I (31) have been with my boyfriend (36) for almost 4 years and we’ve been living together for about 3 years. We met at work and at the time, both our jobs were not too stressful and our wages were similar. My boyfriend is still at that company, I changed my job a year ago and I now earn about 20% more than him. However, my new job comes with a lot of stress, responsibilities and overtime. We have been fighting about me working too much / prioritizing my work and my boyfriend feels less of a man because I make more money now. He recently said it was unfair that I’m making that much more and we still split rent 50/50. I get that and I proposed to do 60/40 in the future, however, only if he does more of our household chores in return. I might add: I do the majority of our cleaning, I cook, I do laundry most of the time and I also think that’s not fair because we’re both working. On top of that: my job is really intense and my boyfriend often only works around 4-5 hours a day, leaving him plenty of free time.
When I suggested that he should contribute more to our household so that I contribute more financially, he got really mad. He said it’s not fair, but when he got job offers with a better salary he refused, because he would rather earn less and have more free time than hustle the way I do. Am I the asshole in this and should I just pay more without expecting anything in return?
AITA for not wanting to pay a bigger portion of the rent unless my boyfriends does more household chores?
r/AITAH
Comments
Your boyfriend wants to benefit from your higher salary while refusing to put in the effort to earn more money himself or to contribute more to your shared life.
A supportive partner would be proud of your accomplishments and work with you to build a great life together, not resent you for it.
Time to go. He’s not interested in being fair and resents your success. Only downhill from here. My ex was like that.
Not fair? How? It’s an even split. He is essentially implying that there is a wage level you can make where he doesn’t contribute at all.
This is a serious red flag.
Big red flag behaviour. I think your gut already knows the answer to this. NTA
You’re not his mom or his employer, if he wants the benefit of you paying more, then he needs to balance the scales in some way, you offered a really fair compromise with 60/40 + more chores. If he refuses to do either, what he’s really saying is he wants less responsibility across the board while you carry more.
“my boyfriend feels less of a man because I make more money now.”
Buy him a new car: a Mitsubishi GTFO.
Seriously though, you should consider ending this relationship lest he find other, more odious way of feeling more manly. Oh, and if the expenses share was based on pay alone, it would be a 6:5 ratio, not 60/40. That may not seem like much of a difference but the latter has you paying 1.5x as much when you only get 1.2x the wage and if you’re doing most of the housework as well you’re getting hosed like the audience at a Rammstein concert.
Nta he isn’t a partner, he’s a chore.
An ambitious woman and less ambitious man will never work out. Unless you actually want to spend life with a whiny bitch
NTA. If he wants to split the rent weighted for pay, it should be based on full-time equivalents or you’ll be subsidizing his time off.
Chores sound grossly unequal. Time to do a rigorous time budget calculation here.
Girl, I make more than my husband. We split chores. I do not do his washing, he does his own because he is an adult.
Tonight he’s making dinner, and then leaving me alone to read quietly on the sofa because I work longer hours, had a bad night sleep and have a busy day tomorrow.
Your boyfriend’s concept of not fair is that he doesn’t want to work, he doesn’t want to do chores, he doesn’t want you to make more money but he wants the direct benefits of the money you make? Nah fam. Get in the sea.
I think you need to pro-rata the rent based on income.
You need to do your equal share of domestic chores because you live there. If you want to outsource some of yours because you have the income, outsource to professional strangers to reduce the chance of resentment.
NTA but he is. You’re not wrong. It was kind of you to offer paying more but you also do more of the household expenses so that is automatic now. He chooses to work pretty much part time and yes, I want you to take care of. He’s supposed to be a partner and not your child or dependent. And enjoy your money and your peace. You’ll be much happier being able to save money and only cleaning up after yourself.
Your BF is using you. You should pay more while doing more chores?
And your BF wants to have more free time?
I would consider my relationship.
Man I try really hard not to be this person in a common section…. Cool mcgetting no I don’t.Your boyfriend is terrible and you need to dump them.
Will he even earn more money per hour in these “better paying” jobs? Since he’s working only 4-5h a day and you’re I’m assuming works 8h plus overtime. And you’re getting only 20% more? Then his situation is way better as it is now, then with a new job.
Your relationship is transactional, it won’t last. No one’s the AH.
So funny, he feels emasculated because you make more money, but then he isn’t going to feel emasculated when you are actually paying more money?
NTA but I don’t think it should be tit for tat. I think they are 2 separate issues. Financially you should stay 50/50. Since he makes less the budget should be based on what he can afford and that should be half the total. If either of you wants to spend more than the budget then that person is responsible for 100% of the overage. For example, if the going out monthly budget is $300 ($150/ea), you’ve spent that by the 3rd week but you want the 2 of you to go out in the 4th week then you are responsible for paying for both of you. If it’s him that wants to then he pays. You will end up with more extra money but that’s your reward for life choices that led to your making more. This way he’s not forced to live up to your financial status and you aren’t forced to subsidize his lifestyle. It’s the only fair way.
Chores should be based strictly on time. Make a list of everything that needs to be done every week. Make sure to include things like work, travel time to and from work and things that he is likely the one to do like home and car maintenance, etc. Assign a time to everything in the list. Get his buy in on the list. Then the 2 of you divvy it up. Start with things that only one of you can do (work) and then move on to things that either of you might be particular about or that the other person isn’t good at. Then use the remaining items to even up the total time spent per week.
Either 50/50 and similar chores, or 60/40 and he does more chores
I think the fact that he works only 4/5 hours a day doesn’t mean anything, but the fact that you do more chores isn’t good
Time to think hard about this relationship. Do you want a man like THIS for the rest of your life? NTA
Little side note to my story: my boyfriend has ADHD and is struggling with some aspects of everyday life. So I’m trying to be supportive whenever I can because I know he’s in some ways not as resilient as I am.
You earn 20% more working your butt off while he earns 20% less working part~time??? Sounds like his hourly pay is dramatically more than yours. If you broke down expenses by hourly wage, HE should be paying more, especially when you factor in all the unpaid labor you contribute to the household. His whole attitude screams toxic masculinity. There is no changing him. If you stay, it’s going to be more of the same year over year. Find someone who is not intimidated by your drive and success.
Break up with him.
“Less of a man because you make more money”
Really? This isn’t the 1950s
Nta
Your lazy ass bf is a spud!
He is showing you who he is. Believe him. This relationship will not last. It will only get worse. Soon he will cheat on you saying that “you don’t spend enough time with him”… get out b4 it gets worse.
Core Incompatibility Unlocked : Do not pass go. Do not collect 200$. Instead, please say the players’ manual for how to live a single life.
NTA… he values his time which is awesome but his free time and extra money shouldn’t be your responsibility. If he doesnt want to put in his 50% find a man who will. Trust me, plenty of them are out there.
This is what should be referred to as hobosexual adjacent. He’s getting as close to it as he thinks he can get away with. You need to find a better boyfriend because this guy is almost useless. If you want to make an attempt at saving the relationship, show him this thread and see if it’s a wake up call. If it doesn’t work, dump him.
Time to end the relationship. It’s terminal.
NTA
If you weren’t working more hours than him I would think this was harsh, but remind him he would rather have less money and more free time so that includes paying his share of the rent if he doesn’t want to offset your extra hours to benefit from the extra money.
Boyfriend is ta big baby who is taking advantage of you. He needs a wake up call. Get your own place or one with a roommate and let him pay ALL the rent, and do ALL the work around the house.
NTA so he wants you to financially and physically support him? He wants you to pay out more money and continue to do all the housework because that’s the only way he’ll feel like a man? He can work less and have personal freedom on his own. You are his momma, bang maid and sugar momma all rolled into one. Is that what you want in a relationship?
All of his suggestions: him paying less and doing less. It’s time to upgrade your boyfriend. NTA
“I dont feel like a man! You earn more!”
“Hey sir we’d like to hire you, with better pay”
“….no thanks!”
🤔🤔
NTA
But girl… in this age and day, why the hell would you accept that you’re doing all or almost all the household chores? You are partners, why would you not split the work? Leave this manchild and look for a real man.
Here’s the way splitting finances should work since you make more money than him.
If you guys are living in the place where you got this job, continue to split 50/50 . If you guys get a new place that’s more expensive then you should pay more per month, 60/40.
You just need to live within the means of your partner.
Regardless of yearly income, you two should be splitting the household chores between the two of you. And if he’s having issues now with how much money you make, it’s time to leave him. This will never get better
Sounds exactly like my situation. He proper resented me in the end, it felt like the only thing we ever argued about was money and chores.
He’s not less of a man because you make more money. He’s less of a human because he’s a bad partner. Rather than contributing more, he wants you to contribute less. He was fine with the rent when you both made the same. NTA
NAH. I think you both need to go back to the drawing board and have this conversation again, because it seems to be about more than what is currently laid on the table right now.
NTA. You’re offering a fair trade more financial support if he takes on more household responsibilities. That’s not selfish, it’s equitable. You work longer hours, carry more stress, and still do most of the chores. Meanwhile, he chooses a lower-stress lifestyle with more free time, yet expects you to subsidize it and handle the domestic load?
His reaction suggests this isn’t just about money it’s about ego. But your success shouldn’t make him feel “less of a man.” If he’s unwilling to contribute more in any domain, that’s not a partnership it’s entitlement. You’re not asking for anything unreasonable. You’re asking for balance
If i ever dated someone so insecure that they felt like their manhood was tied to my income the ick would not allow me to continue the relationship. How embarrassing for your beta boyfriend. Why would you pay more with nothing in return? Why would you be doing more than him when your job is so much more stressful anyway? And WHY do men’s feelings always seem to matter so much more rhan the woman’s on this god forsaken website?
Your bf is a bum man, NEXT
NTA, if you’re sharing expenses proportionally to how much you win, you should also share house chores proportionally to available time.
So you dont have the same goals. He wants to libe a relaxed life and just “get by”, likely doesn’t have anything saved for the future.
How do you envision your future?
He is this upset over a 20% difference in pay? Wow. I currently make 2x my husband and he is thrilled with the extra money.
If you make 20% more than him, then you make 55% of household income, not 60%.
Your boyfriend’s attitude is terrible and it is worth considering moving on from him. That aside, when I was in a similar situation (before getting engaged), we put the extra money into a shared savings account for the future.
I can’t believe that you don’t split household chores at least 50/50. He needs to step up more and you need to be firm about it and fair to yourself. At the very least he should do his own laundry, clean up after himself etc. If he feels ‘less of a man’ then what help can you expect when you have a family? You will be doing it all. Have you had the talk about future family roles and responsibilities? You should because-tick tock- your biological click isn’t slowing. Time maybe to reconsider your situation. Good luck.
How does he not gross you out enough to leave him? How does this behavior not just make your skin crawl?
Stop cooking for him. Stop doing his laundry. Clean up after yourself and that’s it. That’s a grown man. Like GROWN grown. You’re not his mama or his wife or anything. He’s a BOYFRIEND. He has the audacity to say this crap to you because he has zero respect for you.
Idk what you’re even with this man child for.
Start by giving him his laundry to do. Why is it your job? Consider this: you have a man who feels less of a man because you make more money than he does. The household chores fall into the same category for him; women’s work! Life is long and this attitude is already getting tiresome for you. How long are you prepared to live like this? You’re not the AH. In a couples relationship the responsibilities should be shared. It’s the 21st century. Everyone needs to get on board.
Because you working more hours for better pay and doing majority of the chores is fair? How? He could pick up something.
NTA.
Ask him with a straight face “So you want me to work longer hours, pay more money, and still do the majority of the home tasks? So what exactly are you providing to this household?” He’s absolutely wrong, but it would be interesting to see exactly what he’s thinking.
As a married man who makes significantly more than my wife while working roughly the same hours, and still doing a decent chunk of chores at home, I’m disappointed in him as a man and frankly a human being.