For context, I (21F) and my fiancée (22M) are planning to get married in the next two years! I’m super excited, but have not told anyone at all about our engagement, since we have pictures planned. Sorry, this post will be long, trying to get all details.
For my whole life, my sister (25F) and I have not had a good relationship. She has constantly belittled me in every way she can, and my extended family has seen it and commented that she is “jealous” of me. I have grown up surrounding sports and academics, and she is more of an introvert. That’s totally fine, and I have nothing against it whatsoever, nor have I ever rubbed it in her face that “I have done more than you” type of thing.
A year ago, she has blocked me on every social media, and even text for about 8 months. I have texted her repeatedly with no response seeing if it goes through, and one day it did, so I tried inviting her out to do something. No response, and I kept trying, because my mom wants me to do the “mature thing.” Okay, cool, and I don’t get anything in return, except pure silence. The only time she has reached out to me was when my mom was having chest pains and wanted me to get home to check on her (she’s fine btw).
I reached out to her because our father’s birthday was coming up, two weeks ago. I wanted to surprise my dad with dinner, and she ended up telling my parents that I wanted to surprise him, and take them to dinner since i live couple hours away now. She sent me a message saying “Dad said no. We’re too broke. Mainly you but still.” I just read this as backhanded and blatantly rude and uncalled for… I shrugged it off because I don’t seem to understand her and her feelings. She also has mental health issues that she ignores and won’t get help, after my parents repeatedly bring it up to her to go for help, offering to pay,
I, also have mental health issues, and I have put myself first now with my family. My concern is, my parents will either guilt trip me into inviting her, or not go to my wedding whatsoever. I’m terrified this will break my family apart, but this is my special day, and I want it to be about my relationship with my future husband. I do not want my sister, who has always talked down on me, to ruin it, but I’m just worried my parents will not respect my choice.
AITA for not inviting my sister?
Comments
^^^^AUTOMOD Thanks for posting! READ THIS COMMENT – DO NOT SKIM. This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything.
For context, I (21F) and my fiancée (22M) are planning to get married in the next two years! I’m super excited, but have not told anyone at all about our engagement, since we have pictures planned. Sorry, this post will be long, trying to get all details.
For my whole life, my sister (25F) and I have not had a good relationship. She has constantly belittled me in every way she can, and my extended family has seen it and commented that she is “jealous” of me. I have grown up surrounding sports and academics, and she is more of an introvert. That’s totally fine, and I have nothing against it whatsoever, nor have I ever rubbed it in her face that “I have done more than you” type of thing.
A year ago, she has blocked me on every social media, and even text for about 8 months. I have texted her repeatedly with no response seeing if it goes through, and one day it did, so I tried inviting her out to do something. No response, and I kept trying, because my mom wants me to do the “mature thing.” Okay, cool, and I don’t get anything in return, except pure silence. The only time she has reached out to me was when my mom was having chest pains and wanted me to get home to check on her (she’s fine btw).
I reached out to her because our father’s birthday was coming up, two weeks ago. I wanted to surprise my dad with dinner, and she ended up telling my parents that I wanted to surprise him, and take them to dinner since i live couple hours away now. She sent me a message saying “Dad said no. We’re too broke. Mainly you but still.” I just read this as backhanded and blatantly rude and uncalled for… I shrugged it off because I don’t seem to understand her and her feelings. She also has mental health issues that she ignores and won’t get help, after my parents repeatedly bring it up to her to go for help, offering to pay,
I, also have mental health issues, and I have put myself first now with my family. My concern is, my parents will either guilt trip me into inviting her, or not go to my wedding whatsoever. I’m terrified this will break my family apart, but this is my special day, and I want it to be about my relationship with my future husband. I do not want my sister, who has always talked down on me, to ruin it, but I’m just worried my parents will not respect my choice.
AITA for not inviting my sister?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our voting guide here, and remember to use only one judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I am deciding to not invite my sister to my wedding.
Help keep the sub engaging!
Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
Click Here For Our Rules and Click Here For Our FAQ
Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, but consider this: would it impact your day more to have her there, or to not have here there and have other families keep asking and making a big deal out of it? how likely is it that your sister will make a scene at the wedding? is she likely to not even want to attend?
You’re not wrong for wanting your wedding to be about joy, not stress. if your sister has repeatedly belittled and ignored you, it makes sense you don’t want that energy there. It’s your day, not your parents’ or your sister’s, and protecting your peace matters more than keeping up appearances. Your parents may pressure you, but setting this boundary now is better than letting resentment build on such an important milestone. If they do guilt-trip you, remind them you’ve tried to reach out in the past and your sister made her choice by shutting you out.
NTA. Your wedding should be shared with those who you want. Those who celebrate you. The fact that your parents produced this nasty human does not obligate you to invite her. Your parents can decide to come or not. Move past the family drama and make a new joyful family with your husband. Learn from this how not to grow a child. Leave them behind.
NTA
NTA. Your wedding is about you and you don’t need any additional stress. Your sister seems to have a lot of issues and clearly doesn’t like you, why would she ruin a surprise for your dad?
Distance is your friend. You need time and distance from her. I’ve had the same “be the better person” talk from my mom, sometimes you got to ignore your mom and stop trying to be the better person. Sometimes you have to choose yourself.
There’s a chance your parents will say if she doesn’t come, we won’t. You may have to be prepared to go ahead without them. Sucks but will be worth it.
You’re NTA, but you’ve correctly identified the likely problem:
> but I’m just worried my parents will not respect my choice
If you’re actually going to do this you need to find a way to be ok with that. Either be ready to stand up to them, or don’t ask them either, or don’t ask anybody and just go away and get married quietly and tell them (or don’t!) when it’s done. Or just invite friends. Or just get on with your life with your partner without ever actually having a wedding.
And as for your other concern:
> I’m terrified this will break my family apart
It’s already broken – your sister hates you and your parents don’t respect you. Your parents care about keeping up false appearances, but they should have cared about fixing the reality.
But they didn’t, so now you’re all just dealing with that reality. But you’re not creating it, that’s already done.
NTA. It’s your wedding day and you have every right to want to surround yourself with people who are excited for you, who will celebrate you, and who just plain like you. Your sister does not appear to be that person. She treats you with disdain and disrespect. You have every right to not invite her.
>I’m terrified this will break my family apart
I know your parents act like everything is your responsibility but the person who blocks her sister for over half a year for no reason is the one who breaks the family apart. It’s no contest. Your parents are assholes too, even if it’s not as much as your sister.
Do not invite your sister and if your parents decide not to come, then accept that unfortunately not every battle in life can be won and it’s not because you didn’t try hard enough. You have to draw a line
NTA
NTA. She will absolutely do or say something on your special day to make you feel awful. That isn’t something you should have to even worry or wonder when it’s gonna happen on your wedding day. Your parents should have stopped her petty, bullshit behavior years ago when y’all were kids. Now it’s too late. She’s not a nice person to you. If they choose not to attend because the daughter they let torment their other child well that is their choice and loss, not on you at all. Don’t be a pushover and cave to pressure either. Don’t let her attend and hold that boundary. You deserve a wedding free of stress, frustration and anger so that means not letting your sister come. Make your parents aware that this is a firm not up for debate and not up for discussion decision and you won’t be bullied into changing your mind. And let them know their lack of parenting her all those years is what’s led to the outcome and situation that exists now. Edit to add and stop telling her shit and stop texting her. I know first hand how painful that rejection by a sibling is. Been there myself. But for your own sanity and mental health you’ve got to let her go. At least until she gets herself help and proves she can be a sister not your tormenter and bully.
NTA.
If your parents won’t attend your own wedding because of their other disrespectful daughter, they need to look back on what she has done to YOU. The constant bashing would not make me want to invite someone like that, nor would I want the additional two sympathizing with her and making it a big thing during the ceremony and reception. If they want to be there, they will be there. Looking back at your wedding, you want happy memories, not bad ones because your sister made sure of it. I understand how this can be a complicated thing, but make sure you are laying out all of the facts and the reasons, along with how would they feel being in your shoes. I give a lot of respect if you go forth on leaving her out (more so because she deserves it.) If someone, especially a sibling, didn’t give 2 sh*ts about me, and I TRIED to fix it multiple times with no change from the culprit, no invite necessary.
why would you invite her or ever speak to her again?
Nta but did you confirm with your dad thats what he said? Not the passive aggressive bs but that he didnt want to go out to dinner? From what youve said I wouldnt trust any message passed along from her.
Also no need to tell her 2 years out she isn’t welcome at the wedding, wait until you are sending out invites. Relationships can change a lot at your age, not saying that she will get better but dont close the door earlier than you have to.
I’m 90% certain I’ve seen this exact same song and dance before.
If true and/or not a repost, YTA for being a dense as a brick. Your sister made it clear she wanted nothing to do with you, and you’re response was to constantly text her until it went through.
Why would you even think she’d want to go to your wedding in the first place?
NTA but if I may, I’d like to give you maybe another opinion (you’re still NTA though)
I was like your sister when I was younger. Very insecure and jealous so I came out as harsh and toxic, which I obviously was.
I had the chance to “find god” and ended up getting therapy and smoothing my relationships with my family, and now I’m in a happy place but there was a time where I wasn’t capable of that to be honest.
At your sister place, this would have broken me. I’m sure she’s jealous and jailed into her own ugly reality. But I’m also sure she loves and needs you.
Could you maybe at least try to have a conversation with her face to face and explain how you feel ? Like “I offer you a chance to be in my marriage but I need you to want it too, I want our relationship to get better, I understand how you feel” type of way. Obviously you don’t need to do that but that could be the wagon that rallies you together, where excluding her could be the last straw that break your relationship forever… And break her, even if what she shows is indifference.