TLDR: my cousin wants me to perform a choreographed dance at her wedding, i said no and now i‘m the bad guy
bit of a back story: my cousin (30F) and i (25F) used to be somewhat close when we were kids. Over the years we‘ve grown apart quite a bit, there was no particular reason for that, we‘re just different people with different religious and political views as well as different values. Atm we see each other 2-3x/year at family functions where we catch up a bit and have a pleasant time overall.
Another important information: we come from an „ethnic“ family, where elaborate weddings are very normal. A wedding without several dance performances, less than 200 people that ends before 2 am is considered a dull affair.
Hers is pretty soon, and she asked me to perform a choreographed dance on the day of. I sort of laughed it off at first since i thought she was joking. I‘m quite introverted, and dancing in front of all of those people would not be something that i would ever do voluntarily. However, she is quite adamant and asked me several times. Actually, she does not ask but says things like „i‘m expecting a dance at my wedding“ or „you have to do a dance at my wedding“. By now, i told her each time that i won‘t be doing it since i‘m not a good dancer and i would not enjoy it at all.
Unfortunately, she just can‘t seem to take a no. I did however offer her a martial art performance as an alternative, since that is one of my hobbies and i wouldn’t mind doing a little choreographed performance. This time, she laughed and immediately said no, she wants a dance.
Now my mum (who is the ultimate people pleaser) chimed in as well and told me to just suck up my feelings and do her this one favour for her wedding. It feels like i’m being guilt tripped. I however really do not want to do it. Again, there is no hard feelings between us – i simply don‘t feel comfortable dancing in front of a crowd. Especially as a recovering people pleaser i think its important to stand up for myself in this situation.
So, what do you guys think? AITA for not wanting to perform a dance at her wedding?
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TLDR: my cousin wants me to perform a choreographed dance at her wedding, i said no and now i‘m the bad guy
bit of a back story: my cousin (30F) and i (25F) used to be somewhat close when we were kids. Over the years we‘ve grown apart quite a bit, there was no particular reason for that, we‘re just different people with different religious and political views as well as different values. Atm we see each other 2-3x/year at family functions where we catch up a bit and have a pleasant time overall.
Another important information: we come from an „ethnic“ family, where elaborate weddings are very normal. A wedding without several dance performances, less than 200 people that ends before 2 am is considered a dull affair.
Hers is pretty soon, and she asked me to perform a choreographed dance on the day of. I sort of laughed it off at first since i thought she was joking. I‘m quite introverted, and dancing in front of all of those people would not be something that i would ever do voluntarily. However, she is quite adamant and asked me several times. Actually, she does not ask but says things like „i‘m expecting a dance at my wedding“ or „you have to do a dance at my wedding“. By now, i told her each time that i won‘t be doing it since i‘m not a good dancer and i would not enjoy it at all.
Unfortunately, she just can‘t seem to take a no. I did however offer her a martial art performance as an alternative, since that is one of my hobbies and i wouldn’t mind doing a little choreographed performance. This time, she laughed and immediately said no, she wants a dance.
Now my mum (who is the ultimate people pleaser) chimed in as well and told me to just suck up my feelings and do her this one favour for her wedding. It feels like i’m being guilt tripped. I however really do not want to do it. Again, there is no hard feelings between us – i simply don‘t feel comfortable dancing in front of a crowd. Especially as a recovering people pleaser i think its important to stand up for myself in this situation.
So, what do you guys think? AITA for not wanting to perform a dance at her wedding?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I said no to my cousins request to perform a dance at her wedding
(2) I am her only female cousin who is attending the wedding (the other ones are more distant cousins), so my family expects me to perform a dance. Also, she has this idea of getting whatever she wants on her wedding day, since you only get married once. By saying no I‘m considered the asshole.
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Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.
NTA, you don’t owe anyone your free time to put on a show for them
NTA. You don’t owe her this, or any other service. She asked, you said No. That should be the end of it. If people keep pressuring you tell them you are so happy to hear that they will be performing a dance at the wedding, but you have said no and that is the end of it. Start blocking people or cutting them off if you have to, for your sanity.
NTA. Say NO. NO. NO.
“No and I will not be discussing this again”. And rescind your offer to compromise. Legit refuse to engage in this topic any more. Hang up, don’t reply, walk out of the room. Just calmly remove yourself.
NTA and remind your mom that youre a people too.
NTA. but be aware that there might be a surprise announcement on the wedding day/night and your name is called out with the promise of a dance.
If your culture drinks alcohol I recommend getting blasted as early as possible so it’s impossible for you to be expected to do a dance. If your culture doesn’t drink develop a headache or a stomach pain early on and give your apologies and find a quiet place to lie down.
If none of that works accept to do a dance, but prepare martial arts performance, and go full “HAI” mode, turn all your anger and frustration about being manipulated into martial energy and when she announces a “dance” just do your martial routine, and then feign ignorance and say “I thought that’s what we agreed with, it’s the only thing I was comfortable performing”. the rest of the guests might not even notice you switched it all up. But that’s the most petty route you can take.
NTA Some people like this kind of attention- she needs to find one of them and leave you alone! As a recovering people pleaser myself, I say stand firm. It’s an hard habit to break. Congrats on reaching the “no actually does mean no” stage.
NTA, If you are not comfortable in doing something you shouldn’t do it. End of story.