For some context, my mom (57f) and my stepdad (59m) have known each other for three years, and married for two of those years. My mom and my real dad got divorced when I was 16, but my dad was still a very supportive and prominent role in my life and still is.
I (25f) and my fiancé (27m) are really excited to be getting married in a few months. We have everything planned out, and it’ll be perfect. One evening, me and my fiancé decided to throw a small little house party with our friends and family who would be in the wedding party.
That night, I ask my dad (59m) if he would walk me down the aisle, to which he obviously says yes to. My mom hearing this, gets mad for some reason, but I think it’s because of her resentment towards my dad. They had a very rocky divorce.
After I ask my dad, my mom comes up to me with my stepdad right next to her. She confronts me in front of everyone and asks why I chose my dad over my stepdad, though the answer is obvious. I tell her that despite them being divorced, I still have a great relationship with my dad and I’ve hardly known my stepdad.
She’s furious at this and starts saying that her husband doesn’t deserve this and that I’m a horrible person for not choosing him. I tell her again that I hardly know my stepdad, and he’s not really a dad to me.
At this point, all my friends and my fiancé’s friends leave, not wanting to be caught up in this drama. My fiancé steps in and starts defending me, which doesn’t really do much and my mom continues going on her little rant. Eventually I have it and tell her and my stepdad to leave. In response, she tells me that if her husband can’t walk me down the aisle, they won’t come at all.
But I don’t budge. Eventually my dad also leaves, seemingly really hurt after what my mom said. This makes me even more mad and hurt as well. I’m still going with my original plan of wanting my real dad walking me down the aisle, and my mom hasn’t talked to me except for yesterday, when she tried to get me to change my mind. When I didn’t, she called me an asshole.
My fiancé says to just not have my mom go, and I really want my mom to come to my wedding since this is such a big day for me, but I also want my dad to be the one to walk me down the aisle. I’m really conflicted. What do I do, and AITA?
Comments
NTA. Your wedding, your choice. Walking down the aisle is a personal moment, of course you want your dad, not someone you barely know. Your mom can be there without turning it into a guilt trip.
Don’t negotiate with people taking hostages. Stick with your original plan.
NTA. And your mom sounds really immature.
I can see why she is divorced.
Your mother is absolutely being abusive and unreasonable.
You are starting a new life. She has to decide whether she wants to be a part of it or not.
Take control. Uninvite her until she behaves like a mom.
Causing chaos in your wedding is evil.
What TF did I just read? So your mother thinks that some dude she been married to for two years and only dating for there, who you met as an adult should walk you down the aisle instead of your own father, who is still very much a part of your life?
Has your mother always been this selfish, self-centered and dramatic?
Do not even entertain her drama. Call her bluff. Tell her if she feels so strongly about her husband’s role in your wedding, then her and her husband are not longer invited to the wedding. If she is willing to cause a scene in your home like this can you imagine how she would show her ass at your wedding?
Not inviting my toxic mother and sister to my wedding was the best decision that I even made and I have no regrets.
NTA – you are the only person who gets to decide who walks you down the aisle regardless of whose feelings it might hurt. Your mom is being unreasonable, please don’t let her behavior ruin your big day!!
NTA, why does she think you’d pick her husband over your actual father? Uninvite her. She’ll cause too much problems. You don’t need to spend your wedding day worrying about her doing more stupid shit day of.
You made the right and obvious choice. Your step-dad is not your father and your mother is wrong to give you such an extreme and cruel ultimatum. If she doesn’t want to go so be it. NTA.
It’s YOUR wedding. Where was your stepdad the first majority of your life? Sounds like a deadbeat compared to your real dad
If your mom doesn’t like it, she can not come to the wedding 🤷 it will teach her a serious lesson in holding her tongue. And tell your step dad to either stand up for himself and stop being a spineless fool controlled by your mom, or to back off and realize he’s not your read dad. Whichever category he fits in
NTA
Your mom chose to be an AH. She created this problem for herself. Forget her choosing not to come. Make it clear she is no longer invited for her ridiculous behavior.
The only way you would be ta is if you don’t let your dad walk you down the aisle.
Never let the bullies win. If the price your mom is willing to pay to keep this insane stance is to miss her daughter’s wedding, there’s a lot more wrong with that relationship than you realize.
Your mom is so horrible and selfish in this instance that I can’t imagine she’s been a loving and generous mother throughout your life.
Don’t change your mind. Reassure your dad that it’s what you truly want. It’s neither his fault or yours that your mother is horrible
NTA If she chooses not to go to your wedding because of this then she doesn’t deserve to be there anyway.
Updateme!
NTA. I would tell your mother that if she doesn’t love you more than she hates your dad, she doesn’t deserve to attend your wedding.
I really want my mom to come to my wedding since this is such a big day for me
You’ll probably be able to smell the burning fumes of resentment and toxicity all the way to the altar. I can only imagine what kind of Igor face she’ll present in pictures.
NTA.
Whatever happened between your parents stays between your parents. If she can’t manage that, then you know what kind of real feelings she has for you. You can be sure it’s not love.
Hire security. Your mother loves drama, the more irrational the better, and is likely to come and cause problems even without an invitation. Your father was well rid of her.
NTA
Ai post
Seriously?! Does your Mom have a history of delusional unhinged thinking and mental health issues?! I can’t even fathom how she suggested this as reasonable, much less got upset. Sorry your Mom sucks, at the least on this situation.
NTA. At this point I would have uninvited your mother and be done with it.
NTA, but you will be if you allow your mother to emotionally manipulate you. If she chooses to stay home, that’s on her.
You really want her there starting shit? Fuck. That.
NTA. Your mom is quite the drama queen
What to do? You have your Dad walk you down the aisle. Where is the confusion? You hardly know your mom’s husband. This is about her hate for her former husband. Would she want you to replace her in your life? Why would you ever consider replacing your Dad?
Tell your mom that since she’s incapable of putting your happiness above her pettiness with your dad, she doesn’t need to attend. Your dad can make up for your mom’s absence.
NTA
OMG. Your mom is such an asshole. NTA. If your mom does not change her tune, you need to un-invite her. She’s clearly deciding that your wedding is all about her.
He is not your stepdad, he is your Mom’s new husband or a guy you know a little.
I’d not uinvite Mom based on her behavior. You know if she shows up, she will create a seen and ruin your day.
NTA and you need to play this cool. You cannot let you mother know that that her threats not to attend hurt you deeply. Simply say, “I’m sorry you feel this way but I stand by my decision. If you choose not to attend, we will miss you but this is my wedding and nothing you say or do will spoil it for me.” You could add that “when all of our friends and family look back on this day they will view your absence as immature, selfish and shameful and I will agree with them. I hope you are prepared for the consequences”.
NTA, but WTF is my main reaction.
Not only have you only known your step-father for 3 years (or maybe less) compared to literally your entire life in the case of your father, you were a full blown adult when you first met.
Look, it’s understandable that your father is not your mother’s favorite person. But ultimately she needs to decide if she loves you more than she hates your father.
I can also understand if your mother’s concern was wanting there to be some equivalent role for herself, give that since they are no longer together, your father walking you down the aisle isn’t some sort of representation of the two of them. But her husband displacing your father isn’t that.
Just to share an alternative, my parents were certainly not each other’s favorite person when I got married. I don’t think they had even spoken to each other for about a decade prior. But they had no problem with my choice to have them both escort me.
They way your mom acted makes a strong case for why dad would want out of that marriage
OP, you deserve to be called out for asking your dad to walk down the aisle the way you did, in the setting you used. Let me be clear: You did nothing wrong in asking your dad, just that doing it in front of your mom & her hubby was the issue.
Take the power back from your mother, by showing her that she has none. Call your mom’s bluff: “Mom, your hubby is not going to walk me down the aisle, or have any other function at my wedding. If you choose not to attend because of this, we will miss you.” The end the conversation. Let your mom make the decision to attend or not.
NTA
NTA. Your mom is ridiculous. UPDATE us when you get married.
No
Just that first paragraph alone makes me know you are definitely NTA! What is your mom thinking!? She is actually TA!!! How could she think you’d choose you step father over your own father!? I’m baffled!
Maybe offer a special dance with your stepdad if you want them there. But if that’s not the case, I wouldn’t invite her personally.
That’s disgusting. He has been in your life three years?? My mom was a little like that with her husband and he came into her life when I was 21.
No. Not the asshole in any way shape or form.
Nta, your mom is wackadoo for even kind of thinking you wouldn’t choose your father over HER husband
Tell mom it’s her choice, and she’ll be missed if she can’t support you on YOUR special day. Remind her that choices come with consequences. NTA.
What in the name of Helheim or Niflheim is your mom thinking?!? You made the choice to have your dad walk you down the aisle at your wedding, and your mom decided to have a hissy fit because you didn’t choose her new man. With all due respect, your mom needs to get over herself. It’s not her wedding, so she should stay in her lane.
Karma farming
I believe you revealed your mom’s problem. The rocky divorce. It’s not really important your step dad walk you down the aisle, she just doesn’t want to see your dad do so. She’s only thinking of herself and her resentment. Make your day the way you want. If your mom decides not to attend, she’s made her anger and resentment more important.
NTA — Sorry to say it, but your mom showed total lack of class in confronting you at the party (with your stepdad in tow, no less) about anything so obvious. Why would you want want your mom’s husband and two years horning in on a role suitable for your father with whom you have a good relationship? No wonder party guests left in a hurry. Nobody wants to witness your mom’s stupidity and your embarrassment over the stunt she pulled. Tell her to straighten up her act or she won’t be invited to your wedding,
NTA! Echoing everyone else. Stepdad came into your Adult Life. No reason to have him do anything.
Updateme!
Okay, this fight is resolved but you need to look at your future. Where will you spend holiday’s as a married couple? What about when kids come? Will the step be called grandpa?
This, and so many other questions and concerns are on the horizon since your mom seems to be stuck on stupid. You should sit with your fiance and come to a tentative agreement on some of these things, and then let your mom know what is being decided.
No, don’t wait. She thinks she has power and she will continue to try and use said power. You need to set her straight now.
Your mom is a selfish woman and I’m so sorry for you Op🙏🏻🫶
NTA stand your ground.
Walking your daughter down the aisle is an honour reserved for the father figure that raised/supported the bride throughout her upbringing. Being a stepdad of 2 years hardly qualifies. If you back down it will be hurtful to your dad even if he tries to go along with it to keep the peace. You should choose your dad period and if your mother doesn’t understand that maybe she shouldn’t be at your wedding. This is honestly one of the more ridiculous wedding demands someone can make.
Tell your stepdad that you mean no disrespect but your dad has been in your life for your WHOLE life and you have a great relationship so that honour is reserved for him. This is one of those times you have to set your boundaries. Once someone knows they can manipulate you into abandoning your boundaries, they will forever disrespect and emotionally manipulate you like this. If you let your mom taint what you want for your wedding, it will forever be tainted. Sure she may come if you cave but you’ll always feel like she only bothered to show because she bullied you. What kind of mother tries to force a this on their daughter and make it into an issue/ show of conditional love. Just no.
NTA wow, Your Mom really thinks highly of herself doesn’t she? Talk about main character syndrome.
NTA. Your dad is your dad and will be until the day he dies. Your stepfather is the man your mother chose to switch to after she and your dad divorced. He might be a nice person, even a great stepdad, but he can never replace your actual father. You didn’t divorce your dad, your mother did.
If you had asked the stepdad and snubbed your father then you would be the asshole. Your mother is off her head.
This can’t be real. If it is, you’re NTAH but your mom needs to be committed to a psych ward because she’s off her flippin rocker!
Updateme!!!
Nta. Your mom is psychotic and her current husband (not your stepfather, you were an adult when they got together) is creepy as hell for expecting you to consider him above your actual father. They ruined your party with their drama and made your guests so uncomfortable that they left.
I would take a proactive approach to this and just not invite them. I know that sounds harsh and hard to do, but this woman will ruin your day if you allow her to be there. I wouldn’t want to be around him ever again to be honest. They’re both out of their minds.
Tell your mom, “I didn’t choose my dad. YOU DID. I didn’t divorce my dad, you did. My father is walking me down the aisle. Not some man I’ve known for less than three years. I respect him as your husband, and he is very welcome to the wedding, but the honored place of walking me down the aisle belongs to my father. How do you not get that?”
I would also tell her “I hope that your friends talk you out of your ridiculous ultimatum. Because I want you at my wedding, but you don’t get to coerce me to get what you want. I hope you show up. And I’m sorry you hate my father, but that’s your choice not mine.”
NTA
Your mom is/was the biggest asshole in the room. She can fuck off, seriously. This is horrible. It’s your wedding. She made it about her ego.
I hope you understand that your father has quietly taken a lifetime of abuse from this woman because he would rather see you be happy than to cause you even an ounce of discomfort.
NTA
Your mom is being a jerk. You were correct when you said that the divorce between your mom and dad, it didn’t include you.
Tell your mom that she chose your dad and you love him and he is your one and only dad. You hope she goes to the wedding but if she chooses to stay home you will be fine. You won’t be manipulated.
If you allow her to manipulate you about this she will constantly manipulate you about other things. She will try to shove your dad out of your life.
Updateme and holy smokes mom is crazy! NTA.
Is he paying for the wedding as many fathers do for their daughters? Just wondering.
NTA.
She is not acting a 57-year-old. She is acting like a 5-year-old and throwing a tantrum because she is not getting her way.
“Mom, I love you. But dad is walking me down the aisle, and if he can put his anger aside for one day, so can you. If you can’t, we will miss you, and you can see the pictures and video, if you want.”
And then stop talking about it with her. Go radio silent until she (hopefully) sees the light.
But you may have a wedding without her and possibly not see her for years.
As an adult, you make choices and you must live with the results of those decisions, good or bad.
You made a choice to have your dad walk you. And it seems like a good choice, since you have a great relationship with him.
She has also made a choice and it is a bad one.
But she has until a night or two before the wedding to change her mind and reverse her decision and attend.
She does not have to interact with your dad, and can avoid looking at him for like 97% of the time.
UpdateMe
I wish people would stop posting fake bullshit. I’ve read this same story 30 times. This user has 0 days on this account. This would never happen.
your wedding, your decision. you do not need to explain or defend it. It does not matter if you want your dad to walk you down the isle or you want to ride a Harley down the isle. Your wedding, Your decision. Did I say it was your wedd….?
NTA, mom needs attitude adjustment. Anybody with any common sense would not ask a step dad that has been only been around for a couple of years compared to a bio dad that is still in the picture and still close to you. Tell mom she can stay home if she doesn’t like the way you do your wedding. Also, if she attends I would require an apology for dad and if she causes any trouble she should be asked to leave.
WTF is mom even on? The person selected to walk you down the aisle at YOUR wedding is chosen based on their relationship to YOU. Using that filter, what on EARTH would make her think that you would prioritize HER HUSBAND over YOUR FATHER? All she is doing is centering herself in this argument and completely trying to run roughshod over anything having to do with you. She is downright ridiculous. NTA again.
Updateme
Your fiancé is right. (he deserves a reward for sticking up for you this way! ) I’d also do a little research, did HER dad walk her down the aisle? Keep her on an information diet re the wedding. If she keeps showing her rear, uninvite her due to bad behavior.
But post all of the fun stuff all over FB and Insta. The very moment she posts something negative, remove it/block it, or, respond in full FB fashion. “Dear mom, if you weren’t so firm on having your husband of 3 years, who I barely know, walk me down the aisle instead of my FATHER, who I love dearly, you wouldn’t be cut out of all of the fun of your daughter getting married.” Then let the comments fly. But I’m petty like that.
NTA.
Are you asking if you are an asshole for not destroying your father for some random dude?
What did your father do wrong to make you conflicted about this? Normal humans who love their fathers would not be conflicted here at all.