I (19F) was born and raised in NYC, and I’ve always made it clear I didn’t want to leave. Back in 2022, my mom bought a house in New Jersey because one of my older brothers didn’t want to live in the Bronx anymore (mind you, he’s almost in his 30s). At the time, I was a junior in high school and told them I didn’t agree with the move I liked the city, and my whole life was here. But no one listened to me, and I got outvoted.
They agreed to delay the move until I started college, but even then I still said I wanted to stay in NYC and just live in our apartment. I wasn’t allowed. My mom said it wouldn’t be right for a girl to live alone and implied I’d start hanging out with boys, drinking, smoking and believed that a daughter is always supposed to be where her mother resides. (My mother is african btw). Meanwhile, my brothers weren’t held to the same standard. They’ve always had more freedom than me. This is off topic but one time when I got a second ear piercing, I was told by my mother that I “betrayed the family.”
Even when I lived in a dorm during college, I wasn’t really free. My family made me come back to the bronx (when i used to stay there) on days I didn’t have class, and if I didn’t, they’d call me nonstop, sometimes every hour to ask what I was doing, who I was with, etc. I never got to truly enjoy the experience of being on my own.
I currently now stay in NJ, moved here in may and legit none of my siblings live there, even the one who wanted to move hardly stays here, only coming here every Monday-Tuesdays then stays in NYC Wednesday-Sunday. The other one stays with his girlfriend who also resides in NYC.
So it’s basically me and my mom. I work in NYC but the commute is eating me alive. I spend $7–8 daily on transit, $16–30 on Ubers just to get to the train station, and if I miss the train, sometimes I’ve had to pay $80–90 just to make it to work on time. I come home around 10 PM most nights. I barely eat. I have no energy. I’m off only one day a week. I’m mentally and physically exhausted.
The only reason my family even asked if I wanted to move back to NYC was because I finally crashed out on one of my siblings from being overwhelmed. When I told them yes, they either said no or tried to “compromise” like telling me I can go to school/work in NYC but still have to come back to Jersey every weekend or go to church to see the family. It’s like they only act like they care when I disrupt their peace never when mine is being destroyed.
And before anyone suggests getting a car we only have one car in the family, and my brother took it. So that’s not even an option for me right now, even if I could afford one. I’m stuck relying on expensive Ubers and long train rides just to get to work.
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I (19F) was born and raised in NYC, and I’ve always made it clear I didn’t want to leave. Back in 2022, my mom bought a house in New Jersey because one of my older brothers didn’t want to live in the Bronx anymore (mind you, he’s almost in his 30s). At the time, I was a junior in high school and told them I didn’t agree with the move I liked the city, and my whole life was here. But no one listened to me, and I got outvoted.
They agreed to delay the move until I started college, but even then I still said I wanted to stay in NYC and just live in our apartment. I wasn’t allowed. My mom said it wouldn’t be right for a girl to live alone and implied I’d start hanging out with boys, drinking, smoking and believed that a daughter is always supposed to be where her mother resides. (My mother is african btw). Meanwhile, my brothers weren’t held to the same standard. They’ve always had more freedom than me. This is off topic but one time when I got a second ear piercing, I was told by my mother that I “betrayed the family.”
Even when I lived in a dorm during college, I wasn’t really free. My family made me come back to the bronx (when i used to stay there) on days I didn’t have class, and if I didn’t, they’d call me nonstop, sometimes every hour to ask what I was doing, who I was with, etc. I never got to truly enjoy the experience of being on my own.
I currently now stay in NJ, moved here in may and legit none of my siblings live there, even the one who wanted to move hardly stays here, only coming here every Monday-Tuesdays then stays in NYC Wednesday-Sunday. The other one stays with his girlfriend who also resides in NYC.
So it’s basically me and my mom. I work in NYC but the commute is eating me alive. I spend $7–8 daily on transit, $16–30 on Ubers just to get to the train station, and if I miss the train, sometimes I’ve had to pay $80–90 just to make it to work on time. I come home around 10 PM most nights. I barely eat. I have no energy. I’m off only one day a week. I’m mentally and physically exhausted.
The only reason my family even asked if I wanted to move back to NYC was because I finally crashed out on one of my siblings from being overwhelmed. When I told them yes, they either said no or tried to “compromise” like telling me I can go to school/work in NYC but still have to come back to Jersey every weekend or go to church to see the family. It’s like they only act like they care when I disrupt their peace never when mine is being destroyed.
And before anyone suggests getting a car we only have one car in the family, and my brother took it. So that’s not even an option for me right now, even if I could afford one. I’m stuck relying on expensive Ubers and long train rides just to get to work.
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> hello, sorry i’m new to posting on reddit, but i think im the asswhole basically because i just don’t want to live with my family in the current state i live in, and it seems like no matter what i do, its somehow an issue towards them, whole time its affecting me
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
Meh. Your workday is no different from everyone else who works in Manhattan. Wah wah wah
The asshole making fun of your struggle who is worthless to this discussion aside, you’re gonna have to get your own place or some roommates, but you can’t keep letting people so wholey unaffected, be the ones to tell you how to live your life. Yeah, they will fight it, they’ll make horrible threats, its not the way things where your mother is from are done…but this isn’t Africa, you have to survive here and they are not helping. You want freedom? Then take it, you’re an adult now, own it.
NTA
Is your old apartment in NYC available still? If yes, move back right away.
Even otherwise, you are an adult now and you are free to work out a living arrangement with others so that you have a reasonable commute to work. Don’t let your mom guilt you anymore. NTA
NAH. It sounds like you’re in the sucky situation everyone else is in: you can’t afford to live where you want, so you have to live somewhere less ideal. And yes, your family isn’t helping, but they did stay long enough for you to graduate. It may not sound like it, but that was a huge compromise on their part.
As an adult, they cannot, reasonably, control where you live or what you do. The only problem is being able to afford it. It sounds like you have a job, and if you’re spending $32/day, 6 days/week, just to get to and from work, that’s about $180-190/week. Over $700/month. A quick google search shows NYC apartments cost between $2000-4000 for a 2-3 bedroom. The cheapest possible apartment and a couple roommates would get you in there. The questions then become, can you do that? And is it worth it?
A LOT of people move away from places they love because they can’t afford to live there anymore, and I don’t know what your salary is, or how much money you can or will put into a place. At the minimum, living at home–with your family’s expectations–is destroying you. Take a week to figure out what you’d have to do to live in NYC and if it would be worth it (no is an okay answer!) and, whether it is or isn’t, what you need to do to have a life that doesn’t destroy you. This could mean you change to a job closer to where you live now, you move somewhere between your current location and NYC where it’s cheaper to live but less exhausting a commute, you start saving for something, changing jobs so you’re not exhausted all the time and going to NYC to spend time with friends/enjoy yourself twice a week, whatever. You need the change.
Seems like your mother is letting her trauma dictate your life. I Don’t know what she went through, but you’re an adult. If you can finically move out on your own, do so. They can’t force you to stay with them.
NTA
Nobody will ever blame you for not wanting to live in New Jersey.
I don’t even need to read. I was born and Raised in New Jersey and I left the first chance I got. No one needs to live there.
NTA. Your life is YOURS to live — not your mom’s, not your siblings’, not your extended family’s. You get to say where you want to live and work, who you want to associate with, even (gasp!!) where you go to church or even if you go to church at all. Your weekends are yours to spend as you wish.
Getting free from these kinds of family ties is never easy. Ties are meant to bind, not stifle and strangle. Take whatever time you need to figure out a practical budget, find a place to live (with roommates YOU choose, not anyone else’s choice), and set a fixed plan to get out.
NOBODY should HAVE to live in New Jersey ;or anywhere, for that matter). You get to choose for you. Good luck!
Your mother remembers the SERIOUS crime in the 80s because of the major drug epidemic and she’s just trying to keep you safe. She loves you. The sad thing is, young women get murdered, kidnapped, trafficked, raped etc and men…….. just do not. I know it sucks, I’m a woman too, with an older brother who also had much more freedom, and I’ve been to NYC on a night out and I felt like I was on top of the WORLD. I had never been so happy then at 3am drunk and high on the subway with my friends, not a care in the world. But if you were alone in the apartment like you wanted I would fear for you, as a 19 year old girl. Back when I used to have my own apartment at 21 I had a VERY persistent creepy old neighbor who tried to come into my apartment to visit every day, he knew I lived alone. Your mama is just trying to keep you safe. Its all love.
NTA the working/commuting situation sounds horrible. But sadly until you can afford to rent your own place in NYC you’re stuck
NTA. You’re an adult and you can decide where you want to live. If you were underage they could get the cops to bring you back but at your age they cannot anymore. Look at your budget because this could be workable with roommates. Your family will just have to deal with it. I know your mom is scared to have you on your own but she has to have faith in the way she raised you.
Btw if I could afford NYC I’d never want to move away either.
honey if you are in college and can afford to move into a freaking dorm and out of your parents house