either of them
NTA, I’m also looking at this from a slightly different perspective. Your mother has the right to step in since she wishes to do so, however this has an impact on what she can do with you.
What about your time together when you visit? What about her visiting you when you have a home and maybe children of your own? Is there any room for meaningful time together just the two of you?
NTA fiancé wanted caregivers for his children. Mom is maincaregiver and when you are home you were suppose to take over or when they get to old.
Honestly, it’s wild to me that your mum would give up seeing you for a couple of hours when you’re able to visit to have you babysit her stepkids, especially as you don’t/can’t visit often.
She decided she would take on the role and responsibility of being their mum AND what looking after a medically complex child entails. You didn’t and don’t have to.
In case of an emergency, it would make much more sense to have someone who is local to them and knows the kids to step in, like a member of her/fiancé’s family or a close friend of theirs.
N
Nta. Not your kid. Not your responsibility. They are looking for you to help because they want more breaks. Not because they actually need the help. You are not a scapegoat
Nta. You are not the scapegoat for child care for them. Not your responsibility. Let him hold a grudge.
NTA The fiance wants help with his kids and he doesn’t care who helps. Does he even love your mom or is it that she was willing to take care of the complex disabled child and he gets a break?
Make sure your grandparents know you are not willing to take classes or whatever, talk to them how you won’t be spending the night at your mom’s house because of this. Ask them to not let him try to force anything on you.
NTA and good for you in clearly laying out your boundaries. In what world would an adult male that has moved away from home take specialist classes on how to take care of a non-biologically related child’s health needs? And why on Earth would you be the one to step in during an emergency?! Why would you have any child-rearing roles at all anyway for these children? You have a separate life elsewhere now. Your grandparents can give a room to whoever they please, particularly their biological grandson. Your mother’s fiancé can go sit in a corner. He’s pretty entitled to think he can swoop in and commandeer an entire unrelated family to suit his needs.
NTA. When he married he got a wife, not a nurse. And definitely not an additional free nurse-babysitter. He is lucky your mom is willing to step up. But you have your own life to figure out.
Bro, this is in NO WAY your responsibility. Even if you were blood relations, it is not your responsibility to care for someone else’s child. It sounds like this guy is more “my mom’s husband” than “my stepdad”, it doesn’t sound like he or his kids are family to you, which is fine. NTA
NTA. Their assumptions don’t constitute an obligation for you.
NTA – Frankly, your mom’s boyfriend has some REALLY unreasonable expectations. He sounds super entitled, I just can’t figure out why your mom is tolerating this guy moving up into her house and making all these demands. It’s not even reasonable of them to ask you to take on his responsibilities, he already suckered your mom into it, and now he wants you to do it as well? It sounds like he’s mad that you’re not going to be his daughter’s caregiver, and that’s not at all your responsibility. You have your own life to live, and this kid is basically a stranger to you. I’m sure they’ll try to pull some con job on you by saying she’s your step-sister now, but seriously, she’s a stranger. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll get some good responses from these comments.
Your mother’s boyfriend thought he found a free babysitter….. Stand your ground and if your mother asks you these questions again, block her for a while.
NTA. In fact, I’m super impressed with your awareness and self-advocacy. Many people twice your age couldn’t do this. Speaking of which, I’d love to know how long mum and this dude have been together. Seems like fast tracking a relationship, which is always a red flag. Does he want a partner or someone to take care of his kids?!
NTA, you mother signed up for this and you not even live at home. They want you to stay over in the house so you can look after his children.
Happy for you that your able to stay at your grandparents house.
Ask fiancee of mum when he is gonna send you money for uni (or similar) since you are such family. Wtf. You are 20 you dont know this kid.
He is looking for extra caregivers.
He has your mom and thought he’d be able to rope you in too.
Sadly care like this often falls to siblings.
Depending on his family situation: He may even think that if something happens to him and your mom, that they can make you the guardian for his children.
Unless he is a widow or has no family support, it’s unreasonable to think that you as a young adult would feel responsible for his 2 young kids.
The fiancé is the AH here – he just wants a load of free care givers for his kid. All I can say is your mom must really love them all to do this. And that’s very commendable, but it doesn’t mean you have to get involved. You are an adult now and you are behaving like one. You have your own living arrangements, you gave up your room at your mom’s for her step kids, you sort out your own accommodation when you visit and you are considerate about taking up your mom’s time. Her fiancé however behaving like a child, because you won’t fall into line and offer care to his daughter. Why would you – you have your own life to life and your future ahead. NTAH here.
Block Him
Although these kids and you are NOT to blame
You need to totally permanently LEAVE
Your mom is being a bit unfair illogical disloyal
You need to LEAVE
Blood doesn’t make the family Love does
NTA
Find the honorable compassionate helpful hard-working open-minded future-focused useful respectful harmless healthy happy respectful trustworthy loyal fun interesting intelligent secular pragmatic humanists and be THEIR friend through which YOU will get the EXCELLENT friends FAMILY reality LIFE
NTA. It doesn’t sound like your Mom is aware that she’s being used. Well done for making it clear that you see through the fiance’s plans and want no parts of it. His audacity is breathtaking!
If they want you to take care of his daughter when you visit your mother, you probably won’t be spending time with your mother because they will use it as a break for themselves.
NTA I find it wild they somehow thought you’d just come back and do the same thing your mom does in caring for the kid.
NTA. You are already an adult who lives out of state. Your mom signed up for this not you. He’s not your father and his kids are not your siblings. I understand that they asked but to hold a grudge when the answer is not what they wanted to hear is bad. They got rid of your room and now expect you to sleep on couch and be babysitting his kids instead of spending quality time with your mom instead? Also giving crap to your grandparents for housing you? He’s entitled and he’s looking for caregivers for his daughter. Set your boundaries early & hold your ground.
NTA. And perhaps they should look into respite care so that your mom can get a break. Maybe a week or so
NTAH at all. It looks like your mom’s fiancé was looking for a caregiver for his kids first and a wife second. I hope your mother is aware of this and is going into this marriage with her eyes wide open. Of course, it shouldn’t be asked or expected of you to care for a near stranger’s sick child. Continue to visit mom when you can, but there’s no need for you to stay with them or take the classes they’re suggesting.
I find him being resentful of your grandparents for giving you an out so he can’t force you into playing nurse to his kids absolutely hilarious.
The children are not your responsibility. And it’s the way that your mom is that she’s doing so because she loved that man. You barely know him.
And when you come home from school, it’s not so that you can provide them with the respite care. That’s what you hire people for.
NTA
NTA And I’m sorry the fiancé moving in prevents you from staying with your mum in your childhood home. Have a talk with your mum hiw you can spend more time together. Invite her to stay with you for a weekende instead.
Be thankful they gave your room to the 4yr old. Much harder to go back when you have no space.
And dont ever do any form of training for the medical side otherwise it will become impossible for you to visit your mum.