I (23M) have two close friends, Kayla (23F) and Rebecca (25F). Kayla and I have been best friends for about three years, and I’ve known Rebecca for about a year and a half. The three of us used to work at the same job, but Rebecca eventually left and just recently came back.
A while back, Kayla and I talked about moving in together. At the time Rebecca mentioned she might want to join us. It wasn’t set in stone, but we didn’t mind the idea.
Since then, I’ve started having second thoughts. Rebecca has had a lot of breakdowns in the last year from several things like her grandpas passing etc. along with other things and she always comes to me for comfort.
Back in July, Rebecca texted me saying she was having really bad thoughts and was in a really bad headspace. I tried to comfort her and ask questions, but she would just respond with straight-faced emojis. It felt like she wanted my attention but wouldn’t let me actually help, and honestly it left me frustrated and drained. I felt like she wanted my attention but not my help…
When she came back to our job in early September, within three days she was already saying she hated it, felt sick thinking about coming in, and that she wanted to do something else. Again, I tried to support her, but it was a lot.
There are also little things that add up. In June we went on a trip to Chicago. Rebecca didn’t pay her full share of the Airbnb, she moved Kayla’s stuff even though Kayla didn’t want her to, and she sometimes pulled away from the group because she “wasn’t in the right headspace.” Not dealbreakers by themselves, but they stuck with me.
Then her dog passed away. For timeline: she started back at work in September on a Monday, her dog passed Tuesday, and by Thursday she called off work saying the dog had died “that night.” Kayla casually mentioned to our boss that it happened on Tuesday (which is true), and Rebecca has been mad at Kayla ever since, saying she should’ve never told the boss. But Rebecca had already posted about it online and even told me I could mention it to another coworker, so it felt weird that she’s holding a grudge.
The bigger issue is the emotional weight. Rebecca texted in our group chat recently saying she was in a bad place, and Kayla just sent funny pics (because that’s how she copes) and then privately called me asking me to handle it. That’s the dynamic: Kayla can’t handle it, and I end up being the one carrying everything. If we live together, I know all of that would fall on me. And if Rebecca spirals or quits her job, it could become a huge burden.
I want to add that she also needs a lot of reassuring and has trauma that is a burden on her also.
Anyways… All of this has me feeling like I don’t want to live with her anymore, even though the idea was thrown around before.
So… AITA for not wanting Rebecca to move in with us?
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I (23M) have two close friends, Kayla (23F) and Rebecca (25F). Kayla and I have been best friends for about three years, and I’ve known Rebecca for about a year and a half. The three of us used to work at the same job, but Rebecca eventually left and just recently came back.
A while back, Kayla and I talked about moving in together. At the time Rebecca mentioned she might want to join us. It wasn’t set in stone, but we didn’t mind the idea.
Since then, I’ve started having second thoughts. Rebecca has had a lot of breakdowns in the last year from several things like her grandpas passing etc. along with other things and she always comes to me for comfort.
Back in July, Rebecca texted me saying she was having really bad thoughts and was in a really bad headspace. I tried to comfort her and ask questions, but she would just respond with straight-faced emojis. It felt like she wanted my attention but wouldn’t let me actually help, and honestly it left me frustrated and drained. I felt like she wanted my attention but not my help…
When she came back to our job in early September, within three days she was already saying she hated it, felt sick thinking about coming in, and that she wanted to do something else. Again, I tried to support her, but it was a lot.
There are also little things that add up. In June we went on a trip to Chicago. Rebecca didn’t pay her full share of the Airbnb, she moved Kayla’s stuff even though Kayla didn’t want her to, and she sometimes pulled away from the group because she “wasn’t in the right headspace.” Not dealbreakers by themselves, but they stuck with me.
Then her dog passed away. For timeline: she started back at work in September on a Monday, her dog passed Tuesday, and by Thursday she called off work saying the dog had died “that night.” Kayla casually mentioned to our boss that it happened on Tuesday (which is true), and Rebecca has been mad at Kayla ever since, saying she should’ve never told the boss. But Rebecca had already posted about it online and even told me I could mention it to another coworker, so it felt weird that she’s holding a grudge.
The bigger issue is the emotional weight. Rebecca texted in our group chat recently saying she was in a bad place, and Kayla just sent funny pics (because that’s how she copes) and then privately called me asking me to handle it. That’s the dynamic: Kayla can’t handle it, and I end up being the one carrying everything. If we live together, I know all of that would fall on me. And if Rebecca spirals or quits her job, it could become a huge burden.
I want to add that she also needs a lot of reassuring and has trauma that is a burden on her also.
Anyways… All of this has me feeling like I don’t want to live with her anymore, even though the idea was thrown around before.
So… AITA for not wanting Rebecca to move in with us?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1 the action I took is not wanting to move in with a friend who I already told them I am comfortable living with them. They have shown qualities that I don’t think I would want to be living with as time has passed. I feel like it would make the the asshole because I’d already told them it was okay and in top of that I would still like to be their friend. It would really hurt their feelings and since they are an already fragile person I think this decision would really hurt them
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
It’s going to be non-stop drama if you don’t say no NOW
NTA. But this is really a question of how much of someone else’s emotional burden you’re personally willing to shoulder. She needs friends and also needs therapy. You can’t give her both. If you think it’ll continue like this, you shouldn’t need to live with her. That said, you should weigh what kind of conflict resisting her desire to move in with you guys against you friendship with both her and your friend group generally, as that could ultimately be a worse outcome.
NTA at all, if you do allow her to move in with you and Kayla you’ll be placing yourself under a deep emotional burden with no quick way out of it, nor does she seem to listen to any advice or comfort that might better her mental state/situation. However you don’t need to tell her the reason for this honestly it would probably result in more unnecessary drama if you did, my advice would be to talk to Kayla about it and find a ‘perfect’ 2 bedroom place you both love and absolutely just need
NTA
Run away NOW. It’s gonna be easier than later on.
NAH. Sounds like she is struggling and that doesn’t make her an asshole. But you’re absolutely right to assess the red flags and change your plans now rather than waiting til it’s too late.
No. You and Kayla don’t need this drama. NTA. Also, if she quits her job or is fired, where the rent coming from?? Don’t do it.
Good grief no. NTA. Its one thing to be friends with someone and entirely different matter to be their roommate. All these little issues? They are going to be mountainous problems once she is your roommate. Not paying rent, the emotional needs..
Not sure where things are right now in terms of her moving in with the two of you, but you can be a supportive friend without making the roomate commitment.
NTA!!!
Do not agree to move in with Rebecca. PERIOD.
Tell Kayla right now that you will absolutely not share with her and Rebecca and that she (Kayla) would be wise not to agree to sharing a place with Rebecca.
Rebecca will likely see this as you ganging up on her, but that is just her way of not seeing anything wrong in her behavior.
If you and Kayla decide you want to share a place together, then you two need to be absolutely clear (IN WRITING) that neither of you will agree to Rebecca staying over, being a roommate, or being an obligation for either one of you to deal with. Meaning if Kayla wants to comfort Rebecca, she needs to do it without dragging you into it or doing at the apartment.
If that’s not something you both can agree on, then just drop the idea of rooming with Kayla, too.
Rebecca needs far more help (if she even wants it) than you or Kayla can give her. If Kayla chooses to enable Rebecca or hates conflicts/people-pleases, then you don’t want to get sucked into that either.
It will be harder to stop living with her than it will be to not move in with her. Definitely do not live with Rebecca!
NTA she would be both a financial and emotional burden
Do not allow yourself to be put on a lease with her or let her stay anywhere “temporarily”